I woke this morning in a cold sweat! Howie was nowhere to be found and I had had a nightmare…the same one about Russell. Will this man EVER leave me alone? After breakfast, I had to purge. I had to get rid of these feelings. Ali caught me but she promised not to tell Howie or the others.

Sarah was sleeping so peacefully that I didn’t have the heart to wake her so I went down to do some promo stuff. I had breakfast sent up to her and when I got back, she had finished it…well, at least the food was gone. She had this terrified look in her eyes and I knew she’d had another nightmare. I held her for the longest time and we stayed in the room until it was time for me to go do sound checks. I wish there were some way for me to take this all away from her. She says that holding her is enough but I know better. I have got to focus on the tour but Sarah needs me! I can’t stand the thought of leaving her and it’s eating away at my soul!

The trip to Charlotte was different. The motion of the bus was just like that of the boat on the ocean and all I could think about was what I had done to Russell and I spent most of the trip in the bathroom throwing up. Howie was by my side the entire time though and God, I love that man. He’s so good to me. We talked, when I wasn’t throwing up, and he’s feeling guilty for letting me do ‘it’. There was no reassuring him that I’d be okay. We also talked about Kevin. Seems Kevin has talked to him about how I’m treating him. Howie understands where I’m coming from and he said he’d deal with Kevin.

This whole damn mess is destroying Sarah. I see her falling apart day by day and there’s nothing I can do to stop it! The only answer left is for her to check into the clinic and get help. She hasn’t spoken to Kevin in several days but I understand why. She told me tonight it’s because she’s afraid that he will be able to tell what she’s done and she wants to keep him out of it. She can’t keep this up though.

Woke with a migraine today. The time to say good-bye is drawing closer and it’s beginning to take its toll on me. Howie too! He actually snapped at the others when they were giving him a hard time. Howie is usually pretty calm and laid back but not today. Kevin attempted to calm him down but that didn’t work either. That’s when they called me. I sat on the edge of the stage and even took Lisa’s place for part of the rehearsal. It seemed to pacify him long enough to get the sound check and rehearsal over with. After the sound check, we went back out to the bus where Howie immediately closed the door to the bunks and we made love. Afterwards, we lay in each other’s arms and cried ourselves to sleep. It kills me every time I see Howie cry. The show starts in just a few minutes so I’m headed in there. Jerry and Elizabeth are here and that’s helped some.

Not only is Sarah falling apart but so am I! I snapped at Kevin today during rehearsal and sound check. I need Sarah as much as she needs me! I told Lisa to get lost too and let Sarah stand in for her. Just having her near calms me. We made love tonight after the sound check and it was like we were never going to see each other again! The tears wouldn’t stop. I tried because I know that Sarah needs me to be strong for her but I couldn’t help it! This is WORSE than losing the baby! I’m scared of losing Sarah…I’m scared that she’s going to do something STUPID! How am I going to tell her that she needs to take the last step?

It’s been over a week since ‘the deed’ and I have had the same dream every night! Howie holds me close and it helps but it doesn’t stop the dream. I can’t take this any more. I’m driving Howie crazy and myself! I NEED to purge! I snuck away after breakfast and lunch and did it! I think Howie knows but he’s not saying anything. Kevin and AJ both tried to say something to me tonight because it’s obvious to them as well but Howie stepped in and told them to back off, it’s not their problem any more. I saw the hurt in their eyes but I can’t deal with that now.

DAMN AJ and KEVIN! They decided to talk to Sarah without me around about what’s going on. It’s obvious that Sarah is making herself throw up again. She’s lost weight and she’s pale. I can’t be mad at them though. They care about her too! I told them to just back off but I didn’t tell them that I’m going to talk to Sarah about the clinic.

Becca’s suppose to come to Nicky’s birthday party tonight. I can’t wait to see her. Nick said she’s been cool with the separation but I know better. She’s just not telling him. I can’t wait to see the guys perform at the Super Bowl. God…what an honor to sing the National Anthem to MILLIONS of people and Howie is doing the lead. I can’t tell him enough just how proud I am to be his girl.

What an AWESOME feeling to sing the National Anthem for SO MANY people! Sarah was with me and I could see the pride in her eyes. She’s SO supportive of me! I couldn’t ask for a better girlfriend! That’s why it kills me to see her like this!

