Sanji stared at the ceiling, wishing he had a fish to commiserate with. He lit a cigarette and took a drag. Not a bad substitute, but not quite a fish... or sex.
He narrowed his eyes. Usopp was such a jerk! Getting him all worked up, then running off with Luffy and his Nami-san! And after he’d so generously offered to share! And what was Usopp doing now, after he’d claimed that he didn’t share? He was doing two of them! And with that nose! It was even more funny-looking than his eyebrows!
He turned over on his side. Still, he couldn’t deny that he was attracted to the man, desperately so. Then again, he was desperately attracted to anyone and everyone right now. What he wouldn’t give for a good screw. With anyone. He rolled back over onto his back and closed his eyes. Then he unbuttoned the first button on his dress shirt, letting his hand linger sensually.
“Ah, Nami-san... Uso-chan...”
“Um, sir?” Sanji cracked an eye open and glared irritably at the bartender, who was hovering next to the table like a worried mother bird. “Your antics here just scared off my only other customers... could you please not, ah, do that on my table?”
Sanji growled, but reluctantly shoved himself off the table and brushed himself off. Then he headed towards the stairs and the room Usopp and company were not occupying.
“Sir?” the bartender ventured meekly. Sanji turned slightly and gave him a look which would’ve sent a grown sea monster running.
“Yes?” he said, biting hard on his cigarette. He wanted release and he wanted it now, even if he had to make do with his own hand!
“Your friend, the swordsman,” the bartender continued. “He seems a little, ah, down.” He gestured to the side, and Sanji finally saw what he’d been missing all this time.
Zoro was standing in a corner of the room, face buried in his hands. His shoulders shook, and every so often a quiet sob floated across the room. The sound tugged at Sanji’s heart.
Of course, that wasn’t all it tugged at.
He crossed the room in six easy strides and tilted Zoro’s head up. “Hey, hey,” he said, wiping a tear from Zoro’s disbelieving face with his thumb. “What’s wrong, Zoro?”
Zoro gulped, tried to speak, then shook his head and started sobbing again. Sanji rubbed his back soothingly and drew Zoro into a gentle embrace, resting the other man’s head on his shoulder. He ran his fingers through Zoro’s short hair and whispered into his ear.
“You wanna talk about this?” he asked. Zoro nodded against his shoulder. “Let’s get you a bite to eat and go somewhere more private, then. One of the rooms?” Zoro nodded again, and Sanji released him from his embrace. He took Zoro by the hand and led him up the stairs, smirking.
He was so getting laid.
Several minutes later, Sanji and Zoro were seated on the bed in the room that Nami had occupied the previous night. Well, not so much seated; Zoro was curled up on Sanji’s lap, and Sanji was stroking his back and nuzzling the back of his neck as Zoro poured his heart out to him. The empty casserole occupied the floor next to the bed.
“...and how can I be the World’s Greatest Swordman if I can never beat her?” he asked tearfully.
“I don’t know,” Sanji replied. “But you should know that, no matter what happens, you’ll always be the first swordsman of my heart.”
Zoro gasped, then raised his head. “You... you mean that?”
“Of course,” Sanji said. He neglected to mention that Zoro was the only true swordsman he knew. Zoro’s eyes flickered to Sanji’s lips and back again, and Sanji knew it was time. He applied gentle pressure to the back of Zoro’s head, and Zoro started to drift forward, his eyes sliding shut...
Sanji smiled. At last, he’d get laid, have sex, do the dirty, dance the mattress mambo. After 19 years of life with only his own hand for company, he’d finally have the company of someone else’s! Specifically, the hand of a certain swordsman. A certain swordsman who had a great body and a nice ass...
...and an ugly face, he remembered. And an annoying personality. And green hair. And worst of all, no breasts. Zoro opened his eyes and stared him straight in the eye.
“KYAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Zoro shouted, leaping off of Sanji and halfway across the room.
“What the hell do you think you were doing, you... you sword-fondler!” Sanji shouted back. Zoro drew all three swords, caught the white one in his mouth, and backed into a corner, eyes wild.
“Speak for yourself, you shitty pervert chef!” he growled around the hilt. “You were coming onto me!”
“I was not!” Sanji said, leaping off the bed and landing on one foot. The other he raised in preparation for a fight.
“Were to!”
“Was not!”
“Were to!”
They stared at each other in silence, breathing heavily. Then Sanji slowly lowered his foot. “C’mon, Zoro,” he said, reaching into his pocket for yet another cigarette. “It’s obvious neither of us planned that to happen, or even wanted it to. Put those away, you might hurt someone.”
“That’s the point,” Zoro said, but soon relaxed a bit. Keeping a wary eye on him, Zoro slid one, two, then all three swords back into their scabbards. Then he flopped down on the floor. “So, why’d we do that anyway? I can’t remember.”
“Must’ve been the Uke-Uke Fruit acting up,” Sanji mused. “But I wonder why it suddenly wore off?”
“Doesn’t really matter, does it?” Zoro asked, yawning. “I just hope it wore off on the others too, or else they’re literally fucked.”
Sanji froze. “What did you say?”
“I said, I hope it wore off--hey!” Sanji grabbed Zoro by the arm, flung open the door, and dragged him down the hall.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Zoro yelled.
“Nami-san’s in danger!” Sanji answered, trying to remember which room had been theirs the previous night. “And you hit on me earlier, so you’re gonna help me save her. You owe me.”
“I was hitting on you?”
Sanji found the door and paused in front of it, bracing himself. If those pigs had hurt her, if they’d touched even one little hair on her head... He took a deep breath and kicked the door open.
Nami was tied to the bed with thick rope, only partially clothed and squirming. She looked at him and smiled gratefully. “Oh, Sanji-kun...” she said. “They heard you coming and ran away! Thank you! How can I ever repay you?” She wiggled her firm bottom enticingly, and Sanji sauntered forward to claim his prize--
“Sanji, what are you staring at?” Usopp’s voice broke Sanji out of his fantasy, and he looked around at what was actually going on in the room. Nami, Usopp and Luffy were seated in a circle on the bed, playing cards. All were fully clothed. He leaned against the door frame in relief.
“You guys, you’re not--”
“Nope!” Luffy said cheerfully. “Wore off a while ago. You?”
“Yeah, just in time,” Sanji answered, suppressing a shudder at what might have been. Then he narrowed his eyes. “You guys didn’t do anything to Nami-san, did you?”
“One king,” Nami answered, playing a card. “Sanji-kun, nothing happened. Believe me, they wouldn’t still be here if they had.”
“Phew,” Sanji said.
“The one thing that confuses me, though,” Nami continued. “Why’d it wear off so suddenly?”
Sanji thought for a moment, then smiled a brilliant smile. “The love!” he cried. “The love I put into dinner! It must’ve somehow canceled out the Devil Fruit!” He clenched his hands into fists, tears in his eyes. “The power of my love, it’s saved us!”
“Yeah,” said Zoro, still on the floor. “One taste of your love would cure anyone of lust.”
Sanji glared at Zoro and lifted his foot to kick him, but Nami’s sweet voice interrupted him. “Sanji-kun,” she said, “come play cards with us. I’ll deal you in next game.”
“Anything you wish, Nami-san!” Sanji crooned, taking a place on the bed beside her.
“Now here, you see, I have four aces--”
“Bullshit, Usopp.”
“Aw, crap!” After Usopp had gathered the humongous pile of cards into his hands, Luffy put a card of his own down, then glanced at Zoro.
“Hey, Zoro,” he said, “wanna play with us?”
Zoro, however, was asleep.
