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In the flickering light from the movie showing in a darkened room, a power watched and smiled as he contemplated several different possibilities. {WAIT! You no have spot for Shampoo!} With a shrug, the power said, I'm sorry, but in this case I just ran out of parts for all of you. If you like, I can have you pop up in a…supporting role… {You put Shampoo in whorehouse scene, Shampoo make you regret it!} Ahem…we'll see what we can do then. First we have to get the credits rolling… The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creations of Rumiko Takahashi and are being used without her permission The events from Big Trouble in Little
China are the property of 20th Century Fox and likewise are being used without permission. Any likeness to any persons living or dead is just your
imagination and is not my problem. {Why you write that?} The most feared force in literature today. {Critics?} Lawyers! {Oh} In a lawyer's office, a small old woman sat perched seemingly impossibly on a pole in front of a desk. The lawyer's voice could be heard from off screen. "Now ma'am, if you could please tell us in your own word what happened…" The old woman smiled and said in a gravely voice, "You mean, the truth, correct, child?" "Of course," he replied, as he cleared his throat. "But first, please state your name and occupation for the record." "My name is Cologne, I run the Neko Hanten restaurant here in San Francisco." "Thank you, now if you could also tell us the whereabouts of one Ryoga Hibiki…" Cologne rose higher on her staff, "You should leave him alone. He was very brave in the face of terrible danger. We are all in his debt. Besides, as to his
whereabouts, your guess is as good as mine. These days with his truck he just gets lost all the more quickly." "But Ms. Cologne…" "Just Cologne, please." "Very well." Now shown for the first time, we find that the lawyer was Genma Saotome as he carefully adjusted his tie. "You understand that we are presently investigating how a
city block seemed to erupt in green flame...GREEN FLAME!" Cologne simply nodded, "That's what it did all right." Genma picked up a rag and began to clean his glasses. "I suppose you will expect me to believe in Magic and monsters next." "I have to convince you of the reality of magic?" "Please." Cologne produced a large pail of water and upended it over the startled Genma. Immediately he transformed into a panda. His stenographer fainted dead away. "There, you see? That was nothing, and that's how it always starts."
An 18 wheeler barrels through the night. The driver, a young man wearing a bandana, peers through the gloom of the thunderstorm as he pulls into San Francisco only three weeks after leaving Denver. 'Thank the kami for this GPS unit the boss gave me. Now I can find my way much easier.' "Now you just listen to the P-chan Express on a dark and stormy night. When some big ugly guy with only one eye pins your favorite head against a barroom wall
and asks if you've paid your dues. You look him right in his eye and tell him the check is in the mail. Ryoga! "What?" Ryoga looked around the cab. "Who said that?" I did, Ryoga. I'm the Narrator. Please try and stick to the script. Where are you? How the heck did I get here?" Ryoga, try to understand, I'm the Narrator. You can't see me because I'm stuck off screen. This is my story, so you have to do what I tell you. "Yeah right. I can probably take you. Now tell me why I should even keep going with this ridiculous story." Just two words…Pork Cutlet! Which is what you will be if I tell Akane a little tale about a certain little black pig, who shall remain nameless. Ryoga's face grew pale. "You wouldn't dare." Shampoo, do you have any good recipes for pork? {Oh, yes! It is other white meat, you know. Shampoo have many recipes that even Akane could make without hurting anyone.} "EEP!" {Still, Ryoga not smartest one around. You let Shampoo take his place, okay?} Nice try, but I don't think so, this is a guy's roll after all. "Can we keep going now?" *The Narrator smiled* I suppose, if you REALLY want to.
