Moving On, Schmoving On
Episode 409: Moving On

Who wants a snappie? You do, you do!

By Litigia

Felicity is working at Dean & Deluca in slow motion. Ben approaches and stares at her through the window. He looks very sad. ["And VERY hot." --Carmexa] We go to regular speed as Ben walks in and apologizes to Felicity for being late. He walks away and she looks after him. She is completely in another world and doesn't notice that a customer is waiting for her. When she finally snaps out of it and asks him what he wants, he says that she screwed up his coffee. He said that he wanted it with 2% milk and instead, it has whole milk. Felicity insists that she made it herself and that she definitely used 2% milk. Ben watches as the Rude Guy insists that Felicity screwed it up. Ben comes over and tells the customer that he is the manager. He asks what the problem is. Rude Guy explains the 2% issue and says that he's on a diet and he can taste the fat globules. ["A couple of things. First. I'm all about the fat globules. I throw screaming tantrums if anyone gives me non-skim milk. That's right: non-SKIM milk. There are still trillions of fat globules in 2% milk! Believe me! They haunt me in my sleep! Secondly. This scene reminds me of the Tenacious D song 'Drive-Thru.' When Jack Black starts talking about watching his calorie intake, I about wet myself. But yeah, Rude Parka Guy is an asshole." --Carmexa] ["LOVE Tenacious D! 'I'm trying to watch my figure.' Heehee!" -Dyslexia] Ben pretends to sympathize with him and proceeds to pull some money out of the cash register. He tells him to take his four bucks and go buy his 2% latte somewhere else. Rude Guy says he's never coming back again. Good. I didn't like him. ["Speedy does a great job fake-sympathizing. Cracked me up." -Dyslexia] Or his weird looking coat with a fur-trimmed hood. ["I would have made him another latte and spit in it behind his back." - Bitchavia] Felicity chuckles and thanks Ben. She starts to walk away but Ben stops her and tells her that he's been meaning to talk to her and that he should have called her. Felicity says it's okay, but Ben says that it's not because he said he would call her. He insists on apologizing and Felicity accepts. Ben asks her very sweetly how she is doing. ["I know that we say it every recap, and frankly, it is probably least true in this episode, but Ben really is perfect. If he doesn't want to call his skank-ho ex-girlfriend who boned an effeminate asshole who claims to be her best friend, that's his perogative! He'll do what he wants to do! But since he's perfect, he apologizes. Sigh." --Carmexa] Felicity says that she's good, but you can tell that she is not. Ben says that he's glad and Felicity says that she's glad that he's glad. Jesus, just get back together already! We know you both want to! Don't make us wait until the winter finale! Anyway, Felicity asks Ben if he wants to get together and talk. Ben says sure and Felicity suggests that he come over that night because they have a lot of leftovers from Thanksgiving. Ben agrees. Felicity says that she'll see him there. Then she does this cute little nervous thing where she says that she'll see him here, but well, you know. It's really cute. She walks into the back room. Ben watches her for a moment, thinking, then follows her. He tells her that he doesn't think it is a good idea if he comes over. ["You know he's thinking, 'If I come over there, I'm not going to be able to resist. Look at what happened the last time I came over! We had mind-blowing sex! Shit, why don't I want to go over there again?' We don't know, Ben. Just go!" --Carmexa] ["No kidding. We know 'come over and eat leftovers' is totally a euphemism for 'hot sex'." - Bitchavia] Felicity just looks stunned. Ben tells her that he has been thinking and that he thinks they need to move on. Felicity looks like she wants to throw up and just says, "Oh, okay." Ben tells her that he thinks it's the best thing for both of us. Well, I don't! Sure, maybe you shouldn't just be jumping back into a relationship with each other like nothing happened. But that doesn't mean you need to start dating other people, dammit! ["Or having sex with them!" --Carmexa] Not when you are so obviously still in love with each other! No, no, no! Felicity very sadly says, "okay" and Ben says he's gonna get back to work and leaves. You could tell he just needed to get out of that room, knowing full well that he just completely broke Felicity's heart. Not that she didn't deserve it, but still. As hard as I try not to, I can't help but feel sorry for her. Keri Russell doesn't help matters by just standing there, using those damn facial expressions of hers that convey heartbreak and sorrow and total devastation. Damn, she's good. ["She's amazing. Her facial expressions reminded me of the scene in 'The List' where Ben said he wasn't happy. Both are just heartbreaking." - Dyslexia] ["I almost said that, Dys. I love it when I decide to leave out a bit of commentary and one of my co-goddesses fills it in for me. We share a brain, it is true." -Litigia]

Roll annoyingly upbeat credits. ["This is the part where I checked the VCR once again and scurried out the door on my way to Ryan Adams. Sorry, Carm, this is the LAST time I'll mention it. Kissy?" -Dyslexia]  ["No.  I'm too bitter to forgive you.  Oh, fine."  --Carmexa]

