Turkey, Stuffing and a Side of Temporary Make-up Sex
Episode 408: The Last Thanksgiving

Get an eyeful

By Dyslexia

Steamed Unicorn Root, Anyone?
The episode begins with Felicity painting frantically, just like she did in The Break-up Kit. Felicity definitely has a style when she's sad about Ben. It's sort of an industrial, raw, well…splattered and smeared art. ["I think I saw the word FRENCH in their somewhere…whatever that means." --Carmexa] Picasso had his Blue Period, Felicity has her Ben Angst period. But at least she got her period. Whatever. Let's not dwell on that piss-poor eppie. ["Been there. Done that. Ick, ick, ick." -Litigia]

Meghan calls Felicity and tells her she's working on a spell to get her and Ben back together. They talk about Thanksgiving plans.["Why do Americans choose to celebrate Thanksgiving so close to Christmas? Are you just trying to show how much turkey you can eat in a four-week period? Does it cut down on shopping, and you just buy all your similar Thanksgiving and Christmas food all at once? And what's the deal with all those presidential holidays? We don't have a holiday celebrating any former heads of state or anyone at all for that matter. But I think if we ever get a national holiday honouring a famous person it should be Scott Speedman Day!" -- Bitchavia, the Canuck] First, the event is going to be at Sean and Meghan's; Sean wants Ben there and Meghan wants Felicity to be there, and they argue. Turns out Sean burnt some shoes in their oven, so the happy newlyweds can't host Thanksgiving after all. Ah, I smell trouble. Sean sips some of the FAB brew and says it's tasty. Very funny, but eww! Unicorn root, candy flour, and hair? So, like, if you swallow the concoction, does the spell become null and void? Can it be revived it he burps? I'm curious is all--I'm not a Wiccan.

Noel's cute gay brother Ryan is in town. I'm glad it's the same Ryan from Season One. ["Yeah, he's the one Noel totally acted like an asshole to when he told Noel he was gay. And that was back when Noel was supposedly a great guy. Whatever." -Litigia] Noel lies and says his graphics job going well, and leaves out the part about being a lonesome loser who messed up Felicity and Ben's relationship, is now screwing up the lives of his innocent college advisees, and is basically trying to screw just about anything resembling the female species. ["Don't forget Richard!" --Carmexa] Bleah blee-blah.

I Wish Felicity and Ben Were Only Fighting About Raisins
Sean and Meghan are putting decorations together for Thanksgiving. ["That paper turkey he's holding? I have it mounted on my wall. I stole it. Bygones." --Carmexa] I love Sean. He's so domestic and geeky. He's wearing this pilgrim hat that makes him look idiotic, but he's damned spirited and lovable. Meghan asks if Ben wants to have Thanksgiving dinner. Sean adds it's at Felicity's. Ben decides not to go after all because he's gonna see his dad. Noel walks in with Ryan, and Ben looks away and quickly leaves. ["What the hell is Noel still doing living in the loft? It must be torture for Ben to have to see him all the time, even for brief moments like this. Why can't Noel just go live with Richard until he finds a new place? Jesus." -Litigia] ["Don't use the Lord's name in the same sentence as Noel's. It's sacrilege. And don't say it in the same sentence as Ben's. It's redundant." --Carmexa] Meghan gives Noel a glare of death. Heh-heh. I love Meghan. Sean invites Noel to Thanksgiving dinner. Excuse me, but if Sean wanted so desperately to make the peace by keeping Felicity and Ben apart, why invite the guy who invented this whole disaster? Noel and Ryan decline the dinner invitation. For this, I am thankful.

At Dean & Deluca, Felicity and Javier are chatting. Samuel and Javier got into a fight again over raisins in the stuffing, and this time, instead of taking a houseplant with him, Javier took their cat Mommy. ["Just for the record, I hate this whole Samuel and Javier are constantly fighting storyline. It's completely out of nowhere and pointless. Last year, they were the perfect couple, going to have a baby and now, they can't spend a day without fighting? Dumb." -Litigia] Felicity makes Mommy a drink -- it appears to be a latte. Okay, I love animals, but get the cat off the counter already. ["Seriously, I hardly think Javier could be so upset with Ben for refusing to wear a hairnet at work if he is regularly bringing his cat around the place." -Litigia] Felicity invites Javier over for dinner.