As he pulled into the loading dock, he noticed a petite red-haired girl directing the truck in and helping unload it. As she worked, Ryoga would sometimes hear her
mutter about how much she hated the rain. Holding his umbrella over his head, Ryoga could definitely relate. After a liberal dose of hot water, the red-haired girl returned to his normal form of a handsome dark-haired man… {Wota Airen!!} Don't you EVEN think about it! {Hmmph!! Meanie!}
The workers on the docks, along with Ranma and Ryoga, spent the night gambling. To his surprise, Ryoga found that he had most of the money when the game
broke up shortly after dawn. Ranma sat and contemplated his dwindled pile of money. "Oh man, she's gonna kill me." Ryoga smiled. "Well, that's because I get to be the hero in this story, so I can't lose." "Oh right, P-chan. I don't know how you managed to pull this off, but if you think I'm gonna play second banana to you, well then you got another thing comin'." "I wouldn't do that, Ranma. You haven't met the Narrator yet. He's not above using blackmail to get his way." Ryoga slapped Ranma on the head. "And don't call
me P-chan!" "Oh please, what can this Narrator guy possibly do to me…" Caught up in a fast fade-out, Ranma found herself in a small locked room wearing only a tiny piece of lingerie and not even a smile. From behind her, she heard Kuno
calling out as he glommed onto her. "Oh, Pig-tailed girl! I love you! I'll never let you go!" Ranma found her arms tightly pinned to her sides as Kuno began to slowly fondled her breasts and began to remove the lingerie… "NOOOOOO!" Another fast fade and Ranma was once more on the docks with Ryoga. Uncurling from a fetal position, he slowly got to his feet. "Man, that guy doesn't even play
fair." True, but being this is my story, I don't have to. Shall we continue? "Yeah, yeah, I get you." Ranma turned away from the camera and muttered, "Jerk." I heard that. I didn't intend this to become a Lemon fic, Ranma. I can still change my mind. I don't think Kuno would object. Ranma thought about it for a moment then sighed. "Right. Well anyway, I really need the money, Ryoga." Ranma turned and picked up a cleaver. "Ranma, what do you think you're doing? Things haven't gotten that bad!" Ranma looked confused for a moment before answering. "No, you idiot, I'm not going to slice you into pork chops. (Though the idea has merit.) I'm gonna use this
to cut this bottle in two with one slice." Ryoga leaned back and smiled. "Why not try something hard, Ranma. I could do that before my voice changed." "It's in the script, moron." With a quick glance upward, he continued. "Okay, nothing or double says I can do this." Ryoga was about to say something to provoke Ranma into a fight when an image of himself being served up with a side of greens passed before his eyes. "Okay,
Ranma, you're on. But not with that bottle," Ryoga quickly drained a bottle of beer. "Use this one." Ranma was about to strike when Ryoga splashed him with cold water. "There, now you're ready." Ranma-chan glared at Ryoga, "Why'd ya have to go and do that for?" Ryoga smiled. "I thought you might like a challenge. Why, don't you think you can do it in your girl form?" "Just warm up some water, pig-boy. This will take only a second." Ranma brought the cleaver down and sent the bottle hurtling straight for Ryoga's head. To his
surprise, Ranma watched Ryoga's hand snap up and catch the bottle only inches from his face. Ryoga shrugged. "It's all in the reflexes. Of course, now you owe me $1,140 times two." "I don't have that kind of money!" Ranma exclaimed. "You're heir to the Tendo dojo. That's more than what I have. So don't go giving me any sob story." Ryoga saw Ranma's eyes go wide, then quickly corrected. "I
mean, you're part owner of a restaurant." "Good recovery," Ranma said, still looking for the sky to fall. "What I meant was that I don't have the money on me." Ryoga shrugged, "Can't you just borrow the money?" Ranma locked eyes with Ryoga, "Would you borrow money from Nabiki?" "No, I like my freedom too much." Ryoga nodded. "I see your point." Ranma looked at the clock. "Well, I gotta get going. I have to pick up Akane at the airport. Afterward, you'll get you're money." Ryoga nodded. "Fine, I'll drive you in my truck. I wouldn't want you to forget or anything." Ranma picked up a kettle from in the back and changed back. "You really don't trust me at all, do you?" "About as far as I can see you," Ryoga quipped as they climbed into the truck. As the pair rode to the airport, Ranma found that it was best if he tried to subtly direct Ryoga in the right direction. With this help, (and a few well placed
interventions by the Narrator) Ryoga was able to safely make his way to the airport. As they entered the terminal, Ranma still was wondering why he couldn't split the bottle. "More than likely I was still too upset from what that Narrator guy did to
me. Otherwise that bottle would have split with no problem." Ryoga nodded, "Well, it couldn't be that you were thinking about Akane." Ranma snorted, "Why would I even want to think about an uncute tomboy like that? I mean she's built like a brick and violent as a gorilla…"
Ranma was about to say more when he suddenly found himself on the porch of the Tendo's house on a Christmas Eve not so long ago, watching hundreds of
shootings stars rain down from the sky like celestial fireworks. He remembered the feel of Akane's head as she laid it on his shoulder after he wrapped his arm
around her shoulders.
Once more back in the airport, Ranma smiled at the memory, "Then again, there might be something to what you're saying, Ryoga." Leading the way toward the
correct gate, Ranma kept Ryoga from getting lost.
