I was wrong. It could get worse and after the progress we’d made over the past few months it only hurt that much more to fall back to a place we’d hoped we’d left behind us for good.

“Josh, I screwed up,” Justin said quietly after he’d been staring at his hands that had been resting on the kitchen table for some time.

Despite Justin’s soft tone, to Josh it felt like Justin had just dropped a bombshell on him and so he dropped the kitchen knife he’d used to slice tomatoes for the salad he was making and turned abruptly. Justin slowly met Josh’s enquiring eyes and sighed heavily. Josh said nothing. It made Justin squirm uncomfortably.

“What did you do?” Josh finally whispered, his heart thudding in his chest, his stomach sinking, anticipating the worst. All the while thinking not again, they were doing so well lately. It couldn’t be what he thought because Justin would come to him first! He’d promised.

Justin’s head dropped and Josh held his breath, “I… um… took some things.” He admitted shamefully, his voice quiet.

Josh released his breath only to gasp, slapping a hand in front of his mouth as he whispered, “No.” Justin’s shoulders sagged at Josh’s disappointment.

“But… I… I thought you’d tell me when something happened. So I could help you.” Josh stumbled, in shock and disbelief. His head shaking on its own accord. Hurt that it had happened again and that Justin hadn’t come to him first.

“I know, I know Josh. I said I would, but…” Justin began.

“But what?” Josh asked, between worry and anger.

“It just happened so fast, I couldn’t stop it. I had to.”

When it happened, Justin had been numb, his mind blank except for the overwhelming urge to steal. To feel better. Josh and his promise to help when something happened forgotten. His own promise to Josh buried. All he knew was that he had to steal, right now. He needed to feel in control. Talking about it was not going to accomplish that, stealing was.

“You had to?” Josh repeated, feeling tears well up and swallowing hard to force them back down.

Justin nodded, shamefully.

“But… we promised each other…” Josh choked as he dropped into the chair next to Justin. Still not able to grasp the fact that Justin had went behind his back, had secluded him from a decision that affected them both. Shocked because the first thing Josh had expected to hear from Justin concerning this subject was that he needed help, that something had happened and that he’d had the urge to steal. Josh would speak to him about it and talk him out of it, preventing him from making the mistake, preventing him from giving in. This had not been calculated, this he had not anticipated.

Justin grasped Josh’s hands and pulled them towards him while he dropped his head. “I know, I know.”

Josh studied the top of Justin’s curly head sadly, tears brimming, “So now what?” he asked, wondering where they stood. If he couldn’t help Justin, then what? Justin lifted his head to meet Josh’s eyes.

“I… I don’t know,” he answered honestly.

“Did you plan to keep your promise or… was it just to… butter me up?” Josh asked, though it hurt, he needed to know if Justin ever intended to keep his promise or if it was an empty one to keep him satisfied, thinking he could help, when he really couldn’t. Because Justin didn’t want his help.

“No! I wanted to keep it, I wanted to tell you if something happened, but when it did… it just went too fast.”

As Josh looked into Justin’s eyes he saw sincerity, but still he wondered one thing, “Can I help you? Do you even want my help?”

Justin nodded, “I think you can, I want you to. I love you.” Josh searched Justin’s face as he spoke, that beautiful face he fell in love with. The one he caressed every night, and thanked God for being his.

“Please Josh,” Justin whispered, “Can we try again?” Josh continued to stare at the miserable man before him, but the one he loved so much.

“I will tell you next time, I swear.”

A few tears slipped out of Josh’s eyes as Justin begged him for another chance, how could he deny him? How could he give up on him? Josh pulled his hands from Justin’s, swiping at the tears before taking Justin’s hands in his. He nodded. “Okay.”

Justin fell out of his chair, onto his knees in front of Josh as he hugged him tightly around the waist, burying his face against Josh’s chest.

“Thank you, I won’t disappoint you again, I promise.”

Josh wrapped his arms around Justin and rested his head on Justin’s curly hair. Knowing he’d given Justin another chance though he was scared Justin would blow it. He prayed it would be better this time, begged the universe to let them have this second chance or third really and just be okay.

“How can I help him?” Josh asked his father somewhat desperately. He wanted so badly for this relationship to work. He was not letting this destroy them, destroy Justin.

Josh had pretended to be sure of them, made Justin believe he knew it would be okay. But the truth of the matter was that he stayed strong for Justin, while insecurity and worry tore at his heart. He knew he couldn’t share his worries with Justin as it wouldn’t make Justin feel better, it wouldn’t let him know that Josh was there for him and was willing to help, trusted him to do better. He couldn’t deal with this alone though and therefore he sought out his father hoping he’d soothe his nerves as Josh himself had done for Justin.

“Josh,” Roy began, putting his hands on his son’s shoulders, “I’m not sure if you can help him.” Josh’s eyes widened and tears welled up. Roy sighed as his son pulled away swiftly.

“I know it’s not what you want to hear, but it’s my honest opinion.”

“I came to you, because I thought you would help me. Mom already passed her judgment on Justin not being good enough, I thought you’d be behind me.”

“I am behind you, so is your mother. Just because you don’t like what we have to say, doesn’t mean we don’t support you.” Josh sighed, knowing they were behind him, but it didn’t feel like they were.

“I want to help him, I want to get through this,” Josh said. “With him.” He stressed.

“I know this is important to you, Josh,” Roy said sympathetically.

“But,” he took a breath, realizing his son was not going to like this, but knowing that he had to say it just like Josh needed to hear it. “Justin obviously has issues, Josh, you can’t pretend they’re not there.”

