“How did you get a child?” Justin asked curiously once they were back on the road, proceeding their journey to Los Angeles. He’d been meaning to ask but wasn’t sure if he should, it wasn’t really any of his business but his curiosity once again got the best of him and he dared to ask.
“I had sex” Josh replied dryly but a small smile tugged at his lips at his own joke. Justin smiled too, thinking how cute it was as Josh laughed at his own joke. He would have thought it was dorky from a lot of people but not from Josh.
“No, I’m sorry” Josh said several moments later when his laughter died down.
“You didn’t have sex” Justin asked mischievously with a twinkle in his eye.
“Wise guy” Josh scolded playfully.
“No really how did you get a child. Since your… um… well…”
“Gay?” Josh finished for him, seeing the uncertainty in Justin’s eyes. Maybe Josh wasn’t gay, just led him into believing that he was to get on his good side, to get him to trust him.
Justin nodded, confirming that that had been his question.
“It was an accident”…
“I slept with someone else” Jeff told him and it didn’t even look like he was sorry. Josh’s knees almost gave way when the words reached his ears. Jeff stood there so calmly as if he was telling him he spilled something, as if he forgot to put a stamp on a letter, as if… as if he didn’t care.
Josh felt the tears well up and gasped for air as the words took away all the air in his lungs. He felt his throat constrict and pain shoot through his heart.
Was this guy the same one as he’d met almost two years ago?
The one that had made him see that being gay wasn’t bad.
The one who’d comforted him after he fled away from his parents?
The one that had loved him like no one ever had.
The one he couldn’t stop thinking about even after almost 2 years of being together.
The one he loved with all his heart.
The one he trusted his life with.
Was this not the same guy?
“Wha…?” Josh croaked through his tears.
“I’m sorry Josh, we can’t be together anymore, I’m sorry” Jeff told him, there was a shimmer of regret, Josh barely saw it and it disappeared soon after. Jeff turned and walked away, out of his life but not out of his heart. Josh dropped to the floor, his hands supporting his head, his tears running freely, his head pounding and his heart weighing heavily in his chest. He cried hysterically in his little apartment, the sobs echoing off the walls. He looked up through his blurry eyes, his eyes roaming through the room.
All the memories suddenly became too much; the right wall with the picture frames reminding him off happy times, the couch where they’d spend many nights together, the kitchen table where they’d ate breakfast together after a night filled with love, the whole room screamed Jeff and he had to get out of there, now! He pushed himself up, grabbed his keys and ran out the door. He ran for the first few blocks but soon the energy to run disappeared and he slowed to a stop. He stood there in the middle of the sidewalk with a blank expression in his eyes, having no clue where he was or who passed by. After quite some time he started walking again, slowly this time, the cold forcing him to keep moving. He walked and walked for hours on end, darkness embraced him but he kept walking.
It was late at night when his feet started to protest, he couldn’t walk anymore, he looked up and saw all kinds of people passing him by. Ready for their night out, it hadn’t been long when he was one of them, ready to go out and have a good time with his… boyfriend. A few tears slid down his cheeks as he let the memories roll by. He shook his head; he didn’t want to think about that, he didn’t know if his heart could take it, he knew his mind couldn’t.
Red nylon letters called to him from across the street and he made his way towards it. A nice warm place where he could hide, let his feet rest and loose himself. He entered the club and headed straight for the bar area.
He ordered his first whiskey, knowing it wouldn’t be the last, and plumped down on a stool.
Several whiskeys later, more than he could count, he started feeling better, his heart felt lighter and his mind was numb. The best state he could be in right now. He looked around a little, the first time he looked up from his glass and let his eyes swivel through the club.
“Another whiskey” he ordered once he turned back.
“Can I have a beer please” a female voice ordered and Josh looked to his left where the voice had came from. The girl met his eyes and gave him a warm smile, he returned it not really knowing what he was doing. She looked him over, flirting with her eyes as she said,
“I’m Audrey”…
Josh woke up with a splitting headache, the sun attacking his still closed eyes and his mouth felt like cotton. An arm was draped over his chest and for a moment he thought it was Jeff but then the happenings of the previous day slowly came back to him. He slowly opened his eyes and saw a lot of hair lying next to him, a lot of blonde hair that was. He brushed it aside and recognized the face that was hidden beneath the hair as the girl he’d met the night before.
