ABC - Alcoholic Beverages Consumed:

Number derived from the average consumed on a typical evening. Typical evening being defined as an evening where the team is performing. Drink defined as either one 333 ml beer with 4.9% alcohol content or a one ounce highball with 40% alcohol content. Sometime difficult to obtain accurate information as the we must rely on the team to provide us with accurate data.

 

SPN - Smokes Per Night:

 

Again, number is derived from the average number of cigarettes smoked on an evening when the band is performing. Number is more accurate than ABC because we can obtain the data ourselves. The number of cigarettes in each team members package is counted at the beginning of each evening. A second count is performed at the end of the evening. A simple calculation assists us in obtaining the necessary data. A correction factor of -3.5 must be applied to Bone's data because in his efforts to convert others to the Team's cause he tends to hand out a number of cigarettes to innocent by-standers. Attempts are being made to curb this behaviour. A correction factor of -1 must be added to Kuba's number because in the course of an evening he will often stick at least one cigarette in his ear, rather than smoke it.

 

IPG - Injuries Per Gig:

 

A simple calculation. At the end of the bands show each member is examined and all bruises, cuts, scrapes, missing teeth and severed limbs are accounted for.

 

FCPI - Facial Contortion Point Index:

 

Electrodes mounted on each members face measure the rate and strength of facial muscle contraction. Note: Bone's reading prior to obtaining a Wah pedal was 3.5.

 

ATS - Attempts to Score:

 

Since a net of some description is rarely found in your average bar, attempts to score actually reflects each band team members attempt to score with the young ladies.

 

SAS - Success at Scoring:

 

Again we have to rely on the individual team members to provide us with this data, so it may or may not be accurate.

 

Remember kids, if you aren't measuring the success of your gig by these statistics, then how are you measuring it?

To contact Kuba: ted_rocks@hotmail.com
To contact Linda (web creator): lindas@direct.ca