Javier wakes up on Felicity's couch. I guess he's been sleeping there since he left Samuel on Thanksgiving. I'm not going to go on an extended rant about how stupid the whole Javier/Samuel storyline is right now. ["But I will. Have the writers on this show been possessed by the spirits of Days of Our Lives writers? Do they think that unless relationships are in turmoil, they don't have any storylines? Why are they screwing with Javier and Samuel's relationship? There's been zero build-up to this. They're fighting and breaking up for the lamest reasons. Isn't it bad enough we have to watch the endless sabotage of Felicity and Ben's relationship? Okay, I'll stop now." - Bitchavia] But basically, I think it sucks. Javier puts on his glasses and the cutest fluffy slippers. He walks into the kitchen where Felicity and Elena are eating breakfast. Sensing the sadness in the air, he asks what is wrong with them. Elena tells him that Ben told Felicity he wants to move on. Javier wonders if that means that he is getting a new apartment. Elena explains to him that it means he wants to see other people. Javier is upset. Elena tells Felicity that she is going to make Ben find a new chemistry tutor. Why? Because Felicity fucked Noel? Why should Ben have to find a new tutor at close to the end of the semester because Felicity screwed around on him? ["Why is nobody telling Noel to go find new friends for the same reason?" - Bitchavia] Jesus. I know that Elena is Felicity's friend, but I am sick and tired of everyone treating Ben like he is the jerk in this situation. He's the one who got his heart ripped out and stomped on, people! Give him a break! Anyway, Felicity very thoughtfully tells Elena not to do that, because she doesn't want him to do badly. Javier is impressed with Felicity's angelic like behavior in the midst of her heartbreak. But in the absolute best line of the entire episode, Felicity responds, "If I was such an angel, none of this would be happening." ["Okay, sorry, but that was only the second best line of the entire episode. But it was good, yes. Go Felicity! Take that responsibility!" --Carmexa] ["So, um, what was the best line, then?" -Litigia] ["Duh.   'You look great.'  What is wrong with you?!?"  --Carmexa]  Amen, sista! Yes, her heart is breaking. But it is her own damn fault and it is about time the people around her stopped treating her like some martyr. Support her, yes. Listen to her, yes. But don't act like all this is being done to her. They remind me of some of my clients who are as guilty as sin and stand no chance of winning at trial, but who insist on going to trial anyway. Even though it means they will probably end up going to jail for longer than if they just pled guilty. They would rather go away for a longer time and be able to say, "The jury gave me twenty years," then to say, "I took five years for a robbery." Anyway, it's all about not taking responsibility. ["I don't really see how that's the same thing at all." --Carmexa] ["I think she's trying to play cool lawyer chick, no? But we love her, obviously." -Dyslexia] ["Her head is just spinning from all the tokens of affection being sent to her by all her criminal admirerers." - Bitchavia] ["Two red roses delivered in person from a man who beats up his girlfriend might freak you out, too!" -Litigia] And it sounds like Felicity is finally taking some. Good.

Elena tells Felicity that when she broke up with Tracy, she just tried to keep herself busy. ["I thought she moped around in Tracy's sweatshirt and bitched about Ben being a six-weeker? Why the hell would Felicity take advice from her?" -Dyslexia] Felicity says she's going to the art studio and Javier interjects that she's going to see A Streetcar Named Desire with him. Felicity says she's not really up for it, but Javier insists that she needs to come to protect him from this widow in his class who has a crush on him. Elena can't believe it. Javier tells her he doesn't like her tone. I don't like her, period. I used to like her. But after this episode, she really just needs to go to hell. ["If they're not going to give Elena a storyline, let's get her ass off the show. She's cutting into my Ben time." --Carmexa] You'll see what I mean later. Anyway, Javier tells her that there are plenty of women who like gay men more than straight men and Felicity says she feels that way right now. Javier is worried the woman will ask him out and he won't be able to say "no" because she is so sad, like a puppy dog with one of those cones on his head. Heh. He begs Felicity to go and she agrees. Javier tells her to wear something "alluring." Felicity leaves to go to the studio. Javier sits down and tells Elena that he has to do something about Ben and Felicity. Elena doesn't know what that could be and neither does Javier, but he says he can't just sit there "like a bump on a frog." Hee. ["Ah Javier, the Felicity gang's own Mrs.Malaprop." - Bitchavia]

Ben and Lauren are at the hospital cafeteria getting coffee. Lauren announces that she just extended her sublet for three months and she is now an official resident of New York City. Why doesn't she just go home? Ben's mom is there now. Nobody likes you, you stupid bitch! Dammit, it appears that Ben does. He tells her it is great. No, it's not! Trust me, Ben. In four months, you will completely agree with me that it is not great. Anyway, Lauren says that she thinks it is a good thing to just leave her old life behind and start over. ["Start over somewhere else! Like hell! I HATE YOU, WHOREBITCH!" --Carmexa] Ben just stares at her. Lauren asks if he thinks she is running away. Ben says he doesn't, but Lauren senses a "but." Ben says that he was thinking that after they see his dad, that maybe she would have dinner with him. ["Ben. No. No. No. You're so sexy when you eat, and I don't want her getting any ideas. Waaaah. Fuck my ass." --Carmexa] Lauren asks if he means a date. Ben says he doesn't mean a date, just dinner. Lauren asks how old he is and Ben says that he has dated older women. ["That could hardly have been called dating, unless by dating you mean furtive sex all over the place." - Bitchavia] Yeah, I remember. Mmmmm, as much as I did not like that whole Maggie the Muffin Lady storyline, it gave Speedy a chance to show off how incredibly charming and sexy he can be and there ain't nothing wrong with that. ["All of a sudden, I really miss Maggie." --Carmexa] Lauren says that she guesses it is a date, then. Ben jokes that he has had dinner with older women before. Lauren agrees to go with him and they make plans for him to pick her up at seven. Okay, I cannot express how thoroughly I deplore the idea of Ben going out with this woman. ["He's just lonely and trying to forget Felicity. It's not gonna work." -Dyslexia] She is a barely recovering alcoholic with a very strange attachment to his father and I find it completely inappropriate. Not to mention the fact that I know this woman is trouble. And she's not Felicity. And Ben should only be going out with Felicity. That should be a law. It should be enshrined in the Constitution so that even in times of war or great turmoil, it is adhered to. But even with my general hatred of this storyline, I must admit that Scott Speedman knows how to play the shy, charming guy trying to woo a woman so well, that I thoroughly enjoyed this scene. I am such a sucker for everything he does. It is an illness. One I don't want to be cured of, by the way. Oh yeah, so Ben and Lauren decide to go upstairs to see his dad.