You know? Trying to keep these clowns in character is a real full time job. {* Pouting* Shampoo not very happy about how you sent Ranma back to dojo on that night to get him in character.} Oh really? {Yes, you should have sent him out on date with Shampoo instead!} Right! And just how would that have helped the story? {Shampoo no care about stupid story. Only care about marrying Ranma!} I had to ask. * He rolled his eyes * Why didn't I make this a Tenchi Muyo story? Then all I would have to do is try and prevent Ayeka and Ryoko from
destroying everything. {So why didn't you?} Not enough guys in the cast. * He looked around. * Speaking of which, we'd better get back to work.
After they found the gate, Ryoga spotted Ukkyo in the distance. "Hey look, there's Ukkyo. Guess she got pulled into this thing too." Ranma smirked and looked more closely at the script. "It's better than that. It seems that she's your date in this thing." Eyes wide, Ryoga began to blush. "M-my date?! B-but she's supposed to be your fiancé." "Not this time, P-chan!" Ranma waved to get Ukkyo's attention. "Hey, Ucchan! Come on over!" As she approached, Ranma noticed that for some reason Ukkyo's eyes were now green. Then he realized his mistake, as she glommed onto him. "Uh, Ucchan, I
don't think you should be doing this." "What do you mean, Ran-chan? It's perfectly all right for a woman to show her fiancé affection." Looking around, Ukkyo seemed to be looking for someone in
particular. "What could possibly happen?" Ranma searched for an appropriate answer, with visions of Akane and a mallet dancing through his head. Before Ranma could formulate an answer, Ryoga replied,
"Well, according to the script, well, I'm supposed to be flirting with you instead of Ranma." Releasing Ranma, Ukkyo brandished her battle spatula. "Oh yeah? Well, that could be difficult if you don't have any teeth." Backing up quickly and waving his hands in front of him, Ryoga tried to fend off the angry cook. "It's not my idea, there's this crazy Narrator…" Who are you calling crazy, P-chan? "EEP!" Ukkyo looked about in anger, "So you're the one trying to steal away my Ran-chan from me? Well, if you think I'm going to throw myself into Ryoga's arms…"
Once more the scene faded to black. Wanna bet?
In the darkness, Ranma and Ryoga could be heard talking. "Well, we tried to warn her…" Ranma's voice answered, "Right, well you were the one who called him crazy, P-chan!" "EEP!" As Ukkyo's vision cleared, she found herself in a pleasant suburban home somewhere outside of Tokyo. As she moved to take in the room, she felt that she was
carrying a weight around her hips and lower back. Looking down, she could see that she was VERY pregnant. "Oh, how wonderful. I'm here in the house of the man I love and I'm carrying his child." Hearing the door open, Ukkyo ran (well, as well as she was able…okay, she
waddled. :P) toward the front door. "Ranma Honey! I'm so glad you're home…!" She stopped short as she saw who was her husband. Turning toward her after hanging up his jacket, Tsubasa smiled and said, "Hello, my love. So how's the mother of my child doing today?" "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The airport terminal reappeared and Ukkyo had her face buried in Ryoga's chest. She was in tears, "It was horrible, being the wife of Tsubasa. Being…being…I
can't even say it. That narrator is a sadist!"
Listen, all I ask is you guys just try and stick to the script. Besides, these flashbacks are slowing things down something awful. {You could have Shampoo replace silly spatula girl. Better yet, Shampoo can replace Akane!} I don't think so. Don't get any ideas, I can stick you in a world where you're married to Mousse. {You wouldn't dare…would you?} *The Narrator smiles a sinister smile* Let's continue shall me?
