I’d wrestled with the choice whether or not I should give him another chance in those few days. I wanted to so badly. I didn’t want to lose him because I couldn’t be without him and therefore I gradually convinced myself it would be different this time. It would be better, it just had to. But that was exactly the reason why it didn’t get better, because this time it was me who screwed up.

“Josh, please,” Justin begged his boyfriend exasperated as he slammed his fork down during the middle of dinner. A question that was engraved in Justin’s brain popped up again and he really wanted to scream.

Ever since Josh had forgiven him barely two months ago, Justin had felt like Josh had been hovering over him. Asking him nearly every day if he was okay, if he didn’t need to tell him something.

The months that had passed had been hard on both of them. They’d struggled to make it work and had fought to stay together. It’d put so much stress on both of them, there was hardly any time left for them to just love each other and be together. It was not like it was before and it hadn’t been for a long time.

Josh had began to get extremely attached, at first Justin had thought it was just concern, but during the last few days and weeks really, Justin felt as if he’d been suffocating. Josh was enveloping him, trying to protect him to the extent that he was crushing him. He’d tried to tell Josh he was fine, he could back off a little and let him breathe, but it only worked for a little while.

Josh knew somewhere that he might be exaggerating a little, but he felt as if Justin was slipping away from him. He’d felt it after every problem they’d had, but he’d mostly managed to ignore it. However after the last strain on their relationship, Josh was aware of the fact that he was slowly losing Justin. And he did everything in his power to stop that from happening even though he might know somewhere that by behaving the way he was, he was actually achieving the complete opposite.

Josh looked up confused, hurt passing his features. “What?”

“Can you please, please, just one day, not ask me if I need to tell you something?”

Josh frowned, “Why?” Not aware of having done anything wrong.

“Because it is driving me insane! If you think I stole something without telling you, if you don’t trust me, just come out and say it, but this subtle interrogation… just STOP.” Justin ranted, the end harsher than he’d intended. Josh had slowly lowered his own fork to his plate as he listened to Justin in shock.

“But… I…” he began, then stopped, realizing he didn’t know what he was going to say.

“Interrogation?” Josh echoed, the word finally sinking in completely.

“Yes!” Justin shot back as he pushed back from the table and stood, feeling himself lose control.

“You are constantly hovering over me, suffocating me with your questions!”

Josh jumped to his feet to protest, but Justin continued, “I might as well be in jail, you sure get a hell of a lot more space!” he cried in anger, months of pent up frustration unleashing in the worst possible way.

Josh stumbled back, feeling as if he’d been punched in the gut, the sting of those words worse than any punch could ever be. He looked at his angry lover, his mind reeling. Thinking of all the months he’d spent worrying about this man, fearing he’d screw up, and going out of his way to prevent it from happening. But it blew up in his face. Every. Single. Time. Josh found that he could no longer hold back all those feelings he had tried to control for so long.

“Can you really blame me Justin?” He snapped.

“For asking, for wanting to make sure you’re okay, that you haven’t stolen anything?” Josh yelled, turning the anger around. Because if Justin was playing that game, Josh might as well join him.

“I wanted us to have a future! I fought for us, all you ever did was destroy us!” Josh accused, as he pointed a finger at Justin. The words out before he realized it, but regretting them immediately as he watched how Justin’s eyes welled up with tears.

“Justin,” he called, but Justin had already turned and ran. Josh went after him, but it was too late. As he opened the front door he could just see Justin’s car speed around the corner.

Josh woke up on the couch hours later, it was dark outside and he rubbed his eyes as he wondered how he’d ended up here. Slowly the events of the evening came back to him, remembering their fight, how Justin had stormed off and how he’d dropped himself on the couch with a bottle of scotch in his hands. It hadn’t taken long before he’d passed out. Justin was right, he couldn’t handle liquor and his head hurt so bad. He groaned and closed his eyes as he righted himself, the pounding in his head multiplying.

As he slowly opened his eyes, he thought he was delirious as he was almost certain he could see Justin sitting in the chair opposite from him. He closed his eyes again, sure that if he reopened them Justin would be gone. But he wasn’t. He was waiting for Josh to wake up.

Josh struggled to his feet and took small steps towards Justin. Still afraid he’d vanish into thin air any second now. When he got closer and he could still see him, Josh shook his head in disbelief, though he regretted the action immediately.

“Justin?” he asked softly.

Justin nodded and looked up at Josh who was only two feet away from him, “Yes, Josh, I’m here.”