Ben scoots in, ignoring Felicity. She goes to talk to him and asks him about dinner. ["Score! Felicity must be making progress with Ben. He returned her 'hey.' When Ben and Felicity are 'hey'-ing each other -- we'll pretend that's a euphemism for sex -- you know all is almost right in the world." -Carmexa] She wants him to be there because she doesn't want him to be alone. "Who said I was gonna be alone?" Ben asks. Oh boy. He tells her he's gonna see his dad, and he's pretty short with her ["Yeah, but he did amend his not-alone statement by saying that it was to be with his dad…which eased the shortness a little bit. At least he's not spending it with some chicky boppy. Awww, shit." --Carmexa]. It breaks my heart. ["Mine, too." -Litigia] She leaves.

Elena's hammering away on her typewriter, filling out a med school application, while Trevor reads Cliff's Notes. He thinks the Cliff's Notes are hard, he's retaking English I, and Elena looks worried. Wow, even I'm not dumb enough to fail English I. ["I hope not, since you were, you know, an English major." -Litigia]["Oh poor Elena. What a quandry -- he's cute and hot yet has the I.Q. of lint. Should she jump his bones or tutor him?" -- Bitchavia]

Tami and Gaby are in Florida, if you care.["Who? Wuh? For a minute there, I thought you were talking about some other cats belonging to Javier." -- Bitchavia] Meghan invites Trevor to dinner. Elena tells Meghan she thinks Trevor isn't smart enough, and Meghan says Elena should give him her special smart test.

The Uninvited Wench
At the hospital, Ben thanks Lauren for her support while his dad was in the hospital because "it makes it easier." Damn. Felicity was the one who was supposed to be there, comforting and consoling and the like. Ben asks Lauren if she wants to go to the cafeteria, but she thinks that's depressing, and I could give a shit. Lauren wants a real dinner and asks if he has one to go to. He says he was invited to one but it would be weird because the dinner is at his ex-girlfriend's house. ["It broke my heart just to hear Ben referring to Felicity as his 'ex-girlfriend.' That is just so wrong." -Litigia] Lauren invites herself, because she's evil, and Ben agrees. ["I hate Lauren. Why is she still alive?" --Carmexa]

Ryan and Noel talk. Ryan thinks he should call their mother. Never date a guy who doesn't respect his mother enough to give her the time of day, unless she's like the mother from Mommie Dearest. ["Side note: Dyslexia is married to a mama's boy. But yeah, I agree. Guys treat their girlfriends/wives like they treat their mothers. Case in point, Oedipus." --Carmexa] Noel confesses that he got fired from his job, and Ryan asks what's going on because things were tense at his place. Noel says it's not a big deal but he slept with Felicity. It's not a big deal? What a jackass. Ryan gets mad and says, "I know you've been in love with her forever, but it seems you aren't exactly making the smartest moves." ["That's the understatement of the year." -- Bitchavia] Of course Noel gets pissy and defensive and walks away. ["Every time I think I can't possibly hate Noel more, he finds a way to prove me wrong." -Litigia]

So, the gang is getting Thanksgiving dinner ready and guess who has to show up: Ben and Lauren. Bleah. He gives Felicity a slightly regretful stare and introduces her to everyone. He introduces Felicity to Lauren last. It's just so wretchedly sad. Lauren, the recovering alcoholic, gives them some wine. ["I hate Lauren. Why is she still alive?" --Carmexa] Meghan's annoyed. Have I mentioned how much I love that goofy witch?

Sometimes Felicity's so nice I can't stand it. Get this, she thinks it's nice that Ben brought Lauren because she probably didn't have anywhere else to go. She adds that Ben has the right to be with whomever he wants, and walks away. Javier says, "She's so strong, like Joan of Arch." Heehee. ["God, it kills me to see Felicity trying to be so strong, when you know she's crumbling like Jenga blocks on the inside." --Carmexa]["C'mon, she's lying through her teeth! She's pissed but feels like she has to be magnanimous about it all because she boned Noel and that's her penance. As if admitting you had sex with Noel isn't enough of an eternal penance." -- Bitchavia]

