BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE NERIMA

Part Two:

---

    Ryoga was on the phone while Ranma tried to calm Soun Tendo about the disappearance of Akane. "Son, I am VERY disappointed about all this. How could you lose your fiancé like that? You must go out and find her immediately!"

    Nabiki poked her head around the corner. "Oh, daddy, I'm sure Ranma had some kind of excuse."

    "Hello folks," Dr. Tofu said, as he enters the restaurant. "How are you doing tonight, Mr. Tendo, Ranma?"

    Soun began to cry, tears were streaming from his eyes. "Ranma lost Akane at the airport and now refuses to go out in search for her!"

    Ranma bristled, "That's not true! I'm just not sure where Akane is being held."

    "Right, and then we had to run from that Lo Happosai character."

    Soun instantly sobered. "You mean to say you saw the master…I mean Lo Happosai?"

    Ranma shrugged, "Yeah we saw the little freak! Big deal."

    Ryoga chimed in from beside the phone. "Well, to be honest he was about ten feet tall." Ryoga turned back to the phone and began to argue with the insurance agent once more.

    From in the corner, the Jusenkyo guide smiled and nodded. "China is here, Mr. Hibiki."

    Ryoga frowned. "What do you mean China is here? I don't even understand what that means. Besides, I was with Ranma and…" Looking closer, Ryoga looked at Ranma, "What the heck is he doing here anyway?"

    The guide shrugged. "I get to be in so few of these tales, the Narrator made me a deal…"

    Ranma snorted, "Boy, are you in trouble."

    Tofu looked over at Ryoga. "So this is Ryoga Hibiki, eh? So I suppose that was your abandoned truck back there?"

    Ryoga scowled, "Abandoned like hell." Hearing a click, Ryoga yelled into the phone. "Oh hell. Well, thanks a lot, and by the way your phone is dead."

    Tofu shrugged, "The Lord's of Death, I heard, were only out on a joy ride. They were not under orders form the Wing Kong or anyone. It seems that they were out at the airport to find a girl to sell and Akane got in the way."

    Tofu took a bite of his dinner before finishing, "Oh, yeah, they also stole your truck after you ran away."

    "Plus the skirmish you ran across was ordered by Lo Happosai, and anyone who got in the way would join the Chang Sing in being sent to the hell of being cut to pieces."

    Ryoga did a double take, "The what?"

    Ranma shrugged. "The Chinese have a lot of hells!"

    The guide began once more, "China is here…"

    Everyone together turned to the guide. "Will you shut up!"

    From outside, Ukkyo enters the restaurant and removes her coat and wrap. "Don't panic, it's just me Ukkyo."

    Soun looked surprised. "What's Ukkyo doing here?" Turning toward Ranma, he cornered the boy near the stove. "What is another one of your fiancés doing here, son!"

    "Look, she's just helping us find out about Akane!" Ranma rolled his eyes. "Besides, she's here for Ryoga if the script is any gauge." Ranma winked and pointed toward the 'couple. "They're kind of an item."

    Both Ryoga and Ukkyo blushed and refused to meet the other's eyes. Then Ukkyo pulled out her spatula and smacked Ranma into the nearest wall. "You're not supposed to embarrass a lady like that, you Jackass! And here I came all this way to help you find Akane."

    Soun grabbed her hand. "Oh, thank you! You're going to help recover my little girl!" The waterworks were turned on once more.

    After about a minute, Ukkyo managed to shake Soun loose and continued. "I heard that the Lords of Death took her over to the White Tiger for a quick sale. If we hurry, maybe we can buy her back."

    Tofu nodded, "And it won't be cheap. She has green eyes."

    Soun turned to the recently recovered Ranma. "When did this happen, Ranma? You have…"

    "Yeah, yeah, a lot of explaining, right." From behind an overturned table, Ranma pointed at the ceiling and exclaimed, "Hey, I didn't do it! It's that crazy Narrator. The big jerk's doing this to all of us! I suppose that's how she got green eyes."

    Ukkyo slumped. "Green eyes? Oh, great! That means the price is automatically double."

