Mood: "Super" genious

Finally on Friday, 7th of this month, 2 days ago, my car was ready for the painting, although my teacher was still whining about some things (including that I hadn`t placed back the roof fabrique yet). I started the car on Thursday and drove it to the washing hall even if the Team Toyota was giving suspicious comments. They didn`t believe that my baby wouldn`t start after the crash and standing in the schools garage for a month, but THEY WERE WRONG! I knew my darling-Mazda wouldn`t fail me.

So, on Friday noon I filled the paint gun and started the smelly process of painting my car, which I took surprisingly well - knowing that I have asthma and I didn`t have the right kind of painting gas mask, only a better kind of "paper" mask. My teacher would have had one but he didn`t lend it to me...
Well, I managed, although when painting the roof I was all the time feeling I`m slightly too short to see properly where I`ve painted already. My teacher showed me quickly how to do it and whined all the time that I moved the painter too fast, yet according to him he`s never before seen anyone as slow painter as I were. And he was pissed of to me that I dirted his paint gun and paint mixer pot far too well. Well, excuse me, Mr. Teacher! I`ve NEVER before painted a car with a paint gun! The small spray pots are much more different thing and far more easier to handle, and even with those I haven`t painted much. I understand he was annoyed for that he had to stay at the school longer and that it wasn`t very nicely done when there was 1 annoying classmate of mine snooping behind the curtain that separated the washing hall and the garage of the 1st and 2nd year students and I say "Go to hell!" when I think that same dude is there again but instead it was my teacher. He whined to about that what if there would have been the headmaster of the school who`s been snooping a lot lately in our garage for some reason. So, I`m rather sure the head master would have understood if I had apologied politely - after all I`ve been chatting with him in friendly manners in the garage before. I also understand tat he had to be at a certain time picking up his son from the daycare, but I also knew I would need to be at that very same moment on the other side of my school town startign my hygiene-passport studies. And it didn`t help me at all that my sister, Micronian comes to my school to pick me up to that studyplace and whines me all the thime that we should go and that she hates me for not being ready on time, but did they both have to pour all their irritation on my neck? Ok, yes. Yes, because I was the guyilty one. I just hope my teacher wouldn`t be (too) mad at me about the spray paint gun... Or that if he still is, then that he wouldn`t avenge that on my car which has done nothing but saved my ass many times in the different kind of situations.

When I was quickly washing my hads from the paint in the girls` locker room I checked my reflection from the mirror and looked shocked. The earlier Charley-hair had been switched to lame trial of being Charley with Rogue-hair, since my front and top, and some of the neck hair had gotten their share of the Noble White. In the evening I borroewd Micronian`s clarifying shampoo and used some other liquids to get the hair clean from the paint, but it was stuck better than I had imagined, so the whole Saturday went looking like if I had suddenly looked like nearly 65-year-old person. I gotta admit that was looking spooky. Wel, that fortunately didn`t stop me from recieving my hygiene-passport with full scores (Yessss!!) and finally I dug the Hot Ginger -colour I had bought ages ago and decides to colour my hair in order to get the white hair disappearing. Well, I`m a red hair again, but not completely: I`m a Rogue-hair from now on.
The fact is that the car paint was rather catchy stuff and it has stuck to my hair so well, that I perhaps got the most weakest spots coloured, but at least the top and the front hair are still white. Well, I guess I need to adapt the Rogue-attitude now in use and imitate more her clothing if really wanting to be like she is. After all you don`t get accidentally the hair colouring like this.

Mood: Struggling with forbidden love

Now Playing: Darude: "Feel The Beat" from the CD: "Before The Storm", (P) 2000 16inch Records/Stargatemusic Oy, (L) 2000 Stargatemusic Oy/BMG Finland Oy
Movetron: "Romeo & Juliet -Major Mod Mix Original" from the CD: "Soittorasia", (P) & © 1996 PolyGram Finland Oy

I`m sewing my life together now, still, even if I have set my eyes for "Mr. T." - and at the same time I know I can never get him, so I have decided to be nice to him and keep it my little secret, never telling him about my feelings for him. My dear sis, Midnight suggested me that when I`d be ready, I could perhaps tell him about this all, but I know I can`t. Never! It`s a secret that I will take to my grave, because he`s happily married and has a family already, and I won`t go and break his relationship! Besides... although he`s working in a decent profession (I figured out finally what he does for living... Mwahahahaa! ), his relationship with me wouldn`t be socially the most approved. And I don`t want to end up to do something that would be too much socially disapproved. It`s enough when I mess up with the cars and the computers - or had in a relationship with a guy who was somewhat younger than me, but there are some limits even within me too. Besides, I`m rather sure he`s not interested in me as a potential partner, even if my classmate girl asked me yesterday if I knew how many people leave their life-partners because of someone else. I said: "Many, far too many." and continued that I`m not that kind of person. I can`t break someone`s family just to get the man for myself, because then it would be rightful for someone else to do that same to my relationship(s) too.
And what if he wouldn`t be the right kind of person to stand beside me? What if I`m just projecting my emotions on somebody who`s totally different kind of guy compared to Vinnie II, just to get over from my awfully and tragically ended relationship. After all me and Vin II had been speaking about marriage and children too, although I wasn`t warming up for the idea of having children with him and he wasn`t softening for my desire to make a marital contract between us.

Then again, I can`t help thinking about Mr. T. and I know I`d be a real wrong-doer if breaking up his family just to get him for myself. And besides, I truly believe in the thing, that in that case my possible relationship with him shouldn`t be blessed in church if I had been stealing him from his wife. But as said before already, the relationship between me & him would be disapproved in many people`s eyes. For many other reasons than just breaking up his family... And it`s wrong how I feel about him, as I`m breaking against the 10 commandments. I`m desiring somebody else`s spouse, and I can now only try to shut my feelings and pray mercy upon my soul.

Fortunately Midnight thinks the same way with me about the wrongness of my case, because nowadays it seems so hard to find people who would respect their fellow citizens enough not to break up their families. Many, far too many seem to think the current mate, whatever he or she is (a girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband or registered life-partner), is just a thing that slows down the final process of getting that person they have set their eyes for. At times it feels no-one besides me thinks the current partner is a permanent obstacle for me and my dreams of getting the man I`ve fallen for. Only if the couple breaks up for their own reasons - not because of me - I could allow myself to get contact in more serious way with the man in question. After all I`ve been raised to respect the holy marriage, although I know it ain`t always a bed of roses and I know love and marriage are a lot of question of wanting and desiring to do the actions of love and the things that keep the love and the marriage alive. It asks respecting the partner, loyality, strong mind, patience, blindness for other one`s failure points and mistakes, and above all the ability to forgive the mistakes for yourself and your partner. And therefore, since I try my best respecting the holy marriage, I won`t be tearing Mr. T. from his family. "Forbiffen love, forbiffen games - it lasted only days" as Movetron sings. Those lyrics are speaking for my emotions, although I think I have to alter `em a bit:

"I am your Juliet - You are my Romeo
Your smile gives me ride like a rodeo. ( x4 )

In the dark of the night, I told me it`s over now
and soon I`ll be alright, but I didn`t tell me when or how

I tried to tell me a lie, but I found the real thorn
the only reason why, is the neighbourhood where I was born

I am your Juliet - You are my Romeo
Your smile gives me ride like a rodeo. ( x2 )

My father knows it best - I can only make you sad
`cos I am unlike the rest, and don`t know how to please my dad.

If you stay on her side, I will be gone for good.
And I do know, you won`t take a ride
to my side of the neighbourhood.

