“--so I think they had a fight of some sort,” Gai said, sipping at his beer. He grimaced; he’d been talking for too long, it seemed, and the beer was warm. Ick. “Lee, of course, is taking TenTen’s side, which complicates things.”
“What a gentleman,” said Kurenai tiredly. Asuma nodded in agreement.
“The springtime of youth, while a wonderful and vigorous thing, can occasionally have drawbacks,” Gai admitted. The three Jounin instructors were seated at a table in the far corner of one of Konoha’s liveliest bars, recounting the frustrations of teacherdom in what Gai secretly called their Monthly Bitch Session. Training students with such vibrant personalities unfortunately led to many tragedies as well as triumphs, and with no one at home, Gai naturally gravitated towards his fellow instructors for stress relief.
“That it can,” Asuma said.
Kakashi was invited as well, of course, but never showed. Gai was glad: he would most certainly lose to Kakashi in terms of student problems. With just these two, though, his competitive nature faded, leaving him calm and somewhat tired, a far cry from his usual enthusiastic approach to life. Still, he thought it was better to let himself go completely for one night a month, rather than slowly deteriorate in front of his students.
“Well,” Gai said after a pause, “I’m finished. Asuma?”
“Eh, no real problems,” Asuma said. “My team’s pretty laid back. The boys do what Ino says, and nobody gets hurt.” He took a drag from his ever-present cigarette and turned to Kurenai expectantly.
“Where do I begin?” she said, rubbing her temples. “Hinata’s been doing so much better lately. Her forms are perfect, her performance in missions superb, and she’s even coming out of her shell a little bit. She told Kiba off the other day for going off on his own, and not even Shino usually does that.” She paused. “Not that Shino ever really talks. But today...”
She sighed and leaned against Asuma, who put his arm around her shoulders. Gai felt a small twinge of loneliness, but shook it off quickly. Kurenai sighed and continued. “Two weeks ago, she had a terrible day. She was totally off. Her timing, her teamwork, everything. Sure, it was only a C-rank mission, but still, it was like she was thirteen again. And then, after the mission was done, she just burst out crying. She called herself worthless, apologized to me for having to deal with her. A total relapse. And today was just as bad. I don’t know what to do with her. She won’t talk to me, and neither will Kiba or Shino, and I know they know what’s up...” She sighed. “It’s just so frustrating. She was doing so well.”
Gai winced in sympathy as he took another sip of his disgustingly-warm beer. Hinata was Kurenai’s pet student, as Lee was Gai’s, so he knew how it was.
“Don’t worry too much about it, dear,” Asuma said, rubbing her arm comfortingly. Gai felt another twinge and decided it was time for him to look around for a date himself. “I’m sure it’s only temporary. She’s probably just tired or something simple like that.”
“I hope so,” Kurenai said.
“Well,” Gai said after a pause, “I think you win this week, Kurenai.” Asuma nodded in agreement.
“What a prize,” Kurenai said.
Gai drained the rest of his beer and was about to bid his fellow instructors farewell when a shadow fell across the table. He glanced up and squinted against the light. The silhouette looked vaguely familiar, and while he was attempting to place it, the figure pulled up a chair to their table and straddled it backwards.
“Actually, I think I win,” the figure said. At the first syllable, Gai knew exactly who it was: his eternal rival, Kakashi!
“Kakashi!” he cried, jumping to his feet. “How dare you show your face here after ignoring our invitation for so long! And without even RSVPing!”
“Not now, Gai, please,” Kakashi said in a monotone voice; another man would have missed it, but Gai, having observed Kakashi carefully for years, could tell that the man was depressed and a little drunk. Gai blinked, then sat down again. Even if he was being rude, even if he was his eternal rival, Gai just couldn’t challenge someone whose youthful vigor was so depleted. What could have caused Kakashi such distress?
“So,” Asuma said, “what’s up?”
“You’ll never believe what I just found out,” Kakashi said.
“Try us,” Kurenai said.
“My student is pregnant.”
The three Jounin seated properly at the table blinked simultaneously.
