“Jesus fucking Christ Wynter, what the hell did you pack in here?”
“First of all, you’re a big strong man Ally, you can handle it. And second of all, I wasn’t the one who requested a room on the top floor, you can thank Erin for that.” Ally and I were dragging my stuff up to our suite on registration day. We had requested that we were put in a room together again. Ally stopped in the stairwell and sat down
“I quit.”
“Oh come on, its only one more flight and this is the last of my stuff.”
“No.”
“What will it take to get you and that box up those stairs?”
“The promise of sexual favors.”
“Oh ha ha, how about you don’t get your keys back until we get up to our room?”
“My keys?”
“Did someone forget that they gave me their keys when they picked up that box?”
“You bitch!”
“You know it,” I laughed and kissed Ally on the cheek. “God, I missed you.” He stood up and hugged me tight.
“I missed you too.”
“Good, now come on, one more flight of stairs.” We hauled the rest of my stuff up the stairs and into our suite. We pulled my boxes into the room Erin and I would share. I collapsed onto my bed and Ally fell down next to me.
“So where’s this big, strong boyfriend of yours when you need him?”
“In LA working on a new album.”
“And how are things going with Mr. Right?”
“Good, but I miss him already.”
“When is he coming back?”
“Two weeks, he’s spending a night with me and then going to a family thing in Buffalo.”
“Are you going with him?”
“No, I can’t miss any classes. Have you seen Tarin or Erin yet?”
“No, Tarin’s stuff is already here though.” As if on cue Tarin and Erin walked into the room, carrying Erin’s stuff. They dropped her stuff and Ally and I jumped off the bed. We all hugged and said hello. We unpacked our stuff and went through the motions of getting prepared for the new year.
The next two weeks went pretty much as usual and finally it was Friday afternoon. John was going to be coming home that night. I was picking up some groceries to make dinner for John and I. I walked past the video department, but then stopped and backed up. Some romantic urge swept through me and I decided we needed movies to match the mood. I turned my cart into the videos and started walking the aisles.
I passed Mansfield Park almost immediately, I was about to pick it up but I stopped. That would be a very bad idea. I ended up at the counter with Say Anything..., A Dream for an Insomniac, and Chasing Amy. Aside from Mansfield Park, these were my favorite romance movies.
I finished my shopping and headed to John’s apartment. I wanted to have dinner ready before John got home. I let myself into his apartment and took the groceries into the kitchen. The only things he had in his refrigerator were beer, two bottles of wine, mustard, and a really old loaf of bread. I threw the bread away and got out one of the bottles of wine. I popped the cork and poured myself a glass. I turned on the radio in the living room and started making dinner.
I had the table set, dinner out, candles lit, and the lights turned low and John was supposed to be home in ten minutes. I went into the bathroom and cleaned myself up a bit. I was in the kitchen pouring some more wine when I heard John’s keys in the door.
“Wynter, honey, are you here?” he called as he opened the door.
“I’m in the kitchen.”
“Oh Wynter.” I walked out of the kitchen to find him staring at the table.
“Surprise.”
“You are too good to me.”
“I know.”
We ate our dinner and started watching Say Anything... It was cute and romantic, and we were enjoying ourselves. The movie ended and I hit the rewind button on the remote. Then it happened. The conversation seemed innocent enough. John just asked about my first time, then it kind of led to discussing of sexual histories. The problem with that is I was, well, um, a slut, not to mention that whole Ivy thing and she wasn’t the only girl. The next thing I know we’re fighting and John is saying some really horrible things. Then I said that I never wanted to see him again and I left.
I felt so dirty, I couldn’t believe what had just happened. I don’t even remember how I ended up back at the dorm. I was still numb when I walked into our room. No one was home, I went to the sink to get a glass of water. I turned on the water, suddenly I felt this pain in my chest. I dropped the glass and slid down the cupboards. I started sobbing but they weren’t tears of sorrow, they were tears of anger. I was so mad at John for ending this over something that absurd. I got up off the kitchen floor and went to the stereo. I put on Jagged Little Pill, and programmed out everything but the angry songs. I couldn’t stop crying, I grabbed a box of tissues and sat down on the couch.
About half way through You Oughta Know, Erin, Tarin, Ally, and some girl I didn’t know walked in.
“Oh god, Tarin get a bottle of wine and some glasses.” Erin went over to the stereo and turned it off.
“Um, Sandy, maybe you better go.”
“But Ally, I thought we were...”
“Sandy, just go.”
“Fuck you, Ally.” She slammed the door and I flinched.