I am your Juliet - You are my Romeo
Your smile gives me ride like a rodeo. ( x4 )

The only way
I can live my life is pain,
since I can`t see you again.
The secret place, forbidden love, forbidden games - it lasted only days.

Lasted only days ( x3 )

I am your Juliet - You are my Romeo
Your smile gives me ride like a rodeo. ( x6 )

Then again Darude`s "Feel The Beat" speaks for the desperate nuance, how I feel for him and at the same I know my feelings are wrong. I got the bullet into my heart, I`m no longer the same innocent little girl who I used to be. I`ve sold many of my principles - sold more than what I have left anymore. And that`s so sad, so tragical... And I remember it all when I see Mr. T. passing me without knowing I am there. I`m not letting him know I am there - longing to get a forgiving embrace from him and hear him even saying that I`m forgiven - even if he doesn`t feel the same way towards me and that his loyality stays with his wife. That`s what I after all need: a tender hug from somebody who says it`s O.k. the way I am already and he/she would really mean it - accepting me with all my flaws and mistakes as well as my success and moments of victory.

Crash! Boom! Bang! (Oh F***!)

Mood: Pain on the upper back, devastated feelings

Everything happened when this son was playing. Now it plays to you, reminding my desperate feelings when I saw my baby, my white knight again after it all had happened and I had been released back home.

The story begins on Saturday, 25th of February when I get a ride from Rocky, who`s going for his swimming practices in the same neighbour town where my school locates. He drops me to my school and after some time and a few starting trials, my car starts and we head first to get something to snack since I`m starwing for the reason that I had no time to eat anything before Rocky was already at my place and took me with him. Bekcy rolls nicely, although I can feel the new brake pads and wheels still need the normal wear off adjusting for themselves. I drive home, visit the food store and my parents`s place and have no problems at all. Then in the evening when I am turning my car around to get it in its shelter I have to brake pumpingly. On the second pump the pressure suddenly disappears from the pedal and it goes to the floor without a hard pressing. Oh... My... God! The brakes are broken! I top up the brake fluid pot in the car and then drive to my parents place trying not to even brush the brake pedal (of course I had to once but that was fortunately very little.) and I thank the higher forces it`s late in the evening and practicly no-one is on the road at this time anymore. Next day I do some examining with my dad before I go to watch the national championship rally-sprint that is arranged in my school town and my dad calls to a local repairing garage to get my car in. On the evening, after I`ve returned from the rally-sprint, I drive my car via a bit longer but safer and brakeless route to that garage, so that right on the Monday morning they woulb be able to start working with it.
On Monday evening my car is back after experiencing a very expensive braketube exhange operation. (They even had to remove the fuel tank to get it all done!) My mom paid it, since I didn`t have money for that (D##n dentists and their insanely high bills! Those put a student`s economy out of balance. ) and I had very hell-smelling fight going about my car and the costs with her and at the end I threw the car keys on her face/chest and told her to keep the car till I have scraped together the money I owed to her and marched away slamming the doors and telling that I would walk back to my place. My dad anyway was more co-operative and took my car and reached me rather soon after I had left their place. We also had a bit smoky discussion before I had to swallow my pride and step back into my car and drive it bavk to their place to pick up the things I had left behind when running away from the house. My car was working again just fine and wasn`t needing much anymore to be able to make it`s first try out to get through the annual inspection that is awaiting it and should be done and passed before the end of the June.

Friday, 3rd of March 2005 at 6.35 (am) my phone`s alarm wakes me up after a bit restless night and I get up to shut it down. I got up too quickly, so start to feel a bit dizzy and to calm that down I lie myself down for a moment, eyes open to prevent falling in sleep. My eyes betray me and I fell in sleep for next 40 minutes. It`s 7.15 (am), I`m still in night clothes, hair unwashed and I should be at my working place in 15 minutes. (And the driving to there takes that same 15 minutes.) I rush to wah my hair quickly, pick up my working clothes that fortunately were put avaible on the previous evening, grab a youghurt and a hamburger from the fridge, drink the youghurt and pack the burger with my working stuff and rush to dress up my winter clothes, heading like a flash to my car to get my customer as soon as possible, as little late as possible.

I`m aware of the slipperiness of the road, I don`t dare to overspeed and everything goes fine. DJ Bobo`s "Let The Dream Come True" is playing out of my cars speakers when I turn my car to roll down the slope of "church beach" and head on the ice like oh so many times before on this winter. I speed, the speedometer shows appoximately 60km/h (I think it`s appoximately 35 miles/h) but I know it fools a bit upwards. I think if I could speed up to 80 km/h (= 50 mph) my usual speed on this ice road, although I`ve driven up to 100 km/h once for a tiny moment in a test meaning on that very same ice road. I don`t dare - the road is snowy at times because the wind has pushed it from the edges of the road on the lanes, this lane has less than the opposite one and no-one has pushed the snow away with a tractor. My thoughts travel forward - in my mind I`m already rising on the opposite edge of the lake back on the official asphalt road that is dangerously partially melted in some parts. At that moment I feel like a little pull under myself, snow under and around left front wheel stole the car out of its track and changes the angle of the car on the road. Automatic, reflex-like respond comes immediately from me: Right foot off the gas pedal and softly on the brake - too hard braking can cause the locking of the tyres and the loss of the control to the car, but speed must be gotten decreased to gain back the full control before something happens. Handsturn automatically the driving wheel to correct the car back on the right lane and direction, but the car continues for a split of a second sliding sideways, right side forward until I feel rather soft but firm >>thud<< and two short words rises out of my mouth: "Oh f##k!" (To be exact, it was the Finnish languaged equivalent.) And at the moment I felt and herd the "thud" everything goes so fast that I barely notice it, and the car turns on its roof shattering the windshield in pieces and only the thought "I damaged my car!" crosses my mind. It all happened so fast that I was hanging upside down from my seat belt already at that moment whe saying the last two letters.

