“Alright Andy, we’re leaving now. We’ll be back around 1, make sure Justin goes to bed at 8. The phone number where we’ll be is by the phone”

“K, dad” Andy nodded.

“Bye” their parents waved before going to the front door. Andy walked with them and shut the door behind them, locking it carefully before he sat back on the couch till he heard the engine of the car fade away. He reached for the phone to his right and quickly dialed a familiar number.

“Alright, coast is clear” he said into the phone before he hung right back up. Justin glanced from the TV to his brother with a questioning look on his face,

“Who did you call?”

“None of your business” Andy simply told his nine years younger brother before he got up and walked towards the hallway to get his shoes. He sat back on the couch once he’d retrieved his shoes and pulled them on. Justin silently stared at his brother, wondering what he was up to, wanting to ask where he was going.

“You’re gonna leave me all by myself?” Justin asked fearful. It was already dark outside and he still wasn’t a big fan of the dark. Tony and Peter were both staying with a friend but seven year old Justin wasn’t that much of a social boy. He was pretty shy and his brother’s rejections hadn’t done much good to his self esteem, thinking no one ever wanted to play with him he was content to play with the imaginary friends, his stuffed animals and the Barbie’s at school. It was safer for his feelings and he was used to play by himself. Now that his parents were visiting friends they’d left Justin with Andy and the prospect of staying behind alone terrified little Justin.

“Get over yourself” Andy scolded.

“You’re old enough to take care of yourself and you’re definitely old enough to stop being afraid of the dark” Andy told his younger brother without even blinking.

Justin swallowed hard; he didn’t want to appear to be a wuss if he said he still was afraid of the dark.

Wouldn’t that be great teasing material for his brothers?

So he didn’t argue on his brother’s statement although Andy already saw by the look on his brother’s face that he was still afraid of the dark. Well tough he thought. He will just have to learn to live with that, he’s not going to ruin my chance to go out! He got up and shrugged into his jacket.

“Lock the door, don’t open the door to anyone, go to bed at 8 and not a word to mom and dad, understand?” Andy told him fiercely. Justin was now propped up on his knees on the couch as he listened to his brother instructions. He nodded frantically, afraid to anger his oldest brother.

“Good, don’t forget that” Andy reminded him with a glare that sent shivers down Justin’s spine. He heard honking outside and Andy quickly turned, grabbed his keys and with a glare he was out the door. Justin padded towards the window, watching as his brother got in a car that sped off moments later. Justin watched for a while till he could no longer see the car, only then did he slowly turn around and look around the room. He walked back towards the couch, firmly grasped his teddy bear with the idea that at least he would keep him safe…

“It wasn’t that bad!”

Justin heard his mother’s voice at the front door and curled himself into a ball on the couch.

“Yes it was, why do we even go to these people? They always think their better than us”

He heard his father’s angry voice from the porch and he tightly closed his eyes to pretend he was asleep. He heard his mother sigh and then the lock flipped and the door swung open. They stepped into the hallway and after a few moments he heard footsteps in the living room. His mother poked her head over the couch and saw her youngest curled up on the couch, also noting he was pretending to be asleep.

“Justin?” she prodded to give him an excuse to wake up.

“Wake up, baby” she said gently, walking around the couch to sit down in front of him. Justin heard the soothing, gently voice but he didn’t want to open his eyes, scared he would get in trouble or worse that Andy would get in trouble since he was still not back yet. After another encouragement from his mother to get him to wake up he reluctantly opened his eyes and tried his best to pretend he just woke up and was still sleepy from getting pulled out of his sleep.

“Where is your brother?” she asked immediately, a little bit concerned as she scanned the room and also noted she didn’t hear anything coming from upstairs where his room was. Although she knew he wouldn’t be up there; he knew better than to leave his brother alone downstairs. Justin yawned as an escape but his mother’s features hardened when she noticed he was avoiding the question.

“Justin” she warned. He closed his mouth immediately realizing his yawn didn’t look convincing.

“Where is your brother, Justin?” his mother asked sternly.

Justin didn’t answer; Andy had told him not to say anything but his mother seemed pretty angry with him already and he hadn’t even done anything!