    Ranma pulled himself painfully to his feet. "Well, guess that's it for that engagement."

    Instantly he was confronted with Demon-Soun in all his tongue wagging glory. "RANMA!!! WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?"

    Ranma cowered from the onslaught. "All right! All right, I'll go!" He turned to Ryoga, "Look, man. I know we don't get along, but I'm gonna need your help and I can't pay you."

    Ryoga frowned, "Why not?"

    "I'm going to need all my money to get Akane! Now, are you gonna help me or not?"

    Ryoga looked at Ukkyo and Ranma, then his eyes tracked up toward the ceiling. "I suppose I don't have much choice."

    You're learning!

    Soun suddenly glanced around. "Who was that."

    Ranma turned and lead the others out of the room. "You don't even want to know. C'mon, I have an idea."

---

    Outside the White Dragon, Ryoga and the others sat in a car casing the place. "Okay, so what's you're plan, Ranma?"

    With an evil smile, Ranma replied, "Oh, you just have to go in there and hire a girl. With luck, you can convince them to give you Akane."

    Ryoga sat for a moment before the meaning of Ranma's words set in. "Wait a minute! Are you telling me that I'm going to have to…you know…with Akane!" As blood trickled from his nose, his train of thought was thoroughly derailed by the impact of Ukkyo's spatula.

    

    "Get your mind out of the gutter! In this story, you’re my man, so don't go and get any ideas!" Getting back into character, Ukkyo continued, "I'd go in myself, but they know my face in there and would try and cave it in."

    Shakily, Ryoga replied. "Not while I'm around."

    Ranma shook his head in the front seat. "C'mon, you two. If we go back to the restaurant without Akane, I'll never hear the end of it. Ryoga, my future is in your hands!"

    Ukkyo helped Ryoga get ready. "Just remember, you need to look stupid."

    Ranma chuckled. "He does!"

---

    Entering the whorehouse, Ryoga walked up the stairs and smiled at the woman behind the desk. "Boy, sure is raining cats and dogs. The, uh, cab driver said that the White Tiger would take care of me?"

    The woman nodded. "One moment please." Oddly, this Chinese woman had a thick Brooklyn accent.

---

    Outside, in the car, Ukkyo watched as a second car pulled to the curb near to the White Tiger. Ukkyo quickly unbuckled her seatbelt and opened the car door. "I think I know that car. Wait here." She exited the car and ran through the rain.

    Ranma looked at Dr. Tofu, who was driving. "Strange girl." Tofu only shrugged. For some reason, his glasses were beginning to fog over.

    Ukkyo got in the passenger door of the car. "Hi, Kasumi. I'm glad you could make it."

    Kasumi smiled knowingly. "Well, it's nice to have a part where I can get out of the kitchen for once. SO what's going on right now?"

    Pointing at the whorehouse. "Right now we have one of our best men in there, stirring the pot. We may have to rush in at any moment."

    "Oh my, how exciting." Kasumi picked up a pad and pen. "You know I'll do anything and go anywhere to get my story." She looked closely at Ukkyo. "You seem a bit uncomfortable. Is there anything wrong?"

    Ukkyo shrugged. "Oh, just that we are all doing this thing under duress. That and…" She paused uncomfortably, "I think I'm falling for…I mean, well...he's forcing me, sort of…I think…"

    Kasumi crossed her arms. "Ukkyo, spit it out already. I think you're actually worse than Akane when it comes to expressing your feelings."

    "I am not!" Ukkyo blushed. "I think I'm falling for…Ryoga." She met Kasumi's eyes with her own nervous ones. "Have I gone off the deep end or what?"

    "Oh, Ukkyo, I think that's wonderful. Ryoga is such a nice boy. He's such a good friend to Akane and Ranma." From a bag on the seat, Kasumi pulled out a thermos and two cups. She poured some tea for herself and Ucchan before continuing. "Now, why don't we talk about it while we wait for Ryoga."

    To her dismay, Ukkyo found her will weakening.