I remain my consciousness and sanity all the time. A voice, my own sane voice in my mind takes command and gives me orders - keeping me out of panic in the threating situation.
"Engine off!"
I turn the key immediately and shut down the car`s engine.
"Radio off!"
"Not a broken heart, now we..." DJ Bobo sings and I turn the radio`s button to turn the power off from it.
"Seatbelt open!"
I struggle for a moment but on the secont try I get it to let me loose and I fall on the ceiling of the car.
"Out!"
I reach my hand to open the driver`s door. I get it ajar, but then it refuses to open more. I flip myself 90 degrees, my feet now facing the door and kick as hars as I dare (I was still pitying the poor car for that what I was doing to it.)
"Call help!"
I dig up my mobile phone from my sleeve pocket and first one to whom called was my dad (Duh! Idiot! How he can help you when he`s 50km away from you at his working place?!) And cry hysterically on the phone "Mazda is on the roof!"
I don`t remember much from that phonecall but that I remember my dad told me NOT TO CALL to the 112 (the general emerengy number). He said he calls to mom and that they would come to help and that I should call to my customer`s son who has a tracktor so that he could come to help my car back on its wheels. No cops, no ambulance or fire department! I get fines if I call and the cops come and I loose the bonuses from my car insurance. At that time, while having the phonecall with my dad, my mind gives me a new command.
"Look around! Seach alternative exits!"
I follow the order of the voice, looking around still trying to figure out ways to get out via either of the front doors.
"Backdoor!"
I look around anf see the back door on the right side of the car has nothing blocking it, unlike the snow-blocked front doors.
"Flip the front passenger`s backrest to get on the backseat`s side!"
On the first try the backrest hits my cheek because I forgot to press myself against it but then on the second trying time I get it act in the way I want and flip myself quickly on the backseat`s side, the flipping the front passenger`s backrest back on its place while still talking on the phone with dad. I open the back door and see there`s red car coming, I think it was either an old VW Jetta or Passat but I can`t say for sure. I`m already out of the car, still on the phone when that car passes me without stoppinnng even to ask if everything is alright. Then I call to the number service asking the phone number of the person who I was hoping to be able to come to help me, but I can`t reach him. New phonecall from my dad telling mom`s got the news and will come to me soon and we still argued about calling to 112. (I wanted, he didn`t since I seemed to be O.k. so far.) I ignore my dad because I was more concerned about my car and the possible environmental threats it might cause on the frozen lake and called to the emerengy number. My inner voice was telling me to talk calmly, and I could see in front of my eyes (In figure of speech, duh!) the orange "How to call to the emerengy number" -paper I had done on the notice board of the school`s main garage and I followed its orders. Soon after that I call to my boss and tell only that to me has happened a bit "funnily" and that I can`t get to my customer, so if she could get somebody else there instead. I made accidentally a mistake calling to Vinnie II`s mom (I thought I had erased that number off from my phone`s memory!) when calling to my customer`s place and they had already seen with the binoculars that somebody was on the ice but couldn`t recognize who. I got a contact to their son via them and he promised to come to help if he just gets his tracktor running. My mom arrived soon with my sister and some time after that, when she was already calling to the emerengy center that I don`t need an ambulance, the lead car of the fire department arrives and when it has stopped still, arrives also the ambulance. It hurts to look the two tall ambulance guys in the eye, especially when they came very close to me to examine me, but I bravely tried to do my best. They asked me to walk to the ambulance and they took me on the bed, dringing me to the nearest hospital (we have only a tiny health center), 30km away. There I`m examined by a young make doctor who`s mischievous grin is jeering at me and to that my back went in such condition that I couldn`t get off the ambulance bed on my own. They lifted me on the table of the x-ray room and took pictures of my ribs and backbone but nothing seemed to be broken or cracked. I just had gotten a shock hit on my upper back that would be more or less painful for the following few days but nothing else. They forced me up on my feet and tested if I was in my full consciousness and then they said I could go to grap a coffee from the cafeteria and stay under their guarding eye for some time, so they can decide if they take me in the hospital or lets me go home.

At first it was hard even to lift a cup on my lips, but after some time and the affection of the pain killers I got, I started to move better and after boring myself for about an hour, I went to ask if I could be released to go back home. The doctor wrote me sick leave for the whole weekend but laughed when I asked if I should take a bit easier at school now. >Beep!< If a doctor and his/her family members can be sick, then a car repairer can end up to crash his/her car too, without the total lost of reputation! **sighs** Well, at least he DID tell me to take it easy for some time, but I`m still more concerned about my car and its future.

On the evening when my parents had arrived home, we dined together and went after that to look the car together. When I saw it on the back yard of a garage to where it was pulled, I bursted in tears and went through it every broken piece and part. My parents, especially my dad was saying the car is history and I couldn`t bear it. My Bekcy would be history?! Unrepairable?! No way, It`s only metal damages and broken windshield! My white phoenix would rise from his ashes to the new glory! I did this to my car - I would fix it or pay its fixing! I wasn`t ready or willing to give up from my car yet. I love my car too much to throw it away for such minor damages!
I cried, although not as much as when I had heard the news of my dear olf gray-furred grandma`s death. I cried and collapsed on my knees under the mirror on the driver`s side and my dad had to come to drag me off because they were leaving already. Yes, it`s only a pile of metal, plastic, wires and dangerous liquids, but it was still an individual and even my mom agreed with me that there never comes another exactly same kind of car, even if they would seek a new Mazda 323 automatic greared sedan from the year model 1988 and white colour for me. My car and I make a match that works. I wouldn`t want an other car instead. No Toyota, Opel, Mercedes-Benz or even other Mazda could EVER come into my heart to replace my Bekcy if this would be the time to give up. I just got the brakes fixed! And the outer layer above the rear wheels were fixed a few months ago! I had done this and that for my car and now it all was useless. That`s what I couldn`t bear. I had been concidering about giving up from it on the fall before the first major metal operation but then the more I worked with it, the harder my teacher forced and pushed me to work, the louder my heart started to beat again for my beautifying car. And of course my dad nor anybody else can understand my devotion to a tool. But does he even remember what kind of hell I raise every time when somebody tries to use my tools without my permission and especially if then treats `em poorly/returns `em in a bad shape, so why to make a difference with something more personal and individual than an ordinary screwdriver? Does he remember when I was only 10 and how I barked to hell that grumpy middle-aged man who was practicly raping our old tractor lawn-mower when I had been keeping it under my eye and it had been my duty to do the lawn mowing ever since my parents bought it? I thhough he saw already then that devotion that I give to my machines and closest people. They rise to mean a lot to me. And like Modo was ready to go to extreemes to save his bike, which is ALSO just a pile metal although equiepped with limited AI, I can`t help finding a strong alikeness between his devotion to Li`l Hoss and my devotion to my Bekcy.

At least both the doctor and the ambulance guys told me I probably avoided death by wearing the seatbelt. At lest the severe injuries and broken bones were avoided with that.

You Aren`t That Weak!

Mood: Feeling weak

I had fever on this morning, +38 Celcius degrees, while my normal is approximately +36,6 and when it hits the limit of +37 I`m feeling very fluish and ready for staying in the bed for the whole day. Despite of that I took a painkiller pill to decrease the fever and ran to the bus to get to school so that I could get my car back home for the upcoming winter holiday week from the school. We struggled with the brakes yesterday and at the end of the day came shock news: the nut I had brought was wrong kind of! The size matched and even the threads, but the nut was with right handed thread, while it should have been left handed!

IMPORTANT NOTICE: Anyone of you ever working with cars notice this: Mazda (323) has LEFT HANDED THREAD in its fulcrum`s nut and its size is M16 with 1,5 fine thread! This means it opens to the direction you tighthen most of the things. Therefore it`s no wonder that me and the air pressure driller I used then, destroyed the threads of the wheel`s lock nut. And without the nut the wheel doesn`t stay and the car is unavaible for driving.

The only good thing in this was that the nut fits on the left side of the car, so that if I ever do the same mistake on that side, I have a replacer for it. Unfortunately it meant I had to do a new trip to the same neighbour town from where I had found the 1st one. The 1st place I went was the same nut & screw -store from where I had bought the right handed nut too, but the said coldly that they don`t have any nuts with that type and size. Next thing I followed a tip from the bus chauffeur who lives in the same village with me and visited 1 nut & screw -store that locates in a bit hidden place and I was happy to get the right kind of nut. And I must admit I think the sales person smiled nicely and served me politely, although it may not be the most common thing to see a woman buying nuts, especially KNOWING exactly what she wants. (At least usually in the local store here where they sell this kind of stuff all women usually look rather uncomfortable and unsure when trying to tell what their hubbies/mates had asked them to get for`em.)

But there would be nothing to be written and told if the story would have gone forward that smoothly after getting the right kind of nut (and 2 spare nuts just in case I destry the 1st one). On this morning when being disorded from fever in my thoughts I forgot the nut bag home on the dining table and remember that in the bus that I nearly missed. My mom was pissed off because she was sleeping when I called to her and asked her to go to my place, pick the bag from there and send it to me along with the later bus. She did it but gave me a big yadda-yadda-yadda about forgetting things continuously. (I don`t do that so often as she claims! Sometimes Iclaim I had forgotten although I would have remembered things just perfectly.)