Meghan walks down the stairs of the loft. Sean has been waiting for her to get up. They have a boring conversation about another business idea that I couldn't care less about. Meghan wants to know when the hell Noel is moving out. So do I. Didn't he tell Ben two episodes ago that he was looking for a new place? ["Yes. But Noel's never exactly been Mr. Honest." --Carmexa] I can't believe that Ben is still forced to live in the same loft with that asshole. Sean thinks Meghan is being harsh but Meghan says that she's not taking Ben's side, but that Noel is the interloper and everyone knows that the one who lopes is the one who has to leave. ["Exactly! Leave it to Meghan to just out and out say what needs to be said." - Bitchavia] Why is Sean suddenly all high on Noel staying at the loft? I thought he was Ben's best friend? I guess Noel is getting some return on his little loan to Sean. Anyway, Noel walks out of his room and has obviously overheard their discussion. He says he'll be out by the end of the week. Yeah, right. Like I believe one fucking word that comes out of your big puffy lips. Sean starts to tell him he doesn't have to. ["Yes he does! The sooner the better. Go sleep with Richard. And I mean that in every way that it can be interpreted." - Bitchavia] Shut up, Sean! Noel interrupts and says "She's right. I mean what am I doing here?" ["Gaining weight and wallowing in pathetic self-pity?" --Carmexa] I am going to take that line as the writers' subtle way of telling us they have no idea why Noel is still on this show. ["Because if they kick Noel/Foley off the show, Jennifer Garner will get upset and pout to JJ, and he'll have to cave because what the star of 'Alias' wants, the star of 'Alias' gets." --Carmexa] ["And JJ is now afraid of her because she had all that kick-box training and might kick him in the head." - Bitchavia] They clearly don't know what to do with his character and that's why I think they should just kill him off. I wouldn't even mind if he died in some sort of noble way, so all of the Noel fans could talk about his dying sacrifice. Just kill him, please. Now.

Felicity is painting a dark blue somethingorother in the art studio. Elena walks in and comments that her painting is dark. ["Wow. Deep, Elena." --Carmexa] She asks her to lunch and Felicity agrees. Elena asks what she is painting. Felicity says she is still trying to figure it out. Elena says that it's good. Some guy walks in and tells Elena that is what he keeps telling Felicity but that she won't listen to him. Elena asks Felicity who it is. Felicity tells her it is Owen ["I'm sorry, I can't take anyone with the name 'Owen' seriously. I keep flashing back to the days I used to watch 'Party of Five' and they had that kid brother named Owen. Little Owen always had this vacant look, and his big lolling tongue seemed to always hang out of his gaping mouth. I always called him Retarded Baby Owen. So the name Owen is ruined for me now." - Bitchavia], and he is a grad student who is also a TA. Elena thinks he's cute, but Felicity doesn't like him because he never cleans up the studio, even when she asks him to. ["Obviously Felicity isn't like Keri. Isn't Speedy a major slob? I'm a clean freak, but I would never be able to get mad at Speedy for leaving his dirty underwear on the floor. Anywho." -Dyslexia] Elena says it's obvious that he likes her and she should ask him out. Shut up, Elena! Felicity tells Elena she should ask him out. Elena asks Owen if he has a girlfriend and he says no and wonders why she is asking. She says that Felicity was wondering. Elena, shut the hell up! I am so sick of you and your goddamn meddling ["See, this is why they should have hooked Elena and Noel up ages ago. They could just fuck each other up and save everyone else the hassle." --Carmexa]. So is Felicity. She grabs Elena and announces that they're going to lunch. As they walk out, Felicity tells Elena that she's going to kill her. Good. While you're at it, would you kill Noel, too? Thank you.

Ben works the coffee machine at Dean & Deluca. ["Look at his expression! His face is all scrunched up! Wee!" --Carmexa] Javier watches him from the back room. You can literally see the wheels turning in his head as he plots his next move. He walks out and apologizes to Ben for being Senor Rude last week. Ben tells him he was fine. ["Yeah, and when Speedy tries to say 'Senor,' it comes out as 'Senior.' Teehee, I love you, my boy." --Carmexa]["He's Canadian. He didn't take Spanish in school. He could probably handle 'monsieur' though." - Bitchavia] Actually, he was rude. But because Ben is perfect, he just lets it go. Javier tells him that to make it up to him, they are going to go to the "off-off-off-off-Broadway" production of Streetcar. Ben has the most adorable expression on his face as he asks if it is tonight. Javier says yes and Ben pretends he is disappointed that he can't go because he has plans. He walks off. Javier chases after him, asking if he has a date. Ben says he does. Javier comments under his breath that he moves fast. Javier then lies and says that the truth is that he is dying without Samuel. Ben tells him again that he can't go. Javier repeats that he is dying and says that since Ben is almost a doctor, he needs to help him. Ben wonders what he can do and Javier says he needs to go to the play with him or else he may not make it through the night. Because Ben is perfect he says that he will try to change his plans. Javier tells him to cancel his date right away and Ben tells him that he said, "maybe." Javier forces Ben to take the ticket and he finally does. Javier smiles with glee, thinking his plan is working perfectly. I wish.