Josh’s knees buckled and Justin shot up, catching his love before he went down. Justin shifted the man in his arm, sliding one arm around his back, the other under his knees before lifting him up. Justin held him close, kissing Josh’s forehead before carrying him up the stairs. He undressed both of them and hugged Josh to him.

“‘M so sowwy,” Josh slurred as he snuggled against Justin who smiled sadly, kissed him on the lips again before settling down to go to sleep together.

“I know.”

Only he knew it would be the last time.

When Josh blinked and opened his eyes again it was late into the afternoon. He felt groggy, but sleep had done him well. His hands reached out blindly for Justin, but he wasn’t there. Josh raised his head, wondering why his headache was so mild, before flashes of waking up earlier, rushing to the bathroom to throw up, Justin helping him back to bed and handing him some aspirin went through his mind.

Wondering where Justin was, he sat up slowly and left the bed. Pulling a pair of sweatpants and a simple t-shirt out of his closet, he put them on before he patted down the stairs and went in search of Justin. He wasn’t in the kitchen like he’d expected, instead he found Justin in the living room, sitting on the couch, waiting. Josh carefully walked in, stumbling when he saw the suitcase next to him. Justin saw him staring and lowered his head.

“Justin?” Josh breathed, as he sank down onto the couch next to him. Fidgeting with his hands, nervously wondering if he should put one on Justin’s knee to gain his attention, but Justin turned his head slowly, facing Josh. However before Justin had the opportunity so say anything, Josh beat him to it.

“Oh Justin, I’m so sorry for what I said last night. I know you tried the best you could. We both did, I’m sorry, please forgive me.”

Justin smiled softly in reassurance, nodding, “I know, Josh and I do. I do forgive you. I’m sorry too for what I said, I know you’re just trying to help.” Justin said, staring into Josh’s eyes.

He sighed, “God, I love you.”

Josh broke down in tears, “I love you too! Please don’t go, we can try again, it can be a clean start, please Justin.” Josh begged, slumping against Justin. Forgetting everything except that he didn’t want to let Justin walk out of his life.

But Justin shook his head, pushed Josh back gently. “I have to, Josh.”

Josh looked up at Justin through teary eyes, “But why?”

Justin met Josh’s eyes before looking at his hands as he confessed, “I messed up, again, Josh. After our fight.” Josh’s mouth opened in shock, though maybe he’d already known.

“I know I’ll just keep doing it. I could promise you I won’t, and we could pretend everything is fine and that we’re happy and doing well but we both know that’s not the case and we’ll both wait for me to screw up again. Because I will. I just can’t stop it. No matter how desperately I want to.”

Josh wanted to argue, wanted to say he was wrong. But he wasn’t. Justin was right. And they both knew it. As Justin saw how realization and acceptance slowly washed over Josh’s face, Justin couldn’t hold back his tears. He brought his hands up to cup Josh’s face and struggled to remember the speech he’d prepared as he’d watched Josh during the night, free of worry, asleep in his arms. Nothing came to him and so instead he opened his mouth and spoke from his heart as tears fell silently from his eyes.

“I know I failed you, Josh. Over and over again. I hurt you. I hurt myself. I hurt us. I promised I wouldn’t steal again. But I did. We just… can’t live like this anymore. I can’t do that to you.”

Josh burst into tears, his head dropping into his hands while Justin’s hands still cupped his cheeks. Justin leaned forward, resting his head on Josh’s and letting his own tears slip out. And they sat like that for a few minutes, realization sinking in for both of them. Justin sniffed as his tears subsided slowly and he pulled back, raising Josh’s head at the same time to get his attention.

“I need help, Josh.” Justin said softly, for the first time in his life willing to admit that he could not do this by himself. It was a huge step for him and Josh had made him realize it. For that, Justin would be forever grateful.

Josh let his hands drop and looked into Justin’s eyes, “But I can…” Josh began on impulse, promising to help, promising to make it better, but his heart broke as Justin shook his head.

“I wish you could, but you can’t, Josh. You shouldn’t.”

“But I want to.” Josh protested weakly.

“I know, baby, but you shouldn’t sacrifice yourself for me. Besides I need to do this by myself.” Josh swallowed hard, tears continuously streaming down his cheeks.

“I need to figure out why I keep doing it, need to find out why I need to steal to make me feel good. What caused it and more importantly how to stop it.”