At school teacher said we`re gonna clean up the whole hall and wash the floors - so my car was only liftet as up as possible along with the other cars that still hugn at the garage and we started to brush the dirt off the floor. I had told the teacher I had fever and how much but he didn`t comment that in any way. Only the best screwer-student who himself has officially still a couple of months sick leave because of his heart problems, said I`m nuts since I came to school for the 2nd day already with fever. Anyway, I tried to work along with the rest, although it turned that way me and the other girl were removinng the sand/dirt piles the most, while the certain guys were just chatting and leaning on their brushes. We got it done well before the morning`s coffee break and I had to go to meet the bus chauffeur to get my nuts to get my car ready for the ride back home. I was almost at the right bus stop when the bus passes it without seeing me. Great! I had to walk fast to the bus station to where that bus was heading to reach it before it leaves from there. I did it and walked quicklyback to the school only to return to the mid of coffee break. Me and the other girl from my class cooked some coffee while the metal girl had hot chocolate and we were chatting this and that; merely about our teacher who seems to act such a buddy to the boys of our class but at least I have had difficulties to take the right kind of role in front of him. That`s because I don`t always know what he expects me to be. At times he talks to me like if I were still the same aged or even younger than the bous of our class but then in the next place he talks to me like adult to adult and expects me to be on the same level. And of course th most problematic case comes when I`m working with my car: he says I`m responsible from my own car, that he can`t make decisions for me relating to my car. Perhaps, but that`s not what I expect! Even if I`m working with my own car, I`m still after all a total newbie in the garages and most of the time I have no idea or very weak kind of haunch about that what I should do to do the (little) fixings for my car. All I wish is that he would explain what I should do or what he recommends - give the cold facts and his recommendations and then let me to decide what to do: follow his suggestion or ignore it. That would ease my unknowingness, give a better picture to me about what I`m doing / going to do or what I should do. A beginner can`t know what`s wrong with his/her car or possibly makes totally wrong kind of diagnosis, while even at times the pros make mistakes.

After the coffee break we started to wash the floor - brushing as hard as we could, me along aswell. We were nearly finished the brushing I think, when I started to feel weak and a little bit dizzy and I took support with my left hand from the nearest 4-pilar lift. I leaned my head a little bit forward and downwards and tried to breath calmly to catch the strenght back. After a little while of that everything went black and the next thing I know was that the other girl is asking "Ar you alright?!" and pushes me to shake mi awake. She said she had heard a knock and seen me on the floor and I heard all kind of noise and buzzing raising among the boys. Then I heard the teacher`s voice asking what`s happened and he comes to me, as well as bunch of 1st and 3rd year boys when he tells I need to be gotten to the fresh air. I think it was the best screwer of my class (the one with the heart problems) who was already grabbing on my left foot to carry me to thelift doors of the garage but I pulled my foot away, so that he wouldn`t stress himself too much (That`s at least what I remember to have been thinking.) and with some help from the girl, teacher and 1 guy I didn`t notice who it was, but I think it was1 of the 3rd year students, I got up on my feet and felt myself like if I were trembling a bit. They helped me to the lift doors and arrange me a chair where I can sit still and catch some fresh air via the door that was now ajar and the teacher ordered the girl to stay with me just in case, which was just good for her because of all the soreness she had aswell in her body. Meanwhile the boys flushes and wiped the floors clean from the strong odoured chemicals. Funny thing was that everybody was concerned about that if I had eaten nothing on this morning and time after time I had to say to everyboydy that I had. I just can`t start my day at 6am without eating at least something, knowing that our lunch starts around 11am. 5 hours without eating? No go! And I don`t faint if I feel starwed or weak from the lack of food - I start to feel like if I would have to puke.
Slowly I started to recover and finally I was back in such condition, that I would have wanted to go to wipe the floors too - I even told that to the teachers who were watching how the boys worked, but my saviour from the labor was that there wasn`t enough of the dryers. So I sat unwillingly on the car brake & shock braker tester only to hear from my teacher that I should go to sit back to the doorway or elsewhere where the air circles more. I ignored him because I was feeling a bit tired after my mental struggle against my desire to go back to work. Unfortunatly, he was right again because I hadn`t been sitting there for a long time when I started to cough and gasp air. The girl was fortunately close by me and I picked the keys of my locker from my pocket and asked her to bring me my attack medicine. And when she brought it my teacher was again yadda-yadda-yadda about that I`m again taking medicines, suffocating myself in the corner where air doesn`t change and having as the result an asthma attack. (Again? Last time I had to take medicine at school was when we were brushing the hall clean just before autumn leave and then I had to take that medicine because I laughed so much that I nearly suffocated myself!)
Soon after that the boys are finished and we`re sent to have our lunch break. I walked close to the walls all the time just in case but I felt much better when I got some food in my already rather empty stomach. After the lunch me and the girl went to the school nurse who came soon from her lunch break too, and took us in. I told her what happened and she wrote me 3 days of sick leave from work and denied from me a permission to drive back home. DENIED! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGH! I had to leave my beautiful white prince at school! And then there was still the nut unfastened and the other wheels had their nuts unlocked. I was worrying about that it would hang there at school for the whole week, but the other girl tried to comfort me by saying that if she knew at all our teacher (She`s re-doing the 1st year because she was skipping too much lessons last year, so she knows him a bit better than I do.) he would have done that for me already. And when we stepped into the garage I nearly bumped to my car`s nose and it was standing on its 4 wheels ready to ride home. The teacher appeared then to us and he said he guessed I would be banned from driving for this day. (He had said a bit earlier to me he`s not going to take the responsebility of that I would faint again behind the wheel and crash with a lorry and I had said back that I wouldn`t faint there again - that much I know myself already.) Well, at least he allowed me to drive the car out of the garage on it`s parking place (**Sourly** Wow... about 15 metres!) but then I got a ride from the girl and we headed to the bus station from where I took a bus ride home just to hear my dad commenting to me when I told him all this that "How`s that possible? You aren`t THAT weak!". Well, although after the lunch I didn`t have the fever anymore, add the morning`s fever, a lot of physical & mental stress, asthma/allergies and the strong odours and you get a cooking that can cause the described result added with that the washing chemicals ate the surface of my hair that touched the floor (They said I had hit my head too, although I didn`t feel it hurting not until later on the early evening.) and my hair feels still very sticky and coarse even if I`ve washed it twice already whith repairing shampoo and hair conditioner. If this doesn`t get any better, I must cut my hair shorter.

Mood: Flu-filled

Oops indeed. Just 1 week ago - on the Tuesday of last week I burned my nerves with my "unability" to fix my car (Yep, it was again at the school`s garage.) I went outside to blow out some steam, but since some of my classmates and teacher with some of the customer cars were buzzing in and out, I couldn`t have peace enough to calm down myself completely. Being still in too pissed of feelings towards myself, I decided to take the car off the lift and drive it out of the garage. The teacher of course couldn`t understand my behaviour and to be honest, I wasn`t thinking clearly then - I was just acting on the emotion and the low feelings about my skills. Later on that day I was supposed to unscrew 1 screw from my teacher`s car since I was then without a carlift. (There was a new car on that lift where my car was before I had droven it out.) I can barely believe it myself, let alone my teacher, that I had difficulties to unscrew that screw but then I almost snapped the very same screw broken when tightening it back on its place. My teacher was furious to me and I can believe that, because he was afraid that the piece that went broken would have been rather expensive piece, but fortunately it was only the screw I had destroyed and he could replace it with same kind of screw. Oops indeed...

