(transcribed by Erika Riggio)
[Crow and Tom are on the bridge of the SOL, looking at an issue of National Geographic]
Crow: See what I mean?
Tom: Man, look at those things! Should we tell him?
Crow: We have to! Mike! Get in here, Mike! Mike? (Mike enters) Oh, there you are.
Mike: Hey, guys. Hi, everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love...
Tom: Forget about that, it's not important. Mike, look at this.
Mike: (looks at National Geographic) Ew, yuck what are those things?
Crow: Um, those are eyelash mites. They live in human eyelashes!
Tom: (makes a disgusted sound)
Mike: Yeah, you know, I've heard of that. It's this symbiotic thing, where the little microscopic things, they feed off the dust and debris in my eyelashes...
Crow: So you eat, and all the food goes splashing all over your face...
Tom: Ugh.
Crow: ...and you end up with monsterous demons feeding off the garbage dripping from your eyelashes, and you're okay with that.
Mike: Well, I mean, if you put it that way it doesn't sound so great, but...
Tom: I'm sorry, they gotta go. We have got to get rid of these things!
Crow: Yeah.
Mike: You guys, they're really very small...
Crow: Oh, they're small. Meaning, we don't have to concern ourselves with the other helpless creatures undoubtedly living in your eyelashes; whole villages of tiny, big-eyed children being devoured by these dragons.
Mike: Is that in the article...?
Crow: (angry) Yeah, it is!!
Tom: You know, I think he likes having eyelash mites. He enjoys having meats and eggs and sauces and saliva hanging from his eyelashes! Ugh, yuck.
Mike: (amused) If you guys are that concerned about it, we could probably have the nanites, you know, take a look at it.
Tom: All right! I'll go get the nanites! (exits)
Crow: Okay.
Mike: Is that big-eyed thing in the article here? 'Cuz I don't see it...
Crow: Well, it might have been another issue, I don't know...
[commercial sign]
[Mike is on the desk, with Tom, Crow, and the nanite viewing thing hovering over him.]
Tom: Never fear, Mike! The nanites will have those disease-ridden little pests off your oil-soaked eyelashes in no time!
Mike: We're talking about a little fracus here, right? I mean, we're not talking about a war or anything, are we?
Crow and Tom: No, no!
Crow: No! Well...
Tom: Hmmm...
Crow: Well, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Tom: No. No, no.
Crow: Don't even say the word "war," Mike. We'll send in a few nanites to activate security for us. It will really be more like a, uh, police action.
Tom: Yeah, it'll be more like we're relocating your eyelash mites, teaching them to live someplace better, like on a dog's back...
Crow: Right.
Tom: ...or the thigh of a squirrel.
Crow: Yeah.
Mike: Well, if you guys think they're really disgusting...
Crow and Tom: Oh, yes, yeah, filthy, disgusting, totally...
Mike: Well then, let's have the nanites take a look at them.
Tom: Great.
Crow: You're gonna like it, Mike.
Tom: Best thing that ever happened to you, buddy.
Crow: Okay, nanites! Are you positioned on Forehead Ridge?
[cut to Ned the Nanite on Mike's forehead]
Ned: Sir, yes sir! Troops are in position!
[bridge]
Crow: Then, if the weather is right, intitiate Operation: Gross Eye.
[Mike's forehead]
Ned: Sir, yes sir! Let's rock and roll, people!!!!
[bridge]
Crow: Ooh, it's not going well. Not well at all. You got to cut your losses, Nelson.
[Mike's forehead]
Ned: Hello? *cough* Hello? *cough* *cough* We're getting cut to shreds in there, man. We can't win this war, they know the eyelashes too well. What kind of an animal called this war anyway? Who could have done this? Who, just tell me, whooooo?! (Ned is violently attacked by an eyelash mite)
[bridge]
Crow: Ned! Ned the Nanite!! Oh, Ned! (cries)
Tom: (sobbing) Ned... Ned...
Crow: Oh, Nelson, why did you want this war? What, was it about pride? Tell us!
Mike: What, me?! You were the ones who...
Tom: Save it, butcher, Pearl's calling.
[Ancient Rome]
Observer: (drinking out of a goblet) Ah, there's the click.
