I’d been with him for more than two years, had lived and shared my life with him for nearly a year, but I didn’t really know who he was until then. That day, I realized that there was a huge part of him I never knew about. It was on the day that he came home early from work.

“You’re home early.” Josh stated as his boyfriend Justin Timberlake walked in. It was only four in the afternoon, Josh hadn’t expected him until at least six.

Justin nodded, “Yeah.”

Josh stood from the couch, “Not that I’m complaining, but why? I thought you were gonna be gone till at least six.”

“You want me to leave?” Justin countered, anger bristling to avoid the real question: why was he home early when he should have been at work.

Josh frowned, “No, of course not!”

“Doesn’t look like it to me.” Justin crossed his arms over his chest.

“I’m just wondering why you got home so early.” Josh asked, still calm. He knew Justin. He knew how saying the wrong thing could set him off. It was usually when he was avoiding something, angering Josh so he’d just be mad at him instead of pressing the issue. Josh had been living with Justin for too long not to know that and Josh was sure something was up. So he stayed calm and pressed whatever Justin was trying to avoid.

Justin met Josh’s eyes and saw the determination in those blue orbs. Sighing heavily as he realized Josh was not going to give up, he answered reluctantly, “I got fired.”

“What?” Josh exclaimed, surprised. Justin had liked working there, he was a good employee.

“On what grounds?”

Justin shook his head in dismissal, “It’s not important.” He said while turning away, leaving to go to the kitchen, avoiding Josh and his questions once again. But Josh followed him, unwilling to let this drop.

“It is! They have no right to just fire you.”

Justin remained quiet and busied himself with fixing a drink. He didn’t want to give Josh the real reason. He didn’t want to tell him the truth, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to outright lie to him either. If only Josh would just stop with the questions.

“We should fight this.”

“No, no!”

Josh frowned and studied Justin intently. Something wasn’t right. His shoulders were extremely tense, he had a miserable yet guilty expression on his face and he was avoiding Josh’s eyes entirely. Josh drew his conclusion: Justin was hiding something.

“Is there something you’re not telling me?”

Justin drank his juice as if he was dying of thirst. His gaze downward.

“What is it?” Josh urged, he could take the truth, whatever it was he could deal with it. What he couldn’t take was a liar.

Justin finished his drink, too soon really and sighed. Now he had to answer Josh. He ducked his head, unable to lie, he started to answer. “They fired me…”

He took a deep breath and whispered, “Because they saw me steal from them.”

“What?” Josh breathed in disbelief. He shook his head.

“It must be a mistake.” Josh said convinced. But Justin didn’t echo his statement.

“Right?” Justin cringed and shook his head.

“I didn’t want you to find out this way,” he whispered finally turning to face Josh.

“Find out what? That you’re a thief!” Josh cried in response, shocked beyond belief. Justin flinched at the loud tone and tears sprung to his eyes.

“Josh,” he begged, stepping closer, reaching out for his lover.

“What the hell Justin?!” Josh cried, feeling betrayed as he took a few steps back, away from Justin. Thinking he knew Justin, but the fact of the matter was that he apparently didn’t know him at all. Justin’s heart broke as Josh distanced himself and Justin stood, frozen on the spot. Longing for Josh’s touch and wanting Josh to say it would be okay but not daring to ask for either.

“I don’t want to but I can’t help it!” Justin tearfully defended.

Josh frowned, “You can’t help it? You can’t help but to steal?”

Justin nodded, sniffling. “I don’t need those things, I don’t even like half of it, but…”

“What did you steal?”

Justin caught his bottom lip between his teeth, tears swam in his eyes, feeling as if his world was crumpling down. His secret was out at last.

Sniffling he answered, “Two forks, three knives, a spoon and a key chain.”

“Did you ever steal from me?” Josh asked harsher than he intended.

“No!” Justin denied adamant.

“But how can I believe you Justin? I thought I knew you!”

“You do, Josh. You do! I swear I have not stolen anything from you. I love you, Josh, please forgive me.” Justin begged, taking a step closer to Josh, reaching for his hand. But he stilled his movement when Josh spoke suddenly soft again.