Then on yesterday I did it again! I have no energy or patience to be careful enough with my car. It`s not that I wouldn`t have patience in general, but when it comes to my own car, I`m easily saying "Isn`t it (good) enough already?" and then my teacher says Yadda, yadda, yadda... How you think you can do this for your life if you don`t have patience enough to do it with your own car? (Replace the "yadda-yadda" -thing with approriate and related teacher-like barking ) That`s the point! I have patience to be snooping details with other cars, but with mine I`m easily satisfied. It works? Fine, let it be then! It doesn`t have to be perfect, reasonable is just alright.
Unfortunately my teacher doen`t think the same way with me. He kicks and pushes me to do better work with my car and then I loose temper with it when things ain`t going easy & smooth. Same thing again. I destroyed very important nut from my car`s right side rear wheel!

So, today I`ve been chasing the right kind of nut through the biggest neighbour town. Even in the brand`s own salesplace they told me to go to a well equiepped screw & nut -store because my car is so much old already. Fortunately I found it after quite much seaching and I can`t wait to get back to school tomorrow to be able to attach it on its place so that we could move on to replacing the new front brak wheels and pads.

Mood:  special

I have been feeling nervous in a positive way today, since it`s been my second last work practice day. I had visited my school on Tuesday before I had had to go to the evening shift at my work practice and asked also from my teacher when he would do his check out trip to my work practice place, since he had promised to visit everyone at least once and separately for me he had promised that he does it only once to my place, because it`s that much tricky to get the high chief of the garage avaible even for a five-minute-visit.
I was at my work practice place already 25 minutes before, but I spent nearly 15 minutes in the locker room changing the garage clothes under my perfectly clean overall, tying my hair and making sure my hair protecting scarf was placed properly, and that I had my usual stuff with me (pens, work practice diary papers, plastic gloves and ordinary protecting gloves) + of course the final check to the mirror for that I looked decent, while chatting with the other female mechanic whose shift was ending. On Tuesday my teacher had promised to me that he would come today a bit past 2pm when my shift has already started, but I had gotten on the garage`s side at 13.48 and had greeted the other mechanians, starting to do preliminary organizing and cleaning of the tools and desk when I saw with the corner of my eye two male figures stepping from the glass door between the sales desks and the garage, and I knew in my mind my teacher had arrived, though I didn`t officially see him. Actually a split of a second later I tried more to appear like if I hadn`t seen him yet, but I had seen already the 2nd year student who had come with him - even if I was like if hadn`t seen hi either. I was pretending that I was focused on the cleaning of the tools, letting him to greet me first so that I wouldn`t sound over eager or reveal how nervous I all suddenly felt. Graaah! He was standing there and I couldn`t help grinning in a stupid and wide way. I was so much in positive panic, that I even tore partly my already too much damaged work practice diary when trying to open it and to show to my teacher that "Yes, I`ve kept writing things down what I`ve done here."- and whined for more writing space (= Bigger paper or at least bigger sections for the what`s been done section.), but he said that`s not possible. (Why I hear now Throttle saying "Can`t be done, lady"? ) I asked some things about that how the guiding mechanian would estimate my success and that if he wanted to chat with the "Mr. Mechanian, Sir" (My guiding mechanian prefers me calling him that way. ) but he said he had come to see me and I was feeling for a moment a bit special, since it`s so long time when somebody has done something for me or even visited me, even for such an ordinary reason as it being part of the work practice season. (And I`m not counting the visits of my closest family members now. They visit me too often at times and I`ve visited them recently more than it`s legal. ) **Thinks for a moment.** Lessee... last time somebody DID visit me was... uhm... Wait! I shouldn`t count Micronian`s current bf yet to the nuclear family, although they are such pack that I wonder if the wedding bells don`t ring soon after they both have finished their (current) studies. **sourly:** Grreat... - Oh well... Micro`s bf visited my place with Milo herself around 3 weeks ago. **thinks again** Yes, on the weekend comes 3 weeks. We were grilling, talking & joking a lot of stupid stuff and having some good time then - just the 3 of us.
As you can see, I`m not keeping up my social contacts much outside the work & school circles. Even the BMFM circles have been left alone pretty much. (Can you figure out the reason already, huh? `Nuff said?)

Anyway, back to this day and my teacher`s visit to my work practice place.

We exhanged a few words, a couple of times I was about to say something but he kept explaining things and I shut up politely, knowing I should wait for my turn and take it when I get the chance for that. Then my chief already came with a customer car and I had to go to put the rubber blocks under it to protect the car from the damages when it hangs on the lift and then I had to go to pick up the spare parts. I saw my teacher chatting with 1 of the spare part sales people, since they knew each other, and I was feeling that it took an eternity to find the right spare parts because they had been put on a wrong place on a wrong shelf. (Typical luck of mine!) And when I was coming back with the spare parts he already announces that he must be going back to the school already. I felt I still would have wanted to talk with him about some things, but he just said let`s babble more on Monday at school. "Yeah, right! On Monday there`s 13 other students more or less eager to tell about their experiences, especially not forgetting the best repairer of the class! I`m just a girl g** *****t and since I`m such a terrible babbler about things in general, my message, the point of my talking, drowns to the meaningless extra details or even stays untold because I loose myself to the side tracks all the time. (Downside of being a strongly visual memory based personality.) When he was already rushing away I remembered that I had wanted to tell him about the feeling that the work practice period had raised in me. Well, at least I got it told that at least basing to the experiences I`ve had at my work practice, I have ended up to like it even more and most of the moments I feel I could do this for my job. The down side is of course that female mechanians are not taken so seriously - I would have to do double as hard as the guys do, to be at the best even half as good as the male co-workers at their worst. Oh well, I knew what was coming - I knew it even before my parents started to warn me about it, since the game is still somewhat same on the IT side too. But as I told to my teacher once when I was feeling pissed off enough about the prejudice I have to face and will be facing, I`m not gonna go to study SoHe-stuff. (SoHe = Social & Health; e.g. nurse, child care, the people of communal social services at least should have some sort of eduacation of this branch... e.t.c...) I chose the car repairings and the school I`m now in, was my nr. 1 choice. Also for the reason that I could finish my remaining IT-studies if getting enough motivation to do that anymore. Anyway, I must admit that now I do have such feeling that I really could do this for my living. I never had that feeling when doing the IT studies and the work practices of it - even if the work practice places were great and I liked to be in those places. It was merely just teaching me for a hobby so that I wouldn`t feel myself totally idiot with the computers. But then again, did I really learn anything special during those 3 years I spent there? -Not much. I knew HTML already and coded pages with my bare hands, so all in all the real thing I got from there was using the CSS and masks. Oh yes, I learned to hate Photoshop even deeper than what I did before that! (Omg... Sidepaths again! )

**sighs** So, sad that my teacher had so little time to spend there. I had bunch of things in my mind to ask or tell about, and he couldn`t even shake the hands of the garage chief who originally took me in to do my work practice in this place where I have been the past 4 weeks. Pity, because I had hoped for that my teacher could tell more about me to them, because now I feel I might have been again a bit too hard on myself when doing my summary about how I`ve done the things. He at least says always I`m too hard on myself, but let`s remember the entry from Friday, 16th of Dec, 2005 under the topic "Dreams" and we remember that my teacher can only be the person to show me the way, but I`m the one to walk through the doors he can`t. I`m the one to make my own success or failure and I can`t give in to the chance for low scores. A girl looses the battle for a job as a repairperson if she has as good grades as a guy has who`s applying for the same job. A girl MUST be TWICE as good as a guy, to be even half from the shadow of the guy. And I intend to be good enough to earn my place in this male dominated world of vehicles. I know what SoHe stuff is (also at its worse moments as well as on the best times) and I know I don`t want to do that when I`m +40 and same goes to the Business & Administration stuff - especially when it comes to doing a small everyday market stuff. I`ve always been liking more the "boyish toys", although I wouldn`t wish to change my gender for any price. And this work practice of mine has again taught me how much more I enjoy working with men because guys are more straight & honest, while in female dominated working places there rules the gossips, backstabbing and all kind of complicated social games and twists, which forces you to play along or you end up to the group of outsiders. Guys say more staight what they think about something or someone, and I prefer that over the "Yes, but..."