---

    As Miss Hinako walked into the room, Ryoga got to his feet and smiled…stupidly. "How do you do, ma'am. Henry Swanson is my name and excitement's my game." I can't believe I'm saying a line as lame as that, he thought.

    Eyes wide, Miss Hinako pulled out a five-yen piece. "Oh my, are you a delinquent?" She was about to blast the cringing Ryoga when she heard the Narrator clear his throat. "Oops, I mean, Cash or charge?"

    Smiling ever wider to hide his nervousness, Ryoga replied. "Oh, cash. It's not like you can deduct it as a business expense."

    The Miss Hinako smiled and nodded. "Mrs. O'toole will take care of your needs."

    Ryoga stepped forward and decided to press his luck. "I sure wish that these photos were in color. What I'm really interested in is a girl with green eyes. And price is no object, the more exotic the better." To his annoyance, Ryoga felt a small tickle of blood run out of his nose.

    Mrs. O'toole answered, "Oriental girls don't come with green eyes." Ryoga was lead away to a room.

    Miss Hinako went down a hallway and through a secret passage. Inside a locked room, she looked in on a bound and gagged Akane Tendo, who glared back with loathing in her jade green eyes.

---

    Ryoga ducked back behind the bed to avoid the pitcher thrown in his direction. "Hey, it wasn't my idea! How did I know he was going to cast you in this role?"

    Shampoo paused with the basin held over her head. "True. Pervert Narrator is the one Shampoo wants to put through wall."

    As Ryoga slowly rose to his feet, he noticed that Shampoo's robe had opened exposing quite a bit of skin. He suddenly realized that Shampoo was only wearing the now wide-open robe. Blood began to flow from his nostrils as he tried, with only partial success, to avert his eyes. "Uh, Shampoo, maybe you had better retie your sash?"

    Shampoo dropped the basin and quickly closed the robe. "Aiya! Ryoga, you took your time telling Shampoo that robe was open! YOU PERVERT! Shampoo kill!" From no where, she pulled a huge sword.

    She was about to send Ryoga to his eternal reward when the entire building began to shake violently. Ryoga decided this would be a good time to exit the room before Shampoo showed him his spine.

    "You HAD to cast Shampoo as a…a…"

    The word is hooker, Ryoga.

    "Yeah, right. Well, now you can deal with her. She's gone crazy!"

    Oh, I can handle her. By the way, hang a left here.

    "Huh? Why?"

    As if in answer to his question, Ryoga almost ran straight into Kuno and Pantyhose Taro who were standing imposingly in the narrow hallway.

    Kuno laughed. "So, at last we meet, cur. First, I shall liberate the fair Akane Tendo from this den of iniquity, then I shall rescue the fair pig-tailed girl from the clutched of the foul Ranma Saotome."

    With a sigh, Ryoga replied. "I don't have time for this." Ryoga brought his hands in front of him. "Shi-Shi Hokodan!"

    The blast of energy obscured Ryoga's vision for several seconds. When the blast cleared, Ryoga was shocked to see both Kuno and Taro standing in the heavily damaged hallway as if nothing had occurred. Kuno smiled as he raised his sword. "Was that your best, fool?" With a single blow, Kuno sent Ryoga flying backward into the room with the still fuming Shampoo, knocking the Amazon off her feet.

    In the back room, Akane struggled as she watched Kodachi lower herself through an opening blown in the ceiling after blasting Miss Hinako through the wall. "So, the foul Akane Tendo is at my mercy." Lightning began to spark between her hands. Akane's eyes grew wide. "Too bad for you that I don't have any mercy…"

    KODACHI!

    Kodachi snapped her head toward the voice. "I will not loose this opportunity to punish the one who keeps me away from my darling Ranma! Not even you can stop me!"

    You WILL stick to the script, or you will be replaced. I think Kagato is still looking for some work.

    "You wouldn't dare!"

    Where's that phone number! Besides, Washu can always use a new, Guinea Pig. Interested?

    Kodachi shuddered at the thought of being used by the mad scientist in her experiments. "Very well." She looked down at Akane with menacing glee. "Our master will make your life most interesting when we get you home!"

