Another Stupid Movie Title
Episode 414: Raising Arizona

Feast Thy Eyes

By Bitchavia

Felicity comes to the loft looking for Ben, but unfortunately only finds Noel. She tells Noel she's weirded out by the almost-kiss moment with Adam, but still wants to work with him.  Noel says just talk to him and it'll be fine. [“Why did Felicity need Noel to tell her this?  Granted, Noel is the expert in having his romantic advances toward Felicity spurned, but still, I can’t imagine she hasn’t learned how to deal with a situation like this in four years of college.” –Litigia] Just as Felicity is inviting Noel to go on a walking tour of New York architecture, Ben comes in. Ben and Felicity retreat to his room where Ben tells her that he's decided he has to be part of his baby's life. [“But before he tells her, he actually apologizes for interrupting Felicity and Noel!  Jesus, he’s perfect.” –Litigia]  Felicity says the whole situation sucks, and Ben tries to reassure her again that's it's all going to work out.

Can you become..shoe leather..blahblah..new version... [“Have we figured out what ‘new shoe leather’ means yet?  Who reupholsters their shoes these days?  The song still rocks.  Buy the Felicity CD in May.” –Dyslexia]

As Ben arrives at Lauren's door, her neighbour is there in the hall with a squalling baby. As Lauren lets Ben in, they're both focused on the wee babe, as the writers pound us over the head with the hammer of do-you-get-it-ness.  [“Yeah, I get it.  When it comes to this storyline I can bawl louder than any toddler out there. waheffinwaaaaahh”  --Dyslexia] Lauren is showing a lot now. Wonder how much time has passed since she told Ben, because last time we saw her, she was wearing skin-tight hiphugger jeans.  [“I know. I didn’t get that at all.  Tight jeans with a belt, no less.  Within two weeks to a month, Lauren’s gut has sprung forth like a bag of Jiffy Pop.  Go fig.”   --Dyslexia] Ben tells Lauren he wants to be a dad to their baby, and no sooner are those brave words out of his mouth, than Lauren punches him in the gut with the news she's moving to Phoenix because her parents live there and can help her out. [“What kind of people give birth to passive-aggressive, evil, preying, ‘take-advantage-of-perfect-college-boy’s-vulnerability, devil-spawn like Lauren?  Whoever these people are, I bet they’re not in the frigging ‘best interest of the child.’” –Carmexa] Ben insists his cute little-21-year-old-someday-will-be-a-doctor-but-doesn't-have-two-pennies-now self can help too, and beseeches her not to move. Lauren says, "Shhhyeahhh, right" and asks him to move to Arizona too.

Felicity goes to see Adam at his office. Adam's waiting for a call to see if he got the big project, the one Felicity helped him make a model for. Riiiing! It's the call -- he gets it!  [“Ain’t life grand?  Oh wait, Lauren’s moving, only Felicity doesn’t know that yet.  Think this could cause some tension?”  --Dyslexia] He asks Felicity if she'll be in New York next year because he'd love for her to work on it with him. [“What, exactly, is Felicity going to do on this project?  Because I still don’t see how she has any knowledge or experience about architecture whatsoever.   Not that the writers are going to let something like that stand in the way of a good plot point to drive a wedge between Felicity and Ben, though.  I give up.” –Litigia]  Felicity looks excited but says she doesn't know yet. Felicity brings up the almost-kiss moment and says it can't happen again if they work together and Adam says it won't.

Noel and Zoe are dining at the only restaurant in Manhattan, Epstein Bar. [“No, no!  You forgot Dean & Deluca!”  --Carmexa] Zoe spots a co-worker coming in the door, and hides her head under the table. Noel does the same to see what the hell Zoe's problem is. While they're under there, the co-worker [“She looks like Molly Ringwald, no?”  --Dyslexia] [“Actually, she’s the girl who played April Tuna on ‘Popular.’  I think Felicity has become a refugee camp for the actors on that show.  Not that I ever watched it.  More than once or twice.” –Litigia] [“The same way that you’ve only wathed ‘Seventh Heaven’ like a million or so times?”  --Carmexa] comes up to them, peers under, and asks what's up. Zoe oh-so cleverly says Noel was dizzy. Looking for an earring would have been a better cover.  Bangs’s co-worker looks at them like they're both insane and leaves. Zoe tells Noel she doesn't want anyone at work, particularly her dad to know they're dating. Good idea, Zoe. Anyone dating Noel should try to hide that fact.

