I am becoming the most neurotic person in the world. I swear to god, Bridget Jones has got nothing on me. If you combined all the neurotic, self-loathing women I have ever read, then and only then will you come close to what I have become without John.
Every place I go, everything I see, every sound I hear, every scent I smell, everything reminds me of John. Ally tried his hardest to keep me distracted, but it’s not working. Now I need to go get my stuff from John’s apartment, thankfully Ally’s coming along.
“Wynter, are you coming?” I reached into my jewelry box and grabbed John’s key.
“Uh, hold on,” I picked up chain with the ring on it and slipped it into my pocket. “Okay, I’m coming.” We walked out and caught a cab to John’s apartment. Ally reached over and took my hand. “Thank you for all of this.”
“All of what?”
“You know.”
“Of course I do, but I still want to hear you say it.”
“For taking care of me, for going above and beyond the call of friendship, for being perfect. Is that enough or should I go on?” I found myself inches from Ally, looking straight into his deep eyes. The taxi stopped short and I fell into the front seat.
“Here you are.” I shoved some money at the driver and got out of the cab. I almost kissed him. I almost kissed Ally. I can’t do that to him, he’s too good to be a rebound guy. I pulled John’s key out of my pocket and let us into the apartment.
The whole place smelled like him. It’s been a month, and I step one foot into his home and I feel like I never even started to get over him. I just wanted to get my stuff and get out. Ally and I went back to the bedroom and opened the closet. I ran my hand over one of John’s shirts and thought about all the times I had done that with him in it. I grabbed all my clothes and stuffed them into the bag I had brought. I grabbed a handful of my jewelry from the top of the dresser and some make-up from the bathroom. I zipped the bag and Ally picked it up.
“Give me a minute, I’ll meet you out front, okay?”
“Okay, are you going to be all right?”
“Eventually.” Ally kissed my shoulder, picked up my bag and left. I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen, and went into the living room to try and gather my thoughts.
Dear John, Goodbye.
That was all I could think of, but it said it all. I set it on his coffee table and took the ring out of my pocket. I stared at it, I couldn’t bring myself to put it down.
“Wynter, the taxi’s here,” Ally called from the front door. I set the ring on the table and left.
That was it, John and I were over. I felt, almost, relieved, it was so strange. I wanted to cry, but at the same time I was glad it was over.
Thus began the series of endless blind dates. Erin decided that picking up my stuff from John’s apartment was a sign that I was ready to move on. So she began setting me up on these dates.
Troy was the first. He was a pre-law student at Columbia. My hopes were high that he was going to be smart. I mean, come on, he was pre-law for god sakes. He showed up five minutes early, slightly impressive, but he was wearing a sweater vest and necklace with his Greek letter on it. A frat boy, a fucking frat boy, Erin did not mention this.
“Hi,” I smiled. He looked me up and down as he shook my hand. I would have been mad, but I was guilty of the same. Besides, I was only wearing a black cashmere sweater and blue jeans. “Let’s go.”
He took me to an expensive French restaurant, where he ordered for both of us. He spent the whole night talking about himself and his future plans. He had his whole life mapped out, I just wondered where he was going to find a woman who fit into his perfect little world.
I got back home as fast as I could. When he leaned in to kiss me, I turned my head. Erin, Tarin, and Ally were waiting on the couch, when I walked in.
“So,” Erin prompted.
“No.”
“You didn’t think he was...”
“No.”
“But, Wyn...”
“No.”
Corey was next, a sports medicine major from a nearby community college. He took me to a pizza place/sports bar, this was off to a bad start. The conversation was going slowly.
“Seen any good movies lately?” I had resorted to clichés to keep the conversation alive.
“Uh,” he scratched his chin, which was covered in “I-wish-I-had-sexy-stubble” facial hair. “I rented Fight Club last night.” This was actually very good. I adored that movie, the complexity of the plot, the unexpected twists, Edward Norton, and the only time I thought Brad Pitt looked sexy.
“So, you liked it?”
“Well, the fight scenes kicked ass and for once Brad Pitt wasn’t a pussy, pretty boy.” I lost interest before he even finished the sentence. I walked into our room to see the same scene from a week earlier.
“No!” I said before they could even open their mouths.
Then it was Harold, the would be accountant.
“I think accounting is the most important profession in the world.”
“No!”
Zeke, the psychology major.
“You have a lot of penned up sexual energy, you need to get involved in a healthy sexual relationship. I think I could be just the man for that.”
“No!”
Tommy, the English major.
“I want to write erotica, but I need a lot more interesting experiences to write about. Are you going to be an interesting experience?”
“No!”
The list went on and on and on. One loser after another. I couldn’t take anymore. I was beginning to think being with John again would be better than this.
“Wynter...”
“No!”
“Come on, Wynter, just one more.”
“Erin, it’s been four months, twelve different guys. Twelve! This just isn’t working. I can’t take anymore.”
“Just one more. Number thirteen, your lucky number thirteen. If this doesn’t work I’ll leave you alone. Please?”
“One more, that’s it?”
“Cross my heart and hope to die.”
