I felt ashamed to have thought the worst, luckily I’d jumped to the wrong conclusion. However I wasn’t wrong the next time. It couldn’t be a mistake. When he called.

“Josh?”

Justin’s voice sounded absolutely miserable over the phone and Josh’s heart sank, his right hand clenched into a fist, his thumb reaching for the ring Justin had given him months ago. It had represented Josh’s or really their hope for a better trouble free future. Where in they would be happy, where in Justin wouldn’t steal again, where in he would keep his promise and tell Josh when he felt the urge to steal.

“Justin?” Josh choked on his lover’s name, knowing in his gut that whatever Justin was going to say was not what he wanted to hear.

“Can you… can you come and…” Josh heard him take a huge gulp of air before finishing his sentence, “Pick me up?”

“Pick… pick you up where?” Josh asked, his eyes closed.

“P’licestation,” the word was soft but hastily spoken.

“What?” He heard Justin sigh, but he honestly hadn’t heard it.

“The police station.” Justin repeated, clearer and this time Josh definitely heard it. He let out a heavy sigh and slumped against the wall.

“Josh?” Justin asked carefully as a few moments of silence passed. Afraid he’d hang up on him.

“I’m on my way,” Josh said curtly before hanging up.

Justin replaced the phone and slumped against the wall. He’d really screwed up this time. Josh would never talk to him again. After he was lead to a holding cell he dropped down into a seat, he hid his face in his hands and fought hard against the tears, reminding himself over and over again that breaking down in jail was a very bad idea. It was hard though, because he could still hear the hurt in Josh’s voice, the trepidation when Josh asked where he was and the shortness when Josh told him he’d come.

Honestly, Justin hadn’t wanted to call Josh because he knew it would break his heart. But he had no one else he could call and even though it would break his lover’s heart, it would destroy him if he found out Justin hadn’t called him at all.

So he’d taken a deep breath as he picked up the phone, closed his eyes as he dialed the familiar number and held his breath until Josh picked up. Justin wasn’t completely sure Josh would show up. He wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t, but Josh wouldn’t leave him here. Josh was reliable, he was trustworthy and he kept his word. Josh was everything that he wasn’t. He didn’t deserve him. And he finally lost the battle against his tears.

Josh hadn’t said a word to him yet. His lover hadn’t even acknowledged him as he was brought out and Josh had been quiet during the ride home as well. Justin followed Josh as they went inside, like a child that needed to be reprimanded, who was going to get the biggest lecture of his young life.

Josh dropped his keys on the table in the hallway and went straight for the liquor, stashed away in one of the kitchen cabinets. Justin looked on in horror as Josh filled a glass nearly all the way with JD and washed it down quickly. His eyes screwed shut as the liquid rapidly burned down his throat. The coughing fit he went into after slamming the empty glass on the table, underlined the fact that Josh hardly ever drank strong liquor. Beer, he loved, but he hardly ever washed down a full glass of JD in one go.

Justin felt his stomach turn at the realization that he was the cause of this. Josh stood with his hands flat on the table, bend over and his head hung low, breathing hard. He continued to ignore Justin and Justin didn’t dare say anything either. This Josh scared him.

Justin startled as Josh straightened himself and filled the glass again. He dropped into a seat and gulped down his drink. Justin remained by the entry way, still uncertain of what to do. When Josh began on the fourth glass of JD, Justin stepped forward and took it away from him.

“No, Josh, stop.”

Josh shot him the mother of all glares and the saying if looks could kill never seemed more appropriate. “Give it back,” he ordered, his voice dangerously low.

Despite the fact that he was trembling, Justin stood his ground and shook his head, “No.” Scared shitless he waited for Josh’s next move.

“Give me my drink, Justin.” Josh repeated, same tone, but Justin didn’t budge.

“No, you’re angry with me…” Justin said meeting Josh's eyes and seeing the intense anger behind them.

“Fine, furious with me, I get it,” he amended.

“But don’t hurt yourself. You cannot handle liquor.”

“Don’t tell me what I cannot handle.” Josh warned.

“Do you know what I cannot handle?” Josh began, far passed being tipsy. Justin said nothing, he had a fair idea where Josh was going with this.

“What I cannot handle is thinking I know you only to find out that you’re a thief!”

“What I cannot handle is you breaking the promise to tell me when you feel the urge to steal time after time.”

“What I cannot handle is living in fear everyday, wondering when you’ll screw up again.”

“What I cannot handle is thinking we are doing okay only for you to tell me you screwed up again.”

“What I cannot handle is having hope of this working out between us only to have the rug pulled out from underneath us over and over again.”

“What I cannot handle is when I want to surprise you with a romantic dinner, because that’s what you do for me when I’m having a bad week, you go on and call from the POLICE STATION!”

“That’s what I fucking can’t handle, Justin!” he yelled.

“I cannot handle any of this anymore!”

“I just can’t.” he added softer and then collapsed into sobs. His head in his hands as he dropped his elbows onto the table. His shoulders shook with heart wrenching sobs. Justin’s own tears tracking softly down his cheeks as he still stood next to Josh, the half finished drink in his right hand while looking down at the only man who’d ever loved him and believed in him.

