Hard to write in a moving bus. I'd do this on my laptop, but it's easier to hide what I'm doing this way. The guys suspect that I'm writing lyrics, it's what I usually do when something is on my mind. Better that they think that and leave me alone. I just can't talk about it yet. The past two concerts have been a disaster. I get as far as "More Than That" and then I lose it. I can't fucking believe that I cried onstage last night. Howie's the only one who noticed, I think. Everyone else just thought I was getting into the song like always. How am I going to do this?

Nick won’t tell anyone what’s going on but I can see what Becca’s disappearance is doing to him. He thinks he’s fooling everyone pretending to work on lyrics but I know better. I’ve been in his shoes and I sorta know what he’s feeling. At least I knew where Sarah was when we broke up! Nick has no clue.

I talked to Sarah tonight. She sounded good, but worried about Howie. Howie's fine, he's just worried about Sarah. I didn't tell her that, didn't need to. She knows. I know she'd like to help me, but she's gotta help herself first. I try not to feel this way, but a part of me is angry with Sarah for not being around. Is that shitty, or what? I know she needs help, but damn it, if she wasn't in treatment she could be out there helping me find Becca. Makes me sound like a real asshole, doesn't it?

Caught the guys on ‘The View’. Howie looked so sweet! He looked tired too and Kevin tried to explain it by saying they’d had to get up REALLY early after doing a show last night. I know better. Howie and I were on the phone last night after the show until almost 4 AM. He sounded so good! We didn’t mean to talk that long but I couldn’t sleep and Howie wanted to make things better for me. He sang to me and told me all the little details of what was going on with the tour. Nick’s having a hard time not being able to find Becca. He’s talked to Howie just about every day. Nick has even called me but he knows there’s nothing I can do right now to help him.

Sarah and I talked until 4 AM!! She sounded so good…relieved. I can’t wait to see her. I think I’m going to fly down for Valentine’s Day and surprise her. We have that day off and it will be the half-way point for her!

Nick just left. He put up a good front for the cameras this morning on ‘The View’ but we all knew he was hurting inside. He snapped when AJ mentioned Sarah and I could tell he’s angry with her.

A better night last night, almost, except for the dream. Why do they always come at 4 a.m.? I never quite seem to get back to sleep again. It was the same one, always the same one. He ruined my life and now, in his death, he haunts my sleep. In that twilight time just before daybreak he comes to me, reminding me of all that I have lost and how he'll never be more than a stone's throw from my thoughts. I wish ... sometimes I wish ... no, that's morbid. Even in death he would haunt me, and so I live. For what? I can't really say. Everything I had to live for is thousands of miles away.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and we’re going to be apart. I miss Howie so much but at least the nightmares have stopped. During the first few days here, I ‘confessed’ to my counselor and it has helped. Thank god for doctor/patient confidentiality. I feel better and I’ve started to eat again. I’m working through my feelings and seeing that what Russell did to me is surfacing now because of the stalking.

I haven’t talked to Becca. In fact, Howie said Nick hasn’t heard from her either. I wish I knew where to start looking for her. It’ll have to wait until I’m out of here. There are days when I want to wring her neck but most of the time, I feel sorry for her. Andrew hurt her so much and then Nick came bounding into her life. He’s so exactly opposite of her. I guess that’s why they’re so good together.

I wish I could be there to see the look on Howie’s face when he gets my surprise. I talked to Nick and he agreed to help me. He’s going to buy two dozen red and white balloons with a single red rose in each of them and give them to Howie for me.

I feel a little better today. I had a long talk with Sarah and agreed to help her surprise Howie. I guess it helps make the holiday a little easier for me. I just hope that wherever Becca is, that she knows how much I love her.

Valentine’s Day is almost over with and I am on Cloud 9. Howie flew from Chicago here to be with me for the day. He convinced my doctors to let me have a day away and they agreed that I had progressed so much that it would be a good reward. He brought me a dozen red roses from the guys and they called me too but he changed things on me. Instead of a single red rose, Howie gave me a single white rose…eternal love. I cried when he told me why he changed from red to white. He also gave me a pair of earrings that were angels along with a ton of stuffed animals that he’d collected from the fans. He said they sent them to me since I wasn’t able to join him on tour just yet. We also talked about that. I’m going to join him after I get out for a couple weeks, at least until my birthday, and then I’ll head back to Orlando.