After my teacher and the other student were gone I snooped to see if they had come with his car or borrowed the school`s car and as I had had a haunch - they had 1 of the cars of school in use. () After that I returned quickly to my guiding mechanian to ask what I could do and I suggested that I could go to bug the other mechanian who I have been helping also while my own guide has been either wanted to do something without someone else sneaking behind his back or to be guarded, or that he simply didn`t have anything for me to offer and I got immediately the same old tasks I`ve about every time gotten from him. (Battery, tyres, oil change... On this time I could do even the filter all alone and even put the oils in. ) When I was back at my own guide and we were done pretty much everything (He even allowed me to put the oils in too, while he discussed with an other mechanian about something related to their work - I didn`t listen what.) - the joborganizer person comes to me and tells I can do the very first overhaul to the Renault that was standing in front of "our" lift. First I didn`t even register properly what he was saying and I was thinking that he was just talking to my guide who was after all rather near me too, but when the organizer person looks at me and hands the job list to me I slowly start to understant that its indeed me who he means and at the same time I`m overjoyed for this remarkable gesture of trust (Before my work practice began, my teacher had warned me that I can prepare myself to stand silently and watch how the pros do the overhauls & repairs and even the garage chief had spoken in such way that "Well, perhaps we can let you dirt your overall on the last day but most of the time you`re just standing there out of the way of the real mechanians and watch `em working..."), but at the same time I realized that this was at the same time a preliminay test for that I had asked if it might be possible also to get a summer job from there. I was feeling nervous, since I noticed some mechanians watching me and chatting and those 2 couldn`t even advise me when I asked how to adjust the height of light when it was appearing too low on the other front lamp! Fortunately my own guide at least told me the best tool for it, but I had to try via failure the light adjusting. I know I did some unnecessary movements and buzzings between the car and the overhaul duty list, and that I didn`t immediately spot everything in the engine room that I had to check, but that`s entirely the fault of my feelings of being excited and nervous. I even had to go to "argue" with the repair part sales to get the oil changing parts since nothing was booked ready because it was so new car - almost brand new.
I must admit I relaxed quite a lot when the joborganized arraged a lift for me and I could get myself away from the eyes of the most of the spectators. And although there came a complete family to buzz and watch my working when 1 other mechanic was doing some overhaul to their car right in front of my lift, I surprised myself by not taking any extra pressure from it and by appearing cool and like if I had known exactly what I was doing then, even if I was only pretty sure of that I knew what I was doing then. Fortunately the first overhaul is so simple to do, compared to the later ones. Still despite from that I did a lot of unnecessary movements and forgot to check this and that, and when I go again to read the list with a thought, I notice the things undone or half done and take a few deep and calming breaths repeating to myself "Calm down now dear girl. There`s no rush - just do what you have to do. You`re now one of the mechanians and you can show now what you are able to do. They trust you. They trusted enough to give this task for you to do and care."

I think I did it just fine at the end anyway. I left the easy task of oil changing to the end so that I could relax myself with the fact that at least the second last thing to do would be simple and familiar and when I was replacing a new oil filter on its place (my guide had had to open the old one for me because it was too tightly fastened for me. I couldn`t get a proper grip on it even with the right tools.) the customer/owner of the car comes to me and sees the oil that has leaked from the filter removal. (It would have leaked from anyone because of the way the filter is fastened to its place, so it wasn`t entirely my fault.) he looks and asks if I`m starting or about to end my work and if that oil on the bottom of the car is result of leakage, but I just smiled politely and answered that it was from the filter removal, and that the engine is perfectly clean otherwise. He looks to me like if he`s not taking me seriously and when I`m fastening the bottom armour back on its place he comes back again and almost insist on that he can drive his car off the garage but I say it`s still missing the test drive and he looks a bit like if he`s not trusting his precious car in my hands because I look so young and I`m a girl after all, but because I`m a mechanian at least in his eyes because I wear no tag on my overall telling me to be an apprentice and because my overall is the same kind as the others have too, he can`t raise a hell about me driving his jewel and I headed outside the garage for a short test ride. I couldn`t help hearing in my mind my mom saying that I must drive carefully because I have a strange car under myself, but the test drive goes just fine. (I didn`t even manage to shut it down to the crossings, even if it`s gone 1 and 1/2 weeks from my last proper driving with a manual geared car.) The car acted beautifully, but when I arrived back, I screw up with the locks of the doors and I have to pick up help from my guide, who solves the problem and advised me for the next possible case in the same nature. It was also giving me fantastic feelings when I spotted some looseness on the right front tyre and I had to ask an other mechanian to check my findings. He goes under the car and tells me to shake the tyre and the problem is gone and he says the problem to be exactly that what I had doubted it to be. Yippiee! I did my first overhaul myself! I`m so delighted for that gesture of trust and that I managed to do it alright, despite of the unnecessary nervousness and worrying. I`m feeling so happy that even if the customer was looking my overhaul document paper and examined my name for the possibility that I had screwed up something so that he would know who to blame, it ain`t casting much shadow over my feeligns of success. At least I think I didn`t screw up much.

Omg! It`s approximately 1 and 1/2 hours to the moment I must wake up again and start a new day. Whoops! I`ve been babbling so much here now...
Anyway, even if it`s here already 10th of Feb, 2006, I`m posting this entry as it were written on 9th of February instead. That`s after all the right day I`m talking about and also the day when I started to write it. I`ve just been on so talkative mood again... Babble, babble, babble... And Mr. Teacher: I intend to have that summing chat moment with you about this work practice when I return back to school! And I have listed down all kind of smaller and bigger thing I need to get done for my "white knight" before it can go to the inspection. And I don`t plan on doing the inspection visit twice, so put me work so well that my car goes through on the first shot!.

Mood:  quizzical

Why I have felt recently that I`d like to write something or tell this and that in this blog of mine, but every time when I open the editor page and am about to start to write something the blank page, empty typing boxes and the "Now playing" music drains my ideas and I don`t know anymore what to write. Well I have something in my mind, whch I`ve kept from posting here for already a few months since I think most people who would read it, thinks "Yeah right!"
Well I guess it`s been buzzing in my head, disturbing me enough so that I actually could write it here and release myself from the burden of it. O.k., it ain`t really a burden, but still that thing feel so odd even to me, but shows clearly that the visual memory is my best and what happens when the kinesthetic and auditive memory types takes extra boost and all those 3 types of remembering thngs works like a dream - with a remarkable perfection. More about that in my next post...

P.s. Last week I bought the CD I`m playing right now (see "Now Playing"-line) and I was rather disappointed to it. The only exception so far is this "Back in the loop" -song I already knew back then when this CD/song was released and I liked it already then. Hmmm... This song fits to the moment of Venom`s return in Megazone family. I haven`t published anything new for a long time relating to the BMFM since it`s been more on the background because of that oh so many times already mentioned non-BMFM writing process I`ve been. This song has been making me to think more about my furry heroes, but especially my own dynamic duo Mizeleingzelo and Venom.

Hmmm... I checked the profile pages of these 2 already mentioned mice and noticed a bunch of typos and dead links. Well, not dead really, since tere are links to pages I never created - like e.g. the profile page of Qeen Death. Seems like there`s my next target for fixing. Oh boy... This website is falling apart now when I haven`t been workig with it constantly.