“I… I… he… he…” Justin stuttered, not wanting to get Andy into trouble but at the same time trying to avoid getting in trouble himself. His mother raised her eyebrows and he sighed defeated.

“He told me not to tell” he whined, hoping she would let it go now but he knew it hadn’t been the smartest answer when his mother’s eyes clouded with anger.

“What could you not tell?” his mother insisted. Justin tried to stall as long as possible but eventually had to give in, he opened his mouth to answer but the front door opening cut him off. His mother stood and reached Andy in three steps.

“Where did you go?” she asked angrily. Andy looked over her shoulder towards Justin who quickly averted his eyes when he noticed Andy glaring at him.

“I… um… I went… to … um” he stuttered trying to think of something he could get away with but he couldn’t think of anything. It was only 11.30 pm and he’d planned to be home long before his parents; now here they were. How could that be?

“Don’t lie to me young man” his mother told him sternly.

“I went out with Robert” he softly admitted.

“You were supposed to watch your brother!” his mother yelled.

“I know, I’m sorry” Andy said softly.

“That’s not good enough Andy, what if something had happened?!” she exclaimed.

“What is going on here?” his father asked, making his appearance after he’d gone upstairs to change into something more comfortable.

“Andy left Justin here all by himself to go out with a friend” his mother informed him.

“You did what?!” his father asked, his voice rising with anger while Justin just curled himself into a tighter ball. Afraid of the loud voices and the anger directed towards his brother.

“I’m sorry” Andy said quickly almost frantically.

“You should be!” his father yelled, “Dear you go upstairs I’ll handle this” he addressed his wife who nodded in response, shooting a glare in Andy’s direction before walking up the stairs.

Justin slowly got up, hoping he could disappear before his father would explode but his father caught his movement.

“You stay right there”

He bend Andy over his knee, angry as hell he brought his right hand forcefully on his son’s behind making him stifle a scream. Justin was forced to watch, as he sat on the couch with his knees drawn up to his chest and the tears streaming down his face. Andy would be mad at him forever and an eternity after that he thought miserably as he caught Andy’s hard glare. After the fifth struck, Andy couldn’t contain his screams any longer and Justin cringed, he quickly put his little hands over his ears to ward off the screams but they reached his ears nevertheless. He just prayed it would be over soon.

“You tattled” Andy stated as he limped inside the room of his two younger brothers the next afternoon. Tony quickly made his exit, having heard what happened in the night he’d gone off to a friend and now he understood Andy wouldn’t exactly be friendly with Justin. Not wanting to be apart of that he quickly disappeared leaving Justin behind scared shitless and Andy angry as never before. Justin dropped his favorite Barbie he’d been playing with and fearfully glanced up at his brother, trying to judge what he was going to do.

“I didn’t tell mom and dad, I swear” Justin whispered carefully, eyeing his brother to show him he was telling the truth.

“Didn’t I tell you not to tell mom and dad and be in bed by 8?” Andy asked him almost calmly.

Justin nodded, waiting.

“Do you think you need to be punished?” Andy asked after getting the right answer from Justin. Justin eyes widened in fear,

“Andy, I didn’t tell them really I didn’t, I’m sorry” he cried frantically.

Andy nodded once, uncrossing his arms as he started towards the bed. He sat down, suppressed a wince and looked at Justin,

“Come here” he instructed. Justin hesitated, looking from his brother to the floor and back, trying to judge him.

What would he do?

Should I listen to him?

“Come here Justin” Andy repeated fiercer. Justin scurried to his feet and slowly walked towards his brother. He stood in front of him hands grasped together in front of him, biting his bottom lip as his lip quivered in fear. Andy grabbed him harshly and placed him over his left knee before Justin even had the chance to react.

“I think you need to feel what I felt when you ratted me out” Andy told his younger brother as he brought his right hand on Justin’s exposed skin. Justin cried out in pain and tears sprung in his eyes, he squirmed heavily when the second blow hit his behind but the arm firmly wrapped around his waist prevented him from going anywhere. Andy struck him three more times before he released his brother. It hadn’t been as much as he’d gotten from his father but this would get the message to Justin anyway. Justin fell to the floor as the restraining arm fell away and landed on the sore skin of his behind, causing a sting to shoot through his little body.