Valentine's Day. God, will this nightmare never end? I walk the snow-covered sidewalks and the hearts and flowers assail me from every direction. A day for lovers. He should be here. No, I should be *there*, wherever he is. I realize that I have no idea where he is today and I weep. On the downtown streets of my new hometown, I weep and the tears freeze in their tracks. Cold, I am so cold. So I return to my new home, all two rooms, and shut myself away from the cold world once again.

I just got in from Florida and Sarah’s Valentine’s gift was waiting for me! She really outdid herself! Seeing her was AMAZING! Her eyes were as bright as the day I met her and there was no fear in them. It was my ‘Angel’…complete and almost healthy! Just a couple more weeks and I’ll be able to hold her close again. I miss the feeling of her in my arms. I want to propose to her as soon as possible and I have to make sure it’s got to be romantic!

Sound checks are in thirty minutes. I’ve gotta go find some silly string for AJ! Time to get even with him for embarrassing Sarah in Ft. Lauderdale that first night.

Nick is REALLY getting worse. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t get past ‘More Than That’ without crying.

I’ve got to bring Sarah to Denver! It’s snowing here and she would love it. Kevin’s stuck in LA and won’t make the show tonight. It’s going to be strange and the guys will look to me to hold it all together. Kevin may be the vocal-take-charge one but I’m always there in the background! God, I wish Sarah were here! 8 more days and I’ll have her in my arms again. She’s going to meet me in Oakland and I’ve already sent her the ticket! I feel kinda guilty for being so happy with Nick miserable but I can’t help it. Sarah and I have been through so damn much in the two years we’ve been together. It’s time for us to have some happiness and I’m going to make sure she gets it!

Denver, the Mile High City. And no fucking Kevin. I get weird enough vibes being in this town and now Kevin can't get in because of the damn weather. It's fucking COLD here! How anyone could live here on purpose is beyond me.

They were here last night. Oh God, so close to me. I wanted to be there but I was afraid. I actually drove by the venue and saw their buses parked out back. There was a huge traffic jam, and as I was trying to make up my mind whether or not to stop I saw Raoul talking to Billy and I floored it. I just can't face him yet. Sarah's right when she tells me I'm spineless. I'm pathetic. I see in the paper this morning that Kevin never made it here from Los Angeles, so I know the rest of them were going nuts without him. I could have made Nick feel better, but I wasn't there, was I?

Tomorrow is it! I feel like my old self again. Strong, happy, and confident. No more nightmares…only dreams of a future with Howie. And what beautiful dreams they are!! Howie sent me a ticket so that I can meet them in Oakland. God, I can’t wait to see him.

I talked to each of the guys briefly. Kevin sounded good and relieved that I was better. Nick, poor Nicky! The first thing I’m going to do is hug him when I see him. He’s hurting so bad from what Becca’s done. He said he’s emailed her two and three times a day ever since she left but she hasn’t responded. I know her. Wherever she is, she has her computer and she’s getting online. Hopefully when I get out of here and can get to my computer, I can get hold of her.

I’ve had time to think about things while I’ve been here and I think I know what’s going on with Becca. Andrew died of AIDS. I know Nick and Becca have had unprotected sex but I wonder if Becca and Andrew did. I’d be willing to lay money that’s what has her terrified. She HAS to tell Nick if that’s the case. He needs to know. I’m going to keep this to myself though, well, between Howie and me, until I’m sure about it.

Won’t this DAMN bus go any faster? I talked to Sarah last night and she had me so damn hard! I woke this morning from a damn wet dream. I feel like such a teenager!!

Nick is riding with me. Right now, he’s curled up on the couch and cried himself to sleep. I hope Sarah can get through to him and help him.

I'm so tired. God, so tired. I can't remember ever feeling this way, not even when I was so ill last December. I really need to snap out of this and find work. I've been fooling myself, thinking I could live forever off of my savings. Once again I sigh. I seem to be doing that a great deal these days. I actually checked my email today for the first time. Seventy five messages from Nickerz80 before my email program locked up and refused to download the rest. They were all the same. God, why won't he stop? Why can't he give up? Please .... why?

March           Bittersweet Interlude Index             The Dance Saga Index