“How do you justify this?”

“I… I don’t, I paid them for what I stole… I just don’t have an explanation.”

“Have you done this before?”

Justin hesitated for a brief moment, his own eyes meeting Josh’s shortly before nodding, red coloring his cheeks as he confessed that yes he’d done this before. Many, many times.

“Oh my God!” Josh cried before he stormed off and Justin followed like a kicked puppy, begging for forgiveness.

“I’m being honest with you. I’ve told you the truth, please Josh, I’m so sorry, I love you.” Justin waited for Josh’s reaction, he stood with hunched shoulders, staring at Josh’s back.

Several minutes passed before Josh turned to face Justin suddenly.

“I need to think about this,” Josh began staring into Justin’s miserable eyes. “Alone.”

Justin sniffled as tears spilled over and he nodded. “I’ll… I’ll leave.”

And he did without another word, his frame hunched over with rejection. Josh watched him go out the front door, sighing heavily and slumping down onto the couch once the door closed behind him.

Hours later, the front door was pushed open carefully and Justin slipped inside with his head low. The emotional pain was visible in his posture as he just spent hours sitting on a bench, crying into his hands and beating himself up for the mistakes he’d made.

He remained quiet as he moved to the living room, wanting to know if Josh was would see him yet, ready to leave again if Josh wasn’t. Josh was laying on the couch, an arm over his eyes. Justin tiptoed around the couch and looked down at the beautiful man that he used to call his, now he wasn’t so sure anymore.

“Josh?” Justin quietly said, as to not to startle the older man, while insecurity cracked his voice.

Apparently Josh had heard him coming because Josh didn’t jump at all, he slowly removed the arm from his eyes and turned his head, eyeing Justin up and down, settling on his face. Justin still looked like he was about to cry. As Josh studied Justin further he saw the bloodshot and red rimmed eyes, the miserable and defeated expression on his face was hard to miss. Silently, Josh sat up and faced Justin.

“Why did you steal, Justin?”

Meeting Josh’s eyes for a moment, Justin swallowed hard, forcing back his tears. “I… I don’t know Josh.”

“Don’t lie to me, Justin,” Josh warned harshly and he saw Justin cringe. “Do you want us to be over?”

“No!”

“Then don’t fucking lie to me.” Justin turned away from Josh, walking to the window, settling his gaze on the street below.

“If you ever expect me to trust you again, you’ll tell me the truth.”

Dropping his head in defeat, Justin bit his lip nervously, he knew Josh had a right to an explanation, but he didn’t know if he could give him one. Turning suddenly he dropped into a chair, opposite of the couch Josh was sitting on, and faced Josh.

“I saw my mother,” he explained, breaking eye contact before he even finished his sentence.

Josh blinked, frowned, opened his mouth to respond, but closed it again when he realized he didn’t know what he was going to say. Instead he simply repeated the little information Justin had provided him with and hoped for an elaboration. “You saw your mother?”

Justin nodded, he never met Josh’s eyes but he continued, “I know this is…” he sighed, “Hard. For you to understand, but it’s the truth. And…” he was plucking at the knee of his jeans restlessly, channeling all his nervous energy towards it. “I know you deserve an explanation and…” Another big breath. “I don’t want to lose you.” Josh sucked in a breath when Justin met his eyes briefly, the message he read in there more powerful than a thousand words could convey. “And I want you to trust me.”

“Just tell me what happened,” Josh urged softly, he couldn’t make any promises.

Justin nodded, lowering his chin to his chest, staring at the knee of his jeans and the threads he’d pulled off already. But continuing just the same as he began to speak.

“I was organizing the clothing racks at the women’s section when I saw her.”

Closing his eyes he could still see her, walking down the aisle, scanning the racks hastily. A purse clutched under her arm, her curly hair pushed back by hairband, dressed in designer clothes and fancy shoes clicking against the stoned floor as she walked at a fast pace.

“I dropped the jeans I’d been holding and froze.”

He could still feel the panic that had surged through his veins, the pain and hurt that she triggered just by her appearance.