Just when you think Lauren couldn't get more annoying, you find out she's a Dallas fan. ["Personally, I find this her only redeeming quality. Go 'Boyz!" -Litigia] ["Don't worry, people. This is only one of a great number of reasons that you should hate Litigia. Isn't she dumb? God, I hate Texas." --Carmexa] The reason she digs Dallas, she claims, is because she likes rooting for the underdogs. ["Okay, I know that the Cowboys suck donkey dick this year, but they're not exactly the first team that comes to mind when I think underdog. Go root for the Lions or something, bitch. Or, just die." --Carmexa] Um, then why can't she pair up with Noel? Oh, and Ben agrees with Lauren about Dallas. Okay, this isn't the Ben we know, being all submissive and agreeable. Felicity asks if they need anything, and Ben says no, real snotty like. Well, he's entitled, but it still sucks. ["I don't want to feel bad for Felicity, but dammit, I just can't help it. Waahhh!" --Carmexa]

Noel's at the bar having a personal pity party and notices some chick there who's just way too into him. Her name is Dana, and she looks like Natalie. Dana buys him a drink, and the camera pans back to show the two talking for a solid 12 seconds. That was a waste of time.["That was 12 seconds that could have been used for a Ben scene! We'll never get that 12 seconds back again!" -- Bitchavia]

Javier is checking on Mommy, who apparently needs as much attention as an infant, and he catches Ben in the hall. ["Oh my God, yeah, the imitation is good, too, but the way that Speedy says 'Hi Mommy' cracked my shit way, way up." --Carmexa]Javier says his girlfriend seems nice. Ben says she's not his girlfriend, but what if she was? Javier keeps saying "a-ha," ["I thought it was more like 'eh-heh.'" -Carmexa] because that's what he says when he doesn't have anything nice to say. Ben does a great imitation of Javier that cracks me up. ["Cracked me up, too. Speedy has been great with all the drama, but this little moment reminds me the guy is capable of great comedy, too. Please writers, give the guy some joyful storylines for a change!" -Litigia] Although Javier doesn't want to take sides, he tells Ben that hurting Felicity is not right.

Back in the living room, Ben finds Lauren and Felicity chatting. ["I hate Lauren here. I hate Lauren there. And I hate Lauren everywhere. But I especially hate Lauren here because she has got to be like the least perceptive, or the least sensitive person ever. Yes, Felicity is obviously Ben's ex---wahhh!---girlfriend. Hey, bitch! Does it look like she wants to talk about it? Then, fuck off!" --Carmexa] ["Hey, Carmy, what do you think of Lauren? Do you like her or not? I can't tell. -- Bitchavia] How awkward for him. Ben's short with Felicity, and she walks away. He watches her leave and looks a little sad.

Elena is still filling out her essay when Trevor walks in. He throws Elena on the bed in his usual playful fashion. Have these two had sex yet? ["I don't know, but since we are talking about Elena here, I'm gonna guess they have." -Litigia] ["Yeah, and Trevor doesn't exactly strike me as Mr. Chaste, either." --Carmexa] She starts giving him the test, claiming these questions are on her application. Okay, how dumb is he? He doesn't know what planets are between the sun and the earth. Wow. That is pretty bad. ["It's Mercury and Venus, right? Please tell me I'm right. I'd hate to think I don't meet Elena's standards." -Litigia] ["Yes, you're right. But don't get too excited; it won't last." --Carmexa]

Noel enters a hotel room with the Natalie look-alike. All righty then.

Finally, the group sits down to eat. Javier makes a great toast: "It occurred to me earlier, while I was brushing Mommy's hair, that this may be our last Thanksgiving together. But we all know, especially with all the craziness in the world, that nothing lasts forever--well nothing but the love we have for each other. So, forgetting all about our little soap opera dramas--and I'm not pointing any fingers--let's all give thanks for each other." Very sweet. ["It was beautiful. I almost cried." -Litigia] Lauren, the recovering alcoholic, toasts with wine. Is that foreshadowing or just an oversight by the writers? ["C'mon, foreshadowing!" --Carmexa]["I lay my bet on Lauren eventually perishing in a car accident. Oh pleasepleaseplease. -- Bitchavia]

Meghan Puts the Fun in Dysfuntional
Commence Thanksgiving feast. This is where it gets hilarious, because tons of crazy shit is going on. Okay. Ben and Lauren are talking about frivolous crap, like how expensive Dean and Deluca merchandise is, only Ben's pretending to be way too into the conversation just to make Felicity jealous.["As if anyone at the table would believe Ben was even the slightest bit interested in discussing D&D products. The only time he's probably ever interested in them is when he's eating them for free at work." -- Bitchavia] He's entitled, but Felicity just wants him to pass the gravy. He doesn't hear her, and keeps up the lame small talk. Javier thinks his end of the table is boring, and can't believe that no one seems to care about the sale at Barney's. By the way, what's the capital of Washington? Elena asks Trevor. See, it's part of that smart test. Sean answers "Olympia," so there you have it. "Would Ben pass Felicity the damn gravy already?" Meghan blurts. ["I don't really think that 'blurts' is the right word. She sort of hissed it. Yay, Meggie!" --Carmexa] She's my favorite supporting character in this eppie. Hee hee.