Ben's sitting in lab class, zoned out. When he comes to, he asks Professor Hodges if he knows anything about pre-med programs in Arizona. The good prof says he'll call around and see.  [“Just hug each other already!”  --Carmexa] 

In drama class, Meghan stiffly reads some lines from Oedipus opposite Javier. Javier hams it up big time doing his lines, and caps it off by fake-stabbing his eyes out. Huge round of applause for him from the class. [“Javier cracked me up here for the first time in a long time.   I still wish they’d just have him back at Dean & Deluca, joking around with Ben and Felicity, though.  Oh wait, Ben and Felicity don’t get to be happy anymore.   I forgot.” –Litigia]  As Javier's giving Meghan acting tips to give her lines more "oomph", a guy named Paul introduces himself. Javier says thanks, but he's not dating right now.  [“Yes, Javier, you are such a hot specimen of manhood!  No one can resist you!  Ohhh, wait.”   --Carmexa]  Paul says he's a director and invites both of them to audition for a mattress commercial that pays $3,000. Why are Javier and Meghan in acting class again? And why do we have to see them every week doing some lame acting thing? Right, they have nothing better written for them. Oh well, they should be glad they're not Elena, who's just evaporated.  [“They should be glad they’re not Elena for many reasons.  If you’ve read the spoilers, you know what I’m talking about.” –Litigia]  [“Bang!   Crash!  Kazam!  Poof!  Dead.”  --Carmexa]

As Ben and Trevor stroll outside, Ben tells Trev that Felicity and Noel are going on a walking tour. Trevor scoffs, and says Noel's a vulture who's swooping in on Felicity. He warns Ben that hanging out can lead to Making Out on the Roof II and that Noel moves fast. Trevor then asks Ben what exactly a walking tour even is, and Ben has to admit he doesn't really know [“I dunnoooooo!”  --Carmexa] but that it'll be fine between Felicity and Noel. [“God, he is a saint.  If there is another guy out there who would not have a problem with his girlfriend constantly hanging out with the guy she had fucked behind his back only months before, I’ll eat my shoe.” –Litigia]  [“Uh, he has a problem with it.  Quite a large one, actually.  Did you not watch the rest of this episode?”  --Carmexa]

Back at the loft, Big Mouth Noel tells Felicity that Ben got an answering machine message from his prof about the University of Arizona. Just as Felicity's looking shocked, Ben comes home. In Ben's room, Felicity asks about the Arizona message and Ben is rightly pissed off that Noel told her. Ben admits that Lauren's moving and he's thinking of going, too. Now it's Felicity's turn to be pissed off, and she wants to know when Ben was planning to tell her about this huge life change he's plotting, and why he keeps saying everything will be okay, when it's obvious it's not. [“Way to make it all about you, Felicity.  He just found out that morning that the mother of his unborn child is moving across the country and all she can think about is that he didn’t tell her until that night?” –Litigia]  [“I agree that the first part was a tad much, but the bit about always saying it’s okay when of course, it can’t be…that bit was right on; both of them know that things can’t stay the same between them—although if, by the ‘staying the same’ they mean ‘perpetually upset and unhappy about the latest bullshit that the writers have decided to throw in their way because they have nothing better to do than make the two of them miserable all the time,’ then maybe they will be able to pull that off.”  --Carmexa] Ben continues to grumble about Dickhead Noel's penchant for flapping his gums about things that aren't his business. Felicity tells Ben about Adam's job offer to her, and presses Ben about what he's going to do. Ben shouts, "I don't know!!!" in frustration. [“He also tells her he is trying to figure it out.  God forbid that Felicity could understand what a horrible position this has put Ben in and try to talk it out with him, without the accusatory tone in her voice.  I know this whole situation has put her in an awful position, too, but I haven’t once seen her offer any sort of comfort or reassurance to Ben.  Not once.  What’s her deal?” –Litigia]  Felicity tersely says "okay" and takes off, and as Ben goes after her, he sees Noel and Felicity leaving for the "walking tour". Oh, is that what kids are calling it these days?