Mood:  don't ask

Personally, I must admit I was afraid but now I`m feeling relieved. The citizens of Finland chose Tarja Halonen for the presient of this tiny nordic republic. Conan O`Brian seems to feel the same as I do, at least far as I know. **grins** I was afraid the media could get its fave, the capitalist Niinistö through. Well, as Mr, Niinistö said himself "Finns have been able to choose the right president for the right time." (Translation by me and therefore I must immediately declare my disclaimer-clause here for the possible mistranslations & underderstandings. Mistakes are possible and therefore I ask people to correct me rather than heading to sue me immediately. I`m not responsible for the things a former president candidate said - I only tried to translate his words to the readers of this blog as carefully as I could.)

I`m feeling lazy to babble anything else right now to my blog and I`ll be heading now back to heat up my little house - continuing the writing process of my non-bm-related story (the 2nd story to be exact). More information about the president of Finland at the website of the president of the republic of Finalnd. (The pages behind the link are in English for the readers` pleasure.)

Mood: Sleepy

Now playing: Randy Katana: "In Silence" (Ron van den Beuken Radio Edit) (track: 2) and Dj Wout: "Mastermind" (Radio Edit), CD: "Chapter Trance 2" (Distributed by: The Dance Division)

Just checking the e-mails and some newer pics at DeviantArt while cleaning up and organizing the storage boxes under my bed. I had no mood for writing anything special, so I decided to skip that for today.

As I mentioned in 1 of my posting at DA - I have currently running 2 non-BMFM stories on the writing process, plus the sequel for the first one. The one which has the sequel is the one that I`ve already been mentioning here in this blog, but when I went for my x-mas holiday in Lappland - I saw two-parted dream that partly used the same characters that appear in the 1st non-BMFM story, but the charactersthemselves were still a bit different like than the ones in the 1st story are. Therefore I developed a new set of characters to the same base I had n the 1st story, but I changed and altered `em to meet more the figures that appeared in that dream. May sound a bit messy, but since I prefer still to keep silence about the details of those stories - I have to avoid telling anything that reveals too much. On the another hand I`ve kept my non-BMFM stuff separate from the BMFM-universe I`ve created, so therefore I also prefer not to talk too much about `em here in this blog. ...Just to let you dear readers to know I haven`t been resting still all this time and on monday I`m starting a work practice also. But now I must quit for this time. It`s far too late for me to stay up since I have to go to work, but I`m desperately trying to get Angelfire to publish my postings again. (Read it refuses to function and save my postings.)

Raisa Is Gone!

Mood:  blue

Now playing: Alex Fakey: "Painted Black" (Syntone Edit) (track: 13) from the CD: "Chapter Trance 2" (Distributed by: The Dance Division)

I haven`t written anything about my bunnies for nearly a year. It`s a shame, but I got my bunny pictures off from Vinnie II`s computer not until we separated. Raisa and Pyry had 2 huge sets of cubs: 13 on the 1st time and 9 on the second time - from which survived 6 on the 1 time and 8 on the second time, despite of all the vitamins and care I tried to give for Raisa especially. Anyway, I think two sets of that size took much of energy from Raisa, and weakened her rather permanently. I was on a holiday for 1 week as I told on the previous entry and my parents were caring my bunnies. But on the 2nd day after I had arrived back home, I go to feed my bunnies right after returning home from my work and find Raisa breathing heavily and her heart beats extremely fast. She doesn`t bother even if I pet her and try to examine her which raises my alarm bells ringing fast and loud in my mind. I call to my mom and accuse them for bad treatment, while Pyry and the two boys Turbo and Tuisku left from the second set of the cubs appears just fine and normal - a perfectly healthy trio. I call even to my vet but I think he doesn`t take bunnies seriously as pets. I`ve noticed he prefers more the animals that are useful - like dogs, cats and cows - and he treats me a bit ugly on the phone and states it would be better to kill the bunny immediately. Not very long time after that Raisa starts to collapse in my hands and makes her desperate struggles, sauys "Ungh!" and after that she stops breathing while heart still beats for a little while - shutting down at the end.

My parents arrived not very long time after that, finsing me crying inthe cowbarn and holding the dead black bunny who had white stripe around her neck, white socks on the front paws and white nose. I put Raisa in a box with dad and we put her to the woodwarehouse to wait for the funeral which we had today. I miss you Raisa!

Merry X-mas 2005!

Mood: Festive

I wish for each and everyone the season`s greetings.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Yule or whatever you`re celebrating. And of course... Happy New Year. I won`t be around for a little while, I`m packing right now since I`m having a holiday from the net and will be only bugging my family members during that holiday and after that when I return, I will continue bugging my school mates and of course... tear and torture the short nerves of my teacher.

I got ok season at my new school, with ok grades. I have gotten a more permanent working contract and nice x-mas bonus. ^^ Even my car looks much prettier now when I fixed it. The only sad thing that had to happen was that Vinnie II started to act violently towards me when he got angry and jealous, so I had to make my decision and kick him out of my life. I had told him I won`t tolerate that he hits or tries to hit me (I could defend myself quite well, so I wasn`t afraid of him at all at any moment.) but he still did that when he got furious.
There`s nothing to be ashamed from my side. I refuse(d ) to be a victim and stand(/stood ) on my own feet. I am after all Mizeleingzelo de Megazone - Daughter of Death - Queen and the leader of my own world.

I won`t step to live in the shadows and bow to a jealous VanWham. Some day I will finish the yet unfinished pictures where Vinnie II appears (for all of those I have recieved permission from Vincent "Vinnie" van Wham II before I`ve started the drawing process) but now I will focus on other targets. Life goes on.

Now Playing: Quench: "Dreams" and Blokka "Dig Deep" from the CD: "The World of Trance" © & (P) 1995 ZYX-MUSIC
Miss Shiva: "Dreams" from the CD: Best of Dream Dance, The Special Megamix Edition 2 - A Collection of The Best Dream Dance Hymns © 2002 Sony Music Entertainment (Germany) GmbH & Co. KG.

It`s a question of the same "Dreams" -song represented by 2 different bands and I had difficulties to choose which one of these versions very much alike is more fitting. Perhaps the version of Quench fits more, since the bells in the Miss Shiva`s version reminds me too much from the church bells of `S-Hertogenbosch (a.k.a. "Den Bosch") in Netherlands and they are perhaps slightly too joyfull. (Wedding bells perhaps?). On the another hand the version of Quench makes me feel especially in the beginning to feel like if I`d see all kind of flashes of hard life. Perhaps I`ve matched this song/version (too) strongly to the de Megazones and especially to Venom Predator and his life and along with the music comes flashes from his life that hasn`t been the most joyfull. Well, whose life would be the happiest, if he/she has to march to the war against stronger enemy and watch how his/her friends and people he/she used to know, dies around him/her in the battles and life partner ends up to have a child with someone else than he/she.

O.k. Since I got again Angelfire`s blog to operate with me, I`m posting, posting and posting even more. Readers be happy and enjoy!

A little before my newest school began I saw a dream that carried my subconscious` message for day-time appereance. Laugh at me if you don`t believe, but I do see at times dreams that tries to advise me for the future. Of course I do see and remember that I have seen just very ordinary dreams, but every time I see a dream that carries a message for me, the atmosphere in the dream is different, but always the same kind. It presses me much harder and it stays in my mind stronger and longer than ordinary dreams. They never really tell "this all what you see, will happen" but more they try to wake me to do or notice something that I might skip otherwise.