Andy stood up showingly, making sure Justin was watching as he walked to the door. He turned around, glared at him and without another word he closed the door. Justin curled up into a tight ball on the floor, as best as he could from the stinging pain coming from his behind.

He sobbed openly, asking what he’d done wrong to deserve this?

What he did wrong which made his brothers hate him?

What did he ever do to them? .....

“Can I come with you?” Justin asked hopeful as he saw Peter going to the front door. He jumped up from his spot on the floor and ran towards his older brother, hoping he would say yes.

“This isn’t for babies” Peter told him simply as if that would explain it.

“But Petey I’m almost 11” Justin argued, feeling very old already thinking now that he was past 10 his brother would include him more in their games.

“So? You’re not old enough, just go play with your Barbie’s or something” Peter told him harshly, he was 15, he had no time for his baby brother. Justin’s face fell and the hopeful smile on his face disappeared immediately. Peter turned swiftly and went out the door without a second glance.

Justin stared after him, wishing he could be apart of his brother’s world, just one brother would be enough, just one. His lower lip trembled and he felt the tears well up in his eyes. He swiped an arm under his running nose before turning around. He went back to his Barbie’s, miserably he’d been rejected yet once again. That was another thing his brothers teased him about; he played with girl toys. He liked playing with Barbie’s, it wasn’t that he liked to dress them up and everything, the thing he liked with Barbie’s was that he could create his own little dream world. Fantasize about a world only he would be allowed in and the people that were nice to him and there they would live happily ever after. It was his story, his world. His Barbie’s and stuffed animals where his imaginary family, the family that were nice to him, loved him and made him feel wanted, included him in all the secrets and fun stuff that went on. He picked up his favorite one; it looked a little like him.

“Pete can I come with you?” he asked, moving the Barbie as if it walked and talked, gesturing with the hands before he picked up another one, changing his voice somewhat he said,

“Sure Justin, that would be cool”…

“Sweetie, you really have to stop drinking this isn’t going to solve anything”

“Shut the fuck up! Did I ask you for your opinion?!”

“You have no right to talk to me that way!”

“I have every right, I’m the man of this house!”

“Fuck you!”

Fifteen year old Justin was curled up on the couch, his eyes tightly closed and his hands over his ears to block out the angry screams of his parents. As the door slammed shut, indicating his mother’s departure, he dared to open his eyes, slowly. He glanced around the room and saw his father sitting in his chair; a beer in his hand as he was staring at the TV blankly. He’d been sitting in that chair for a couple of months now.

Always in the same chair, with the same expression in his eyes and the same can of beer in his hands.

That was after his mother had forbid his father to gamble and till Justin’s surprise his father had actually listened. About a year ago his father came home with the angry announcement that he got fired. Justin never found out why but that wasn’t important so he really didn’t bother to ask. His father had started drinking after a couple of weeks of unsuccessful job interviews and it only got worse after that since his father got frustrated and thought it would be a good idea to start gambling. That would get the food back on the table but drinking and gambling was never a good combination and it was proved right. His father lost a lot of money, more than they had. His mother finally put an end to it when the bank came by and demanded to see money. She’d ordered him to stop gambling and he did after she asked,

“Do you want us to end up on the street?!”

That had been the end of his gambling days but it was no where near the end of the gambling debt he’d built up in those short few months. His mother was working a lot to pay off their debts but although his father had caused it he didn’t do shit about it, he just sat in his chair with a beer can in his hand. Andy and Peter had both left the house; going off to college when they were eighteen and Justin was miserably happy to see them leave. It might get better he’d thought hopefully and it did, for about a year.

“What are you looking at?” his father growled taking a swig of his beer. Justin blinked, getting out of his thoughts. He hadn’t even noticed he’d been staring at his father the whole time.

“Get out of here, go do you homework or something” his father instructed sternly and Justin quickly nodded before he scrambled off the couch and ran up the stairs to his bedroom. He plumped down on the bed and grabbed Timmy out from under his pillow and hugged him to his chest; the only safe person in his life.

“Dad?” Justin called cautiously as he stepped inside the house. He could hear loud thuds from outside and was worried what was going on. He dropped his backpack by the stairs and continued into the house.

