Part 335
"I'll get it," Nick laughed, heading for the phone in the hallway. Right now he'd do anything to get out of the kitchen and the chaos that was ensuing in the wake of hurricane Jesse.
"Nick!" Jane called, but it was too late, he was already out the door.
"Hello?" he laughed as he answered, "Carter Asylum."
"Kaos? What's going on?"
"Brian! Long time no see!" Nick giggled, having just seen him not six hours before.
"Nick, I think the desert heat has already warped your brain." Brian chuckled and shook his head.
"Not yet, bro, give it time. So what's up? Don't tell me you're already having creative differences with the diva and need me to come help out."
"Diva? Nick my man, you'd better not let Howie or Becca hear you call her that. Your ass will be the proverbial grass."
"Nah, she's my sis, it's all good. So really, what's going on?" Nick took the cordless phone and sat on the bottom step of the staircase, leaning his elbows back on the fourth step up and stretching his long legs out into the entryway.
"Well, I said I'd call you." Brian hesitated before continuing.
"Rok? What's wrong?" Nick sat up straighter. Brian sounded different … unsure of himself.
"The guys … and Sarah … well, we're going to see Kellie and the baby later. We wanted to know if you want to go with us?"
Nick was speechless. This was the last thing he'd expected, and he'd thought that only Sarah and Howie were going. He'd just assumed that the others would be working on the recording or something.
"Nick?"
"Sorry." Nick sighed and wiped his hand across his face. "I … Brian, I can't," he said in a small voice.
"But Nick, he-"
"I know who he was, Bri. I just can't- I'm not ready for that. I’m sorry if that makes me sound like a bad person or something, but I just can't. I mean … there's Bec and GT and … Kellie has no one. I'm sorry." Nick wiped a tear from his face just as Becca came in to see what was going on.
"Hey Nick, man, it's ok. I'll explain it to the guys. And I'll give your love to Kellie, too."
"Thanks, Bri," Nick replied softly. "See you in Calgary."
Becca stood silently and watched Nick break the connection. He had a haunted look that she couldn't ever remember seeing and it scared her. Nick hadn't even seen her there, and she watched as he tossed the phone on the stairs, turned, and went up to the room they were using.
She was about to follow him when Jane came in to see where they'd both gone. "Becca, what-"
"Jane, take Garrett." Without leaving any room for questions, she passed the baby off to his grandmother and followed Nick up the stairs.
She started to knock on the closed door, but then thought better of it, choosing instead to step in quietly. The silence was eerie, and Nick was stretched out face down on the bed, his head on his arms. Sitting quietly on the edge of the bed, she rested her hand on his arm.
"Nick?" she whispered.
"I'm ok," he mumbled.
"What's wrong?"
"Bec, I'm fine."
She said nothing more, she simply lay down beside him and began to rub his back. She rubbed in slow, soothing circles, and she felt his shoulders begin to shake. Laying her head on his arm she kissed him softly.
Nick felt the gentleness of her touch and it released a torrent of emotion. The tears began to fall, and soon turned into heart wrenching sobs of despair. He cried as if his heart was breaking and nothing Becca could say or do would help. Nick felt her arms slide around him and he moved into the warmth of her protection.
Throughout it all, Becca simply touched him, a reminder that she was there, and listened as the pieces began to fall in place.
"I couldn't do it." Nick sobbed. "They wanted me to go see Kellie and I had to say no."
"Why, Nick?"
"I just … I can't, Bec. I can't look at her."
"I don't understand, Nick. Danny was your friend."
"I trusted him with my life, Bec. He worked my lift, and the other stuff that had to do with me. If his timing was off just a bit, I coulda been hurt real bad."
"You need to tell Kellie that, Nick. Those kinds of memories are going to help keep her going."
"I just feel so bad. I look at you, and I look at GT and I have it all. If Backstreet fell apart tomorrow, I'd still have my family." He paused to wipe his face. "But Kellie, Kellie doesn't have that."
"Nicky, she DOES. She has a beautiful new baby that's a part of Danny. And she has her other daughter, too. Those children were created from their love, Nick. She'll always know that."
Nick was still crying, and the tears came faster as he rolled onto his back. "I think about her Bec, I think about her all the time. I try to put myself into her place, you know? I try to think how I would feel if something happened …" He took a deep breath and sobbed as his words came in a rush. "I think how I would feel if something happened to you, and I know how scared I was when GT was born. You almost died, Bec, and I couldn't live if anything happened to you."
Becca's face was wet as well as she lay her head on Nick's chest. "Nothing's going to happen to me, Nick."
His arms wrapped tightly around her to hold her close. "You don't know that."
"No, you're right, I don't. None of us do. But we can't live our lives that way, Nick. We have to take each day God gives us and be grateful for it."
Nick lay with his arm across his face, his sobs beginning to quiet at last. "I can't do it anymore."
"Can't do what, baby?"
"This. All of it."
Becca's heart began to pound, but she waited for him to continue.
"It's just too much, Bec. The constant motion, the bullshit we have to deal with every day … "
"The fans? What about your fans?"
"They're great, Bec, but-"
"Nick, this is your life. You've worked so hard to get to where you are."
"There has to be more. I want to spend time with you and GT."
Ah, here was the answer.
"Nick, there will be plenty of time together. It's just been a really crazy year for us. Look at what we went through last year: Sarah losing the baby, and me being sick, and then Andrew…" she shuddered as she remembered it all. "It's been hard on all of us. What happened in New York just made it all worse. We're all exhausted Nick, and no one is fully comfortable even living a normal life yet. Add that to the crazy life we live, and you have quite a story to tell."
"I guess…" he yawned as he agreed with Becca, and the worries he'd held inside were finally being let go. He felt Becca move away, but pulled her back. "Don't go."
"Just getting comfortable, Nicky. Close your eyes for a while."
"Where's GT?"
"He's with your mom. He's fine, now close your eyes."
Becca lay with him as he fell into the deepest sleep he'd had in days, perhaps even months. When she was certain he wouldn't wake up, she slipped away, covered him with a blanket and walked quietly downstairs.