Damn Becca!! She didn’t show up for Nick’s birthday party and he was so totally devastated! She tried to call but I couldn’t hear my cell phone over the noise. Howie and I had to face him and tell him that’s she’s gone! Seems Andrew died of AIDS and Becca got the news today. There are times when I want to kick her ass for being such a chicken-shit! She doesn’t deserve Nick if she’s going to turn tail and run EVERY DAMN TIME there’s a rough patch!

Howie and I talked this morning. I’m not eating and I’ve lost weight. The guilt and pain of what I did is taking its toll and we’ve both agreed that it’s time to take the treatment a step further. Becca’s disappearance was the last straw. I’ll have NO support once we say good-bye…well, I shouldn’t say that. I do have Howie’s family but I can’t even tell them everything. Howie has to be in Philly tomorrow night for a show so he’s agreed to take me to the facility today. The tears in his eyes are more than I can stand. Maybe I should have gotten Kevin or AJ to take me but they’ve already left, taking Vanessa and Ali with them. He’s got to fly to the next venue…ALONE. What have I done to him?

Man! My heart goes out to Nick! Becca never showed for his birthday party and after we left, Sarah realized that Becca had tried to call. Then we found Becca’s engagement ring and an article on the table at her place. Sarah and I had to tell Nick that she’s gone and he took it really hard. Sarah couldn’t stand it either. I know she feels completely abandoned with her best friend taking off to god only knows where and us leaving on tour. I can’t help feeling angry with Becca for doing this! I was really counting on her to be here for Sarah.

Sarah realized that she can’t do it any more! The relief is overwhelming! She agreed to check into the clinic and I told her I’d take her. I told the others and they all agreed that I need to do this. I’m going to meet them in Philly for the show after I get Sarah settled into the clinic. They were heartbroken but they know that it’s the right thing for Sarah. They want to see her well as much as I do.

My first day in treatment and I cried myself to sleep last night. Howie brought me here, helped me get checked in and settled, and then said good-bye. He promised to call every chance he got and that the first chance he could, he’d fly home to see me. I love him so damn much and it hurts like hell not to be able to see him but whether I’m here or at home, that’s going to be the same. I woke at 4 AM from the same nightmare that has plagued me for the last two weeks and this time, I didn’t have Howie’s arms to hold me. Instead, I held on to my Howie bear that Nicky gave me so long ago. Howie surprised me with him too. When he went back to get him for me, he put some of his cologne on him and when I hugged him tight last night, I could smell Howie. Another thing, Howie asked me to keep a separate journal just for him while we’re apart. It’s something we did with the ‘Millennium’ tour and it helped him. We exchanged it when we were together and read each other’s! It was really cool because I could see where some of the songs he’s written came from. Of course, now that I’m at the center, I really don’t have to write in this any longer. 30 days…

I took Sarah to the clinic and got her settled. I’m on the plane now and every time I close my eyes, I see the tears and the fear in her eyes. I have to focus on the end results…Sarah will be stronger and healthier and I’ll have my angel back completely…not the shell that I have now. I never realized just how much Russell destroyed her while they were together. This isn’t very Christian, but I have no remorse for what has happened to him.

An elderly lady saw me staring at a picture of Sarah while I was waiting for my flight and she commented on how obvious it is that I love her. I told her that Sarah was sick and she said she’d pray for Sarah…and for me. She was so sweet.

Now to face Nick and the others. Can I hold it together? I don’t think I can be the peacemaker this time around. I just don’t have the energy to deal with everyone else’s problems right now.

It's been years since I kept a journal, high school speech class, I believe. But, since I'm in self-imposed exile it's time I tried it again. It's been almost three days, three days since I left him. I think I've stopped shaking, but I'm not entirely certain. I ache. I hurt for my loss; I hurt for what I've done to him and I can't make it better. I can only pray that some day he'll forgive me. It has to be this way; I've no other choice. Maybe sleep will help, God knows I've had precious little.

We go onstage in 45 minutes. My first show since I had to leave everything I loved behind. It's been almost 48 hours since she left me. I now measure my life in hourly increments, and the hell of it is that I am so afraid it will soon become daily and weekly and then I can't even begin to think any further than that. This will be my first performance without her. Not that she was there for the Georgia and North Carolina dates, but we talked afterward, for hours. I want to call her ... I need her so bad. But Kevin's calling me time to take our places. God, can I do this?

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