Epilogue: Where Are They Now?

Sasuke subtly pursued Naruto for a few more months until he realized that Naruto was about as observant as a big pile of rocks and would never pick up on it by himself. He tearfully confessed his feelings to his teammate, then went off and sulked. In the rain.

Sakura eventually got over her Sasuke-obsession and started dating Lee. Though he lost his eyebrows in a tragic stir-fry accident, they continued their relationship for many long, eventful years.

Shikamaru and Ino married at the age of eighteen, and he remains her bitch to this day.

The Monthly Jounin Bitch Session became a Leaf Village tradition, moderated by Gai until the day he lost his teeth. Deprived of his glint, he spent days on end sitting on his porch and encouraging passerbys with anecdotes from his younger days. He was occasionally visited by his old rival Kakashi who, though he didn’t do much aside from read his porn, greatly warmed Gai’s heart with his presence.

After recovering from her heartbreak with Naruto, Hinata sought out Jiraiya for pimp lessons. She currently ghostwrites the “Come Come” series for the Ero-sennin, with Shino and Kiba as her man-slaves. They don’t mind.

Tsunade eventually revealed to the village that her lieutenant, Shizune, was in fact her lover. No one cared, though, because if they did Tsunade would beat their asses and send them through a slot machine.

Chouji slimmed down, shaped up and replaced Sasuke as the village heartthrob. After having flings with all the girls in Leaf Village, he married TenTen, and they were very happy together despite the complete randomness of their love.

Neji took over the Hyuuga family business. Just what that business was... he could tell you, but then he’d have to kill you.

Iruka continued teaching and researching new techniques. His big claim to fame was the development of “Baking no Jutsu,” a special jutsu that conjures up cookies, any kind, a dozen at a time. Other, more minor accomplishments include “Dusting no Jutsu,” which removes all allergens from an area, and “Goddamnit-Come-Back-Here no Jutsu,” for catching wayward students.

Haku continued to star in many flashbacks over the years. Eventually, his work earned him enough money to buy Zabuza out of hell, and they settled down together somewhere in the Earth Country. Despite the strong homophobia present in the area, they led a life together without discrimination, because everyone still thought Haku was a woman.

Gaara taught basic ninja techniques at the Hidden Sand Village Academy for several years, until an unfortunate experience with a Mary Sue reminded him of exactly why he’d turned evil in the first place. He now kills people for fun and profit.

And, because the author likes SasuNaru and wants a happy ending, after Sasuke ran off (in the rain), Naruto ran after him, and as they kissed the sun came out and birds sung and flowers bloomed and everything was peachy-keen until Sasuke wanted kids. Then Naruto dumped him, until Sasuke promised that he would be the one to get pregnant this time. Unfortunately, they never quite figured out how to make this happen. So they adopted. Aww.