For a long time I didn’t understand why he did the things that he did. I didn’t even know if he knew why he did it. Despite the fact I wanted to know, I didn’t pressure him, afraid it’d make things worse. I thought about it for months, without any indication from him that he was considering telling me. Although we lived our lives together, there were secrets between us that neither of us broached. I knew it couldn’t be good to live this way, but I wasn’t ready to bring it up because I thought he wasn’t ready.

Justin walked into the kitchen where Josh was standing in front of the stove, busy making dinner. He was holding a shoebox in his hands and made a beeline for the kitchen table. Josh looked over his shoulder as he heard footsteps, frowning as he followed Justin with his eyes. He continued to look as Justin halted in front of the table, tipped the contents of the box he was holding onto the table and took a seat. Josh’s frown deepened as he saw the items sprawled over the surface and the unreadable look on Justin’s face.

“Justin?” he called, a little worried. When Justin didn’t respond, Josh turned the heat down and walked towards him.

“Justin?” he asked again, gently placing his hand on Justin’s shoulder to catch his attention.

Justin did look up at Josh, but the look in his eyes was still foreign to Josh. He thought he saw determination, fear, hope, shame and pain. Josh’s eyes softened, worried now, he gently asked, “What’s wrong, baby?”

Justin broke eye contact, “Can you sit down, Josh? I need to tell you something.” Josh’s stomach dropped though Justin’s voice was controlled. Josh sank slowly into the nearest seat and waited anxiously. “What is it?”

Justin folded his hands and brought them to his mouth, he closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath before reaching for one of the items on the table. Josh followed Justin’s hands with his eyes as they held a lighter and fidgeted with it, turning it round and round. He wasn’t aware that he was holding his breath until Justin finally spoke, “I stole this back in October after I just had the customer from hell. It was so busy, remember I was working at that jewelry store?”

At Josh’s slight nod, he continued, “There was this woman, a total snob, incredibly rude and just plain mean. She made me feel stupid, like I was trash. On my way home I went through Macy’s and took this lighter.” He held it up as he finished his story, then put it back, picking up something else. A pair of sunglasses this time, “I took this after our fight in April. We’d argued about petty things that we blew out of proportion because we were both so tired, I stormed out and stole this.”

“And these,” Justin began another story as he took a watch, a bracelet and a hat into his hands. “I remember this so well, this was the worst. I was working at the bakery. Mr. Zainman, my boss, yelled at me in front of two other employees after opening hours. He said I’d ruined all the sandwiches that had been shipped in that morning because I’d put them in the basement. I was only working there for three weeks and Harry, one of the two who was looking on as I was scolded for my ignorance and incompetence, had told me to put them in the basement. He said nothing. On my way home, I snatched these from a street vendor.”

One item after another, each had its own story, but they’d all had one thing in common: it were stolen items. And Justin had been the one who’d taken them. Josh was overwhelmed by the stories, the number of items that were out on the table and the realization that Justin was opening up about a subject they’d never spoken about before.

“I steal…” Justin began, after offering the stories behind about a dozen items, “Because, it makes me feel… powerful and in control.” Justin had folded his hands in front of him and his fingers were fidgeting nervously. Josh said nothing and allowed Justin his time as he took a deep breath and then continued.

“When I steal I feel smart, clever. I feel like I accomplished something and I feel happy.” He kept his head low as he spoke, he didn’t want to see the condemnation in Josh’s eyes. “I crave to feel that way after something bad happens that makes me feel bad. I steal to feel good again. It’s a rush, an addiction and always, no matter how good it makes me feel during and right after, always brings on the guilt after a while. And I beat myself up for giving in again.”

Josh was staring at Justin, letting the words play over and over again in his head, trying to take them in, trying to understand. They were both silent for a moment or two, processing the words: Justin what he had revealed and Josh what he’d been told.

“Josh?” Justin addressed him softly, he still seemed in trance. But snapped out of it when Justin called his name again, louder this time.

“Yes?”

“What… what are you thinking?” Justin wondered, wanting to know, but at the same time afraid of the answer. Josh didn’t answer, too much information to process and to get it straight in his head. He couldn’t find the words to answer Justin. It was too much.

“Are you angry?”

Josh shook his head.

“Do you want me to leave?”

Another shake.

“Do you hate me? Think I’m a bad person?”

A feverish shake of denial, “N… no!” Josh finally managed.

“Then what?” Justin asked quietly, insecurity evident in his voice. Josh shook his head a few more times in attempt to clear it and to find the words he wanted Justin to hear.

“I… I’m proud of you.”

“What?!” Justin asked flabbergasted, nearly falling out of his chair.

