The counselors suggested finding a way of getting my feelings out so I guess writing is as good a way as any. Howie had to go to the club tonight and he wanted me to go too but I needed some time alone. I had a feeling that Russell would call and I was right. I asked him to meet me at the marina tomorrow. I don’t want to tell Howie though. I have to protect him because this will destroy his career if I get caught. He CAN NOT know….but I know he’ll figure it out the minute he sees me. He knows me so well.

It’s almost midnight and I just got back from the club. I missed having Sarah by my side but she needed some down time and I respect that. I want to go to her now and hold her but I made a promise that I have to keep. Her counselors want her to keep a journal so that she can write down her feelings, a way of ‘purging’ herself rather than throwing up! I agreed to do it too so here I am. It’s not too bad! We did this with the ‘Millennium’ tour so that we could see what we each went through while we were apart.

Today’s the day. Howie’s gone into Orlando to rehearse with the guys and he’s going to pick me up at seven. I told him that I was moving the boat because of the storm. I’ve always been terrified of nor‘easters…funny to think I’d be scared of a simple storm…but I’m grateful for this one. It’s the perfect cover for me to do what I have to do.

I’ve thought about my relationship with Russell. I’ve come to realize that I never loved him. I just wanted to belong…I needed to fit in. It’s ironic that I would feel that way because everyone’s perception of me is that I’m so secure, strong, and self-confident. I guess at one time I was but Russell managed to totally destroy that in me. Howie has built that back up and I love him for it. He also showed me what true love was. I never had these feelings for Russell. I can’t live without Howie in my life. I need to feel his arms around me at night. I need to hear his voice every day. The way he calls me ‘Angel’; the way he looks at me when we make love; his gentle touch; the way he smiles when he’s up to something; even his anger over something I’ve done to aggravate him or when Nicky has been picking on him about his height; I need it all.

Sarah was in a really strange mood today before I left. She’s taken some time off to be with me but she didn’t go with me to rehearsal…she had planned to originally. Anyway, back to her mood. I guess it was just because of the weather forecast. They’re calling for a major nor’easter and Sarah is TERRIFIED of storms. Still, she agreed to move my boat for me from the Cocoa Beach Marina to a harbor about 2 hours up the coast. It’s safer there and it’s where I store it when I’m away anyway. I don’t like the idea of her doing it alone, especially with the storm and Russell still being on the loose but there isn’t anyone to go with her. Tonight should be fun! Sarah will want me to hold her during the storm and the sex will be AWESOME…not that it isn’t any other time but there’s something different during storms. It’s like the intensity of the storm drives her.

I have only been through such a range of emotions once before when I found out I was pregnant with Howie’s baby. Fear, guilt, disgust, relief, regret, joy, power…First, being with Russell completely disgusted me. He touched me and I felt dirty, like I had been violated. He even had the nerve to ask me if Howie was as good as him in bed. I wanted to laugh in his face. Russell had no clue about making love. Then, seeing Russell being devoured by the sharks. God forgive me…. it was the most scintillating feeling ever. A rush of power, ecstasy, relief, and guilt washed over me all at the same time.

I was right. Howie knew I’d done ‘the deed’ the minute he saw me. Poor Kevin, though. He came with Howie to pick me up and he had no clue. Then I blew him off. I’ve NEVER done that before. Even Howie was somewhat confused by my reaction to Kevin but he didn’t pressure me.

Why did I blow Kevin off? I guess because he knows me almost as well as Howie and he’ll know too. I CAN NOT let ANYONE else know. This HAS to stay between Howie and me. I don’t like hurting Kevin because next to Howie, he’s my best male friend in the whole world.

DAMN! How blind can I be? I should have known something was up yesterday with Sarah’s strange mood but I guess I was too preoccupied with the tour and leaving Sarah behind. We had talked about it but I never thought Sarah would actually go through with killing Russell. God knows, I’ve wanted to, especially the night he hit her. When I got to the marina and took her in my arms, she was physically shaking but I figured she was scared because of the storm so it stood to reason that she was shaking. But then she blew Kevin off. THAT should have been when I realized what was going on. Sarah and Kevin are close and she’s always confided in him. I guess I was stunned that she’d treat him like that but if she was trying to protect me…it stands to reason. When we got home and John told me the police had found Russell’s car near the marina, I realized EXACTLY what had happened and I felt like a heel. I found her in the shower, curled up in the corner, crying and my heart was in my throat. I’ve only been this scared once before, Halloween night. It made me sick to my stomach to think that he had touched her…MY ANGEL. The son of a bitch TOUCHED her. It’s a good thing he’s already dead because I would definitely have killed him after this. Before she would let me hold her, she asked if I still wanted her. God, I couldn’t love her any more if I tried. She did this for me…to protect me. If I didn’t know before, I know now…THIS IS FOREVER. This whole thing sealed our destiny!

The executives from Jive and The Firm threw a HUGE party at Planet Hollywood last night for the kick off of the Black and Blue tour. Everyone who was anyone related to this tour was there, including Lisa, Howie’s dance partner. I just don’t think she gets it…Howie IS NOT interested in her in that way. Howie was cordial to her but he made it clear that I was his lady…his angel. Gee…I sound like a jealous girlfriend. Sometimes I wonder if she ever tempts Howie. She is attractive.