Later at the loft, Ben rips into Noel and says when there's a message for him, then give it to HIM, not somebody else. Noel says "sure" and does some smug eyebrow movement. In the privacy of his room, Ben then tells Sean about the whole Lauren debacle. Sean reminds Ben that fathers have some legal rights and he can make Lauren stay.  [“I love Sean.  Ben should have talked to him earlier.  Maybe Felicity should have talked to Sean about this debacle rather than Puffy Lips, but I’m getting ahead of myself.”  --Dyslexia] Ben says he doesn't want to get into a legal battle, but doesn't know what to do. Sean helpfully says that Santa Fe is lovely, and Ben goes, "That's in New Mexico, bonehead."  [“I loved this scene.  Remember the good old days when the writers of the show managed to throw in those lovely little humorous moments in the midst of all the angst and drama?” –Litigia]  [“Well, the episode was written by Andrea Newman, who is one of the old-timers on the show, so apparently SHE remembers those days, even if no one else does.”  --Carmexa]

Javier is at the girls' apartment practicing for the commercial in front of Meghan and Elena. Boys and girls, it's now time for Elena's weekly 12 seconds of airtime. Watch carefully or you could miss it!  [“If you’re lucky!”  --Carmexa] Meghan says she could do a better job than Javier at the commercial, and she and Javier get into a big bickering match over it. Javier lays down the gauntlet and challenges her to audition, and Meghan agrees, warning that he'll be crying by the time it's over.

Felicity goes to Adam's office to tell him she can't take the job because she doesn't know where she'll be living. Adam questions her decision and says this job is a "big deal", but Felicity says her boyfriend has a big deal, too. A really, really big deal. Possibly an 8 lb 9 oz big deal that cries and burps. [“And a much bigger deal than anything that Adam could possibly be offering Felicity, okay?  If she wanted their relationship to work out as much as she says she does, she’d be willing to see that sometimes a BABY trumps a fucking job that she was only offered ten minutes ago.   A little sacrifice might be called for, bitch!  Christ, it’s always so black-and-white with her.  Either she’s choosing Ben or herself, as though the two can’t work together.   You can be a strong woman while making sacrifices for the people you love, whorebatross!  Felicity needs to get a stick of perspecitve shoved up her ass.  And fast.”  --Carmexa] Okay, no, she doesn't elaborate on Ben's problem, but looks disturbed and contemplative when Adam asks why Ben's big deal tramples hers. Well, because Ben's big deal will walk and talk one day and be able to do some trampling. Felicity on the other hand may decide in two weeks that she'd rather be a firefighter or something instead of an architect.  [“She may even decide she wants to be a doctor, again.  I don’t know.  Or do I?” –Litigia]  [“She does.”  --Carmexa] She seems to change her mind a lot.

Over at Webb World, Noel asks Zoe to just tell her dad about them already. Zoe refuses to, and says it's more than her dad that's the problem, and that she doesn't think this relationship will work at all and it's all a big mistake. Hey Zoe, that's what all the girls end up saying to Noel sooner or later, so you're in good company. [“Hee.  The way Zoe was talking I was wondering if maybe she was married or something.  Or formerly a man.   I didn’t know, but whatever it was seemed pretty damn dramatic.”  --Dyslexia]

In the hallway at school, Prof. Hodges tells Ben he pulled some strings at the University of Arizona for him, but that Ben's got to decide if wants in by tomorrow.  Of course this doesn't sit well with Ben because he doesn't know what end is up right now. [“I don’t understand, though, what harm it could do to apply.  He doesn’t know whether he’ll get accepted or not, and he could always turn them down.   Oh, but that wouldn’t be a very convenient plot-point to make, now would it?  Christ!”  --Carmexa]