It took him a few moments to force himself to move. Setting the drink on the table he sank onto his knees, so similar to a few months ago, when Josh had given him yet another chance. He gently pulled on Josh’s arms before wrapping his own arms tightly around Josh’s frame. Josh was reluctant, Justin felt the tension in Josh’s body, but he was persistent. He wasn’t going to let go of Josh, until he was pushed away. Josh didn’t though, resisting cost too much energy and he just needed someone to hold him. There was no better feeling than having Justin’s strong arms around him and the fight soon went out. He slumped into Justin’s embrace as his sobs continued just the same.

Justin had no idea how long they sat there but he knew he never wanted to move. He was holding the love of his life in his arms and he never wanted to let go.

Gradually though Josh’s sobs dwindled to sniffles and with a voice filled with tears, cracked from crying he whispered, “No more Justin, please,” Josh begged. “I can’t take it anymore.”

Justin sat frozen, unable to speak. He’d been too scared to hope for Josh’s forgiveness, but he craved it and when Josh had accepted his comfort it’d given him a gleam of hope. Now he wasn’t sure anymore, one way or the other. He was too scared to ask though. Josh's breath hitched several times before he was able to compose himself enough to speak while Justin still held onto him for dear life.

“But I love you so damn much, I can’t walk away.”

“Josh?” Karen addressed her son as they were having a drink together. Roy working late. Josh had been quiet during his entire visit, only making small talk and answering all of her questions with short answers. Josh met his mother’s concerned gaze.

“Is something wrong?”

Dammit, his mother knew him too well. He could feel the tears start and he swallowed hard to force them away. Shaking his head, he lied, “No.”

Karen lifted an eyebrow, “No?” Josh lowered his gaze, she knew when he was lying, he’d always been the worst liar.

“Yes.” he admitted, biting his lower lip hard. Karen set her drink on the table and moved to the couch where Josh was sitting. She sat close, but left some space between them.

“What is it?” she asked gently, a sympathetic note to her voice. Josh squeezed his eyes shut, a few tears slipping out.

“Justin,” he breathed.

Karen closed her eyes, not again. That boy had caused so much misery to her son’s life. Karen couldn’t bear to see him get hurt and for the past year she’d seen him miserable so often and all because of Justin. Karen wished Josh would see that too. Instead of telling him what she thought she asked, “What happened?”

“He was arrested a few days ago.”

Karen couldn’t stop the gasp from escaping.

“For stealing.”

A bitter laugh, “For a change.”

“Oh, Josh,” Karen sympathized, wrapping an arm around her son’s shoulders. Josh leaned into the touch, resting his head on her shoulder and sighing contently for the affection. She stroked his hair soothingly while her mind was reeling.

“Josh,” she said after a few minutes, “I think you have to let him go.”

Josh sat up abruptly. “I can’t.”

“But you have to!” she insisted. Josh shook his head, tears shimmering in his eyes.

“It’ll destroy him, I can’t let him go. I love him.”

“You are destroying yourself!” she exclaimed, couldn’t he see that? This wasn’t healthy for either of them.

“I don’t care.” Josh said stubbornly.

Karen sighed. “Love shouldn’t destroy you.”

“Love shouldn’t be so damn hard!” Josh yelled. Anger filling him completely, but as he looked at his mother, he saw the pity, the sadness and he felt the anger drain away. Hopelessness took over quickly and he slumped back against the couch, hiding his face in his hands while the first tears spilled over. The tears gathered in streams and the streams rapidly gathered in rivers, waterfalling down his cheeks. Arms wrapped around him tightly and drew him in, he sobbed loudly, wondering if he’d ever be able to stop.

“I love him so much, mom,” he whispered, after some time.

Karen rocked him slightly and shushed him, “I know, baby, I know.” Though she didn’t say what she was really thinking: that sometimes love alone just isn’t enough.

“I forgive you.” Soft words in the dark as they lay in bed together. Justin’s eyes opened at once. He’d been on the verge of sleep, however he was wide awake now.

Josh hadn’t said anything about it after his breakdown. He’d pulled back after his cries had subsided, stood and walked away, leaving Justin in the dark. Justin hadn’t dared to ask, afraid of rejection. In the days that followed Josh hadn’t said a word about that he forgave him, but he hadn’t broken it off either. They’d kind of been in between. And it had caused both of them to continuously walk on egg shells.

“Justin?” Josh whispered, wondering if he’d heard him as he got no response. Justin couldn’t speak, but forced himself to, because maybe Josh would change his mind and wouldn’t say it again.

“Y…yes,” he replied hastily.

“Did you hear me?” Josh asked quietly.

Justin nodded before he realized Josh couldn’t see him, “Yes,” he answered softly, “I heard you.”

Josh shifted, Justin thought he was going to sleep now, but instead the room was flooded in a soft light and Justin shut his eyes quickly. Blinking a few times until he was able to keep them open, he turned onto his side and faced Josh.

“And?” Josh asked, but Justin didn’t know what he wanted to hear.

“And what?” he asked as they both lay on their sides, facing each other.

“What do you think?” Josh elaborated.

Justin ducked his head, understanding now what Josh was asking of him, “I don’t know, I just… can’t believe it.”

“I can’t believe you’d forgive me… again. I hoped you would, but I didn’t want to hope for it, because I hurt you, I broke my promise again and I can’t even forgive myself, why would you?”

“I love you.”

Justin smiled. “I love you too.”

They kissed, a quick peck on the lips, both wishing it could only be that simple.