    That's better, sorta anyway. Don't make me come down there!

    Sullenly, Kodachi nods. "Yes, sir." She quickly freed Akane from the bed and called down more lightning to carry them both away. Her eerie laugh echoing in the night.

    Ryoga and Shampoo slowly climbed to their feet in time to see Kuno and Taro fly into the air. Through the hole in the roof, they saw Kodachi carry the still struggling Akane away into the night.

---

    Later that night, Ranma-chan (he got caught out in the rain) and Ukkyo half carried Ryoga into an office. "Green explosions! Kuno taking my Shi-Shi Hokodan without blinking, people, flying in and out of buildings. That wasn't normal. I want to talk to the cops, and I want my truck back!"

    Flopping into a chair, Ryoga looked around at the clutter. "Where the hell am I?"

    Ukkyo disappeared into the kitchen. "My office."

    Ranma-chan blinked, "You sleep in your office?" She exchanged looks with Ryoga. "Kinky."

    Ukkyo reentered the room and handed Ryoga a glass of milk. She glared at Ranma. "Keep that up, Saotome, and I may decide to start dating Ryoga for real when we get home."

    "You'd really dump me for him?" Ranma-chan waved a hand in Ryoga's general direction. "What's he got that I haven't got?"

    "Manners for starters…"

    In the hall, Dr. Tofu could be heard as Kasumi worked to shepherd him into the office. "Why, Kasumi! What a coincidence meeting you here!"

    Blushing, Ryoga cleared his throat. "Uh, maybe we should stick to the script. No telling when that Narrator guy will get annoyed again."

    Kasumi smiled. "Ryoga's right. So, what do you think we should do now? What do we know about those Storms? What are they, magicians?"

    Tofu still was addled, "Storms, why yes, it's raining cats and dogs right now."

    Ranma shook his head. "His line is supposed to be 'yeah, sorta.' Someone really blew that casting."

    Kasumi giggled as she reached out to keep Dr. Tofu from falling out the window and down the fire escape. "Oh, Dr. Tofu is so funny. Anyway, where do you think they have taken Akane?"

    Ranma paced the room angrily. "Only one place. The Wing Kong exchange!"

    Kasumi's eyes grew large. "But, Ranma, that's the most notorious den of gangsters and cutthroats in all of Chinatown! You can't possibly mean that you're going to try and get in and out of there alone…" She was about to say more, but had to act quickly to prevent Dr. Tofu from falling down the fire escape once more.

    "Like the wind," Ranma finished with confidence. "Yes, Kasumi, I can and I will. My mind and body are as one."

    Ryoga stood and finished his milk. "As two. I told you I'd help and I ain't backing out now."

    Ukkyo stepped forward and took the glass from Ryoga. "Listen, you both know that I'd go with you, but…"

    Ryoga nodded. "I know, there's something wrong with your face." Quietly to Ukkyo, he added. "Though I don't know what."

    To the others, he finished. "Okay, you all hold the fort here, keep the home fires burning and if you don't here from us by morning…" He smiled impishly. "Call the President!"

    Dumping some hot water over Ranma, Ryoga nodded. "Let's go!"

    As they left, Ranma was heard to mutter. "I can't believe I'm stuck as Ryoga's sidekick. I'm gonna call my agent."

---

    Outside the Wing Kong Exchange, Ranma and Ryoga cased the entrance to the building. Ryoga looked at Ranma. "Okay, this is going to take split second timing…"

    Ranma crossed his arms, "The line is 'Cracker Jack timing', P-chan"

    Ryoga smacked Ranma, "Listen, if I need anyone correcting me, I'm sure the Narrator will do it. And don't call me P-chan!"

    Ranma glanced up at the cloudy sky. "Yeah, right, whatever. Let's go already."

    Ryoga stopped Ranma and met his rival's eyes. "If we're going to get Akane out of there, we have to work together. Now are you going to keep complaining, or do you want to leave her in Happosai's clutches."

    Ranma shuddered, "Are you kidding? If that happens, I'm dead when we get back to the dojo. The question is only how slowly she would kill me." He paused before nodding, "You're right. How's about a truce for the rest of this nightmare."