Noel pushes a button to signal he is ready to see Dr. D. Auerbach. He sighs and takes a seat on the waiting room couch. Now, he is in the shrink's office. Noel tells him that he feels like he is falling and that the things that he used to grab onto, that used to hold him in place, like his work and his friends and his family, are snapping like twigs. ["Does Noel even know what a real problem is? While I realize you can't really deny your feelings, I still find him pathetic." -Dyslexia] Well, let's see. What have you done to your friends? Well, you slept with your supposed best friend while she had a boyfriend. You then proceeded to tell said boyfriend that you slept with her. And your job? Well, you hoard all the job listings from your students so you can get the best jobs for yourself. You resent everyone who comes to you with a problem. And when you finally get a new job in your chosen profession, you blow it by deciding to have sex with the boss' daughter right in the office. As for your family, well, you blew off your brother when he came to visit you in Thanksgiving because you didn't like what he had to say. Instead, you went to a bar and picked up a strange woman and took her to a hotel room, where she ended up handcuffing you, robbing you, and leaving you lying there naked. Have you ever considered for one moment that the fact that all the things that used to be important to you are snapping like twigs is because you are treating them all as if they don't matter? Because you are putting your own immediate selfish needs ahead of all those things that supposedly matter? Of course not. Anyway, Noel continues to tell the shrink that he doesn't feel like himself anymore. The shrink tells Noel that he thinks he is depressed and needs therapy and medication. Noel is put off by the idea of taking drugs. The shrink tells him that they are effective for symptoms like his. Funny, I didn't know there were drugs that were effective at curing asshole-ness. Noel says he is not sick, that he has problems, and that he has "been going through a lot lately." Now, Noel is starting to remind me of my clients who don't take responsibility. You're not "going through a lot," Noel. You are doing a lot of crappy stuff and suffering the consequences for your behavior. He continues by saying that there is nothing wrong inside of him and that if the shrink had "been through what [he's] been through the past couple weeks," he'd feel bad, too. What you've been through? Will his self-pity never end? Not once does Noel even mention what he has put other people through. But who am I kidding? It's Noel. And with Noel, it is always all about him. Anyway, the shrink tells him that he is just there to listen and make recommendations. Noel says he feels like the shrink doesn't even know him, but he wants to give him medication. He thinks it's extreme. ["The doctor is probably just aching to drug Noel in hopes he'll shut up and maybe overdose so he doesn't have to have another session with the whiny loser." - Bitchavia] The shrink says it is just a suggestion. I've got a suggestion. Die. ["Phew. That was nice. Kudos, baby. Nicely done. You know what the best part is, though? You spent about six more minutes typing that than was devoted to Noel in this episode. That's rich. For such an IMPORTANT--cough--character, Noel only merits five minutes of air time the entire episode? The producers don't even care about him anymore! Put that in your communal peace pipe and smoke it, Noel fans! Stupid twittering morons!" --Carmexa] ["Thanks, Carm." -Litigia]

Felicity continues painting. Owen walks in and is annoyed that Felicity didn't even notice that he cleaned up the studio and washed out her brushes. Felicity thanks him. Owen wonders what her friend was talking about before and Felicity says that Elena is just out of control. Owen asks if Felicity is looking and she says no. Owen says that's good to know. They share an awkward pause. Felicity says she needs to leave and Owen asks if she has a date. She says that she's meeting a friend and Owen tells her to have fun. Felicity gets ready to go and then thanks Owen for cleaning up. They say goodbye and Owen watches her as he leaves. He likes her. ["I like Owen. He's the second coming of Bosnia Pam. Oh, Pam, I miss you. Come back! For those of you who have lousy memories or never saw it in the first place, Pam is the great girl that Ben tried--emphasis on tried--to date in the second season when he was drooling over Felicity. Pam was sweet and good and a Red Cross volunteer and understood that there was no sense in pushing Ben if he was in love with Felicity. I'm going to call him Bosnia Owen, even though he's probably never been out of the contiguous U.S." --Carmexa]

Felicity waits outside the theatre. She looks down the street and sees Ben approaching. Ben is walking briskly toward the theatre ["But he's not moving his right arm while he walks. He never does. Why he does it is one of the great mysteries of the universe." --Carmexa] ["I think it has something to do with his old swimming injury. If Scott would like to call me and enlighten me, I'd be happy to listen." --Litigia] and stops for a second when he sees Felicity. Felicity looks stunned. Ben walks toward her and Felicity says, "Hey." Ben returns the "hey" and asks her what she is doing there. She tells him that Javier invited her. Ben says, "what?" as they both realize what Javier has done. Ben sees Lauren behind Felicity as she is getting out of a cab. Nooooooo! Felicity looks sad and awkward, but then asks if Ben just wants to go in because the play is supposed to be really good. Ben just stares at Lauren. I can't tell if he is wishing that she weren't there, so he could just go to the play with Felicity, or if he just feels really awkward that Felicity is about to see him with another woman. ["I think it was both. I think he wishes that Lauren would go away, so that a) Felicity can be saved the pain, and b) so that he can go make out with Felicity in the back row of the theatre." --Carmexa] Anyway, Lauren just walks up and asks Ben if they have tickets. Ben says he doesn't know and that's when Lauren sees Felicity. She says "Hi." Felicity is way too nice and cheerful and explains to Lauren that she was supposed to meet Javier. Lauren asks Ben if they weren't supposed to meet Javier. Ben looks like he wants to die. He says that they were. Felicity says she doesn't think Javier is showing up. Ben says they should just see if there are more tickets, but Felicity says no and hands her ticket to Lauren. Ben stares down at the ticket and looks really sad. Lauren doesn't want to take the ticket but Felicity insists. ["Okay, here, Felicity really is a martyr. I feel incredibly bad for the poor girl. She looks like she just wants to shrivel up and die." --Carmexa] Ben can't even look at her. Felicity says she'll see them later and quickly leaves. Ben still looks like he wants to die. He turns around and watches her walk off. Lauren asks if he is okay. He is soooo not okay. ["I know I'm evil, but I wanted Ben to feel bad. That's probably because I knew what was coming. Bleah." -Dyslexia] But he says he's all right and that they should go in. They turn to walk into the theatre. Felicity continues walking home, looking as though she will burst into tears at any moment.

