Part 111
Howie rolled over to reach for Sarah but only found an empty bed. Sleepily, he looked around the room but couldn’t find her so he got up, pulled on some clothes, and made his way quietly downstairs. He searched everywhere in the house to no avail and then headed outside. Standing on the deck, he spotted her sitting on the swing.
As he made his way across the yard, Sarah looked up to see him. She wiped the tears and asked as he approached, "What are you doing up…or should I even ask?"
Putting his hands on the ropes, he leaned to her to kiss her, "No need to ask. You know I can’t sleep without you next to me. What are you doing up?"
"I had a dream and couldn’t get back to sleep."
"About your mother?"
"Yeah," she nodded. Then seeing the look he gave her, she added. "It was a good dream…. I just couldn’t get back to sleep. SOMEONE was snoring."
Howie laughed, "Damn! I didn’t see Kevin in the room when I got up."
Sarah laughed. "Goof!" as she playfully swatted at him.
Howie took her hands and pulled her up and into his arms. "Come back to bed, Angel."
"Ummm," she sighed as she ran her hands through his hair. "An interesting offer but I wanted to watch the sun come up."
Howie pouted, "Angel, you haven’t been getting much sleep lately."
Howie was right. She hadn’t been sleeping much lately between the late nights with AJ’s partying and now her mother’s death and the dreams. She knew he was worried so she said, "Don’t worry, when ALL this is over, I’ll rest."
"No, you won’t! I know you and you’re as bad as I am. The minute we
get back to Orlando, you'll bury yourself in the Youth Center or the restaurant
or the Foundation…."
"Speaking of which, I need to get busy on the cruise for December. Nick HAS
agreed to do it, hasn’t he?"
"See!" said Howie exasperated.
Sarah laughed, "D, you’re the one who put me in charge. What do you expect me to do?"
Howie threw his hands up in frustration. "I give up! Come on, let’s go watch the sun come up by the pond."
Sarah took Howie’s hand, weaving her fingers with his and they headed down to the pond. They picked a lounge chair facing the paleness in the sky and sat together, Howie in back with his arms wrapped tightly around his wife nuzzling her neck.
As they sat silently watching the changing shades of the sky as the sun began to make it’s way above the mountains, Sarah ran her fingers lightly over Howie’s arms. Softly, she said, "Howie, I’m not sure I can make it through today."
Howie kissed her lightly. "Angel, you CAN do it. You’ve been so strong, especially for Becca."
He felt her tears on his hands as she said, "That’s just it. I miss her so damn much and I’ve been so strong for everyone because THAT is what they expect. If I show the least little sign of giving in, breaking down, they all immediately think that I’m gonna go back to my old ways…including you."
That put Howie at a loss for words. "Sarah…that’s not true," he stammered. "I know you aren’t gonna go back to that…especially now that you know you’re pregnant. I’m sorry if I’ve given you that message. I’m just worried about you, that’s all. Damn, Sarah, you’ve…we’ve been through so much and I can’t help but worry about you. I love you so much that it hurts."
Sarah heard the tears in his voice. "I’m sorry, D. I know and you of all people have every right to worry. It just irritates me sometimes when Kevin and the others immediately assume…"
"I know. I feel the same way too," said Howie. "But you know, NOT telling everyone that you’re pregnant is just adding fuel to the fire, Angel. Becca suspects something and Nick’s worried too. They BOTH asked if you were okay last night at the visitation."
"I can’t tell anyone, D. I’m scared….of losing it, of who….."
"I know, Sarah….I know," whispered Howie into her hair.
They sat silently until the sun was well above the mountains and the world was awake. It was then that Sarah finally broke down and started to cry in earnest. Her body shook as she began to sob and Howie held her tight, whispering reassurances.
"God…Howie, she’ll never be able to give me advice. She won’t be in the delivery room to hold your hand when I deliver. She’ll never hold our babies or Becca’s…she’ll never be able to call me and tell me what happened while she was sitting in ‘our’ spot," she sobbed.
"Shhh….Angel! It’s okay. You’ve still got her in your heart and she’ll be watching over you every step of the way! You’ve got to believe that."
Sarah asked tearfully, "Do you believe Caroline is doing that for you?"
"Yeah, I do. I have my own guardian angel up there and I believe she’s the one who made sure that I was the one to pick Aaron up that day! Your mother, my sister, Kevin’s dad….Jesse, and our baby are together now, in a place FAR better than we are where it’s safe, warm, and they can watch out for us!"
Wiping the tears, Sarah asked, "Becca asked me twice yesterday how I managed to hold up with everything that’s happened. I don’t think she’ll EVER understand exactly what you do for me."
Howie smiled as he smoothed Sarah’s hair. "Oh, I expect she knows. Come on. I bet there are some girls hanging out at the house waiting to get a glimpse of Nick when he first wakes up."
Sarah laughed, "Oh, are THEY ever in for a surprise!"