Soon after, he's meeting Lauren at a cafe.  Ben asks her if she'll wait a year at least to move so he can get his life in order, but the nasty pregnant transvestite totally shoots him down. Ben huffs at her, tells her to go to Arizona without him, and leaves angrily.  [“I hate Lauren.” –Litigia]

Felicity arrives at the loft and once again disappointingly only finds Noel there. This time he's sitting in bed drinking beer, wallowing in his loserdom.   Felicity asks to wallow with him and goes and sits on his bed. Loser admits Zoe broke up with him. He then asks Felicity what she's wallowing about, and Felicity starts to cry. As Felicity reveals that Ben got Lauren pregnant, Noel sees his big chance and scootches over to her and hugs her. Ben comes in right then, gets a load of this little scene, and says, "Un-fucking-believable", shaking his head as he heads straight to his room.  [“I’m sure that’s what he was thinking, but he actually only said, ‘Unbelievable.’” –Litigia]   [“God, I hate Noel.  I know that a lot of people say that he was only trying to be supportive of his friend, blahblahblahpenis, but news-flash, assholes!  First of all, did you miss the bit about ‘Zoe just broke up with me’?  Right.  No time like the self-pitying present to make a move on your fellow self-pityer!  Just like before!  And secondly, speaking of just-like-before, you fucking moron!  Felicity!  Is your brain not fully developed or something?  I don’t care how upset you are!  I don’t care if you are on the verge of slitting your ankles with an Exact-O knife, you do not—do NOT, under any circumstances!—go to Noel with your shit!  Don’t you remember what happened the last time you did that?   And even if you don’t fuck him again—ick!—is your head jammed so far up your ass that you can’t understand why seeing you in the arms of Noel would royally piss Ben off?  Have you forgotten everything that has happened this year?  Have you forgotten how lucky you were that Ben forgave you in the first place?  And now, you’re re-enacting the whole bullshit thing!  AGH!  Phew.  It feels good to get that off my chest.”  --Carmexa]

Felicity goes over to Ben’s room to talk to him. Ben starts shouting,  "What the hell was that?!!" and says that every time something's amiss with their relationship she runs to Noel. [“True.”   --Carmexa] Showing incredible stupidity or huge balls for a girl who almost killed her relationship with Ben with her pitiful canoodling with Noel, Felicity starts defending her position, saying Noel was making her feel better ("Oh, I'm sure he was!" Ben says), and that the whole baby situation has been hard on her and she needed somebody to talk to, but Ben wasn't there for her. Ben tells her that's a load of CRAP!  [“Which it was, considering he’s been begging her to talk to him about it for weeks.” –Litigia]  [“If you couldn’t tell by my previous rant, I’m on Ben’s side here.  What the hell is Felicity talking about???  Like Lit said, he’s been trying to pry some reaction out of her for weeks now—or months, actually, if you’re gauging time by Lauren’s stomach—and has gotten jack-shit.  And even if she does feel so compelled to talk to someone else about it, which would be understandable, she has other people to go to!  Anyone but Noel, you stupid girl!”  --Carmexa] (As Ben's growing increasingly angry, his hair morphs during each cut-away shot, and when the camera comes back to him at one point, he's got a full-on Wolverine going. Heh.Scott's such a good actor, he even acts with his hair!)  Felicity keeps insisting it has nothing to do with Noel, and Ben shovels it right back at her saying it had everything to do with Noel, because if she hadn't cheated with Noel then none of this would have happened. [“Except he says it like, ‘heppened.’  It’s adorable.” –Litigia] Felicity's stunned and livid that Ben's blaming it all on her and says Ben just can't get over her infidelity. Ben agrees that he probably can't get past it and tells her to just go be with Noel already. Felicity storms out. That would have been a great moment for them to just get really angry at each other, let it get to a fevered pitch, then jump each other's bones. When was the last time these two even really kissed? [“When they got back together at the airport in ‘A Perfect Match.’   Well, that’s the last time we saw them kiss, anyway.” –Litigia]  Too long ago.   