“No,” I said, sniffing. Erin sat down next to me and Tarin brought over the wine.
“No, what?” Erin asked.
“I don’t want wine. There should be a bottle of vodka in the freezer, get that.” Erin got up and went to the refrigerator.
“All I find is something called Absolut Citron.”
“That will work, its lemon-flavored vodka.” Erin came back and poured us each a shot. I downed mine and wiped my face off.
“Okay honey, what’s wrong?” Erin asked as she pulled me to her.
“It suddenly got so complicated.”
“What got so complicated?”
“John, me, life, everything,” I said taking some deep breaths.
“Um, I think you are going to need to explain it a little better than that,” Tarin said, looking genuinely perplexed.
“Oh god, you two were on a date. Go, have fun, finish your date. I’ll be fine,” I said, blowing my nose. “Ally, you sent your date home angry. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. We’ll stay,” Erin said.
“No, no, no, you’ll make me feel worse. Go.”
“I’ll stay with her, it’s okay,” Ally said.
“All right, if you’re sure?” We both nodded at Erin. Tarin and Erin got up and went into our room. I poured myself another shot, gulped it, and poured another. I had finally stopped crying, but I knew my eyes were red and puffy.
“You broke up.” It wasn’t really a question, rather the statement of a fact that he already knew.
“Mmmhmm,” I said sipping my drink.
“You want to talk about it?”
“I’m not really sure what happened. We were talking about past sexual partners and all of a sudden it blew up into a fight.”
“Why?”
“Well first of all, I’m not inexperienced to say the very least, and I, uh,” I paused trying to think of the right way to say it, “am bisexual.”
“And this pissed him off?”
“Apparently.” I swallowed the rest of my drink. Ally just pulled me over and put his arms around. I started crying again, only this time it was in sadness and pain. Ally held me while I cried for what seemed like an eternity. I must have fallen asleep from the alcohol and emotional exhaustion, because the next thing I knew it was morning and I was in Ally’s bed. I sat up slowly, bracing myself for a hangover. Thankfully there was none.
I looked around the room but instead of Ally, I saw me. The painting he had done of me was on the wall and the open page of his sketchbook had a drawing of me. I picked up the book and started flipping through it. I knew I shouldn’t, an artist’s sketchbook is like a young girl’s diary, but I couldn’t help myself. Nearly all the drawings were of me. The phone rang in the other room, causing me to jump and drop the book. I walked out into the living room, but the answering machine had already picked it up.
“You know the drill, talk after the beep.” My hand hovered over the receiver.
“Wynter,” I backed up at the sound of that familiar voice. “It’s John. Are you there? Pick up. Please. Look, I really sorry. Why don’t you come to Buffalo with me and I’ll show you how sorry I am?” I was about to pick up, “I’m sure I can learn to accept the whole girl thing.” I stopped cold. “Well, I have to leave in an hour, please call me. And Wynter, I love you.”
My heart was screaming out at me to pick up the goddamn phone. Oh come on, he said he was sorry and you love him, it argued. My head was screaming a different tune. Learn to accept it, fuck learn to accept it. You’ve been down this road before, you know where it leads. Thank god my head controls my hand, because I know if I had picked up that phone that would have been it. I would melt right there and I’d be his again.
“Was that him?” I jumped and spun around to find Ally on the couch, rubbing his eyes.
“Yeah. Did you sleep on the couch?” I walked over and sat down on the coffee table.
“Yes.”
“You didn’t have to.”
“Well, when you fell asleep...”
“Fell asleep or passed out?”
“Fell asleep I think. Anyway, I couldn’t take you to your room because Tarin and Erin were in there. So I took you to my bed, but I didn’t want you to think that something happened that didn’t so I slept out here.”
“Why do you take such good care of me?”
“I think you know why.” The phone started to ring again, and I panicked.
“I don’t care if you have to sit on me, do not let me answer that phone.” The words were out of my mouth before I had a chance to think them through, luck was definitely on my side that day. We both stared expectantly at the phone.
“You know the drill, talk after the beep.”
“Ally, about last night, I’m not mad just upset. Sometimes I think that you’re like in love with that Wynter chick or something. I mean you talk about her all...” Ally jumped over the couch, picked up the phone, and dropped it back down again. He turned and smiled at me and the phone rang again. This time he picked it up on the first ring.
“Hello?”
A pause.
“Like you said last night Sandy, fuck you,” and he hung up.
“I really am sorry about that.”
“It’s all right, I was actually looking for a way to get out of that date.”