Josh waved his hand, shook his head, “Not because you steal, but because you told me. Because you opened up and tried to make me understand. Because you explained.” The incident that triggered this explanation had been months ago, but he only now got an explanation that made sense.

“Thank you.” Justin managed a small smile.

“Is there a way I can help you?” Josh asked softly, as their eyes locked, smiles fading.

Justin nodded. “Just… be there for me?” he asked.

Josh sat forward, taking Justin’s hands in his own. “I will, always.” Josh promised.

“Will you tell me then when something happens?” he asked. Justin stared into Josh’s eyes, though he wasn’t sure if he could, but if there was one person he’d tell it was Josh.

He nodded, promising. “I will.”

“I will help you.” Josh promised, bringing Justin’s hands up to his lips and kissing the back of them.

Justin smiled and nodded believing that Josh could help.

At that moment I honestly believed I could help him. I was convinced my love would change him and that I could save him. The months after we took that big step were absolutely wonderful. I felt like I finally knew him. Not the façade he’d put up before but the real Justin. The one with the memories and a past.

Laying on the couch, Josh had slung an arm over his eyes while Justin was asleep against him. They’d watched a movie and had a romantic dinner together. It’d been a wonderful evening, just like the past few months had been.

After that night that Justin had revealed the reason why he stole, they hadn’t spoken about stealing again. Josh was sure that if Justin felt the need to steal he’d come to him. Justin hadn’t so he assumed it was alright. Besides he didn’t want to ruin the incredible stage of their relationship they were in at this moment and the wonderful time they were having lately by bringing that up. It’d be like smearing dirt all over a newly cleaned tablecloth.

No, Justin was fine, or other wise he would have said something.

Though I knew then why he stole, he was still tight lipped about his childhood. He’d told me he didn’t have any contact with his mother and father, but he never said why. When I persisted, he told me their bond was not strong and they never got along. I wondered how that was possible. How could you not get along with the people who had given you life? Justin never answered that question and he never really wanted to talk about it in depth. He never relayed funny stories or good memories of his childhood either. He didn’t let anything slip. I never got why, until he explained to me how his childhood had really been like.

“I started stealing because of my father,” Justin dropped out of the blue as he lay in bed, watching how Josh shed his clothes to join him. However Josh stopped and spun towards him abruptly after catching his statement.

“What?”

Justin didn’t meet Josh’s eyes as he elaborated. “The first time I stole was years ago, when I still lived at home.” He took a deep breath to mentally prepare himself because this was the hardest part and most painful truth about his past.

“My dad had badgered me for hours, from the moment he woke up and spotted me until I couldn’t take it anymore and fled in the afternoon. I don’t know why I took something, it was stupid, a roll of adhesive tape, but it helped for some reason. It made me feel better. So after that, every time something or someone made me feel really bad I stole something. I couldn’t stop.” Justin rushed through the explanation. He had no clue why he was telling Josh this, it felt right though.

But it didn’t exactly make sense to Josh, “Badgered?” he asked after he walked around to Justin’s side of the bed and sat down on the edge, taking one of Justin’s hands in his own.

Justin looked up finally and nodded.

With his lover sitting so close, his hand safely in Josh’s grip, he went on from there and confided in him. Justin told Josh everything about his childhood. How he’d been abused as a child. Verbally abused, by his own father, while his mother did or said nothing to help him. How his father had yelled at him constantly, how he’d hammered him about not being smart enough, not being social enough and not being useful to the family. How he could never do anything right, no matter how hard he tried.

Justin rehashed it while tears constantly streamed down his face. Josh moved over and held him tight, the only thing he could do. Justin revealed the things his father had said to him, the nasty words and the taunting in his voice. He remembered every angry word his father had said to him and he whispered to Josh how he’d rather would have had physical abuse. However his father had never laid a hand on him. If he had maybe Justin wouldn’t think so lowly of himself. He wouldn’t have to go over every word over and over again, wondering if his father was right about him. And when things didn’t quite work out the way he’d planned, the voice wouldn’t tell him see dad was right, you are a failure. The pain he’d have to deal with if his father would have hit him would have faded, this kind of pain was buried in his soul, edged onto his brain, carved into his heart. This pain would never go away and he hated his father even more. But he never hated his father more than he hated himself.

It had made Josh so incredibly angry and sad. He couldn’t stop his own tears and cried with him. He understood then why Justin ran after a fight, why he hated it when they yelled at all. Josh understood him and Josh told himself this would make them stronger as he held Justin’s shaking form. They were better than ever now because there were no more secrets between them. It could only get better from now on.