The tobacco and alcohol companies are in the news again. They're looking at banning the sponsorship of sporting and media events by these companies. I guess it's O.K. for Molson beer to sponsor the Molson Indy... What better way to promote drinking alcohol and driving really fast.The Benson and Hedges fireworks is cool, because even if you don't smoke, you still get to breathe in lethal pyrotechnic carcinogens. I think the government might let companies go all the way: COMING TO THE WINTER GARDEN THEATRE, THE TORONTO PHILHARMONIC ORCHESTRA, SPONSORED BY YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD DEALERS OF CRACK COCAINE... THE MISS CANADA PAGEANT, BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE UNITED ASSOCIATION OF PIMPS, SUPPORT THEM, AND SUPPORT THE ARTS... FROM THE SKYDOME, CATCH THE FIRST OFFICAL GANGSTA RAP CONCERT SERIES, FUNDED BY THE N.R.A... AND FINALLY THE NATIONAL RUSSIAN ROULETTE ELIMINATION SERIES BROUGHT TO YOU BY CASINORAMA..

Imagine if they had real estate agents for drug dealers... O.K. I think you'll like this neighborhood you have three crack houses in the area, and a lot more action... unfortunately there's also a couple of schools and some decent families, but if you don't go into that neighborhood, you're O.K. If you'll notice this kitchen has a beautiful view of the area through these bulletproof windows... this furnished rec room will be perfect for doing your deals... it's remodelled after a sleazy pool hall... and you'll love the fireplace very convienient for burning evidence. Each bedroom has a balcony, perfect for shooting at police when they surround your house... it's a great steal at $100,580...or eight keys and...

I just got out of a relationship. I think sometimes they don't work out for me because I rush things too fast. I'll give you an example...I went out with someone last week, and at the end of the night when I dropped her off, she invited me up to her apartment. Heres how I rushed...I was up in the apartment before her. By the time she was in the elevator, I was looking through her CDs for something romantic. I was in the bedroom as her key was in the door... by the time she walked in, I was getting dressed, then when she walked into the room, there was a flower and note thanking her for a beautiful evening, and I was at home waiting for her call.

I go to places on the weekend. Last Saturday I went to "Plant Hollywood." I was amazed at how their authentic their star's merchandise was. I got one of Quentin Tarantino's syringes. Actually I just found it in my burger. They even make you feel like a star. Instead of giving you mints after you eat, they slip you a Xanax. To make you feel like a well known actor, the waiters stalk and follow you to your car and on your way home. Realistic. Even the food is made out of styrofoam and plywood and the menu is a coldread. Hollywood.

These excerpts were taken from DG in concert - For future stand-up dates, email us at cityscape@excite.com