Audrey.
Oh shit!
How did I end up here?
In a bed?
In her bed!
…Naked!
Oh fuck!
We didn’t…?
I didn’t…?
Oh no, I did.
How…?
Why…?
Oh no!
He panicked. He sat up after slowly and carefully lifting the arm off of him and slipping out from under the sheets, hoping he wouldn’t wake her up.
He had to get out of here, he had to… go!
Where are my clothes?
He tried desperately to think of where he’d left them but his brain was too clouded from the hangover due to the many, many whiskeys he’d drained the night before. He padded towards the door, opening it, all the while praying she didn’t have any roommates who could be awake at this hour. His clothes where shattered all over the floor and he quickly scurried towards them and pulled them on as quick as he could, stumbling when his foot got caught in the wrong leg of his pants. He managed to get dressed without too much noise, he glanced back at the bedroom, debating to leave a note.
Wasn’t it rude to leave like this?
Well it would be worse to have to tell her he wasn’t into women, so he left.
He left without a second glance.
“Joshua Chasez?” a woman in her early twenties asked when Josh opened the door.
“Yes, that’s me” he confirmed eyeing her curiously.
“Meet your son, Sam” she said bluntly as she brought the infant in a babyseat into view. Josh’s mouth hit the floor, astonished was an understatement as he glanced from the sleeping child to the woman in front of him. Being gay had led him to belief he would never get in a situation like this but he guessed he was wrong. He couldn’t even remember the woman.
“Ex… excuse me?” he stuttered, unable to find words in his shocked state.
“You don’t remember me do you?” she asked knowingly.
Josh looked away, ashamed he couldn’t remember her name, he couldn’t even remember her.
“Last January we met at a club, I’m Audrey. We slept together and the next morning you were gone. Remember?” she asked snidely.
It was as if a flashbulb went on in his head; Audrey.
Audrey the girl he’d had sex with so many months ago.
The girl he’d slept with when Jeff and he broke up.
The night that had been the most miserable night of his life.
The night he’d done something he’d never done before; sleep with a stranger, and a female one that was.
He looked at the child; his son.
He had a son.
“What… how…?” he asked still looking at the peaceful sleeping kid.
“When Sam was born I started looking for you. I remembered your name so…” she explained with a shrug as if it all didn’t matter. Josh couldn’t believe it. He didn’t remember him giving her his name. But then again; he didn’t remember that much from that night why would he have remembered this.
That night had been a mistake, he’d slowly pulled himself together after that. Slowly rebuilding his life without Jeff in it and it had been hard at first but he’d managed to live without him. Build up a life without Jeff in it and although occasionally he still missed him, he was content with the way his life was now.
But it was all about to change…
There he was; in the living room of his apartment with a happily kicking child in front of him, bouncing up and down in his babyseat as he kicked his little feet, sucking on his thumb as he looked at his new surroundings.
Audrey had left Sam with him with the words, “I want Sam to get to know his father. I don’t want him to grow up without one”
Josh had nodded, unable to agree, unable to disagree. And now here they were; Josh was staring at his son but he only vaguely saw him.
This was too weird.
That afternoon he’d spent it taking in the news as best as he could and for the first time he took care of his son as he cried when he was hungry. When he was holding the kid in his arms he kind of got a feel for it.
This was his son.
His son!
“What do you mean, she’s checked out?” Josh asked angrily as he set Sam on the desk in front of him.
“I’m sorry sir, she’s checked out a couple of hours ago. She did ask me to give you this” the hotel receptionist told him.
Josh couldn’t believe what he was hearing; Audrey had given him the address of the hotel she would be staying at throughout this week but now only hours after she’d dropped off Sam she was nowhere to be found. She’d checked herself out without an address or phone number where she could be reached. She did however leave a note for him. He accepted it slowly, this was turning into one weird day.
