Bitchavia

Likes: lip balms of all types; mocking people behind their backs; pretending she's a member of 'N Sync; the Gap triumverate; girly Nora Ephron movies; strong tea with lots of milk; and making illegal copies of Kitchen Party.

Dislikes: the exchange rate; living without Old Navy; hot weather (anything over 25 C); not being able to see over airplane seats to watch the movie; red beverages; people who clip their nails in public; mock turtlenecks and mullets (aka hockey hair).

In a nutshell: Bitchavia writes government propaganda for a living and thinks she's funny, but everyone knows public servants are humourless and scary.

Carmexa

Likes: Carmex, the crack cocaine of lip balm; Canada (likes isn't even the right word; she loves Canada with a passion never felt by actual Canadians); pulpy orange juice; museum gift shops; Martha Stewart (even though she's an evil dominatrix); cilantro-y salsa; procrastinating; Count Chocula cereal (mmm, chocolate. mmm, marshmallows. mmm, combination); Super Grover and excruciatingly long walks.

Dislikes: people who eat loudly; bylaws prohibiting cutlery on window ledges; fruit desserts; being interrupted during Felicity; bad grammar; mushy fruit; Texas; the world "relay" as used by Dyslexia; Gwyneth Paltrow; slow walkers; and worms (except shining ones).

In a nutshell: Carmexa is currently a college student in New York but apsires to be a Supreme Court justice so she can wield power unwisely and wear scary black robes.

Dyslexia

Likes: Muppets; chumming up to local music types; scalding hot or half-frozen beverages (nothing in between); JCrew (aka, "The Crew"); spending insane amounts of money on music; self-mutilation

Dislikes: Litter (it's an almost disturbing abhorance, really); the traffic-merging-impaired; corporate buzzwords that attempt to shield poo-bahs from doing actual work; neverending, unrelenting Catholic guilt (eternal damnation is mine!)

In a nutshell: Dyslexia was an English major, but cannot spell to save her life (She's also got serious issues with verb conjugation and time-zone translation, but let's not dwell on the negative.). She currently slaves away for The Man in the Midwest, and can talk like that chick from Fargo. Before long, she'll be teaching the nation's impressionable youth. Scary shit.

Litigia

Likes: Hillary Clinton; The Onion; Chick-Fil-A chicken nuggets; red meat; down comforters; vodka tonics; Maeve Binchy novels; long skirts;love letters from former clients in jail; words “not guilty,” arguing, and free gifts from department store makeup counters.

Dislikes: George W. Bush; Wanda from E! Online; seafood; sport utility vehicles; televangelists; undecided voters; drug and prostitution laws; people who drive slowly in the left lane; every New York sports team (especially the Yankees); being put on hold; the guy who stole the airbags out of my car; people who have an irrational hatred of Texas; the minions of Satan, namely John Ashcroft; and people who say “nucular” .

In a nutshell: Litigia is a public defender. She is loved by her friends and colleagues because she laughs at all their stupid jokes.