INTRO NOTE: The Chronic is your break from "Work" so please take time to enjoy it (no skimming please). Put off all that important stuff and relax, your "work" will still be there when you die.
Cast your votes! Not because it has any affect on the outcome but because you are entitled to time off from work. Fuck the system that fucks us!
I used to try to save money for the company by trying to shop for the cheapest office supplies, using the 2 sides of paper before throwing it out, and putting forth my best effort to fundraise...until I rationalized the fact that the money I save is not going towards my imaginary raise but for some overpaid co-workers' raises who use this job as supplemental income to add to their overpaid teaching positions. Their supplemental income is still more than my only income...and I still have to do their work. Please fire me!
In hopes of renting Van Helsing, I went to 3 Blockbusters and 1 Hollywood Video only to get rejected at all of them. I hate renting movies!
I learned everything I needed to know about satisfying a woman through Men's Health Magazine. Every woman should thank my Dad for subscribing to it.
2. Drink on an empty stomach and hang out entirely at the bar instead of your table
3. Eat a pork chop with your hands and spit the bones behind the bar and on the floor...while the restaurant manager is watching you
4. Knock part of the bar over and spill beer everywhere...almost twice
5. Shake hands and introduce yourself to the same Board Member...twice
6. Raise your fist in the air and chant the company name
7. Make jokes about other co-worker's overpaid salaries
8. Hop on a randomly parked scooter in the street, put on the helmet and almost fall over...and then spit on the scooter as you get off
9. Pass out in the restaurant
10. Throw up with your head hanging out the window of Dan's Mini Cooper and have some of the mist hit Kevin in the back seat
11. Puke and Pass out on the front steps of your office building with vomit all over your pant leg...and then have your Boss randomly drive by the office to find you with your head in your lap
12. Have Kevin escort you inside the office building and tell you to sleep it off in the hallway. Kevin was nice enough to give "Raymond" 3 bags of 2 year old candy to take away the puke flavor but "Raymond" decided to use them as pillows instead.
I wish the story could end there but unfortunately, my good deeds for drunks never turns out well for me. We all know too well that helping drunk people is not only a pain in the ass but often goes unnoticed and unreturned. I did get thanked but my karma had other plans...
Since my Boss was fully aware of the "Raymond" Situation, he decided to call me at 9:30am to make sure "Raymond" was OK. He apparently tried to call "Raymond" but he never answers the Boss' phone calls so the Boss tries to call me next. As I stumble barefoot out of bed to answer my damn cell phone, I feel a smoosh beneath my feet. I look and YES! I step in a pile of dog poop...barefoot. It was left by my girlfriends spiteful dog who loves to poop inside the house to get my attention. So now, all my hopes of getting back to sleep are foiled as I try to wash the crap off my foot in the shower. I rub the soap on my foot and then realize later that I am using the same soap on the rest of my body, including my face.
"Raymond" got wasted and I got "shitfaced"
At last week's Staff Meeting, boredom settled in as other people started talking about things that did not concern the rest of us who actually have things to do so "Raymond" decided to draw a "B" (representing Boston Red Sox) on his note pad. So in retaliation, I started drawing the charicatures of the Red Sux. One thing led to another and soon my whole page was full of Red Sux doodle. All this fun started to make us giggle but unfortunatley at the most innappropriate time. Our Boss was talking about a mugging of lady that happened in front of our building as we sat there desperately waiting for a moment to break out into laughter. My tactic...cover my mouth, hold my breath, clear my throat and laugh hard at the first joke anyone makes. I am actually looking forward to our next doodle session to see who will crack first. Boy, did I come close.
SIDENOTE: The Red Sox fans are so used to losing that they have no idea what to do when they finally win...so they trash their own streets and riot. Losers! You Idiots killed one of your own fans. Go back to losing!
"Hi, I'm Jason Giambi and it's all my fault the Yankees lost. Pay me."
I sent an Evite out for my Halloween party. The good thing is that alot of people replied but too bad I have more people telling me they are not coming compared to the 3 people who say they are.
Michael Brendar SIDENOTE: He once got into a fistfight with a kid for ripping his tee shirt during tackle football. It wasn't as badass as it sounds :(
My new approach to make work tolerable is to act like every day is your last at your job. Talk back, complain, whine and do your worst and maybe, just maybe, I will be lucky enough to get fired and collect unemployment. No such luck. I am the glue that holds this company together. And watching the movie "Office Space" doesn't help either. It just makes you more depressed about our miserable rat race existence.
Closer...If you have a problem at work (some report I am supposed to do but have no idea how to), ignore it and it will eventually be forgotten. As I was writing this, my forgotten problem came back to haunt me. I guess I will just keep putting it off and look for a new job.
Thanks for Reading,
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