“All right, one more.”
“Great,” she threw herself onto the bed next to me. “His name is Ricky. He’s an acting major, he’s in a few of my classes. He’s really nice and really, really cute.” Erin went on about the wonders of Ricky for at least an hour.
I was expecting the worst as I prepared for the date, but I promised Erin one more. I was listening to Music for People.
You left me high and dry it changed me
You lied to me and now I’m angry
And if the sun comes in your room
And awakes you from your vanity
You won’t find me ‘cause I’ll be
On top a mountain pissing on your grave
It struck an angry chord in me that I didn’t even know was still there. Vast songs always seemed to touch me somewhere. Maybe that’s what I need, a guy as deeply emotional as Jon Crosby. Then again maybe that’s what I don’t need, another rock star. I heard someone knock on the door in the other room. Well, he’s on time, but we know from experience that doesn’t mean anything.
Erin didn’t lie, he was really cute in a Ben Affleck sort of way sort of way. Tall, slightly muscular, dark skin, dark hair, dark smile, friendly smile. He took me dancing, which impressed me immediately because it’s so hard to find a guy who likes the dance. We were having a lot of fun, but I wasn’t learning anything about him. I needed to be able to talk to him. I couldn’t date a guy based on the fact that he likes to dance alone. After a few hours of dancing I suggested we go get some food, he readily agreed.
He took me to a small Italian place that he said made amazing Fettucine Alfredo con Pollo. We had an interesting conversation, which kind of played out like a game of twenty questions.
“If you could meet one person who has died who would you pick?” he asked over salad.
“It’d be a tie between James Dean and Freddy Mercury.”
“Why?”
“Well, Freddy Mercury was so charismatic. He commanded attention when he was on stage, it makes you wonder what type of person he really was. James Dean was such an amazing actor and it’d be cool to know if he really was bi. What about you?”
“I never really liked James Dean and I don’t know who Freddy Mercury is.”
“Freddy Mercury was in Queen, but that’s not what I meant. Who would you pick?”
“Ghandi, I want to know what would possess a person to do that.” He was intelligent and interesting, I was just hoping it wasn’t all an act. He was, after all, an actor.
We went back to his dorm room for some wine and a movie. His roommate was staying the night with his girlfriend, so we had the room to ourselves. We sat on the bed drinking wine and watching Gross Pointe Blank. One thing led to another and we started making out.
I hadn’t intended to have sex with him, but it just sort of happened. It lasted about two minutes and then he rolled over and fell asleep. I was irritated with him, but he was such a nice guy. I got up out of his bed and put on my clothes. I sneaked out and went back to my dorm. I went into the living room and got a Diet Coke from the refrigerator. I went to open my door, but there was a scarf tied around the handle. That was our signal, Erin was in there with Tarin.
I sighed and went over to the couch. I sat down and turned on the television. I wanted to give Ricky a second chance, maybe he was just a little too excited.
“Wynter.”
“Jesus, Ally, you scared the hell out of me.” He was standing in the doorway in his boxers, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. His hair was all over the place and he was badly in need of a shave. I felt a stirring in my stomach, but I tried to ignore it. I didn’t deserve a guy like Ally and he didn’t need a girl like me.
“When did you get home?” he asked as shuffled to the couch.
“A few minutes ago.”
“How did it go?”
“Good, then bad.”
“What do you mean?”
“The date went well until we got back to his place.”
“He didn’t force himself on you, did he?” Ally asked, waking up suddenly.
“No, no, nothing like that,” I assured him, rubbing his leg, “but we did sleep together.”
“Was that the bad part?”
“Yeah.”
“So are you going to go out with him again?”
“I don’t know and I don’t want to think about it right now. I just want to go to bed,” I yawned.
“Why don’t you then?”
“Scarf,” I said, tossing my head towards the door.
“Come on, you can sleep in Tarin’s bed. He won’t mind.” I stood up and followed him into their room.
“Shit.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t have anything to sleep in.”
“Hold on.” He dug through one of his dresser drawers and came up with one of his painting shirts. “Here you go,” he tossed it to me. I put it on and left my clothes in a pile next to the bed. I crawled into Tarin’s bed, Ally pulled the blankets over me and kissed my forehead. “Goodnight, sweetheart.”
I watched him crawl into bed and slowly begin to drift off. His breathing grew heavy and his body relaxed. Suddenly I couldn’t sleep, it had been like this for the past two months. I’d be really, really tired, but the second I went to bed I’d be wide-awake. The doctor said it was insomnia, and pills would only foster an addiction rather than help. I had tried everything. I was eating better and exercising more. I tried meditation, yoga, herbs, Feng Shui, boring books, comforting food, quiet music, relaxation, infomercials, late night talk shows, hypnotherapy, therapy, warm showers, warm milk, cold showers, masturbation, and finally, tonight, sex (which only added more reasons not to sleep). I was completely out of ideas.
Ally looked like a sweet, little child asleep. God, I wish I could sleep like that. I sat up in the bed and looked around the darkened room. Might as well prepare for another sleepless night.