There are 3 different kind of dreams I see. Group 1 is the ordinary, non-messaging dreams, which are either A) totally result of wild imagination (e.g. The dreams from where I`ve written the story of "The Modo-Dream"), B) sums up or repeats events that have happened or which I will/should do (e.g. I`m downhill skiing if I did that whole day after a long time.), or C) Nightmares. (e.g. I`ve watched a film late in the evening that upset my sleepy mind a bit too much.) To these dreams I can affect most of the time if I want so.

Group 2 dreams are softly symbolical but rather easy to figure out their meaning with the help of general dream books (Don`t interpret everything by Freud`s dream interpretation book! It`s fun at times but doesn`t always tell the truth with me at least.)
I don`t always need a book to unveil the secrets of these dreams and sometimes the books interpret the dreams differently than what they truly are. Most important is your own experience of the meanings of different things to you. Sometimes the cigar is just a cigar, as Freud has admitted too. These dreams are usually a bit heavier than the dreams of Group 1 and what is most significant with this and the dreams of Group 3, is that I can`t change `em. If I try to, my subconscious snaps back at me and gives a lecture to my daytime consciousness to sit down, shut up and just watch, listen and learn. And if I still keep pushing and wanting to change the way the things goes, the dream ends immediately and the rest of the night I see just plain Group 1 dreams that I may forget or remember - depending on how much I`m pissed off to myself for poking the subconscious towards the ways my conscious day-time part had wanted it to go.

Group 3 dreams are heavily symbolized. I see these dreams very rarely, since they usually carry the heaviest messages, and therefore they tend to appear only at the more radical changes that affects in my life. The dream I already told I had seen some time before the beginning of my newest school started, was this kind of dream. I can rarely rely on the dream books when I`m interpretating the messages of the dreams that belongs to this category and usually they clear out to me only when I start to tell the dream to someone else. Usually then when I`m digging up the details from my memories, it all clears to me. And that dream in August was no exception. The only thing that I misinterpret in the first place when I was clearing to myself the message told in that dream, was 1 person who represented character with authority although the person in my dream was my ex-classmate and same aged with me. Later, about 3 weeks ago from the moment I`m writing this, I saw another dream - this time it was Group 2 levelled - that repeated my earlier message to myself. The dream itself was different than the heavily symbolized original dream, but all the same it carried the reminding of the message that the original had brought to my consciousness. The person in the original dream (my ex-classmate) had switched to the person he was representing (my teacher who I didn`t know yet back then) and now the teacher himself said and showed the message to me. The general of the original dream who had led the troops and lead me to tough situations had switched to my teacher who showed me a tough way from where I had to go first, climb against the tiring duties and demandings but if I did it all well enough - if I dare to put myself into the game and sweat for better future - then at the end my hard working should be rewarded. My teacher said in my dreams "I can only show you the way - it`s you who have to walk it." That doesn`t need much interpretation, it`s clear and straight words. If I`m following the footsteps of Charley, I must be tough and hard working. No-one will bring me a feast table in front of me - I have to earn it first myself and then make it for myself and enjoy afterward from the fruits of that hard working. My cannon has switched to 2 kitchen knives that I used to despise as a weaponry. My original plan for going to university has switched to 2 vocational educations that I used to despise, but now slowly I`m starting to realize that the game is not over yet - it`s changed and I can still stand as the winner on the end. But close by a destruction I will probably travel, if I`m not carefull enough. A bomb may explode in my hands if I don`t notice it early enough and do something to it. Only I can do it. Only I can make my life a total failure or some sort of success. Before the final scores I must keep up whipping myself to the best I can give. I can`t give in to the failure and low points. I must do my best. Now and forever.

Mood:  d'oh

Since Vinnie II moved out of my house, he also ripped the server computer in pieces and told me to build it up myself if I wanted it to be rolling again. I guess I gotta do it soon, but now at least I`m too buzy arranging the official stuff related to our separation and of course my school and job takes their own shares from my life. Plus that currently I have had more interst on writing totally non-BMFM related story and its sequel simultaneously. My new school is continuously inspiring me for making up things and events into that little writing project. Good thing in that sense that I haven`t been really writing anything at this scale after I had started writing my Modo/BMFM fan fiction "The Modo-Dream". The writing process of that story is much further than the already published version, but I haven`t yet found a good spot where to cut it and publish 1 part and still leave the end part under processing. Vinnie II snarled to me when I was writing this already mentioned non-BMFM story on my laptop that I should finish "Megazone Family" before the new BMFM series begins, but I bluntly stated it to be pure impossebility. Such a megalomaniac "saga" of one family and its relation to the Plutarkian War and rest of the mouse population doesn`t come "on the paper" in one or two days - or even in 1 or 2 months, if it has taken this far to proceed on the level where it is now. But to be honest, I think now I have more rage and will for revenge to be able to write more the de Megazones vs. the VanWhams fight situations and humiliate Vinnie in the ways that Vinnie II almost got me to forget ) (He almost got me to think what`s the purpose of all this dM vs. VW -shit? Let`s all be friends and lovers! )

Now of course you all think I`m just a bitter bitch (Excuse me for saying that word aloud, but let`s be honest. Is`at okay? Hit me with a comment if you feel so!) and raging to poor Vinnie II and punishing our ended relationship in this way. No, as I have told on The Discussion Board of The Unofficial BMFM Fan Club already since the beginning of my apperence there - the de Megazones and the VanWhams are arch enemies and age long rival families to each other and it was a common joke among many fans on that discussion forum how in real life a "VanWham" and a "de Megazone" ended up together in love. Unfortunately I don`t have same kind of powers as my name charcter, Mizeleingzelo and her family members have - I certainly would have wanted, wished and had use for `em many times. On the another hand since we`re being honest, I could empty the stocks of bad feelings, irritation, frustration, dissapointment, bitterness and rage and write on the paper all the awful things I had planned for these two families to happen.
Anyway, me and Vinnie II are not feeling rage at each other at this moment. I just talked on the with him about the official details of this separation and his property that we sent on last week`s Thursday to his parents` place and all this we did with friendly mannners - even smiled a bit to each other in the phone. However this freedom I`ve had for 1 week now has been like a warm and fresh breath of wind on a summerday in my life. I know when the time goes forward I will probably start to miss a bit Vinnie II and the nice moments we had but probably I will start to miss a man`s arms in general rather than specially someone certain`s arms. In this case "someone certain" can mean any guy in this world, who has or would by the time become (very) special to me in some way.

Bekcy Is Back!

Mood:  celebratory

I`m stuck on '80s cars. I like their shape. I like the certain roughness they still have and the simplicity of `em. Back then cars weren`t full of computers and the kind of technology they have now, plus there is much more space to work under the hatch of "engine room". In the modern cars you often nearly have to rip off half of the engine even to chance the .

When I was looking for a car for myself over 2 years ago, I didn`t have much money to spend on it. I was doing the searching with my father and finally we spotted a pearl among the rubbish. A white knight of the roads rode in to my life and has been in many hard places with me ever since. I hate to admit that I treat the worst those who are closest to me and the same comes with my car. However he has been faitful to me kept its rusting problems away from my eyes for a long time, till it was spreaded on rather bad levels on the area of the back tyres.

One day I took the topic to the daylight with my teacher when I was washing my car at school and we agreed a day when I would bring it in for rustfixing. The process was slow since I`m a total beginner and it even became slower because of the partial working days we had because the teacher had to go to all kind of courses and meetings all the time. Finally on 14th of December 2005 I drove out of the garage with the proudness for owning again such a handsome car. And "Bekcy" as I call him, has again been purring in my hands and thanked me with his desires to ride on the roads known and unknown. The white knight of the roads is back again!