Meghan gets sassier and asks Lauren if she has a boyfriend, because she knows someone she can set her up with. He's in AA too. Bwah! See, it's mean, but I don't care, because Lauren is trouble. She's like Avery without the money and extra makeup. ["I miss Maggie!" --Carmexa]["At least Avery tried to buy Ben with pricey gifts, and Maggie gave Ben tarts (and hot sex on a butcher block). What's Lauren good for? What can she possibly give Ben? Oh nevermind, I read the spoilers, and I don't want to think about it anymore." -- Bitchavia] Lauren claims she's not ready for a relationship, but Meghan says she sure seems ready. Lauren blathers about how she recently got out of a long-term relationship with a guy she's been in love with since high school. Meghan says, "Whoa, that was a long-term relationship." I pee my pants. Ben asks Meghan what her problem is, Sean asks her to back off, and Felicity says he didn't do anything. Ben tells Felicity, "You're right. I didn't do anything except waste the last year and a half of my life." Ouch. Felicity looks shattered. ["Keri Russell rocks with her facial expressions again. She looks like she wants to crawl under the table and die." -Litigia] "Does anyone want to play Yahtzee?", Javier asks. Felicity walks away. Ben obviously regrets what he says, because he gets up and goes after her immediately.

Ben and Felicity Fornication: Better Than Pumpkin Pie
When Ben walks sluggishly into the room, Felicity asks him how many more times she can say she's sorry. She wonders if he's trying to get back at her by coming to dinner. He says no, ["Speedy does a great job here, because when he says he wasn't trying to hurt her, you can totally see on his face that he is lying." -Litigia] and she asks, "If you hate me so much -- if being with me was such a waste of your time -- then why did you come?" ["Because he wants you, needs you, loves you! Make up already, you crazy star-crossed lovers! -- Bitchavia] He says he has no idea, it was clearly a mistake. Ben and Lauren leave.

Ryan's at the loft and Noel calls with some crazy plea. What I wouldn't give to have had Ben answer. Ryan shows up at the hotel and Noel is there naked, handcuffed to the bed. ["Someone please explain to me how Noel managed to call anyone when he was handcuffed to the bed!" -Litigia] This is even more funny than when the same thing happened to George Costanza. Apparently Dana stripped him and robbed him. Ah, that old trick. And he fell for it. Ryan asks what is wrong with him. He leaves and tells the locksmith to take care of Noel. ["Translation: 'Take care of Noel' = 'Give Noel a swift kick(s) to his non-existent balls." --Carmexa]

Speaking of annoying bitches, Lauren's totally into Ben, slapping him playfully and stroking his jacket. She really needs to die. ["She does. His dad is her sponsor, for godsake. This is completely inappropriate." -Litigia] Ben apologizes to Lauren for the crazy dinner. He looks at her a little too much. ["They're just trying to set up the next episode, but shoving this mini-flirtation down our throats. I hate it. I hate Lauren. Why is she still alive, again?" --Carmexa] Lauren says he needs to iron things out with Felicity and that he should call her. ["She says it in a way that means, 'Call Felicity and work that shit out, so that I can sink my claws into your perfect, delicious body.'" --Carmexa] He agrees. ["Oh god, leave him alone already, Mary Kay LeTourneau!" -- Bitchavia]

Meghan wants to put a hex on Lauren. I love her, have I said that yet? Elena has to explain what this means to Trevor, and rambles about witchcraft. Javier wonders why Elena suddenly sounds like "Jacques Cousteau without the accent or the underwater camera?" Sean figures out that Elena's giving him the smart test. Trevor gets mad and leaves. ["Wow, he's smart!" -- Bitchavia]