Felicity marches into the apartment demanding to know where Javier is. Elena says he's taking a bath. Felicity bangs on the bathroom door and says she's coming in. Javier sits up in his bubble bath and tries to put on his glasses as Felicity yells at him. ["And what's with the shower cap? Two words sweet thang: YOU'RE BALD!" -Dyslexia] She asks him how he could do what he did and tells him that it was horribly embarrassing. Javier wonders why she is home already, considering it is not even intermission. Felicity tells him that he made both her and Ben look like idiots. Javier explains that he thought Stanley and Stella would be inspirational because they are so passionate and in love like she and Benjamin are. Felicity yells that she and Ben are broken up. Elena walks in as Felicity continues to yell, wondering if they are trying to make it worse. She yells about Meghan being psychotic at Thanksgiving and Elena asking Owen if he has a girlfriend and Javier playing covert matchmaker. She says that they, of all people, should understand how hard this is for her. Keri Russell does an amazing job of being very sad and very angry at the same time. How does she do that? Javier and Elena apologize and say they were just trying to help. It is interesting to me that Javier's way of helping was to try to get Ben and Felicity back together, but Elena's way of helping was to try to get Felicity to go out with someone else. ["Just because Elena's version of moving on involves fucking other people, doesn't mean that Felicity's is. I'm going to start petitioning to have characters killed off this show. 1 & 2--at the same time: Noel and Lauren. 3. Elena. They're just bringing everyone else down!" --Carmexa] ["Where do I sign?" - Bitchavia] Have I mentioned yet that I really don't like Elena? Anyway, Felicity says she understands and Javier asks her what happened. Felicity tells them that Ben brought Lauren. At this point, she is almost crying. Javier can't believe Ben brought Lauren from Thanksgiving. Felicity says she figures that is who Ben is "moving on" with. Javier tries to assure her that the chances of that happening are zero. Felicity says there was a definite vibe and Javier says the chances are less than zero. Felicity doesn't look very sure about that. ["That's because Felicity knows Ben a lot better than Javier does. Case in point: the second season. For a while, Javier thought Ben was all lovestruck and googly eyed over Maggie, the married muffin bitch, when it was obvious to everyone with eyes and hormones that it was Felicity he was fawning over. Actually, that's not a very good example, because Felicity didn't realize it either. I'm going to shut up now....for like, 30 seconds." --Carmexa]

Ben and Lauren walk into her apartment. Blah blah blah, Ben sits down, Lauren brings them both some bottled water. ["Ben takes the hugest gulp of water ever and sort of gurgles." --Carmexa] Ben apologizes for what happened before the play. Lauren says it's okay. Ben apologizes again. Enough with the apologizing, Ben. Lauren says she had a really nice time and Ben says he did as well. Ben stares at her for a moment and then moves in to kiss her. The phone rings and just as their kissing starts to get a little too passionate for my taste, a man's voice on the answering machine tells Lauren to pick up. She jumps up to answer it. ["Um…I'm glad Lauren got up and all, but why the hell would anyone part from those luscious lips? That booze must have really done some permanent brain damage." -Dyslexia] She tells whoever it is that she can't talk because someone is there. Ben asks her if she wants him to leave, but she says no. I think Ben is just looking for a reason to get out of there. But maybe that's just what I'm hoping Ben is doing. Eh. I hate this. Anyway, Lauren's phone conversation gets more awkward and Ben gets up to leave. Lauren says that she is free tomorrow night. Ben says okay and leaves. Thank god that is over.

Javier and the widow act out a scene from Streetcar. Watching Ian Gomez pretend to be Javier pretending to be Stanley Kowalski absolutely cracked me up. Marlon Brando ain't got nothin' on him. ["Okay, have you ever seen Marlon Brando--the YOUNG Marlon Brando? He's got quite a bit on Javier. Mmmmmmm. STELLA!" --Carmexa] When they're done, the widow, who I think is named Rita, walks up to Javier and compliments him on his animal magnetism. She says that he put Marlon Brando to shame. Hee. She and I were thinking the same thing. Javier says that he wishes he looked as good as Marlon in a tight t-shirt. I can only assume that he is referring to Marlon Brando as he appeared in Streetcar, because the thought of the Marlon Brando of today in a tight t-shirt makes me want to vomit. Not as much as the thought of Noel naked. ["I saw a picture of current-day Marlon Brando in his underwear. I didn't eat for a week afterwards." --Carmexa] But close. Rita says she thinks Javier would look even better than Brando in a tight t-shirt. Javier is uncomfortable and tells her he needs to go fix his dryer. Rita wonders why Javier wasn't at the play the night before. He tells her he had to do an emergency love connection. Rita tells him that she would see it again if he wanted to go, but Javier says he'll just see the movie. Rita won't give up. She offers to bring dinner and watch it with him. Finally, Javier breaks the news to her that she is nice, but she's just not his type. Rita takes it pretty well, but you can tell she's sad. Javier feels bad.

Ben knocks on Lauren's door and she answers. She looks like shit. ["Even more so than usual." --Carmexa] Ben asks if she is okay. Lauren says she should have called him. Ben wants to know what happened. Lauren looks back in her apartment, which makes me wonder if someone else is there. Lauren says that it's her ex. Ben asks if that's who called the night before and Lauren says it was. She says that he wants to get back together. Ben asks her if that is a good thing. Lauren doesn't know. Ben tells her they can hang out another time and Lauren thinks that would be a good idea. Then, she makes small talk about his dad. Whatever, you needy bitch. I don't know why this bothered me so much. Maybe it was the juxtaposition of her relationship with Ben's dad and this weird thing she has going on with Ben, but I really didn't like it. Anyway, Ben asks her if she is sure that she doesn't want him to stay, but Lauren says she's fine. ["Lalala, this is like Molly all over again....I hated that, but at least Molly wasn't trying to jump into Ben's perfect pants. Goddamn Lauren! You stupid, not-really-vulnerable-but-pretending-to-be-so-that-Ben-who-is-perfect-and-compassionate-will-take-pity-on-you whore!" --Carmexa] She really doesn't want him to come in, which again makes me think that her ex-boyfriend is actually there. The phone rings and Lauren pushes Ben out the door with a promise to call him. I guess that must be her ex-boyfriend on the phone, so maybe he isn't there. But I got a definite vibe that he was. I think it is supposed to be ambiguous. ["I don't think he was there. But I'm hoping. Not that it will matter at all. Sob." -Carmexa]

