My daily morning routine was recently thrown a curveball when I had to wake up earlier for a stupid Equal Opportunity meeting I had to attend (I am now my company's new EO Officer. Yay! No increased pay). And since I woke up earlier, my roommate was in the bathroom thus changing my morning habits. So instead of walking to the bathroom in my boxers, I decided to put on my pants first but decided not to zip up my fly since I knew I was going to go to the bathroom and pee. Why pull it up if I am about to pull it down? So when all was said and done in my morning routine, I hop on the subway and get a funny look from some guy. Next thing you know, I take my seat at the meeting in between 2 women and that is when I realize that my fly is wide open. I will never know if they knew...but they were quite friendly with me.
I went to a boring meeting on Wednesday and fortunately for me, there was food and coffee at the meeting. So my tactic for staying awake...eat alot of food and drink alot of coffee that way I can constantly take bathroom breaks and the urge to poop can keep me awake. Trying to hide an open fly will work too and that includes trying to pull it up without looking like a pervert reaching down his pants
I started reading the Bill Clinton autobiography and I must say, it is the biggest book I have ever read (or currently reading). It is too heavy to lug on my commute and it is too heavy to hold over my head while reading in bed. Therefore, it will take me at least a year to read. And yes, it is too heavy to read on the can.
Fun Fact on Bill:
It turns out that Bill Clinton was completely misunderstood by Monica Lewinsky. She was simply asking him where the bathrooms are located and Big Bill smoothly replied, "There is one down the hall, one above me and Below Me" (sounds alot like "Blow Me")
Chow Duck Way
9) When I'm about to hand a receptionist mail and she stares at me blankly as if I'm trying to sell them something.... stop being stupid and take the mail....
8) People who stop me and talk to me about thier lives.... Listen, I understand that it sucks you and your 17 year old daughter don't get along or how bad the cockroach problem is in your building but I'm a mailman and not a therapist.... if you want me to listen to your stupid problems, start paying me psychiatrist rates and I'll gladly listen....
7) Mailboxes from the 50's and letter sized door slots.... welcome to the present time people.... how in the hell do you want me to fit your 5 letters, 2 magazines and 3 flyers into a door slot messuring 3.5 x 1 inches...?? simple, I rubber band it and throw it in your flowerbed....
6) People telling me how nice the weather is.... yeah, it's nice for you sitting in your lawnchair with a mai tai.... not so nice for me as I walk house to house with sweat pouring down my face.....
5) Days after holidays.... I used to like holidays, I really did.... now I go to work the next day and am expected to deliver about a phonebooks worth of mail to each house.... Columbus Day nearing, damn him for discovering America....
4) People who give me a large bundle of mail to deliver when they have a mailbox not a block away..... bitch, see this full bag around my shoulder...?? yeah, it's heavy, now walk your fat ass 20 paces to your left and you'll find this big blue box convienently called a mailbox and you insert your letters there....
3) Pennysavers.... does anyone actually read these things...?? well, I hope so because it generally doubles the weight of the mail for that day.... if your on a route I'm delivering, there's a very good chance you won't be getting one.....
2) When it's raining and people tell me to stay dry.... how the hell am I going to stay dry in terrential downpour...?? Do I have some sort of magical shield repelling the water...? I know I'm fast but not fast enough to walk between rain drops....
1) Mailman aren't represented well in TV or Movies... think about it.... Cliff Claven, a beer swigging idiot who spends all of his time in a bar....?? Newman, the portly arch rival of comedian Jerry Seinfeld.... Or how about that guy in Better Off Dead who's opening and dropping all of the mail on route to John Cusacks house while reading 'how to pick up sleazy women'..... and lastly, that son of a bitch Kevin Costner and his stupid movie The Postman.... let me see, in a post apocalyptic era, do you think my number one priority would be deliveing mail...?? me thinks not.....
Kevin Comment: F-ing Hilarious! Once again, Chris' competitive nature has humbled me again.
When I used to work at Baskin Robbins, I would enjoy playing tricks on my fellow co-workers. One trick I had up my sleeve was my famous rat tail trick. I would take an ice cube, wet it and then attach a dirty mop string to it and put it in the freezer so it would stick together. And since we had frequent appearances of mice, I would play off of people's fears and take my makeshift "ice mice" and slide them on the floor towards my co-workers feet and watch them jump. Oh, what fun!
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