If Only in a Memory
by Veste Notus
“It’s your turn, Duo.”
Heero and Duo had become much closer through the night. The sun’s rays poured down on them, casting shadows across their faces, symbolizing the light they found in one another, yet emphasizing the shadows on both of their pasts.
Duo knew Heero now. It was him who remained unknown. As Duo dipped his head down to gather white flowers in the field they sat in, Heero found the braided boy’s face as hidden as ever.
He’d long since acquainted himself with the idea that Duo was different from how he presented himself. There was something off in his joviality, and Heero set out to find the real Duo.
“Okay, Heero. Ask away.”
Heero had decided that the best way to find out more about Duo was to find out more about himself. He let Duo ask him any question he wanted, given that Duo would do the same in return.
Duo had asked Heero why he’d stopped him from flying.
If Heero had ever been uncertain of his guess at Duo’s split personalities, he didn’t anymore. Duo was an interesting character indeed. There was something about him that transcended simple beauty. There was a light inside him that burned down his throat and shined like beams out his toes and fingertips.
Heero told Duo what he meant to him. Heero made known to Duo that he wasn’t just a ‘part of the mission’, but a ‘part of the family’. He’d finally learned to depend on someone other than himself; a grand compliment reserved just for Duo. But now it was Duo’s turn.
“Tell me, Duo…” Heero thumbed through a stubborn patch of grass. “What is your fondest memory?”
“My fondest memory?” Heero gave a nod and nothing more. Not a smile, barely a blink. Heero feared that any emotion would influence Duo’s answer. He wanted the real Duo to answer, not some manipulated, automatic mask.
Sure enough, the real Duo would answer. “My fondest memory…” Duo fingeres a chain around his neck. “was when I was free…”
Duo looked up at Heero with penetrating eyes – eyes that whispered ‘that’s all I had to say’. But Heero’s insistent eyes retorted, demanding continuance.
“You know about Sister Helen and Father Maxwell. If I tell you that story one more time, I think it’ll stop holding its meaning. You know about Solo, my only friend. You know about my life, Heero, whether you know it or not.
My fondest memory was when I was free. When I wasn’t bound by my cross. When I wasn’t a slave to war. When I wasn’t Shinigami, but rather just another child reaching for the earth, still small enough to swallow in one gulp.”
“What happened, Duo? How were you free? Why aren’t you now?”
“That’s more than one question, Heero.”
“…baka…”
Duo stood up and toed the grassy field. He ripped up the fistful of flowers and let them fall into Heero’s lap.
“It’s your turn. Why do you sleep with flowers under your pillow?” Heero gaped.
“H-how did you-” Duo cut him off. He leaned over and gripped Heero’s shoulders. Their eyes met and burned.
“Answer my question, Heero.”
“They get rid of the smell of gunpowder.”
“And..?” prodded Duo, hands still gripping the Japanese boy’s shoulders.
“And they’re lilacs…” Heero swallowed, recounting his memory before sharing it. “Before the outbreak, we used to have lilac bushes outside my front yard. Faith and I would play by them all the time.
My mother would pick the sweetest smelling sprig and slip it under my pillow while I slept. She said it would give me sweet dreams.”
Duo released his hold on Heero. “So you use them…”
“To ward off the nightmares, Duo.” Heero glanced up at Duo. “You only had to ask. I would share with you.” Duo flushed crimson, knowing he’d been caught.
Once, when Heero and Duo were assigned to the same mission, Duo had been awakened by a dreadful nightmare, only to turn his head to see the boy in the next bed sleeping as peacefully as a cherub. Duo was flustered, but then he caught the scent of something absolutely wonderful.
He found the sprigs of lilac and slipped one under his pillow just as Heero had. He recalled sleeping nicely for the next four nights.
“How were you free, Duo?”
“I could fly, Heero. I could fly without worry or inhibition of who I would leave behind.
I was free when my parents died, when I could look at the stars and the Earth and wonder dimly if I would eat that night. I was free after the Maxwell Massacre, after the death of Solo. I was finally free.”
“And you aren’t now?” Duo stubbornly folded his arms and turned his head. Heero was cheating, after all. “Fine. Ask away.”
“Why are you asking me these questions?” Heero thought. Why *was* he asking Duo those questions. They were such personal metaphors that required reaching into the worst of Duo’s memories and searching for something… searching for the words to make him understand.
Was that it? Was it that Heero wanted to understand? Well, he knew he wanted to understand Duo, but why? Because he cared for him.
But was it just that?
Something was nagging, tugging away at the back of Heero’s mind. It was like his subconscious knew something he didn’t and was taunting him endlessly.
“I want to know about you, Duo. You fascinate me.” Heero shrugged. “I don’t know. There’s something different. I mean, when I’m with you, I feel like I need to know why you aren’t smiling.
I care about you, Duo. I don’t know how, or to what degree, but I dearly care about you, more than anyone else. I care enough to share with you my secrets and to daring ask the same of you. I guess that’s why I’m asking.”
Duo’s hand shook as he stretched it towards Heero. Resting it on his shoulder, Duo slid his hand down the Japanese boy’s arm and into his hand. “…Because you care?”
“Why aren’t you free, Duo?”
“Because of you.” Their eyes met. “I can’t leave you behind. I can open my wings, I can spread them wide. I can flap my wings and feel the soft breeze, but I cannot fly.”
Duo embraced Heero in a gentle hug. They stayed like that for a while, until Duo finally whispered in Heero’s ears, “You told me that your wings are broken?” Heero gave a modest nod. “Let me…”
“Please…” came the shy response. Hand in hand, the two boys rose. Duo began to run, pulling Heero close behind.
The two ran far off into the distance. With Heero hanging on, Duo set out to teach Heero how to fly. They jumped and skipped in the fields. They flipped and tripped and dove and slid. When at last they could not move any further, the two collapsed in a heap, side by side.
“Thank you.”
“No, Heero, thank you.”
“It’s my turn.”
“Do you like me Heero?”
“Yes. Do you like me?”
“Yes.”
A pause.
“Do you love me?”
A longer pause.
“Yes.”
“Good. Me too.”
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