Noel sits in his office, circling classified ads for apartments. He walks out into the hallway and runs into Felicity, who is walking to the studio. Noel says "hey" and Felicity says, "Oh my God, I was just thinking about you." Yuck. I'm going to pretend she didn't say that. ["I'm going to pretend that her thoughts of him went something like this: 'You motherfucker! I wish you a billion painful deaths for the hell you have put me through! Die, Noel, Die!'" --Carmexa]["No, those were your thoughts, dear." - Bitchavia] They talk about how they haven't seen each other in forever. I don't see why this is a problem. Felicity asks Noel if he is okay. He lies that he is. Felicity asks him if he wants to get a cup of coffee, but he declines. They start to leave, but Felicity tells him that if he changes his mind, he knows where to find her. Noel agrees. Felicity says that she is serious and that she misses him. What exactly do you miss, Felicity? Someone, please explain to me why in the hell she still wants to be friends with him! Anyway, Noel agrees on the "missing you" part and they go their separate ways. ["This is why Felicity and Ben belong together. They have so much in common. They both get duped by needy, manipulative, woe-is-me idiots like Noel and Lauren." - Bitchavia]

Felicity continues painting in the studio. Owen walks in with some hot chocolate for the two of them. ["Is hot coca an aphrodisiac? Reminded me of when season one Nicole, the blonde whore who was dating Lynn, tried to seduce Ben. She brought Ben hot cocoa, also in a bag, and did a strip tease. Oh, and Speedy lets out this amazing chuckle when she starts stripping, by the way. I really do love Speedy, if y'all couldn't tell." -Dyslexia]["Hot cocoa must be a secret signal for 'I wanna have sex with you.' But who puts a cup of liquid in a bag?" - Bitchavia] Felicity thanks him for being so sweet. Owen tells her it's got whipped cream on it and Felicity says it is amazing. ["No, Felicity, it's not amazing. It's Redi-Whip. Shit! She's right! It IS amazing! I love Redi-Whip!" --Carmexa] Huh? Is there like a rule on this show that Felicity has to say "amazing" at least once every episode? And if so, was this really the only place they could work it in. I know Felicity is supposed to be wide-eyed and optimistic, but whipped cream on hot chocolate is "amazing?" I don't think so. ["Well, shows how much you know." -Carmexa] Anyway, Owen regards Felicity's painting and tells her she is pretty intense. She wonders what he means. He talks about how she always wants the studio clean and how she is always at the studio at night. He tells her that her painting is "swirling pain." Felicity chuckles. Owen tells her that he doesn't know anything about her personal life, but this is college, and she is allowed to have fun. Okay, writers, since you wrote that dialogue, I'm going to assume you heard it. Listen to your own damn characters. Please, for godsakes, let Felicity have some fun for a change. It doesn't have to be pain and heartache and sorrow and despair every damn week. The show can still be entertaining and compelling if Felicity is happy and having fun. Especially if she is happy and having fun with Ben. ["ONLY if she is happy and having fun with Ben!" - Bitchavia] Anyway, Felicity tells Owen that she does have fun. Owen nods and says he was just making sure. They stare at each other for a moment until he gets up. Felicity thinks for a moment and then finally asks Owen if he would like to go out with her. Owen says, "You mean have fun?" Okay, that was stupid. ["And kind of presumptuous. Maybe she'll find you no fun at all, Owen." - Bitchavia] Anyway, Felicity says that's what she means and Owen pretends to think about it before saying that he would love to. Felicity looks kind of happy.

Ben gets on the elevator at Felicity's building. Just as the door is about to close, Owen jumps in. They're going to the same floor. Uh huh. Felicity is getting ready for her date in front of the mirror. Her hair looks really pretty. She has it sort of straightened. She is wearing more make-up than usual, too. But she is trying on this really ugly green sweater that zips up. ["Hey! I liked that sweater! I think it's from J Crew. Don't make me fly down and mess with both you and Texas!" -Dyslexia] As she fidgets with the sweater, Elena walks in and tells her she should wear a skirt. Felicity doesn't think she should wear a skirt because that would look like she was trying too hard. Felicity realizes the green sweater looks stupid and takes it off. She has a much prettier top on underneath. She asks Elena why she is doing this. Elena tells her because it's the right thing to do. Felicity asks her if she really thinks she should wear a skirt. Ben and Owen get off the elevator. Ben goes to Felicity's door and knocks while Owen kind of looks around for the right apartment. Finally, he walks up to Felicity's door. Ben asks, "Are you-" and Owen finishes the sentence, "here to see Felicity." Ben looks at him out of the corner of his eye. I'm not sure if he is jealous or just sizing him up. ["Both. But don't worry, Ben. You really don't have to size anyone up. I promise that you're more perfect than they are." --Carmexa] Whatever it is, it's priceless. Felicity has finished putting on her skirt and runs to get the door. When she opens it, she is shocked to see Owen and Ben standing at the door. Ben looks like he is trying not to crack up at the situation. ["He also looks like he's checking her out." --Carmexa] Felicity introduces Ben to Owen ["But she does it in a completely flustered way, like she's forgotten her own name, let alone what the hell she's supposed to do in this situation." --Carmexa], who shake hands, and then Elena remembers that she and Ben were supposed to study. Ben tells Owen it was nice to meet him and walks into the apartment. As he walks by Felicity, he leans down and whispers into her ear, "You look great." Okay, raise your hand if you think Scott Speedman completely ad-libbed that line. ["Me, me, me!" --Carmexa] I know Keri is a wonderful actress, but the look of total shock on her face when he did that leads me to believe that wasn't scripted at all. It was adorable. Felicity is totally distracted by it and finally walks out the door, forgetting to grab her coat. Owen reminds her and she walks back in to grab it. She briefly looks at Ben, who is staring at her, not in a jealous way, but in a way that you can tell he is very sad that she is moving on. Felicity leaves with Owen and Ben and Elena go to study.