“I thought Sakura was smarter than that...” Kurenai murmured.
“Lee will be heartbroken,” Gai agreed. “What happened, Kakashi? Did her youthful energy overpower her good sense? Or,” he said, unable to help getting a jab in at his rival, “did yours?”
Kakashi narrowed his eyes at him. “It’s nothing like that.”
“Oh,” Asuma said, taking a drag, “than what’s it like?”
“It’s Naruto.”
As one, their mouths dropped open. Asuma’s cigarette fell out of his. Kakashi reached over and nonchalantly ground it out in the ashtray. There was a pause. A Chuunin Gai didn’t recognize at first walked past their table and sat down in the booth next to them, ending the moment.
“You’re kidding,” Kurenai said. “Is that physically possible?”
“Shouldn’t be,” Kakashi agreed, “but I just heard it from the Hokage herself. You wanna call her a liar?”
Kurenai shook her head.
“Do you know who the father is?” Asuma asked.
“Nope, not yet,” Kakashi answered. “I’m gonna ask the kids tomorrow morning.”
“Good plan,” Asuma said.
Gai slowly shook his head to clear it. Naruto, pregnant? The boy had no small number of problems and oddities about him, but this surely took the cake. He could see why Kakashi had chosen this night to attend the Bitch Session.
“There’s more to it,” Kakashi continued, “but that’s classified.”
“Something to do with the You-Know-What?” Gai asked, dreading the answer.
“Yeah,” Kakashi said. Gai sighed. He’d come here looking for stress relief, not to have his stress added to!
“Kakashi,” he said sullenly, “I’m going to challenge you tomorrow, and you’d better not run away. You ruined my evening.”
“Whatever,” Kakashi said.
“This is all kinda hard to swallow,” Asuma said. “I mean, first you tell us one of your students is pregnant. Then you say it’s Naruto. And now--”
A loud bout of coughing from the booth next to them interrupted Asuma. He glanced at the source of the noise with irritation and continued. “And now, you say the village might be in danger from That Thing again.”
“You think I’m lying?” said Kakashi.
“I’m not saying that,” said Asuma. “I’m just saying--”
“Excuse me,” interrupted the Chuunin from before. Now that he had a better look at his face, and wasn’t in shock, Gai recognized him; Umino Iruka, one of the teachers at the Academy. “Did I just hear you say that Uzumaki Naruto is pregnant?”
“You did,” Kakashi said. “Oh, hi, Iruka.”
“Hi,” Iruka said, rising from his seat and exiting the bar at top speed. Gai watched him go and tried to figure out what had him so upset. Oh, right: he’d practically raised Naruto himself. Gai didn’t envy Naruto the scolding he was probably going to get, not at all.
“Well,” Kakashi said, standing up. “I think that’s my cue to go.”
“’Night, Kakashi,” Asuma said. Kurenai had fallen asleep on his shoulder.
Gai raised a hand in farewell. “Don’t forget, Kakashi: tomorrow.” Kakashi raised his own hand noncommittally and walked towards the exit. Before he’d gone too far, though, Gai rose from his own seat and dashed to catch up with him.
“Kakashi,” he said, “Naruto--he doesn’t have a lot of money to spare, does he?”
“Nope,” Kakashi said. “Just enough to live. I think the Hokage’s gonna increase his allowance once the kid’s born, though, and give him a bunch extra so he can get his place ready.”
“Tell her not to bother with that last bit,” Gai said, smiling glintily. He knew just how to restore vigor to all of them! “If I cannot convince the people of this village to provide Naruto with everything he needs to prepare for his child, not only will I run around the village 1000 times on my hands and then do 5000 pushups, I will finally concede you the victory in our eternal rivalry! Kakashi! Do not back down from this challenge!”
“Suit yourself,” Kakashi said, then exited. Gai gave his retreating back a thumbs-up, then rushed back to his table to tell Asuma and Kurenai all about his plan. The youthful, fiery spirit of Konoha would prevail!
Give feedback to The Badfic Fairy (solderini)?