“I fled to the dressing rooms.”

His heart had pounded in his ears as he was finally able to force his legs to move, to get away as she came closer. He hid in one of the stalls and held his breath, listening intently for the clicking of those heels.

“She was gone when I came back out.”

He didn’t say that was after nearly half an hour. He’d waited to make sure she was gone, he’d even peeked around the corner to make sure the coast was clear.

“And seeing her made you steal?” Josh asked quietly, trying his best not to sound incredulously or accusatorily, but it was very hard for him. How did this make sense?

“I don’t have the same bond with my mother as you do with yours, Josh,” Justin said softly, knowing it was hard for Josh to understand how a son could not have a close relationship with his mom.

“I haven’t talked to her in almost three years and seeing her reminded me of things I rather not remember.” Unable to tell Josh everything yet, he continued quickly before Josh could ask for clarification. He’d never really opened up about his parents and he didn’t want to start now.

“I couldn’t think straight, I wasn’t aware of what I was doing when I took those things.”

He’d been in shock for the rest of the day and as if in trance his hand had reached for the utensils and other random items he had no use for as he’d gone on his break. He couldn’t even recall it exactly. He knew that he was doing it, but he couldn’t stop it. Thoughts, memories spiraled through him like a summer storm and he felt out of control. The items were inside his jacket before he realized it.

“When they came and confronted me with what they’d seen, I didn’t protest.”

He’d stood and spread his arms when his supervisor asked if they could search him. He’d been in the staff room barely five minutes when they confronted him. He wasn’t surprised when the second man withdrew the items from his jacket, but looked at them as if they were foreign to him once they were displayed on the table.

“They fired me on the spot.”

He’d only heard half of what the two men had said to him and went along when they lead him to the private office of his supervisor. He’d listened unresponsively when they told him they weren’t pressing charges because the combined value of the items didn’t even total fifteen dollars.

“I paid them a retribution of fifty dollars and they escorted me out the door.”

His head had still been buzzing when he was standing outside on the pavement. He didn’t notice the man who’d lead him outside, was still standing by the doors, making sure he would not come back in. He’d shaken his head finally and put one foot in front of the other, walking home, praying Josh wouldn’t ask him why he was home so early. He knew he couldn’t lie.

“They didn’t ask for an explanation?” Josh asked after clearing his throat. Justin looked up and shook his head.

“Can you forgive me, Josh?” Justin asked quietly, his head low, biting his lip nervously. The hole in his jeans only getting bigger after he’d been plucking at lose threads throughout the reliance of the story.

Josh sighed, then stood, making Justin look up. Josh saw the fear in Justin’s eyes clearly as they followed his every step until Josh was seated on the coffee table in front of him.

Justin watched wide-eyed as Josh pulled Justin’s hand from his fraying jeans and held both hands in his own. A glimmer of hope shone in Justin’s eyes, but Josh still saw the trepidation of being rejected.

“I still don’t really understand why you did it,” Josh began and Justin felt himself panic, getting ready to explain further, to make it clearer. “But I’m glad you told me what happened and confided in me.”

Justin was still wired because although Josh was saying positive things it didn’t mean he couldn’t still shoot him down. Josh stared into Justin’s eyes and said with a small reassuring smile, “I forgive you, Justin.” It felt like hours to Justin before Josh finally said those words and his shoulders sagged immediately, relief washing over him.

“Oh Josh, thank you, thank you!” he chanted, as he lunged at him, wrapping his arms tightly around his neck.

“I love you, I love you,” he whispered as he leaned into Josh, his head on Josh’s shoulder, face hidden in the crook of Josh’s neck while tears slipped from his eyes.

Josh smiled and pulled his boy closer, reaching his hand up to stroke Justin’s curls soothingly, pressing his lips softly against Justin’s forehead, letting Justin know that it was okay.

They were okay.

The first crack in our relationship. I didn’t acknowledge it then, I pretended it wasn’t there. I told myself we were okay. Justin had come clean, he’d been honest with me, we loved each other and we could work it out. Everything was fine.