Ukkyo pulled herself together. "I'm okay, now. I'll be just fine…" As she spoke, a number of street punks push their way through the crowd. She gasps as she
recognizes their clothes. Ryoga bristled, "Hey, why don't you guys watch where you're going." He's about to go over and teach them some manners when Ukkyo grabs his arm and stops
him. "Don't, those are the Lord's of Death, a powerful street gang. They mainly operate in the area of Chinatown. I don't even know why they would be here right now." Ryoga looked at Ukkyo in surprise. "How do you know all that?" Smiling, she replied, "Well, in this story, sugar, I'm a lawyer who works in Chinatown. So, I'm kind of in the loop about this sort of thing. With as much traveling you
do, I'd think you'd know about such things." "Well, I may have been here before, but with my sense of direction, I probably thought it was somewhere near Tokyo. The Golden Gate Bridge kind of looks like
the Great Sato Bridge, so for me it could be anywhere." Ukkyo nodded then spotted the girl she was supposed to meet. She waved and called, "Tara, over here!" She moved forward as Tara spotted her and moved
forward into the terminal. Ryoga decided to hang back and keep his eyes out for Ranma. He knew that Ranma would try and disappear to avoid paying off his debt. Even so, he spotted his
cohort waving and getting Akane's attention. Ryoga now noticed that Akane seemed to also have green eyes. He shook his head and wondered what it could mean. He turned to check on Ukkyo when he saw the street punks moving toward Ucchan and the girl, Tara. He was already moving as the first punk grabbed Tara and began to pull her away. Ryoga pulled several bandanas loose and threw them toward the conveniently
packed thugs. They dove for cover as Ryoga ran forward and pushed Tara behind him toward Ukkyo and safety. "You don't even want to do that, friend." One of the taller gang members pulled out a knife and a collapsing staff. He brandished the weapons and forced Ryoga, who was still trying to protect Ukkyo and
Tara, to fall back. He wished he hadn't left his umbrella back in the truck, he could really use it right now. He could also use Ranma, but he was most likely
protecting Akane. Ranma was only slightly aware of the fight. Right now, he only had eyes for Akane. He struggled to push his way through the crowd. The roof was much too low for
him to simply leap over their heads. Still, he could see Akane's smile which made his heart jump a beat. He was only a few yards away when the gang-banger put a
gun to Akane's head and forced her to go with him. "Akane!" He cried. Akane, already used to being kidnapped from time to time, had her reply all prepared. "Ranma! Hurry up and rescue me!" She was then hustled out the door to the
parking garage before she could say more. Looking around, Ranma found Ryoga getting back to his feet and Ukkyo nowhere to be found. "C'mon, Ryoga! We have to rescue Akane!" "Again? Okay, I'm right behind you!" He scanned the crowd. "Where's Ukkyo?" Ranma shrugged as they ran up the stairs to the parking garage. "I don't know! Why don't you ask the Narrator?" "I don't want to push my luck." To this Ranma only nodded. They entered the garage only a little behind the Lord's of Death. As they passed an old red van, Ryoga spotted Ukkyo and Tara hiding behind it. He called out. "Call
the police!" He was only a step behind Ranma as they reached the aisle the gang dragged Akane down. Their efforts were rewarded as a red sportscar nearly ran
Ryoga and Ranma down. Tied up in the back was a very angry Akane. "Son of a bitch must pay!" Ranma looked at Ryoga in surprise. "You don't normally use that kind of language." "I'm getting into my role!" Ryoga helped Ranma to his feet. "C'mon, let's get my truck!" "Right behind you!"
The chase wound through the streets of San Francisco and eventually brought the truck into an alley in Chinatown. On the way, Ryoga nearly ran a tour bus off the
road. That the driver was Mousse was something that Ryoga was only slightly aware of. Ranma looked around carefully. "Great, just great, Ryoga. Looks like we lost them." "Hey, it's not my fault! Let's just ask for some directions." Ranma chose to say nothing as Ryoga rolled down his window and spoke to an old woman working on a
fire escape. "Excuse me ma'am? Could you tell us if a red sportscar came down this way?" As Ryoga spoke, the woman quickly stepped back into her doorway and closed the door. Ranma pointed at something ahead. "What do you make of that?" Hitting Ranma with the script, Ryoga snapped, "Why are you asking me? You're supposed to be the native here." "Oh yeah." Ranma quickly found the place in the book. "It’s a funeral procession for the leader of the Fighting Tong of the...uh...Chang Sings." "Great!" Ryoga was about to back up when he saw movement in his mirror. "Hey, Ranma, do the Chang Sings have any enemies?" Checking the book, Ranma nods, "Yeah, called the Wing Kong…" Ryoga finished for him, "And they wear red turbans, right?" Ranma looked out his window, "Oh, shit! Ryoga, the book says these guys are animals." Ranma grinned and added, "Family perhaps, P-chan?" "You'd better shut up before I decide to let you out here and find Akane myself." "Like you could even find…" Before he could finish, Ranma noticed what was going on outside. "Duck!" Ranma and Ryoga ducked down in the truck as bullets begin to fly. After the shooting stopped, they watched as the two rival gangs faced off against each other. Ranma nudged Ryoga. "Don't make a sound. It's like a Mexican standoff. When one blinks they'll attack!" Ryoga snorted, "Like I couldn't figure that out…" Apparently they heard the snort because the fight began. Ranma looked for some kind of weapon, "Great, Ryoga, you just started a riot!" "It's not my fault!" They watched the fight progress for several minutes. "Some of these guys are pretty good." Ranma nodded. The fight probably would have continued for some time, was it not for an explosion of green light. Suddenly three forms appeared on the street, one of whom Ranma
recognized immediately. Her sadistic, cackling laughter being unmistakable. "Oh, God! That one with the electricity shooting from her hands is Kodachi!" Instantly
Ranma slumped down in the seat to minimize the chance for being spotted. "Quick, Ryoga, get us the hell out of here!" Putting the truck into gear, Ryoga drove for the three figures standing in the middle of the street. The first, now recognizable as Pantyhose Taro, stepped left.