“Well then, I’m glad I could be of assistance,” I laughed. Ally laughed slightly and looked at his feet. He looked a little embarrassed, so I figured I’d change the subject. “Are Tarin and Erin still in there?”
“No, they left a while ago. They said they are spending the weekend up north in a friend’s cabin.”
“Good, I need a shower and all my stuff is in there.” I went into my room to grab my shower basket. I stopped in front of the mirror and looked at the reflection of John’s ring. I took it off and put it in my jewelry box.
“John, you need to start worrying when she takes off that necklace and doesn’t come back.” I repeated what Robby had said to John, to my reflection. “Well John, are you worrying now?”
I picked up my basket and went back into the living room. The phone rang again as I was reaching for the door.
“One. Two. Three. Four,” I counted the rings aloud.
“You know the drill, talk after the beep.”
“Wynter, honey, are you there?” I turned around and walked toward the phone. “I have to leave in thirty minutes. Please call me. You have no idea how sorry I am.” Ally grabbed me from behind as I reached for the phone.
“Don’t do it,” he whispered into my ear, as if John might hear.
“Please Wynter, I love you,” and he hung up. I walked over to the couch and collapsed onto it.
“God, I don’t know how much more of this I can take. It’s easy to resist calling him, but when I hear his voice I forget how angry I am.”
“It’ll get easier.”
“I hope so.”
“Why don’t you want to forgive him, anyway?”
“I’ve done this before. They say they can learn to accept it, but they can’t. It eats away at them until they can’t take it anymore and then bad things happen.”
“Doesn’t that happen with all guys?”
“No, some of them are okay with it from the start. It’s the phrase ‘learn to accept it’ that causes problems. You either can accept it or you can’t, there is no learning.” The phone rang again and I buried my face in my hands.
“Wynter, come on, I know you’re there.” John said to the answering machine. “After you left last night I watched Chasing Amy. I don’t want to end up like that.” I jumped up and grabbed the phone.
“What you watch one fucking movie and you suddenly think you understand everything? Even if you did understand, and I don’t happen to think you do, that doesn’t make everything okay.”
“But Wynter, I’m sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t make all those horrible things you said vanish into thin air.”
“I didn’t mean any of that.”
“Obviously you did last night, and the fact that you thought any of it long enough to say it proves that you did mean it once. And once is enough, John.” I said his name with more contempt than I thought I had ever had in me.
“I love you.”
“Oh well then that fixes everything. John Rzeznik loves me,” I shouted, bordering on hysteria. “Oh my god, my heart's not broken anymore. Fuck off John.” I slammed down the receiver and slid down the wall, breathing heavily. The phone started ringing, but this time Ally answered. I only heard half the conversation, but Ally filled me in later.
“Wynter?”
“No.”
“Who is this then?”
“Her roommate.”
“A male roommate?”
“Yes, a male roommate.”
“Just let me talk to her.”
“She doesn’t want to talk to you.”
“What are you, her dad?”
“Look, she told you to fuck off and she meant it.” Ally hung up on him and sat down in front of me. When the phone started ringing again, he reached up and pulled the plug out of the wall.
“Thank you.”
“No problem, babe. What did he mean about watching Chasing Amy?”
“I rented it for us, ever seen it?”
“No.”
“This guy, Ben Affleck, he falls for a girl he thinks is a lesbian, but it turns out she’s not, she‘s actually bi. So they get together, but then he finds out that she is a lot more sexually experienced than he is and it bothers him. She tells him that she was just searching for him and she doesn’t want any of that anymore, she wants him. It doesn’t matter though, because it starts to eat at him until they finally break up.”
“Oh I see.” Rather suddenly I started to laugh. “What’s so funny?”
“Fine line between sorrow and hysteria. Did I ever tell you that he proposed to me?”
“No, were you going to marry him?”
“Probably not, marriage has never really held any appeal for me. I just find it funny that no less than three months ago he was prepared to spend the rest of his life with me.”
“I fail to see the humor in that.”
“Obviously he didn’t know me as well as he thought he did. It makes you wonder how much else he didn’t know about me.”
“Wynter, I get the feeling that a person could know you all their life and still only scratch the surface.” I stood up and held my hand out to him.
“I’m going to take a shower and then I’m going to take you out to lunch. I feel like I owe you something and I will not take no for an answer.”
As I showered I tried to think about what life without John would be like. I thought about what it was like before John, but I was a completely different person now. I had no idea how things were going to turn out and that scared the hell out of me. I have never faced the future so completely unprepared before. All I knew was that getting over John was going to be a time consuming and difficult task.