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Here's some more E-jokes to brighten your day. Just like the different people you meet, some of the following may seem tastless to you. Hopefully, none are too offensive!
Have your [adult] friends visit this site, or feel free to copy and email your favorites.
Funny Condom Slogans
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP!
2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER!
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY!
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT!
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER!
6. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG!
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT!
8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY!
9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE!
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER!
11. IF YOU GO IN HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT!
12. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, ZIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE!
13. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER!
14. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER!
15. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL!
16. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION!
17. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL!
18. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER!
19. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
OH NO!
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her
mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and
carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out
and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and
threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom entered their hotel
room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his
new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek
while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase
and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She
exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
A Great Boss
"Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache,
stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."
The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel
like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me
feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
2 hours later Carlos calls:
"Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I be at work soon. You
got nice house."
Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:
Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car.....a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner.....Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show....let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Sadie: "Oy! Vey...so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Yetta: "No dear... I'm saying wear an old dress."
  
Senior Sex
Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after
dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit
and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin
to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a
short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?" and he replies SEX!!!"
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I
held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige", says Mildred, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden
where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Howard's manhood.
Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She
walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the
pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Howard's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel
have that I don't have?!?"
Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
The Math Professor
A professor of mathematics sent a fax
to his wife. It read:
"Dear Wife: You must realize that you
are 54 years old, and I have
certain needs which you are no longer
able to satisfy. I am otherwise
happy with you as wife, and I
sincerely hope you will not be hurt or
offended to learn that by the time
you receive this letter, I will be at the
Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old
teaching assistant. I'll be home before
midnight.
-Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there
was a faxed letter waiting for him
that read as follows:
"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years
old, and by the time you receive
this letter, I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool
boy. Being the brilliant
mathematician that you are, you can easily
appreciate the fact that 18 goes into
54 a lot more times than 54 goes
into 18. Don't wait up."
TRICK OR TREAT JOKE
A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house.
The man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are
you supposed to be?"
"We're Jack and Jill" she replied.
The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"
So, they go
off and a while later they come back dressed differently.
They ring the doorbell and once again and the man opens the door.
"Well, now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"
"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy.
"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and
Gretel because you're black!"
Heads hung low, they leave.
Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again.
This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but
this time they are BUTT N*A*K*E*D.
"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?" he asks.
"Chocolate M & M's" said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts."
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Expensive Golf Game
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of
golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year
he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of
bed and without an argument go directly to the golf
course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it!
We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet
here early,Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there
they are on the links.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune!
I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't
take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at
home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her
eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says " Well my wife is at home admiring
her new car, reading the manual."
They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is
staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this
golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said,
'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and she said, 'take a
sweater'.
Know Your Lover!
AFTER A LONG NIGHT OF MAKING LOVE
THE YOUNG GUY ROLLED OVER, PULLED OUT A
CIGARETTE FROM HIS JEANS AND SEARCHED
FOR HIS LIGHTER. UNABLE TO FIND IT, HE
ASKED THE GIRL IF SHE HAD ONE AT HAND.
"THERE MIGHT BE SOME MATCHES IN THE TOP DRAWER", SHE REPLIED.
HE OPENED THE DRAWER OF THE BEDSIDE TABLE AND FOUND A BOX OF MATCHES
SETTING NEATLY ON TOP OF A FRAMED PICTURE OF ANOTHER MAN.
NATURALLY, THE GUY BEGAN TO WORRY. "IS THIS YOUR HUSBAND?" HE INQUIRED
NERVOUSLY.
"NO, SILLY," SHE REPLIED, SNUGGLING UP TO HIM.
"YOUR BOYFRIEND THEN?" HE ASKED.
"NO, NOT AT ALL," SHE SAID, NIBBLING AWAY AT HIS EAR.
"WELL, WHO IS HE THEN?" DEMANDED THE BEWILDERED GUY.
CALMLY, THE GIRL REPLIED, "THATS ME BEFORE THE OPERATION."
Make a Wish!
A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their
60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that
because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would
give them one wish each.
Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the
wife wanted for her and her husband to have a romantic vacation together,
so she wished for them to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire.
He paused for a moment, then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.
(Don't you love fairy godmothers!!!!!!)
Ding Dong...
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh, no, my dear." replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm: Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and
out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned
ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!!!"
The Right Prescription
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The
woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she
and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman
with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional
and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that
she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss,
but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When
she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we
can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month
living expenses".
Wedding Night Surprise
Boudreaux out on the golf course gets hit wit a high speed ball
right in de crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to de ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to Doctor Thibodeaux
and ask, "How bad is it doc? I'm gonna be on my honeymoon next week and
my fiancé is stilla virgin in every way."
Doctor Thibodeaux tol him, "I'll have to put your ting in a splint
to let it get better and keep it straight. It should be okay by next
week."
So he took four tongue depressors, make a neat little four-sided
bandage and wired it all together, an impressive work of art for Dr.
Thibodeaux.
Boudreaux mentions none of this to his Kloteel, marries and goes
on his honeymoon to New Orleans. Dat night, in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of knockers.
Dis was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first,
no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips off his pants and says, "look at dis, it's still in the
CRATE!"
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