“Usopp!” Sanji cried once Zoro was out of sight. “Just a little nookie between buddies! C’mon, I’m desperate here!”
Usopp glared at him. “Look, Sanji, for the last time, no. And if you ask me again, I’ll spank you without pants!”
“I don’t believe this,” Sanji huffed. “Do you know how many people want a piece of this ass?” He gestured to said flesh, bending over so the material of his pants would mold to it.
“You mean the ones who don’t want a piece of Zoro’s instead?” Usopp retorted. Sanji blushed. “And anyway, just because you don’t have standards doesn’t mean that I do.” He thought for a moment. “Wait...”
“Usopp,” Sanji reasoned, “you’ve gotta be at least as horny as me. So how about it? It’ll take forever to get Nami or Zoro into bed.”
“Nah,” Usopp said suavely. “If I wanted easy, I’ve got easy right here.” He patted Luffy’s back gently, which caused the rubber boy to squirm around in Usopp’s lap and snuggle closer.
Sanji’s mouth dropped open. “You wouldn’t.”
Usopp eyed him cooly. “I would. And I will if you don’t stop throwing yourself at me.”
They stared at each other for some time, until Usopp burst into laughter. “Jeez, Sanji,” he wheezed, “it was just a joke.” He took another look at Sanji’s horror-stricken face and cracked up again. “Seriously, that’s just wrong. It’d be like doing your kid brother or something.”
Sanji nodded dumbly. The very thought of sex with Luffy erased every trace of arousal he had, leaving him stunned and somewhat mindless. Why, oh why had he been struck with this curse? Eternally frustrated by Nami, rejected by Usopp, and now he was even considering his own hand as a ready substitute. His hand! Hands were too important to waste on... on masturbation. The very thought filled him with disgust. And yet, now it was looking more and more appealing; indeed, it might be the only option he had left.
“You know what,” he said throwing his hands up in defeat. “Fine. You win, I won’t bug you any more. I’m going to fix dinner.”
“You do that,” said Usopp, giving Luffy a noogie.
Sanji stalked into the inn’s tiny kitchen and opened up the icebox. He heard a loud thump from outside, but when he went to the window to check, he didn’t see anything. Slightly confused, he went back to the icebox and checked the contents.
“One fish, two fish...” he murmured. “A red fish? A blue fish? And some peas.” He lifted the fish out of the icebox and stood up, one in each hand. “I can do something with this.”
He sighed. It was a lie. He couldn’t do anything. Or, rather, he couldn’t get anything to do him. It didn’t make sense. He kept himself in shape, he could cook, he was a great dresser, so why? He dropped bonelessly to the ground and lay down, staring up at the ceiling. The fish were lifeless in his hands. Just like his love life.
His eyes widened as a sudden thought occurred to him. Maybe he couldn’t get laid--maybe Nami-san never gave him the time of day because... because... did his eyebrows look funny?
“I don’t believe it,” he groaned, clutching the fish tightly. “All this time, Nami-san’s been ignoring me because of my eyebrows?”
Unbeknownst to Sanji, the loud thump he’d heard had been caused by Zoro hitting the ground next to the kitchen window after jumping from Nami’s second-story room. He moaned softly as he regained his breath and shifted.
“I don’t believe it,” he groaned. “All this time, I’ve been able to survive a two-story fall?”
“My only comfort was the thought that she would eventually come around!” Sanji cried, tears spilling from his eyes.
“My only comfort was the thought that I could eventually die like Kuina!” Zoro cried, tears spilling from his eyes.
“Nami-san, why didn’t you tell me?”
“Kuina, why did you abandon me?”
“How can I live, knowing that you find me so repulsive?”
“How can I live, knowing that you’re still laughing at me?”
“All Blue is a joke! I’ll never find it, never!”
“The World’s Greatest Swordsman? What a joke! I’ll never beat Mihawk, never!”
“I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!” they cried out in unison.
Sanji wept for a few moments, then sat up, wiping his eyes. His tears weren’t going to fix dinner, and nobody wanted to sleep with a crybaby. He stood and slapped the fish down onto the counter, a new fire in his eyes as a new idea fired his brain. If nobody else wanted to see him naked, well, then...
In the meantime, Zoro alternately cried and napped, until one last sob shook him out of it. If he wanted to be the World’s Greatest Swordsman, he didn’t have time to sit around weeping. He sat up and wiped the tears from his eyes.
“OK,” he said to himself. “I’m OK. I can do this. I’m Roronoa Zoro, ex-pirate hunter and soon-to-be Greatest Swordsman in the--huh?” He blinked as he realized it was dark out, and the only light in the area was coming from right by his head. Curious, he looked through the window the light was coming from. His eyes nearly dropped out at what he saw.
“Straw-ber-ry sex!” Sanji sung. He danced in time with the music, causing his apron strings to wiggle enticingly over his... Zoro gulped. His very nice, very nude ass. One of Zoro’s hands found Wadou Ichimonji’s hilt and gripped it tightly. He couldn’t tear his eyes off the sight of the Love Chef dancing naked around the kitchen, his clothing thrown haphazardly on the floor. “It’s a wonderful world!” Sanji sung, oblivious to his audience.
“It is a wonderful world,” Zoro muttered, continuing to watch. Too soon, though, Sanji stopped his one-man strip show and got dressed. Zoro realized his hand had cramped from holding his sword too tightly, and he forced himself to let go, only to grip it again when Sanji bent over to check the oven.
“Ah, good,” said Sanji, straightening up. “It’s ready.” He put on a pair of oven mitts, and Zoro forcefully stopped himself from drooling when he bent over again to pull a large pan of something from the oven. While Zoro had never developed his sense of taste, it looked appetizing enough: something meaty combined with noodles and some kind of white sauce baked on top. Casserole? Zoro didn’t care. As long as he could eat it and it wouldn’t kill him, it was good.