“I’m not!” Roy looked at him skeptically.

“I’m not!” Josh cried.

“Look, dad,” he began, taking a breath, “I love him.”

“We will work it out.”

Roy went to say something but then didn’t, knowing Josh was convinced that his love would erase Justin’s problems. He knew Josh, he was as headdstrong as his mother. Nothing he said would get his son to change his mind.

I was so stubborn, I just wouldn’t let anyone convince me that we were not meant to be. If we wanted to be, we were. If we just fought with everything we had, it would be fine. I convinced myself it would be different this time. He’d screwed up once, but he wouldn’t again. He wouldn’t do that to us. I was wrong, he did… or so I thought.

“Justin, I can’t find my watch!” Josh called over his shoulder to Justin who was in the shower as he rummaged through his nightstand. He thought he’d put it here. Josh was late for work, he’d overslept and was now rushing to get his things together.

“What?” Justin called back, the water splashing against the tiles, making it hard for him to hear what Josh was saying.

“I can’t find my watch!” Josh repeated as he poked his head around the bathroom door.

“Use mine, it’s in the nightstand.”

“Thanks!” Josh said quickly before rushing off.

Bending over the nightstand on Justin’s side of the bed and pulling the first drawer open. He scanned it quickly, but in his haste did not see the watch. Pulling the second open while closing the first he searched with his hands as it was filled with papers. Going through it quickly, he frowned when his hand brushed past something soft. Moving his hand back he grasped the square object and pulled it out from the back of the drawer. He stood up straight as he held a black velvet box in his hands. He opened it and gasped as a simple yet beautiful silver ring was revealed. His mind reeling, he snapped it shut as his tears welled up.

Josh dropped down on the bed, forgetting about work. He held the box in his hands, turning it round and round, waiting for Justin to come out of the bathroom while four words echoed in his head: he did it again.

“Josh!” Justin exclaimed, getting out of the bathroom, a towel around his waist, surprised to see Josh was still home.

“What are you doing just sitting there, you should have been at work fifteen minutes ago!”

Josh didn’t respond. Justin worried about him getting late, but when he caught the look on Josh’s face as he went for the closet to get some clothes on, he stopped dead in his tracks.

“Josh?” he asked, getting increasingly more nervous.

“What’s wrong?”

Josh finally looked up, unshed tears shimmering in his eyes. He held up the box and opened it, “Is there anything you need to tell me, Justin?”

Justin took a few steps towards Josh, but Josh shook his head, his anger taking over. “You did it again!” he accused.

“You promised you wouldn’t, you swore you’d tell me first!”

“No, Josh, wait!” Justin tried to intervene, but Josh cut him off.

“Why should I? Dammit Justin! It’s only been a week!” he shrieked.

“Josh, hold on! I didn’t steal that!”

Josh had a stricken look on his face as the words sank in. “What?!”

“I didn’t steal that ring! You can’t steal a ring in a box! You only get one when you buy it.” Josh’s expression was still doubtful.

“I bought the ring,” Justin said, meeting Josh’s eyes as he finished, “For you.”

If the situation wasn’t so serious, Justin would have laughed at the shocked expression on his lover’s face. Josh looked down at the open box in his hands, stared at the ring. “For me?”

Justin stepped closer, finally daring to. Josh had been so angry, he’d thought it was better to keep some distance between them, but now that Josh was calm, he could approach and he sat down next to his love.

“Yeah,” Justin nodded, his voice soft.

“Why?” Josh asked, turning sideways to face Justin.

“I just wanted to,” Justin began, taking a deep breath, staring down at his hands as he softly said, “Thank you for… giving me another chance and… believing in me.” His voice cracked as he let the last few words pass his lips.

“Oh, Justin,” Josh sagged, feeling incredibly guilty and stupid for accusing Justin of this as he learned what it had really been for. Justin slowly looked up into Josh’s eyes, shamed himself. Knowing Josh wouldn’t have accused him, if he himself hadn’t given him a reason to.

“I’m so sorry, baby!” Justin shook his head, telling him he understood though it hurt.

“I really am. I guess… I’m just so afraid you’ll do it again,” Josh confessed.

“I know, Josh, but I told you… I’ll tell you.” Josh nodded.

“I know, but I’m still scared.”

“Me too.” Justin whispered honestly.

Though he’d promised Josh he’d tell him, he was still afraid he wouldn’t be able to tell him. Because once the urge to steal, to make himself feel good, came up, it was nearly impossible to think of anything else but that. He prayed he could make good on his promise, prayed he could make Josh proud, prayed they’d survive because it was obvious Josh didn’t trust him. Not really, not like before. And honestly he couldn’t really expect him to. Not after he’d broken his trust. He prayed he could earn it back, he wanted to, he really did, he just hoped nothing would come between that. That the urge to steal would stay away and if it didn’t that he’d be strong enough to suppress it.

Justin took the box from Josh gently and withdrew the ring. Silently he took Josh’s right hand in his own and with a soft smile upwards, he slid the ring onto Josh’s ring finger. Kissing his hand with love and holding it after.

Josh smiled happily though something still irked him, but he forced it to the back and leaned in, kissing Justin on the lips, thanking him silently. His other hand slipped around Justin’s waist and he lowered him onto the bed. Intend to thank Justin properly.

“Josh, work,” Justin gasped in between kisses.

Josh shook his head, pulled back for two seconds to quickly say, “Already late,” before pulling the towel from around Justin’s waist and flinging it across the room.