Back at Adam's office, Adam’s carrying around a big bag of Cheetos and offers Felicity a “cheesie puff”. “Cheesie puff”? I’ve never heard anyone call a Cheeto a cheesie puff before, except for Cartman from South Park.  [“I thought the same thing!  ‘If we didn’t like Cheesy Poofs / we’d be lame!’”  --Dyslexia]  Anyway, she turns down the cheesie, but asks Adam if it's too late to accept the job offer. He’s says it's not, but wants to know if something happened with Ben. Felicity says they broke up. He congratulates her on pursuing her own “big deal”, and Felicity gives a half-hearted “yeah”. Adam offers to listen to her break-up woes since he's walked a mile in her shoes, but Felicity turns him down. He offers her a Cheeto again and she accepts because everyone knows Cheetos make you feel better.  [“They’d be better if they were spread across Ben’s naked body.   What a waste.”  --Dyslexia]

Noel's at work making excuses to get out of a meeting. He's avoiding Bangs, and tells Sean that they broke up.

At the commercial auditions, Meghan says she doesn't want to bicker with Javier over a stupid mattress commercial anymore and offers to drop out of the running. Javier says they should both audition and may the best mattress-pusher win. He suggests the winner buy the loser dinner and then offers to seal the deal with a hug. Meghan flat out says, "No!"

Sean stops Zoe at the office and starts trumpeting the greatness of Noel. It doesn't take that long, because you know... Even with Sean begging her to give Noel another chance, Zoe refuses. Sean says she'll be sorry, because if there's one thing Sean knows about it's breaking up and getting back together. He does it two or three times a week.

Felicity goes over to the loft to pick up some of her things, and only Noel's there again. She has the worst luck!  Actually, she’s a little relieved Ben’s not there this time. Noel asks if Ben really thinks there's something going on between them, but he's got this look on his face like he hopes the answer is yes, because that'd pump up his sad little ego. Felicity says Ben refuses to say "bygones" about the lawnchair sexcapade. [“It would be one thing to say ‘bygones’ about some random guy who he knew that Felicity would never see again, but she sees Noel ALL THE FUCKING TIME.  I think I’d have a hard time letting it go, too.”   --Carmexa] Ben comes in, and is greeted again by a delightful scene of Felicity and Noel sharing a moment. As he's about to stalk away, Noel starts shouting at Ben that there's nothing going on between Felicity and him. He yells that Felicity loves Ben, and then some big giant lightbulb finally goes on in his dim mind, and he admits that, "She loves you. She loves YOU. Not me." He says he’s got enough relationship problems and doesn’t need to be involved in theirs. Since when?!? [“No kidding!  I wish he would have realized that a couple years ago.” –Litigia]  Noel the Noble then says Ben and Felicity are a couple of crazy kids in love and should work it out or they're both grounded. [“Hee!  Yeah, he practically has superiority oozing out his giant nostrils in this scene.  ‘Look, look!   I’m being soooooo mature!’  Just die already, you sanctimonious bastard.  …….all in due time, my pretties!  All in due time!  Kinda.  –Carmexa] Noel leaves the room.