Sanji turned around and lit a cigarette. Zoro stared at for a moment at his crotch, which looked even more appetizing than the food despite being concealed. Then he shook himself out of it. He wasn’t thinking about having sex with Sanji. No, he wasn’t. He was just... comparing. Yeah. Sanji put the oven mitts back on and grasped the casserole dish, preparing to serve the rest of the crew, smiling a wicked smile. “I hope they like my... special sauce,” he said, chuckling menacingly as he exited the kitchen.
Zoro stared at his retreating ass, then blinked as Sanji’s words came back to him. Sanji’s special sauce? Since when had he had a special sauce? Then his eyes widened in horror. There was exactly one “sauce” special to Sanji alone, and given his earlier dancing and general perviness...
He wouldn’t. Would he? Zoro thought back to Sanji throwing himself at Usopp earlier. Yes, he would. He leapt to his feet and ran towards what he hoped was the entrance to the inn. He had to warn them! He had to warn Luffy!
Zoro ran twice around the inn at full speed before he found the right door. He kicked it open, shocking the rest of the crew, who were seated at a corner table, silverware out. “No, you guys, don’t eat it!” he shouted. “It’s got love in it!”
“Doesn’t taste like love to me,” Luffy said, taking a bite. Zoro fell to his knees. Luffy, sweet innocent Luffy, corrupted by that--that hussy!
Nami eyed her forkful before placing it gingerly in her mouth. Her eyes widened. “Sanji-kun, you really put a lot of work into this!”
“Of course, Nami-san!” Sanji crooned. “I made it for you!” He smiled a wicked smile and sank down onto Usopp’s lap. “And for you too, of course,” he purred, running his hands up and down Usopp’s overall straps. Zoro held his breath, holding the blood vessels in his nose intact by sheer force of will. “So, Usopp,” Sanji continued, “now that you’ve had my appetizer of love, want the main dish?”
“And what would that be?” Usopp purred back, resting a hand on Sanji’s hip. Nami glared at the two of them. Luffy growled and latched onto Usopp’s shoulder again. Zoro tried to keep himself from fainting. Damnit, he’d lost almost all the blood in his body fighting Arlong and his goons, he was not going to pass out from a little sexplay. No matter how desperately he wanted to be in Sanji’s place. He stood to leave the room, but had to lean against the doorway for support when Sanji started talking again.
“Well,” Sanji said, “I figure we’ll start with 3 O’Clock Pudding, and then move onto, hmm, how about a Rump Roast?”
Zoro’s eyes widened in hunger. What he wouldn’t give for some nice, tender loin chops--lamb chops, lamb chops damnit! But his resolve to think un-sexy thoughts was destroyed when he again noticed Usopp’s shiny buttons, and his long, curly hair, and his smooth tan skin, and his oh-so-shapely nose...
He shook his head. He did not have time for this. As far as he was concerned, this was all just a really strange hangover. Nothing a little sleep wouldn’t fix. He took exactly one step toward the stairs, and then a crash drew his attention back to the drama in the dining room. Sanji was now sprawled out on the table in a very provocative position, staring up at Usopp in surprise. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could Usopp cut him off.
“Look, Sanji,” he said, “I know you’re lonely, and I might have led you on a little bit just now, but I meant what I said before, and I still mean it: I don’t want you.”
“But...” Sanji said, his eyes tearing up. “But Usopp...”
“No buts. This has to stop.” Sanji’s eyes hardened. Zoro quietly loosened his swords in their scabbards, prepared to fight Sanji if he dared attack Usopp.
“Fine then!” Sanji yelled. “Don’t sleep with me! But answer me this: who’ll sleep with you now, huh? Where are you gonna get your nookie, if not with me?”
“I have my ways,” Usopp answered suavely. Then he leaned down next to Nami and whispered in her ear. “Hey Nami,” he said, “wanna help me... practice my aim?”
Nami shuddered and looked away. “Would you stop asking me that?”
“But Nami,” Usopp answered, then lowered his voice so that Zoro couldn’t hear. Whatever he said must’ve worked, though, because Nami blushed to match her hair. “And that’s no lie, sugar,” Usopp said as he pulled away.
“Maybe... just this once,” Nami said. “If you promise to leave me alone after this.”
“Oh, I’ll leave you alone, all right,” Usopp said, his voice dropping several octaves. Zoro discreetly adjusted his crotch. “I won’t have to ask again; you’ll come begging when I’m through with you.”
As one, Zoro, Nami and Sanji gulped.
“Hey, Usopp,” Luffy piped in. Zoro blinked. He’d forgotten his captain in the heat of the moment, but the poor guy was still draped over Usopp like a cape. “Can I come too?”
Usopp considered it for a moment. “Will you call me Captain?” he asked.
“Aye aye, Captain!” Luffy answered happily.
“Well then!” Usopp said cheerfully. He ruffled Luffy’s hair, swung Nami up over his shoulder and patted her ass fondly. “Let’s get to it, then!”
“Usopp, put me down!” Nami shouted, but didn’t put up much of a fight as Usopp swaggered up the stairs, his two prizes in tow. Once they were out of sight, Zoro let out a breath he’d forgotten he’d been holding. Then his eyes welled up with tears again.
Usopp... hadn’t even noticed he was there after his initial outburst. But he’d taken Luffy with him. So it wasn’t that he exclusively liked women. That meant...
A single tear escaped. That meant Usopp didn’t love him! No one loved him! He’d never have someone to hold him, and tell him it’d be all right, and listen to him talk about Kuina, and he’d never ever be happy again!
At that thought, he buried his face in his hands and let loose the flood.
