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oakley radar shoes CLEAN LAFFS - Tuesday, June 29, 2004------------------------------------------------------------ Subscribe and Unsubscribe links at the bottom of the page. ------------------------------------------------------------ Good morning crew, We had another promotion test at the school this weekend. Usually the tests are 8 weeks apart, but for some scheduling reason they held this test only six weeks after the last one. Subsequently I had to cram a lot of classes in over the last few weeks get ready. Usually I will go to the gym 2-3 times a week, but for the last two weeks I've been there Monday through Thursday. It's been tiring. It was a little distressing to watch this one, too. Usually I'm an advocate of the Beach Boys philosophy, "Be True to Your School" but it would be nice if they were a little more consistent. Most of the tests are cut-and-dry affairs where you demonstrate your knowledge and command of the skills for that rank and thanks for coming. But for some reason, during this test, they were working the students hard, especially the kids. One of the master instructors actually reduced two of the girls (ages around 10-12) to tears. I don't necessarily approve of that. But other than this bit of drama it was pretty anticlimactic. It always is. When I first learn the material it seems impossible, but after two months of training there is not much chance of failing. Of course, now I've probably jinxed myself. Laugh it up, Joe mailto:joe@cleanlaffs.com Email Joe *** "6" YEAR ANNIVERSARY JAMBOREE SPECIAL Just when you thought it couldn't get any better, hang on to your hat! We are NOW offering you "3 for the price of 1" on all NEW equivalent EPSON and CANON Inkjet Cartridges. Prices from $6.75 for 3 black and $10.50 for 3 color. LIMITED TIME OFFER http://ads.gophercentral.com/al/a?aid=7109&ent=2115 3 for the price of 1 *** My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last night it took four state troopers and a dog. *** Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. *** "My girlfriend is not a ball and chain--she's more of a spring-loaded trap." --Kevin Hench ------------------------------------------------------------ FREE Bugs Bunny Cell phone Flashing Key chain - The Smart and Fun Way To Receive Calls Are you like me, one of those types that always seems to miss cellphone calls? Well not anymore, thanks to the Bugs Bunny Flashing Cell Phone Chain. It blinks (in three wild colors, no less) BEFORE your phone receives a call signal. (It's like ESP....) Now you can turn off the ringer, put the phone away (or listen to headphones) without ever missing a call. Carry it with your keys, hang it from your car mirror or attach it to your cell phone case--it works up to 3 feet away from your phone. Cute and functional (and a surefire conversation starter), this makes a great gift.... If you want one of these, please HURRY or they'll be gone in a...uh, flash. (Limit 5 per order) http://ads.gophercentral.com/al/a?aid=505&ent=643 Cell phone Flashing Key chain ------------------------------------------------------------ The Bachelor Diet Monday Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth. Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" - those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox. Afternoon Snack - Drink the Maalox. Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw. Tuesday Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw. Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea. Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's. Wednesday Breakfast - Stomach couldn't handle breakfast after a night at El Flasho's. Lunch - Rolaids and a coke. Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps. Thursday Breakfast - Order out for pizza. Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers. Dinner - Go to a bar. Ask the bartender for extra olives. Friday Breakfast - Eggs, sausage and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you. Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder. Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus. Saturday Breakfast - Sleep through it. Lunch - Ditto. Dinner - Steak, well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Don't eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket. Sunday Breakfast - Three Bloody Mary's and a Twinkie. Lunch - Eat Lunch? And waste a good buzz? Dinner - Chicken noodle soup. Call home and ask about renting our old room. *-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------* An American was golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland. He slices his opening drive out of bounds onto the beach, so he tees another one up and smacks it right down the middle. The golfer turns to his old Scottish caddy and tells him that in America that is called a "Mulligan" and asks him if there is a name for it in Scotland. The caddy replies, "AYE, we call it a three." _____________________________________________________________ W H Y D I D T H E C O W B O Y B U Y A D A C H S H U N D? Want to know the answer to this important question? Then you need to get a copy of THE BEST OF CLEAN LAFFS! Order Joe's laff diary for F-R-E-E...all you pay is postage and handling. Check it out: http://af3.gophercentral.com/book/clean.html The Best of Clean Laffs ____________________________________________________________ To SUBSCRIBE: http://www.gophercentral.com/sub/sub-jokes.html Subscribe UNSUBSCRIBE: http://www.cleanlaffs.com/unsub.asp?n=437&e=aportorclass@flashmail.com Unsubscribe You are subscribed as: aportorclass@flashmail.com Change Your Email Address by Visiting: Change your email address * PLEASE allow 48-hrs for removal from this list when emailing * ------------------------------------------------------------ AOL Links ------------------------------------------------------------ Visit the Clean Laffs Site More FREE Fun & Entertainment ************************************************************ END OF CLEAN LAFFS Copyright 2004 by PENN LLC. All rights reserved. Feel free to forward this, in its entirety, to others. |
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oakley radar shoes TODAY'S GOLF - Tuesday, February 3, 2004"Tips... News... And More... All For The Love Of The Game" ------------------------------------------------------------ To SUBSCRIBE visit: http://www.gophercentral.com/sub/sub-golf.html Subscribe ------------------------------------------------------------ IN THIS ISSUE: 1. TEEING OFF - TOO GOOD TO BE NORMAL 2. PRO REPORT - SKIP MONTY? TOUGH CALL FOR LANGER 3. QUOTE OF THE WEEK TEEING OFF TOO GOOD TO BE NORMAL The "It's-good-to-be-normal" hounds are loose again and they're going after Michelle Wie and her family, barking at them for stealing her childhood, pressuring her into becoming an adult too soon, skipping school and all man- ner of anti-normal behaviors. But what's so great about being normal? At this year's Hawaii Open, Friday attend- ance was p 22 percent over the same day in 2003. The dif- ference: the presence of the non-standard, irregular, un- common, atypical, extraordinary ninth-grader who is a once-in-a-millennium physical genius at golf. Tiger Woods was asked if he could have made the cut on tour at that age. "No way," he replied. "The same thing would've hap- pened to me at 14 as it did when I was 16 (at the 1992 Los Angeles Open, where he missed by plenty). I wasn't good enough." The "Tiger model" followed by Earl Woods (Tiger's dad) states that you should "dominate at the level you're at before you move on to the next level." That's good advice for most, but Michelle Wie is several cuts above everyone else. Her recent success at the Hawaii Open shows that her development as a savvy, well- spoken and very happy young girl is something to behold. Wie was having a ball -- she even skipped down the 10th fairway for a while until she remembered where she was. Exploitation never looked like this much fun. How many 14-year-olds do you know who could shoot a 68 from the back tees against the best players in the world, then take over the announcers' booth and not miss a beat? Somebody is definitely doing something right. As commen- tator Charlie Reimer said to Ernie Els, "Not only is she trying to take your job, she's trying to take mine, too." Where the critics go wrong is in giving advice geared to an everyday, standard-issue crowd from which excellence flows in a trickle. But with genius, be it intellectual, creative or physical, excellence is a flood that sweeps away those who lobby for sameness and carry on about the need to be normal. "I don't want to be normal," said Wie, and we shouldn't want her to be, either. ------------------------------------------------------------ ** LIQUIDATION SPECIAL - American Flags for $2.49 ** We are pleased to announce that we have found Full-Size 3'x5' American flags available at liquidation prices... never sold before at these low prices. Made of durable polyster with two (2) metal grommets perfect for displaying. Its a great time to stock up on them as they will make great holiday gifts. Check them out at these never-before-seen prices. Liquidation Special - USA Flags ------------------------------------------------------------ PRO REPORT SKIP MONTY? TOUGH CALL FOR LANGER West Palm Beach, Fla. -- Nobody