Kodachi stepped right, and the last one, Kuno, flew over the truck. Ranma and Ryoga both let their eyes track upward to follow Kuno's flight path when they saw
another form on the street. When they saw it was Happosai, Ryoga floored it and ran the pervert over with the heavy truck. Bringing the truck to a stop, Ryoga opened the door to see if Happosai was still alive, and needed to be run over once or twice more. To his surprise, Happosai was
already on his feet, and seemed none the worse for wear. Also, he seemed to be about seven feet tall. As Ryoga watched, blue light came out of the perverted
martial artist's eyes and mouth, blinding Ryoga instantly. Ranma came around the corner and covered his eyes before he could be blinded. "Ryoga! If there's a blue light, what ever you do, don't look!" "Too late, I already did!" "Well, don't look again!" Ranma began to pull the blinded Ryoga around the corner. "Okay, I won't!" "C'mon, this way!" Ranma pulled Ryoga by one arm and dragged him down a nearby alley. Behind them, the sounds of the carnage that Kodachi and the others
were accomplishing could clearly be heard. Ranma lead Ryoga over to a puddle and was about to splash water in his face. Before he did, Ranma stopped. "Hey, Narrator!" Yeah? "If I splash Ryoga in the face with water, he'll transform into a pig again." Hmm. Now there's a good point. I didn't think of that. He thought for a moment and pushed some buttons before speaking again. Okay, for the rest of the
story, I've suspended Ryoga's curse. Ranma's eyebrows shot up. "You can do that?"
Hey, I'm the Narrator. I can do anything! {Plus he's on power trip.} That's not true! {Then why is Shampoo dressed like Playboy bunny?} Well…
After a thoughtful pause while Ranma and Ryoga pictured that in their minds, "Ranma," Ryoga said. "If you wouldn't mind?" Ranma shook his head and splashed some water into Ryoga's face. "Sorry. There, how's that?" Blinking, Ryoga focused on Ranma. "Great! Let's get going." Walking down the alley, the pair found a red sportscar parked next to a sedan. Ryoga turned to look at Ranma. "Okay, forget the money, I just want out of here." "Hey, Saotome! We heard you were looking for us!" Both of their eyes got huge. "Ranma! They know who you are!" Ranma ducked back the way they came. "Come on, this way!" Passing the truck, Ryoga points toward it. "Hey, Ranma! Let's get outta here!" Looking back up the street toward the still raging battle, Ranma replied. "Forget it! It'll only slow us down!" Running down a side street, Ranma pulled Ryoga through a basement window and slammed it closed quickly to hide from the Wing Kong. Ryoga backed up and
nearly fainted as he bumped into a Chang Sing who was also hiding in the basement. Ryoga quickly regained his composure. "Okay, Ranma. Who were those guys who were tearing up the Chang Sings back there." Ranma was quickly thumbing through the script. "Well, according to the book, they're called the Storms." Reading further, Ranma rolled his eyes. "Great, somebody
decided to give that kind of power to those idiots. Terrific." "Yeah, but what the hell is up with Happosai, I just…" As he asked this, Ryoga and the others heard the door to the basement open and several sets of feet running
down the stairs. Ranma pointed at an exit, "We gotta go! Now!" Ranma and Ryoga scurried through some tunnels that emptied out into another alley. To Ranma's dismay, it began to drizzle and he instantly became a she. Together,
the pair walked down the alley. "It's not fair," Ranma muttered. "I still change when I get wet, but you get a break." Ryoga shrugged, "Yeah, but what about my truck?" Ranma snorted, "It's insured, right?" "Yeah. I just think we ought to call the police and let them handle it." "Police got better things to do than get killed." Ryoga looked at the redheaded girl next to him. "Good line." Ranma shrugged and smiled. "Yeah, I found it in the book." |