“So… this is it?” Josh asked, flabbergasted, because after all the times he’d thought of ending the relationship, all the times he’d feared they’d break up, he’d never thought it would actually happen. And especially not like this. He’d had hope, every time that they could make it work, his love for Justin so strong that he couldn’t see them not being together. But it wasn’t enough. The realization shattered his heart into a million pieces. Justin no longer in his bed, the two of them no longer sharing their meals together, watching a movie or sharing stories about their day. Justin no longer in his home.

“Can I still call you?” Josh asked, hating the desperate tone of his voice. Knowing he shouldn’t if they weren’t together anymore, but unable to imagine his life without Justin in it.

“I… I… I think it’s better if you don’t.” Justin answered, though it hurt him to say it. At the stricken and hurt look he saw on Josh’s face, he quickly explained, “I want you to, Josh, but… I need to do this by myself and if I hear your voice… I might give in and forget about all of it to be with you.”

“What’s so bad about that?” Josh asked pitiful.

“Josh, whatever urges me to steal is keeping us apart. I need to work through my own problems before there can be an us or I’ll just continue to hurt you.”

“But how long?”

Justin sighed, a small smile, “I don’t know,”

“But I can wait for you.” Josh offered. He would for as long as it took.

Justin shook his head, “Don’t promise me that Josh, though I wish I could be selfish and agree... but you shouldn’t. I can’t ask you to wait around for me, after all that’s happened I can’t ask and don’t want you to put your life on hold for me.”

“But...” Josh began again, protesting against their separation.

Justin cut him off, “Josh, no.”

He took Josh’s hands in his own and lowered his voice, his eyes shimmering with tears as he said, “We have to let go of each other, we both need a break to find ourselves again and we need to do it separately.” Josh sniffled, nodding though his heart was yelling to stop. Because this wasn’t right.

“I know,” he finally admitted, his head speaking, “But I don’t want it to end this way.”

“Me neither, but it will be better... for the both of us.”

Josh nodded again, though he couldn’t really imagine how a life without Justin would be better. He knew though in his head that if they continued the way they had this past year, it would eventually destroy them both.

Josh bent forward, seeking Justin’s embrace, needing to feel those strong arms around him again, one last time. Justin opened his arms to embrace Josh as the man leaned forward. Josh buried his face in the crook of Justin’s neck and inhaled his scent, tightening his arms around Justin’s back as he felt Justin’s arms go around his shoulders. They clung to each other desperately. Unmoving for minutes long until Justin shuddered as he let out a deep breath.

He sat up and moved to pull back. Josh felt himself panic as Justin was pulling away from him, but he didn’t try to hold on to him knowing instead that this was the smartest thing they could do. Justin’s hand cupped Josh’s cheek and moved further to the nape of his neck, drawing Josh closer for a last kiss. A deep, compassionate goodbye kiss. Josh’s arms dropped to Justin’s hips as he pulled himself closer again, their tongues made love as their lips locked.

They only let go to draw in a breath and when they did they were both dazed, opening their eyes slowly to stare at each other. Their love for one another was obvious, but it wasn’t enough. Justin swallowed hard as his tears started anew, he leaned forward for a few quick short kisses, another long one and then he pulled back completely. He stood quickly to prevent them from giving in to temptation and instead picked up Josh’s hand. He brought the hand up to his lips, smiled sadly as he looked at the ring on Josh’s index finger and swiped at his eyes. Kissing the back of Josh’s hand he inhaled a deep breath, Josh’s scent filling his nose and another tear slipped. He forced himself to let go, reaching to the side instead to lift his suitcase off the floor.

He turned back to Josh who was still sitting on the couch, looking at him. Justin met his eyes, whispering sadly and meaningful, “Goodbye, Josh,”

“Bye, Justin,” Josh said softly, his eyes lingering on Justin for as long as possible.

Lowering his head and therefore breaking eye contact, Justin walked slowly to the door that connected the living room to the hallway. His hand on the doorknob, he cast one last glance at the man that he’d been lucky enough to be able to call his and the house they’d shared for almost a year.

“I love you, take care of yourself.”

Josh was barely able to choke the words out, “You too.”

Tears blurred his vision but he heard the door open, the sound of Justin walking away fading. Still, Josh couldn’t help the gleam of hope that Justin might have changed his mind as he didn’t hear the front door open, but his hope was shattered only moments later. The sound of the lock being unlatched, a thud from a suitcase that contacted shortly with the doorframe, followed by the soft click as the front door closed on Justin’s departure. All that remained was silence. Justin was gone.