Josh,
The night we slept together was good but this should never have happened. I’m too young to have a baby and a baby without a commitment is worse. You’re his father you’re responsible for him too. I carried him for 9 months, now it’s your turn to do your job.
Audrey
“Sir are you alright?” a voice cut through his blurry mind. He’d gone pale and his eyes had grown wider with every word he read.
“Huh?” he responded as he looked up from the note with wide eyes.
“Are you alright sir?” the man repeated concerned.
“Oh, uh… yeah I… am… uh fine” he told him not really with it. He lifted the babyseat off of the desk, turned and walked away without a word. He stumbled outside blindly and walked home on autopilot. When he plumped down on the couch, Sam floundering in front of him his thoughts swiveled through his head.
She just left him here.
She wasn’t here so Sam could get to know him.
She was here to drop him off and never come back.
She was here to get rid of her burden.
Now what?
“Mr. Chasez, Sam is your son” the doctor informed him with a smile. Josh smiled back weakly, he really was his son. He really was someone’s father. Someone depended on him. He was responsible for this little kid, really responsible.
He’d found out a lot during the last couple of weeks. When it really got through to him that Audrey wouldn’t return to take Sam with her he took some action. The first one had been; go to the doctor and ask for a paternity test because although he did remember her it didn’t mean Sam was really his. She could have just went from man to man she’d slept with in that period of time to get rid of the kid which obviously didn’t fit in her schedule. But now it came out positive, Sam was his son and not only that he also discovered that Sam’s official last name was Chasez. It made him believe that this had been her plan all along, he didn’t of course know for exactly how long but at least since he was born since Samuel Joshua Chasez was the name that stood on his birth certificate. It made him wonder why she even kept him if the child was so unwanted but he pushed that thought out of his head. Because what did it matter, he had choices to make.
Should he keep Sam or put him up for adoption?
That question was easily answered, he would never turn his back on his son. Although he wasn’t ready for a kid, he would never consider giving him away. Not with his past; he knew how much it hurt when your own parents, your own blood turn your back on you. When he informed his parents he was gay and was dating someone they’d first ignored it but it was soon over as far as family was concerned. They’d turned their backs on him and he remembered how much that had hurt, more than anyone could ever know.
No way was he going to put his own son through that.
No way, so he once again had to rearrange his life. This time around a kid. He’d had much to learn and no support whatsoever. It had been tough but he managed, taking it day by day. He learned something new everyday and he loved Sam more and more with everyday that went by.
“I never heard from her again” he finished, glancing at the boy next to him as he stared back at him with admiring eyes.
“Wow” he breathed. Josh smiled in response. They were both quiet for a while, both lost in their own thoughts.
A soft, “Daddy?” interrupted the silence. Sam who just woke up and needed a break from sitting down for the hours they’d spent talking.
“Hey, sleepyhead” Josh smiled warmly, glancing in the rearview mirror to see his son who was apparently still tired as he yawned.
“I hungry daddy” Sam said in a voice slurred with sleep.
“Aren’t you always kiddo?” Josh replied playfully.
Sam nodded, a small smile tugging at his lips as he stretched his little arms over his head.
“We’ll stop in a little while” Josh told him.
“K” Sam accepted. Josh had already planned to take a break soon and had Justin look up the next small town which was about 25 miles away. Sam settled back in his seat and within seconds he was back asleep, Josh groaned, knowing he would have to wake him up later again. He debated to keep him up now but he dismissed that thought; he looked tired and he was already sleeping so peacefully. Just like his daddy, he added chuckling to himself. It was no wonder the kid was tired; it had been an exhausting vacation.
Didn’t they always say you get more tired from a vacation than from going to work?
Well they were right, especially this time.
Two weeks ago Josh had driven himself and Sam to a little town just outside of Nashville, stopping along the way to visit a few friends from high school. They’d spend about a week traveling and you get most tired from traveling. However he didn’t mind the traveling; he loved it. He and his son together, driving through the country, maybe it had been better to take the plane but then again he hadn’t been able to visit his friends, he wouldn’t have had such a good time with Sam along the way and…. he wouldn’t have met Justin.