“Dad?” he called again. Another loud thud and Justin quickly walked into the living room.

Before he could even see what was going on he was met a vicious backhander across the face. It caught him totally off guard and he soon lost his footing and fell to the floor. He was sprawled out in front of his father who stood over him. Justin brought his hand up to cup his face as he stared into the flaring eyes of his father. He kicked him in the stomach and Justin doubled over in pain. He was still in shock it was his father who had struck him. He looked up fearfully, finally noticing the true look in his eyes; he was drunk. He was wasted and didn’t know what he was doing.

“Dad” Justin softly called, the pain in his stomach making it hard to call out louder but it was no use. His father landed another kick in his already painful abdomen and he stifled a scream.

“Dad” he tried again, cringing from the pain as he did so, hoping to make him see that he was hitting his own son but he couldn’t get through. The haze of his drunken and furious state clouding his mind. Justin curled into a fetal position to ward off the punches and kicks to the best of his ability.

Several bruises later the kicks and punches suddenly stopped, Justin slowly dared to bring his head up, out of his safe place and glanced around the room. He saw his father sprawled out next to him; passed out from the toxic alcohol.

Justin breathed a sigh of relief and slowly sat up, wincing at the sting in his back, stomach and the pain that shot through his ribs. He bit his lip to stifle his scream and slowly pushed himself up. He glanced back at his father, shocked what he’d done to him. And now he was afraid since his mother was still at work, would be for quite some time and Tony had moved out a couple of months earlier. He said he wanted to get used to his new situation but they all knew he wanted to escape what his family life had turned into. Justin was left alone with his mom and dad and with his mother working almost 24/7 he was really alone with his father who seemed to have thought he would make a good punching back. Justin scurried to his room and curled into a ball on his bed, praying his dad would stay out of it; at least till his mother came home…

“You’re useless!”

“Piece of shit!”

“It’s all your fault”

“Stupid baby”

His dad hurled the insults as he accentuated each word with a painful punch or kick. Justin cringed as the words reached his ears all the while trying to twist away from his father’s abusive feet and fists.

“Please” he whispered softly, hoping he could get through to him. But just like the last six months it didn’t work, it never worked. He would punch his son till he passed out, Justin would disappear to his room and the next day they both pretended it never happened, just like the first time. He thought it showed the way he limped sometimes or how he was always hugging himself to regain some sort of safety for himself. But his mother was too busy to notice and his dad too drunk to care. As the punches ceased Justin knew it wouldn’t be long till his dad would pass out. He only had to wait a couple of minutes before the house was dead quiet again. The whooshing of the punches and the sound of boots hitting flesh were now replaced by a deafening silence.

Justin slowly sat up and pushed himself off of the floor; he couldn’t bear the silence, he had to get away from his father. He limped upstairs; it had been bad this time. He carefully eased himself on his bed and somehow managed to lie down onto his side, it stung in protest but he ignored it. He grabbed Timmy and hugged him to his chest, letting the tears fall freely. He sobbed into his only friend, making unrecognizable sounds as he let the emotions overwhelm him.

After ten minutes he wore himself out and all that was left where little hiccups. He pulled Timmy away from his chest and into his line of sight. He stared at the teddy bear, letting his eyes travel over the still soft light brown fur, the black eyes and the round ears on his head. He used to talk for hours to Timmy, discussing his problems and letting him in on his deepest darkest secrets, the secrets he’d never been able to share with anyone else. Although Timmy had never really answered, he had in Justin’s memories; Timmy had always been there for him and he had helped him. He knew it was silly but he had to let it out; one thought that kept haunting him.

“Am I really useless Timmy?”…

“Mom, I’m gay”

There he said it, he held his breath waiting for her reaction hoping he’d made the right decision to tell her. She gasped but didn’t say anything. Justin had told her separately from his father because he wasn’t sure of his reaction. Actually he was afraid of his reaction and by telling his mom he at least had some sort of feeling that he could be more himself; at least around her.

“Mom?” Justin tried tentatively. She blinked,

“Oh my…” she gasped.

“Please don’t be mad” he whispered softly, feeling more like a six year old than his eighteen years of age.