Noel is in his shrink's office again. He's telling the shrink about all the stuff he's read about depression. He says that he's read about the symptoms of self-loathing and hopelessness. ["God, how I wish that Noel was a self-loather. That'd be a welcome change of pace!" -Carmexa] But that he's not that guy. Now, I'm thinking Noel really may be mentally ill, because if he had any perspective whatsoever, he would loathe himself. He's an asshole. Speaking of assholes and loathing, there is no asshole I loathe more than John Ashcroft. If I have to listen to him say one more time about how he is respecting the civil liberties enshrined in the Constitution despite the fact that they are randomly locking people up, interrogating people simply because of their ethnicity, eavesdropping on attorney-client conversations, and trying people in front of secret military tribunals that make China's judicial system look like a beacon of justice, I am going to explode. He is an evil, evil man. And he wants us to just ignore all this trampling of rights just because he and George W. Bush are honorable men? Excuse me, Mr. Attorney General, but our forefathers wrote the Constitution specifically because the people cannot put their faith in the honor of the men leading their government. And you, of all people, cannot be trusted to respect anyone's rights. And don't even try to say that everything you are doing is constitutional just because you have one Supreme Court opinion from 60 years ago in a completely different situation. I can also pull up a Supreme Court opinion (which has never been overturned) which says that it is constitutional for the government to involuntarily sterilize all mentally disabled people because the government needed to ensure that no more "imbeciles" were born. And in case you've forgotten this since law school, John, the Supreme Court also said the rounding up of all the Japanese-Americans and throwing them into concentration camps was constitutional. So don't go citing one goddamn Supreme Court opinion and act like that is all there is to it. Fifty years from now, history will judge you, and it will judge you harshly. ["I'm already judging him harshly! Stupid right-wing Christiany-Christian undeserver of public office asshole!" --Carmexa] ["Holy shit. Feel better, ladies?" -Dyslexia]["I'm glad I'm Canadian." - Bitchavia] And I'll look back on this rant and say, "See. I told you so." Okay, sorry about that. I have strong feelings. ["Word, baby." -Carmexa]

So anyway, yeah, back to Noel. So, Noel thinks he is the one who solves problems. He talks about how he was an RA and how he's a guidance counselor. The shrink says he bets Noel was a really good one. Noel says he is. No, you are not! You are the worst guidance counselor I have ever seen! You hoard the job listings that are supposed to be for the students so you can interview for the jobs yourself and have shown in every conceivable circumstance that you don't care one iota about your students' problems. ["And he bitches constantly about the job. You'd think if he were really that good at it--which he's NOT!--he'd be a lot nicer about the whole thing." -Carmexa] How on earth does that make you a good guidance counselor? Anyway, the shrink explains to him that having depression doesn't mean he's a weak person. He says that if anything, it means he is a more empathetic one. That may be true about depression. But it is certainly not true about Noel.["Hmm, let me see if I feel any more empathy towards Noel now that he might be clinically depressed…..Nope, nothing there. Still hate him. Carry on." - Bitchavia] I've never seen a more self-centered person in my life. Noel launches into a soliloquy about how his brother used to feel like he was drowning and how now he is drowning and I could not possibly care less. You can almost see the wheels turning in Foley's mind as he thinks, "This is my Emmy tape." Noel asks how long he would need to stay on the medication. The shrink says he doesn't know. Noel wonders if it might be forever and the shrink says it's possible. ["Chant it with me, folks: OVERDOSE! OVERDOSE! OVERDOSE!" -Carmexa] ["If one pill feels good, take two, or three or 50! Do it until it feels good, Noel!" - Bitchavia] Then, the shrink tells him he is not going to let him drown. Damn.

Felicity and Owen are at a diner. Owen asks Felicity if they are going to talk about the guy at her door. Felicity tells him it was her ex-boyfriend and she apologizes. She seems a bit awkward and nervous. Owen asks if it was recent and Felicity says she guesses it was. Owen surmises that that makes him potential rebound guy. Felicity says he's not, but Owen says that he's been the rebound guy before and it's better than it sounds. Owen asks Felicity if she was in love with him. Felicity tells him that he asks a lot of questions. Owen says that he's got to know what is competition is. ["Owen, I like you, baby, but I don't think you took a good enough look at Ben. He's not your competition; he's your bringer-of-death, as far as Felicity's concerned" --Carmexa] Felicity just says that Ben is seeing someone else now. Owen calls Ben a pig and a jerk. But Felicity defends him and says that he's great. Owen tells Felicity she must have broken his heart. Felicity says things were complicated. Owen says it usually is and Felicity agrees. Then, Owen says that maybe she wasn't getting what she needed, but Felicity says that Ben is great and it was completely her fault. ["That's my girl! He IS great, and it IS completely your fault! That said, I feel horrible for her." -Carmexa] Owen says he does ask too many questions and moves the topic onto hobbies. Apparently, he is a master snowboarder and kazoo player. Felicity finds all of this highly amusing and laughs hysterically. I think it's kind of cute, but not as funny as she does. ["Is it funnier than Richard's Darth costume? Because Felicity thought that was damn comical as well. I still don't get why." -Dyslexia] I think it's just that she is supposed to be really nervous.

Ben is studying in his dimly lit bedroom. Probably not the best lighting for studying, but it's damn good for highlighting how sexy Ben is. ["Litigia, every kind of lighting does that." --Carmexa] He stares at the phone for a second and picks it up and calls. He leaves a long, rambling message about how he didn't know why he was calling but he wanted to say "hi" and if she wants to call him back she can, but she doesn't have to. His facial expressions perfectly express how nervous and awkward he feels as he leaves the message. And when he finally hangs up, he looks like he can barely breathe and is terrified, and you know he is thinking, "What the hell was that?" I really loved this scene. It was a simple scene, made absolutely priceless by Speedy's performance. His nervousness and awkwardness in leaving the message are a nice contrast to the smooth charm he had when he asked Lauren out. I think I'm going to watch it again. Ahhhhh.

