That's how my life was at the moment. Just one big joke to myself. There once was a time in my life when I thought I was something. When I thought that I made difference. But who am I kidding? That never happened. My friends all left once they met new ones. And the people I'm friends with now just look at me in a way that I can't describe. You know those looks where they're like 'what the hell you doing here' but they try and act like they like you? That's how I feel when I talk to people I call my 'friends'.
When I was younger, I used to sit in my math class thinking of nothing in particular. As my teacher would ramble on on how to use the quadratic formula in a quadratic equasion, I'd think about what'd I'd do that weekend with the bunches of friends that I had. But when I entered highschool that all changed. My friends would all race to the nearest Abercrombie and Fitch and buy all the coolest make up in a rush to be popular. But what did popular mean? Back then, at the beginning of highschool, the word 'popular' meant having tons of friends. These friends only wanting to hang out with you so they too could be popular. It seemed the only way you could be popular is if you were like them, if you put out, or anything to make the guys happy. I remember there was this girl named Ryanne, she was as popular as any, but only because her brother was cute and desired by most girls. Sad when you think that the only reason that this girl is popular is because of her brother. But hey, she didn't care as long as everyone loved her.
Have I ever thought I was popular? Nah, never in my life. I've always known that I wasn't popular. I bet the only reason I had any friends was because my best friend was pretty popular. She always wanted me to meet her friends, saying that they'd love to meet me because I was the best. Me the best? Ha, that's a laugh. Whenever I'd go and meet her friends, they'd smile and be polite but while on the inside screaming, 'how can a girl this popular, be friends with her?!?!' and you knwo what, they're right. When I met my best friend, we were in the third grade and we hated eachother, but then a couple years later, we became the best of friends. Lately, it hasn't seemed like it though. The last time I saw my best friend was at her birthday party and that was only for like two seconds because there were 200 people there and they were all surrounding her. She didn't even notice when I left early. Some best friend huh?
I closed my locker and pulled my books and binder close to me making my way to homeroom. My friend Julie walked next to me talking about her latest fling but I still felt alone. Lost in my own thoughts while holding a pointless conversation about what happened at the movies friday night with her and...I think his name is Jeremy. I can never be too sure because my friends all have new boyfriends each week while I just stand alone. Never in my life have I had a serious boyfriend. Sure, there was Jay, but he only went out with me to grab my butt, and then there was the numerous guys that asked me out numerous times. But only for one reason, because the size of my chest was bigger than the size of other's. But the only reason for that is because I'm not as thin as them. If I were, I'd have no boobs and then who'd ask me out? Carlie's sister always said that I had a cute round face and when I was older, all the guys would love me. But when's that gonna happen? I'm on my senior year of highschool, I'm not getting any damn older here!
A couple years ago, I kept telling myself that I'd lose weight, have stomachs like all my friends and then I'd be more sure of myself. Funny isn't? I thought that the only way I'd like myself or that guys would like me is to have me look like all of them. I was only kidding myself then. No matter how hard I try, this weight won't go away. I've often thought of starving myself, or making myself puke because it'd be faster than any diet. I once watched a news special where a girl with an eating disorder lost 20 pounds in one week! That's definantly better than any diet!
One thing that has stayed the same for me for about three or four years now is my obsession with the Backstreet Boys. Is it normal to be obsessed with a boyband for this long? My friends used to be as obsessed as me. Carlie and I'd stay up forever just talking about how much we loved Nick and Brian and how I was lucky because Nick was actually my age. But then about two years ago, Carlie gave it up. She stopped the death threats on Leighanne, she took down any sign of them in her room, and she even ditched me once when we had tickets to a concert. But I feel as though my obsession with the Backstreet Boys is the only thing that shows me. I've grown farther and farther from myself, and my friends just anyone around me but the one thing that hasn't gotten away from me is my obsession. I know it's not natural to obsess over a group, at least I can now accept the fact that they have girlfriends. Nick's 20, I'm 18. He has a girlfriend. Who really cares if it's his bitchy ManDUH who steals his tv and abuses his friends. Brian and Kevin are engaged. The group has changed and you'd think by now that I'd have gotten over my obsession but no, I haven't. I'm that pathetic.
"Hey Carlie!" I said into the phone. "Ciati?" She asked. "Yeah, we haven't talked in forever!! How's life for you girl?" She sighed "Fine, hectic but fine." "Guess what! I was on the internet and Nick finally dumped Mandy!!" Carlie sighed. "Ci, you need to get a new hobby!"
"What are you talking about Carlie??" "You're always talking about the Backstreet Boys. We're in 11th grade. Get over it." I was devastated. "Sorry to bother you then." I hung up the phone quickly to avoid anything said further.
I went into the locker room of our lovely, humble little school. I grabbed my gym clothes and headed into the first stall that I saw. Even when I first entered middle school, I couldn't ever change in front of everyone else. I've always been too ashamed of my body. As soon as I changed, I walked out and saw all the girls storming in. It's kind of interesting to see how fast they come and go. There's this one girl, Lynn, who actually enjoys watching us all change. She'll sit there in her gym clothes watching all the girls change. Total lesbian, I swear to God. During gym while we're all running miles or playing volleyball, she'll stand there with her hands up her shorts staring at girls.
"CIATI!!! GUESS WHAT!!!" Carlie ran up to me, interupting my thoughts, obviously to talk to me after what seemed like months. I'm surprised she even remembers my name. "What?" I turned around and looked at her. "I just won backstage passes to the Backstreet Boys concert and I know how much you're obsessed with them so I felt I needed to bring you along." She needed to bring me a long?? Because of my obsession?!?! Wow, and all this time I thought that Carlie was my friend for the sake of being my friend. She only thought of me becuase I'm the only one who likes them. I can't believe this...is this all that I am to her now?? Just a damn teenybopper for her to take to concerts??
"So Ci, you coming??" I looked at her. She had a smile on her face obviously thinking she was doing the right thing, never noticing anything wrong. "I guess." She smiled even bigger. "Great! So I'll pick you up at 7:00 tonight?" I nodded, "Sure whatever." And then I just walked away leaving her there thinking she did a good deed when all she did was make me feel worse. Sure, I've always said I wanted to meet them but that was because I said he'd meet me, fall madly in love with me and we'd live happily ever after. But all the while, my gut was telling me something different. Something that I've tried to block from my head to not even think about that. It was telling me that even if Nick did fall madly in love with one of us, it'd be Carlie. Not me. No one ever falls madly in love with plain old Ciati Walker. They all go for girls like Carlie, but then again, who wouldn't? She's everything a guy would want. "Ciati" I told myself "You've got to get out more" Then I quietly walked into the gym taking my place so I wouldn't be marked late.