“I… I’m not mad” she said softly but reassuringly and Justin let out a breath of relief. He hugged her close to his chest, thanking God for her support.

“Thank you mom” he said softly before kissing her cheek.

“Dad?” Justin asked carefully as he stepped towards him. It had been a couple of months since he’d told his mother he was gay and she’d pressed him to tell his father as well but Justin was hesitant. He was fearful of his reaction and had stalled it for as long as possible. Well that was up until today; his mother had told him she would like it if he told his father. She hated being in the middle and keeping secrets from him. So Justin had no choice but to say yes to her request; he would tell his father.

“Yeah boy?” his father asked him, not unkindly but you couldn’t call it friendly either. Justin had picked an early hour, hoping he wouldn’t be drunk yet and that that would save him from an outburst or a beating, or both.

“I… um… can I talk to you for a second?” he asked tentatively as he sank to a seat on the couch. His father nodded questionably. Justin took in a sharp breath, building up the courage to tell his father he was gay.

“I’ve got something to tell you” he started slowly, hoping the courage would build in his stalling. He paused for a second then breathed,

“I’m gay”

His father sat stunned, shocked, astonished.

“You’re what?!” he boomed as he jumped out of his chair and pounded towards his son who cowered back in reflex.

“You’re a fag?!” his father yelled at him as he grabbed him by the shirt, hauling him up so they were face to face.

“You’re a fag?!” he repeated as he threw him against the closet. Justin stumbled over his feet and flew against the closet before falling down to the floor in a heap.

“What the hell are you still doing in my house?!” he yelled at his son as he kicked him in the stomach. Justin curled himself into a ball to protect himself from the kicks but was unsuccessful.

“Please” he breathed, cringing at the words and the pain.

“You fucking faggot, get out of my house!!” he yelled as he grabbed his son harshly and hauled him up, pushing him out ahead of him to the door. Justin landed against the doorway and held on tight, seeing he was close to the drawer he reached out and fell for the gun he’d put there a couple of months ago. The beatings got more frequently and painful, he hadn’t felt safe anymore and he didn’t know why but someday after school he just walked to a gun shop and bought one. He’d had the feeling there would come a time when he needed to protect himself and felt that time was now. He gripped the gun and listened as his father approached on him. He quickly tugged the gun in the waistband of his pants before anticipating another punch or kick. He was grabbed roughly and pushed towards the door.

“You are a disgrace to this family. You fucking get out and don’t ever come back!!” he yelled pushing his son with each word.

“What is going on?” Justin heard his mother’s voice calling out tentatively but she was ignored. His father opened the front door and pushed him once again. Justin stumbled over his feet, stopping only a few feet from his father. The first time he could look into his eyes, the rage he saw terrified him. His eyes were flaring and Justin instinctively stumbled backwards.

“You’ll never set foot in this house again or this town. If you don’t leave town within ten minutes I’ll come after you and you will really understand what pain is” he finished, glaring at his son before he slammed the door in his face. Justin knew his father had meant what he said, the glaring and the rage in his eyes told him that and he hadn’t even been drinking that much today. He turned quickly and started running, having no idea where to go. He was frantic to get out of town, terrified of his father and his threats he would follow through on.

He ran out of his street, debating his options; hitchhiking?

No that would take to long, he had to get out of town in ten minutes!

The train or the buss?

Not an option either, he had no money whatsoever. Not a dollar and without that it would be impossible.

Could he borrow some money?

No, again not an option since he hardly knew anybody.

At least anyone he liked and was close to, someone he could borrow some money from. He didn’t have that many friends in town, actually he had none. Nobody he could ask for cash on such a short notice. He wouldn’t even have time to get it.

What were his options?

He was all out of options!

Suddenly the small shop by the gas station came into view and he ran towards it, seeing a chance to get some quick money and split. But it all didn’t go the way he’d planned, in those short few seconds the whole thing escalated and a few minutes later he was left running for his freedom. He ran and ran further away from the small shop he’d just robbed, the few bucks he’d managed to get stuffed in his right pocket and the gun still in his hand. After a couple of blocks a car came into view and Justin sped towards it.

That was his way out!

He opened the passenger side door and got in. He met a driver with a confused look on his face but before he could ask anything he pulled the gun into view.