And the press! Oh, they were such a delight to deal with….NOT! I guess my feelings about Howie leaving so soon are starting to show.

God…Kevin couldn’t hide the hurt. Every time I looked at him, I could see it in his eyes. It was so hard avoiding him but Howie stayed right beside me.

Nicky was SO TRASHED last night (we all were for that matter, except Becca and Sonja) and Becca was so PISSED off at him. But, DAYUM, Nick is no boy! He stripped for Becca…and I mean strip. He did the full Monty right down to bare skin!! Ali and Ness were right there with me cheering him on but Becca….oh, Becca! She was SO embarrassed. I swear….I could have jumped the boy myself!! I certainly don’t want to be in Nick’s place today. I’m sure that they are having the arguments to beat all arguments today.

Talk about hangovers! I woke this morning with the Mount Rushmore of hangovers and Howie could only laugh at me. I know he was drunk too but he NEVER seems to get a hangover.

Spent the day with Howie’s family here at the condo. It was a WONDERFUL way to relax. Angie made a comment about living together but Howie’s parents didn’t comment. I know they don’t approve but they don’t say anything. Howie and I are a lot alike in that we’re both the babies of our families and we get away with murder….I can’t believe I used that phrase.

All eyes were on us last night! I didn’t want to let go of Sarah. If I could have gotten out of going, I’d have stayed at home and held her close to me. How in the hell am I going to do this tour? Somehow, I have to figure out a way to have her with me.

Kevin kept staring at Sarah all night. I guess her whole attitude towards him has hurt him. I have to admit, I’m somewhat puzzled by it myself. It’s REALLY not like her to treat him this way.

Sarah…she was so wasted last night. I know what she’s doing but it’s no use telling her…least ways, not last night. Drinking isn’t going to erase the problem. I tried when we were having problems and it actually made things worse for us.

I can’t believe she told everyone that she sleeps with my boxers under her pillow. Sure am glad she doesn’t know that I have her the little stuffed Pooh Bear she gave me when we first started dating under my pillow when we’re on tour. I actually slept with it on the World Tour and AJ got a picture of me with it . He’s threatened to show Sarah on several occasions. She’ll eventually see it if I know AJ.

Nick made a complete ass of himself and embarrassed Becca completely. All she wanted to do was be alone with him before we left on tour. When the party started to break up, he should have taken her home. He knows how she feels about all the fame and glory that goes with career. Nick should show as much respect to her feelings that Becca gives his career. That’s the kid in Nicky I guess. I’m lucky that Sarah is so understanding. I guess I eased her into this ‘circus’ a little easier than Nick did. Of course, Sarah has always been more ‘worldly’ than Becca too.

Spent the day with my family. Angie made a snide comment about us living together but Daddy let it go. I know my parents don’t approve but they do love Sarah and have welcomed her completely. Daddy even asked when we were getting married. I hope to be able to ask her on Valentine’s Day but it depends on how she handles her bulimia and my being away.

Howie and I spent the day together since the tour starts tomorrow night. It was a welcome relief to have Howie to myself. He woke me with breakfast in bed and I actually felt like eating today and not wanting to throw up. Howie and I made plans for this week since I'm off. I’m going with them to the Ft. Lauderdale shows and then to Charlotte and Atlanta. Then we’re coming back to Tampa for the Super Bowl and Nicky’s birthday party. After that, I’ll have to say good-bye to him. I am NOT looking forward to that. I’m scared of being without him, of disappointing him. I know I have to control the bulimia but it’s so hard when I don’t have him beside me. And Russell….he’s dead but he KEEPS HAUNTING MY DREAMS. I’ve woken several times in the night screaming and Howie has been there each time to hold me. He’s worried too but he won’t admit it. I can see it in his eyes and I can hear it in his voice.

Things look bright. Sarah was actually hungry today but the nightmares are starting again. She’s told me that they are about Russell and what she did! I certainly hope that writing her feelings down is helping her to deal with her feelings and she can get through this.

The police called today. Seems Russell’s car is the only thing they can locate. He’s disappeared and they have decided not to pursue it any further. They said to call if he went back to harassing me. It looks like I got away with murder…the real thing!!

We leave shortly for Ft. Lauderdale and Sarah is coming with me. She’s taken off until the end of the month and is going to Charlotte, Atlanta, and the Super Bowl with me.

The police called early this morning and my heart was in my throat. I don’t know what I would do if Sarah got caught because the thought of losing her is too much to even consider. It seems that they aren’t really concerned with his disappearance and told us to call if he bothered Sarah again.

The show was awesome last night. The guys have such a HIGH level of intensity. And Howie!! God, I was so proud of him. He is such a showman. He gave to the audience every bit of himself and when he did that little salsa number the first time, he was standing right in front of where the others and I were sitting and he looked right at me. He knows what he does to me when he does that. I felt like I was sitting in a puddle of water the rest of the night.

Having Sarah in the audience is the most amazing feeling! I found myself wanting to stay right in front of her the whole night. I gave her my ‘Salsa’ move that she loves so much and I thought she was going to climb on stage with me. Becca and Ali had to pull her back in her seat. God…I was so hard for her! Thankfully, my pants are baggy enough that no one could tell. Then the greeting she gave me when I came off the stage! I KNOW I could get use to that!

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