Felicity and Owen are returning from their date. Felicity is still laughing. I really don't see how Owen could possibly be that funny. I'm sticking with my nervousness theory. Felicity says she had a great time and Owen is glad, because the goal was for her to actually have fun. I sort of resent the fact that the writers feel the need to send Felicity off on a date with some stranger for her to have fun. She and Ben can have fun, too! If you'll let them! When are J.J. and Matt going to write us? We will show them the way! Anyway, Felicity thanks Owen and Owen kisses her. Felicity pulls away because she's not ready. She says again that she had a great time. Owen tells her that she is going to find someone else and that it may not be him, but it will happen. Felicity says that she knows, but you can tell that she is sad at the thought of settling for "someone else." She doesn't want to find "someone else." She just wants Ben. Owen asks her not to feel weird at the studio the next day, because they had fun. Felicity agrees that it was and Owen kisses her goodbye, this time on the cheek.

Felicity and Elena listen to Ben's message. Elena is decoding it, saying that Ben is dying and he wants her back. At one point, Elena calls Ben "his sorry self." Elena, shut the fuck up! Ben didn't do anything wrong here, you stupid bitch. Felicity cheated on him. I don't mind you supporting Felicity, but if you don't stop tearing Ben down for not just saying, "okay, no problem" and taking Felicity back with open arms, I'm going to have to kick your ass. ["Elena took self-defense. She'd flip your ass in a nanosecond. But hey, do whatcha gotta do." --Carmexa] ["I deal with crafty criminals every day. I could handle Elena." -Litigia] Felicity wants to call Ben back but Elena tells her not to. She says she needs to make Ben squirm. Felicity says she doesn't want to make him squirm, but Elena says that's how it works and she should trust her. And why exactly should she trust you, Elena? Because your relationships have been so successful? This is quite possibly the worst advice ever! It is one thing to play hard to get when you are in the beginning stages of a flirtation or just starting to date. It is quite another when the man you love and have been in a serious relationship with for a year and a half, the one whose heart you pretty much ripped out and stomped all over, is finally taking a tenuous first step to forgive you. Not only is it not the right thing to do, it is downright cruel. Unfortunately, Felicity listens to Elena and doesn't call him back. ["Seriously, Felicity needs to get new friends. She considers Elena and Noel among her closest friends and all they do is screw up her life at every given opportunity. Felicity needs to prune the tree of friendship. Keep Javier, Meghan and Ben and send the rest to the wood-chipper." - Bitchavia]

Ben lies on his bed, sighing heavily. He's waiting for Felicity to call, but that call ain't coming thanks to Elena. Bitch. The phone rings and he anxiously picks it up. Dammit, it's Lauren. She's walking and she bought tea, but it's too hot. So what? Wait for it to cool off. ["No beverage is ever too hot, you whiny Goldilocks whore." -Dyslexia] Just leave Ben alone! Then she says that she is thinking she should just chuck four months of sobriety and get a chilled martini. ["DO IT!! Chug, chug, chug!!" -Dyslexia] Now, I officially hate her. Way to make your sobriety Ben's responsibility. If you feel like you are going to take a drink, go to an AA meeting. This is not Ben's problem. Ben asks where she is and she is conveniently three blocks away. Ben asks if she wants to come over and she of course says that she does. What a manipulative bitch. ["I hated Lauren before, but fucking A! I could not believe she actually did this; she knows that Ben is a good person, and she knows that he knows how easy it is to fall off the wagon, and she knows that he'll take pity on her. Hence, her being just three blocks away. New York is fucking huge! There are literally thousands of blocks that she could be walking! But she's three away from his door?!? Riiiiight. She's using him like I use toothpaste: he does his part and then you spit him out. Bitch!" --Carmexa] ["Is it just me, or is Carmexa excessively cussing in this recap?" -Litigia]   ["First of all, I have a horrible mouth all the time.  You know that, so knock it the fuck off.  Secondly, 'excessively cussing?'  No wonder you weren't an English major.  'Cussing excessively.'  There."  --Carmexa]

Javier's widow friend, Rita, gives him a lint brush because of that lie he told about his dryer not working. Blah blah blah. Javier finally tells her that he is gay. She says she knows that, but that she is lonely without her husband. Javier is also lonely without his husband. They decide to miss their husbands together.

Lauren shows up at the loft. ["Ryan Adams' 'Rescue Blues' is playing. The producer people are really starting to piss me off by using perfect Ryan tunes for scenes that involve Felicity or Ben with someone else. Bastards!" -Dyslexia] She sits down on the couch and Ben sits on the table across from her. He asks her what happened. She says talks about her relationship with her ex-boyfriend and how it was like drinking, one drink and she's off the wagon. Ben listens too empathetically for my taste. Lauren says she doesn't want to feel the hole in her heart anymore. Ben can clearly relate. He sits next to her on the couch and they hold hands. I don't like this at all. Lauren says she just wants to forget it for this one night, just for one night. ["She's just verbalizing what Ben's thinking. Lauren could have been anyone. But Ben! That hole in your heart is still going to be there in the morning! Stop before it's too late! Nooooooo! Oh God, and now he's going to know exactly how Felicity felt. Well, a little empathy hurt anyone...until now!" --Carmexa] Ben just nods. They start to kiss. Lauren leans back on the couch and Ben continues to kiss her as he lies down on top of her. Ben, Ben, Ben. This is so not the right thing to do. She's needy and manipulative and you don't love her. But he doesn't stop. The phone rings in the background. Ben doesn't answer. The answering machine picks up and we see that it is Felicity. Apparently, she decided to forget Elena's advice. Unfortunately, it appears that she's too late. She tells Ben she got his message and she'll be up for a while if he wants to talk. I can't imagine that Ben actually heard that message and continued making out with Lauren. I guess we'll find out next week.
That's it for the recap. Please excuse me while I go hunt down Elena and kill her.