    "Deal!"

    "WOW! I love working nights!" Ryoga exclaimed as they entered the office. Ranma spoke in what sounded like Chinese, but Ryoga couldn't be sure. "Listen, we were called because you were having some problems. I guess the main junction box is down here, don't get up, we'll take care of everything."

    The guards appeared to be stunned and unsure as to what to do, so Ranma and Ryoga quickly made their way into the depths of the Exchange.

    Ranma nodded to Ryoga, "Good job, I think they bought it."

    Ryoga scanned the passage ahead. "Kind of like on Toma's island all those year's ago. Now all we have to do is find out where…" He spotted a camera swinging to follow them. "…Where that main junction box might be. I think it's down here." As he gestured, he directed Ranma's eyes toward the camera.

    Ranma nodded once more. "Yeah, I think I see where. Follow me."

    The pair quickly found themselves in front of a large green door. Ranma searched around for a latch. Ryoga looked at some writing on the door.

    "What does that say, do you think?"

    "Hell of Boiling Oil." Ranma said straight-faced.

    Ryoga paled, "You're kidding."

    Smiling, he chucked Ryoga lightly on the arm, "Yeah, it really just says 'Keep Out'."

    Opening the door, they entered what seemed to be a warehouse. Small statues were lined up on shelves on the wall. They noticed dust everywhere, on the shelves, the statues, and the floor…

    Ryoga saw it first. "Hey, Ranma, look here." He pointed at some tracks in the dust. "It looks like two people dragging a third."

    "Akane!"

    "Most likely." Ryoga started to head in the wrong direction, but Ranma quickly got the lost boy turned back around. "Thanks."

    Soon, the tracks came to a bare wall. Ranma began to search along one border and Ryoga the other. They worked slowly for about a minute when, suddenly, the wall slid to one side. Ranma and Ryoga stood back and looked at each other.

    "Did you do that?"

    Ranma shrugged, "I don't know. I hope so." He walked to the elevator revealed by the now open wall. "C'mon!"

    Entering, they both looked around the small car. Ryoga pointed at the panel. "What do you make of that? Counting backward?"

    "No, counting down. Remember, this is an elevator." Ranma pushed a button and watched the door close. "Where ever it goes, it takes us closer to Akane."

    The elevator began to move, but after only a short time came to an abrupt stop. An iron panel blocked a small window at the back of the car. With a snap, the lights went out.

    After a few minutes of searching, Ryoga finally found the top maintenance hatch. "Okay, all we have to do is go up this hatch and climb the cable."
Ranma smirked. "Oh yeah, great! That cable is 30 feet long and covered in grease."

    "Well, I don't mind getting my hands dirty, Ranma." He was about to say more when water began to seep into the cab from spouts near the floor.

    Ranma looked at Ryoga, a scowl on his face. "Oh, yeah. We'll just be in and out like the wind. Right?"

    Ryoga replied irritably, " Yeah, that's right. I thought that was your whole damn point!"

    "My point was to get in here and find Akane! And your damn truck!"

    Quickly the water filled the small space. Ryoga spit some water out of his mouth. "This is salt water, Ranma!"

    Ranma felt the water, "Well, at least its warm. I won't change."

    Ryoga rolled his eyes, "Yeah, we can both drown in our normal bodies."

    Further comments were curtailed as the water filled over their heads. To their surprise, the door of the elevator chose that moment to open. Quickly, Ranma and Ryoga swam out into a large chamber. Chains were everywhere, and the badly decomposed bodies of other victims Ranma and Ryoga found in the positions where they had died. Sickened, both of them quickly fought their way to the surface.

    "My God, Ranma! What the hell is this place?"

    "Hell of the Upside Down Scissors!" Ranma croaked out, still choking on the saltwater. They were searching for handholds when they looked up and saw Kuno looking down at them with a malevolent expression on his face.

    "So, Ranma Saotome, we meet at last. This time, I won't be so merciful. This time, Akane Tendo and the Pig-Tailed Girl shall be mine!" Psychotic laughter echoes through the chamber as we fade out…

---

    …And fade in back at the restaurant.