Ben bursts in and immediately asks where Felicity is. Heehee, he can't wait to talk to her. They go into her bedroom and Ben apologizes for bringing Lauren. Felicity says he was just being nice, and he sort of chuckles, probably because he's thinking about how sweet Felicity can be. Ben says he didn't bring her to be nice. He asserts, "When someone hurts you, you want to hurt them back. And then I look at you, and no matter how mad I am, I want the hurting to stop." ["This was my favorite line of the whole eppy. As natural an instinct as it is to want to hurt her, he loves her too much. He is perfect." -Litigia] Oh, the agony of it all. Felicity sits down on the bed and sighs, and Ben starts to leave. She pleads for him to stay, just for five minutes. She's really hurting. ["Ben can't stand it. He wants to be able to, but he just can't…..oh God." --Carmexa] Ben shuts the door and stares at her. Oh, someone hold me, he's got so much pain in his eyes. He sits next to her, grabs her hand, and then turns to her and kisses her. Woo-hoo!!! She's all about reconciliation and is petting his face and askew hair as they lie back onto the bed. ["Bliss. God, no one makes out like they do. You've got to love how Keri aligns herself on top of him as Speedy simultaneously hoists her closer to him. God. Hose me down." --Carmexa] Enjoy this scene, 'cause it's the last we'll have for lord only knows how long. ["I know how long. And you can, too, ladies and gentlemen, if you read our spoilers page." -Litigia]["Come on over to the dark side. You know you want to." -- Bitchavia]

Back in the kitchen, Elena, Sean, and Meghan are cleaning up. Javier knocks on the door and Sean yells for him to come in. One of the girls hushes him and Sean says "like they're paying attention to us." Heh. I'll bet they were loud. Sweet. ["It is also noted that they've been in there for over an hour. Stamina must be Speedy's second middle name. Robert Scott Stamina Speedman. Mmmhmm." --Carmexa] Javier shows up with a suitcase; he left Samuel for good, but he's happy that they are together. Yeah. Like it's that simple.

Noel's Psychologist is Going to Need Therapy
Ryan, who got a $50 parking ticket even though Noel told him his parking space was totally legal ["Way to go, Dickhead. I'd make Noel pay it anyway even though he's unemployed."-- Bitchavia], talks to his brother about how hard it is when you're not with the person you love. ["I was hoping this would be the part where Ryan tells Noel that he understands what it's like to be in the closet, and that Noel should just come out already, go to Richard and love openly. Damn, not this time!" -- Bitchavia] Noel knows what that feels like, and that's not what he's feeling. Interesting. Sort of. Ryan rambles about how their dad used to be depressed, and Ryan's depressed, and maybe Noel is too. He tells Noel he's a good person, and Noel agrees. ["Self-congratulatory prick." --Carmexa]

Elena finds Trevor at Epstein and asks Trevor to look at her med school application. She's smart but doesn't dabble much in extracurriculars. She thinks maybe she studies too much and doesn't have a life. Trevor tells her to write about her tutoring. What a sweetheart! They play darts. I'm starting to like them a little more now.

Noel leaves a message with Dr. Pavone, asking for a referral. ["If Dr. Pavone weren't already Felicity's shrink, I would say that she would be perfect for Noel. She wouldn't take his self-pitying shit." -Litigia]

Ben is not bare-chested long enough, but apparently I can't be picky. ["Of course I love to see him shirtless, but I didn't mind that he was getting dressed because there is something so damn sexy about the way that man puts on a shirt. Mmmmm." -Litigia] He leans over a sleeping Felicity to get his shirt, and I swear he wanted to kiss her shoulder. ["He totally hesitated right above her. Either Ben or Scott or both forgot the circumstances." --Carmexa] He's got a thing for her shoulders, you see. So, he says he's gonna go, and she says he doesn't have to. Now it gets sad, because Ben says their evening together was a mistake. He thought being with her might make him forget about things, but it didn't. He tells her: "I love you. If this had happened a year ago, I would have understood, I would have felt like I deserved to be cheated on. But I don't, I don't deserve it." ["No, you don't Ben!" -Litigia] ["God, I loved this scene, even though it broke my heart into a trillion tiny pieces….Ben's 'I love you' is so sincere, but so sad….and shit, the way he says that before, he would have felt like he deserved it. Oh, Ben! No! You never deserved it, no matter how low your self-esteem was!" --Carmexa] She agrees, he leaves. And now you can shoot me.