Roman guy: Some say he is infused with the power of Zeus himself.
Pearl: Whatever. Say, uh, make yourself useful and hook me another one of these. (shoves her goblet in the Roman's chest; he exits) Hey, loser, I just found out that Bobo is the Mad Goth and he's like these spartan guys' big hero because he can kill lions and stuff! Like, big whoop, who can't? Now they're throwing a big party in his honor and people aren't paying enough attention to me!! (Flavia enters)
Flavia: Are you talking to your little gods in the sky because no one else will talk to you?
Pearl: Slut? I mean, what? (fanfare sounds)
Flavia: He's here! The Mad Goth has arrived!! (to offscreen) Cal, Cal, be a dear and nip out for more meat.
Callpygeas: (offscreen) But I'm doing the statue thing...
Flavia: More meat.
Callypygeas: (off) Yes, dear.
(Bobo enters, followed by a couple of Roman girls)
Bobo: Thank you, thank you... Well, who's got it goin' on?!
Roman girls: We believe that you do!
Bobo: Ha ha! Let me hear it from you people!
Roman girls: We praise you and we hold you high!
Bobo: Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!!!
Pearl: I'm going to be ill... very, very ill... (grabs Observer's brain pan)
Observer: No, not the brain, please don't!!
[SOL]
Crow: Oh... oh, this is not good...
(Cambot pans across Mike's face, showing the carnage of the war, while Crow narrates in a dramatic accent. Tom plays the keyboard to set the mood.)
Crow: (cont.) Though Nelson promised a safe reture of the nanite forces, the war for his eyelashes lasted well into December. Thousands were cut down defending a blasted little patch of Nelson's T-zone, known as Folicle Hill...
[bridge]
Mike: Would you guys knock it off? I mean, you're the ones who wanted this war anyway!
Tom: It's too late to apologize now, Mike.
Crow: Right.
Mike: Well, wait a minute, can't the nanites just fix themselves?
Tom: Oh, sure, no problem.
Mike: (angry) Well, then what... (sits up and hits his face on the nanite viewer thing) Ow...
Crow: (snickers)
[Ancient Rome. There is a crowd of people and a cloaked statue in the corner.]
Callypygeas: (off) And, in honor of our beloved Mad Goth...
Bobo: Thank you, thank you...
Callypygeas: (off) ...we unveil this 40-foot statue!
(The cloak is removed; all we can see is a giant stone foot.)
Romans: Ah... oooh...
Bobo: I'm nude! Oh, look at the definition... could have used a little more marble in there, but still a creditable effort, eh? Well, come on, everybody, let's go watch me eat!
(Bobo and the Romans exit, leaving Pearl and Brain Guy, who are staring at the statue in shock.)
Observer: Oh, well, there you have it then... (sets down his brain pan) It's time, I think... (makes a rope appear with his mind) Lovely. (starts to slip the noose over his head)
Pearl: No! Brain Guy, no!! (grabs for the rope) I'm using this!
Observer: Oh, no you're not! Give me that! (they fight for the rope a bit, then Brain Guy stops) Let's wait, Pearl. Tempting as it is, we must delay our own suicides and recapture Professor Bobo. His wreckless time travel could rip apart time itself!
Pearl: So?
Observer: Oh, how to explain it to the likes of you... ah, okay. Bobo ripples time itself, the Nabisco company never comes into being, no more Chicken in a Biskit.
Pearl: (fuming) Bobo's. Messing. With my. Favorite. Snack. Cracker?!
Observer: That's right, that's right.
Pearl: (throws the rope over her shoulder) Let's go!!
Observer: Go get him!! (They exit, but Brain Guy returns) Oh, by the way, Mike, Pearl told me to tell you that your movie today is Invasion of the Neptune Men. Enjoy. (sends the movie with his mind) See ya. (exits)
[SOL. Mike's face is covered with trash and food.]
Crow: Ew.
Tom: Wow.
Crow: Wow. Ick. Geez, Mike, your eyes are a real mess! Why'd you even get rid of your eyelash mites?
Tom: Yeah, you know, they're the things that keep your eyelashes clean!
Crow: Yeah. (movie sign)
Mike: Oh, we've got movie sign! I'll deal with you two later!!
[cut]