    Ukkyo shuddered, "I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm not going to be comfortable with fade outs again for a long time."

    "It could be worse, child. The Narrator might have left you where he had you."

    Kasumi and Ukkyo looked at each other in surprise. Walking into the dining room, they saw Cologne sitting with Soun and the Jusenkyo guide, eating a big bowl of ramen noodles.

    "Hello, Cologne." Kasumi said happily. "What brings you here this evening?"

    Cologne shrugged. "It seems that I've been brought here to help my future Son-in Law with his present difficulties. As it is, I'm seriously handicapped by having that fool Mousse driving me around this city."

    Ukkyo pulled up a chair and sat down. "Okay, so we know where everyone is with the possible exception of Shampoo." With a smirk, she added. "Unless she's been taken by this Lo Happosai character."

    Cologne snorted and began to light her pipe. "Lo Happosai, indeed. For some reason, this fool Narrator has made Happosai into a spirit medium."

    Hey! Who are you calling a fool?

    Continuing as if no one had said anything, "His bones and flesh are atomized, but in exchange he has been granted an impressive array of powers."

    "So, what does he want with Akane?" Kasumi looked concerned.

    Cologne sat back to tell her tale. "Apparently, to regain his flesh and blood, Happy has to marry a certain girl described in legend. For some reason, Akane has been chosen as that girl. Therefore, he intends to marry her at the earliest opportunity."

    Kasumi gasped, Ukkyo paled, Mr. Tendo began to run around the restaurant crying hysterically and, to everyone's amazement, Dr. Tofu came back to his senses.

    Tofu looked thoughtful for a moment. "We need to get over there and find out what's going on. Cologne, we need your bus sitting out front so we can make a quick get away."

    Nodding, Ukkyo filled a bandoleer with some throwing spatulas. "All right. Action is something I can get behind. Let's go and find Ran-chan and Ryoga."

    Kasumi picked up her jacket and bag. "Okay, I'm ready to go."

    Tofu and Ukkyo looked at her in surprise. "You're not going in there." Ukkyo said. "It's too dangerous and you are decidedly a non-combatant. There's no way you can convince me to let you come." Tofu nodded in agreement.

    Kasumi smiled knowingly, "I don't have to say one word." Brushing against Dr. Tofu silenced his objections behind fogged glasses. She then pointed toward the ceiling. "I believe he can be much more persuasive than I can. Isn't that right, Mr. Narrator."

    Absolutely right Kasumi. I told you you'd have fun in this role.

    "Thanks for thinking of me, I always seem to only get the wimpy roles. If it weren't for the occasional demonic possession and periodic Lemon fic, I'd have no fun at all. So, now we should all be going, right?"

    Dr. Tofu looked ill, but was staying focused for the most part. Ukkyo looked up at the ceiling then back at Kasumi several times before speaking. "I suppose there's a good reason for bringing you along."

    "Of course," Kasumi said with a nod. "It's in the script."

    Ukkyo made strangling sounds and was about to argue further but then let her shoulders sag. "Oh, what the hell! We haven't been in control of this thing from the beginning. Come on, Kasumi, you wanna be in on this, who am I to stop you?"

    Slowly, the scene began to fade…

    "Wait a minute!"

    Yes, Ucchan?

    "It's not that I don't trust you, but could you just cut to the next scene and skip all the dramatic fades?"

    Well, I do happen to like them.

    "Please?"

    Well, since you asked nicely…

    {* In a contrite voice, * Can Shampoo come back in now?}

    Have you finished?

    {Yes, Shampoo write 100 times 'I will not kill the star'. You happy now?}

    Well, I don't know…

    {*Sigh* Very well, Shampoo wear bikini.}

    * Chuckling * Okay, you can come back now.

    So where were we?

(To be continued)

    The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creations of Rumiko Takahashi and are being used without her permission The events from Big Trouble in Little China are the property of 20th Century Fox and likewise are being used without permission. Any likeness to any persons living or dead is just your imagination and is not my problem.

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