has been in a tougher spot in a Ryder Cup than Bernhard Langer, who missed a 6-foot putt in 1991 that would have enabled the Europeans to re- tain the trophy at Kiawah Island. His opponent that day, Hale Irwin, later said that Langer was put in that posi- tion because he could handle the outcome better than any- one. Langer doesn't have to worry about facing similar pressure now that he's agreed to be the European captain and not try to play in his record-tying 11th Ryder Cup this fall at Oakland Hills, near Detroit. But he could be dealing with an equally dicey situation: Does he leave European star Colin Montgomerie -- with whom Langer was unbeaten as a partner in 2002 -- off the team? Langer acknowledged recently that making his two wild-card picks will probably be the most difficult part of his job. The Hall of Famer also said Montgomerie won't be given a free ride on the team, even though he has the best winning per- centage of any European (66.1) with an overall mark of 16-7-5. "I certainly hope he will make the team because he's a great player," Langer said in a phone interview from La Quinta, Calif. "But you never know. You need to have a good 12 months when qualifying. It's happened to other great players who didn't make a Ryder Cup team be- cause they weren't playing well." Langer was one of them. He was left off the 1999 team, the only Ryder Cup he's missed since 1981. It didn't matter that Langer is second to Nick Faldo on the Europeans' all-time list for matches (42), points (24) and won matches (22). With Montgomerie 25th on both lists for Ryder Cup points and world rankings -- the top five are chosen off the world rankings, then the next five on the European points list who have not al- ready been selected -- it appears the only chance that Montgomerie has is as a wild-card pick in August. He has dropped to 44th in the world rankings. Langer, 46, has plenty of other decisions to make before then. Major de- cisions like what clothes the team will wear, where the players will sleep, and more. Langer said it's important that he and American captain Hal Sutton continue to make sure the matches don't become as antagonistic as they were at Kiawah and at Brookline in 1999. The 2002 matches at The Belfry were relatively free of controversy. "It doesn't matter too much who wins or loses," Langer said. "The game of golf is larger than any one team. I hope these matches are very competitive, but with the highest level of sportsmanship." The last hard thing Langer will have to do as captain is watch the matches. "It's going to be more difficult to be standing on the sidelines," he said. "You kind of feel helpless." ------------------------------------------------------------ The TekFlame... A Lighter of Distinction by Dakota Dakota has done it again... created a very unique lighter that will turn heads everywhere. WHY? Featuring a GREEN colored wind-resistant jet torch flame the TekFlame looks great day or night. AND when you flip the top of the TekFlame a shimmering blue LED shines, lights up the gold in-laid emblem. The bright green flame occurs because there is a catalyst on the heat coils which changes the color of the flame once it reaches a higher temperature. If you have never used a colored flame before you are surely going to be impressed (no special butane required). Perfect for parties or a gift. Just $7.99 for a lighter that will last a lifetime. Or save $2.00 when you buy two (2). To see a picture or to order visit: TekFlame Lighter *Or if you would prefer to order by phone please have your credit card ready and call (800) 711-1361 ex 772 (8-5 CST, M-F) ----------------------------------------------------------- QUOTE OF THE WEEK "Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad" - A.A. Milne ------------------------------------------------------------ Questions? Comments? Email us: mailto:golf@gophercentral.com Email your comments ------------------------------------------------------------ To SUBSCRIBE visit: http://www.gophercentral.com/sub/sub-golf.html Subscribe ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ UNSUBSCRIBE: http://news.gophercentral.com/s/?a=u&n=440&s=49160041 Unsubscribe You are subscribed as: tff@flashmail.com If you are having problems unsubscribing please email us at: Problems? * PLEASE allow 48-hrs for removal from this list * ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More Fun and Amusement by emailL: http://www.gophercentral.com More F-R-E-E Newsletters ____________________________________________________________ END OF TODAY'S GOLF Copyright 2004 by PENN LLC. All rights reserved. Please forward this, in its entirety, to others. |