Felicity starts heading out the door, but Ben stops her and apologizes for blaming the baby problems on Felicity. He says he let his anger get the best of him. She tries to reassure him again that there's nothing between her and Noel, and swears the "horrible" (good word!) mistake will never happen again.  [“I’m glad that she said it was a mistake again.  Some of the Felicity and Noel fans will never get it through their heads that Felicity is altogether repulsed by what she did with Noel.”   --Dyslexia] [“You realize, of course, that the Felicity and Noel fans don’t care what Felicity says.  Why listen to her words when you can tell she’s in love with Noel by the way she watches him eating his cereal?” –Litigia]  The insecurity and emotional baggage Ben's been shouldering for a lifetime wells up again as Ben tells Felicity that he feels like he's drowning and he's afraid he's pulling her down with him. [“Ben can pull me down anytime he wants.  But that aside, sweet Lord, what a sweetheart he is.”  --Carmexa] He says that he sometimes thinks Felicity should be with Noel and that it'd be better for her.  [“Not true, darling, not true!”  --Carmexa] Felicity firmly tells him she only wants to be with him. [“Speedy does a great reaction shot here, where he almost looks stunned that, even after all of this crap, she still wants to be with him.” –Litigia] Ben says he wants to be with her, too. They hug deeply, and all is right in the world -- for a few minutes. [“And right before Felicity hugs him, she says ‘Beeeen’ very longingly, like she’s wanted to hold him for a long time.  Ahhh, so nice.”  --Dyslexia] [“And when she hugs him, she touches his neck and then kind of grabs onto the hood of his sweatshirt.  Soooo nice.” –Litigia]  A little later, the two are sitting low to the floor on boxes or little foot stools or something. They are knee-to-knee facing each other with hands wandering here and there. [“I’m not sure, but I think Felicity’s feet are actually resting on top of Ben’s feet.   Awwww.” –Litigia] Ben quietly asks Felicity if she'll go to Arizona with him. Felicity says she can't and that she's got to map her own life but she wants to be with him, which just sounds totally contradictory to me. [“Yeah, it doesn’t totally make sense to me either, but Ben liked what she said, I guess, because he actually smiled for the first time in weeks.” –Litigia]  Ben says there must be a way they can figure this all out.

Back at the Graphics Company Where No Work Is Ever Done Because We're Too Busy Agonizing Over Our Love Lives, Zoe admits to Noel that her dad is protective not because he hates Noel but because three years ago, Zoe suffered from an unrequited love and ended up very depressed and hospitalized.  [“Yeah, that was her problem.  Seriously, I thought the issue was going to run much deeper than that, but hell, works for me.  Noel understands the situation, and they look at each other like soul sisters.  Cool.  Get married.”   --Dyslexia]  [“Done!”  --Carmexa] Noel gives her the watery-eyed look of commiseration. They kiss and make up.  [“And Molly Ringwald busts in, probably because she’s seen Noel do it in the office a couple hundred times and thinks it’s acceptable, and Bangs says, ‘Doh! Guess we have to tell Daddy that you don’t just like me, but you like-like me.’”  --Dyslexia]

In some Gift of the Magi turn of events, Javier and Meghan reveal to each other that they both messed up their auditions on purpose so the other would get the role, and neither ended up getting it. Javier gets all touchy-feely and goes on about the spirit of giving that's at the heart of acting. He then hugs Meghan despite her protests.

Ben goes over to Lauren's and again asks her to stay in New York. This time he calmly warns her that he could legally try to stop her from going. He says he’s a part of this now, and that she can’t keep making all these decisions without him. Lauren seems impressed by Ben's newly sprouted spine, and agrees to think it over.

At the loft, Ben's getting ready to go out and sees pitiful Noel trying to open up some sort of canned food, like beans or mini ravioli or something. Because Ben's such a swell guy (something we can't emphasize enough around here) [“Speaking of emphasis, let me emphasize the word SWELL in conjunction with the thought of Ben.  Sorry.  I just had to.”  --Carmexa], he invites Noel along to meet Felicity at Epstein Bar. Noel accepts. Over at Epstein, Felicity's at the bar getting a round of beers [“While giving a massive product placement to the folks at Samuel Adams.” –Litigia] [“This is not the first time they’ve done it.  Go watch Felicity’s birthday party in ‘Surprise.’” –Carmexa], and looks back at the booth and sees Ben and Noel talking happily and animatedly. She's all aglow and smiley seeing her boys together like that. She gets to have her cake and eat it, too. This girl gets all the breaks. She brings the beer back to the booth, slides in next to Ben, and sort of leans in toward him, and looks like she puts her head on his shoulder for a moment. They all clink bottles and smile in slow-mo.

On the next Felicity...Ben's hurt! Call a doctor! Call an ambulance! He's got an owie on his head! Oh no!!! No wait, that’s the damn WB making a preview puree of many episodes again. That’s not next week…but it’s going to happen. Poor Ben!