Felicity Sue Got Married

Episode 418: Time Will Tell

Eye spy

By Dyslexia

So, Take me away, I don't mind
But you better promise me
I'll be back in time
I gotta get back in time

Gotta get back in time
Get me back in time
Get back, get back
Get back, Felicity!

I can't get that Huey Lewis song out of my head after watching Time Will Tell. You know, something must have been decent about this show because for the first time in a while I was actually excited to write this recap. I even wrote most of it at work. I am so fired. ["I don't think doing Felicity stuff at work is grounds for dismissal. If it were, I'd have been fired long ago." - Bitchavia]

So before the credits even roll, we are bombarded with a bunch of pivotal events that basically inspire Felicity to want to go back in time, which is, if you haven't figured by now, the whole premise of the rest of the season. Felicity's back to making tapes for Sally, and tells Sally about the following happenings: Elena bites it in a car accident. Remember her? The girl who had about 10 seconds of air time every week, sports the Charlie's Angel's 'do? Right, right - her. ["At the funeral, the camera pans up on a gravestone that says, in big letters, 'Miller.' Does this mean they wanted Tangi dead, too? Or was it supposed to be funny?" -Litigia] ["It would probably depend who you asked." --Carmexa] So apparently she got into a car accident and died, and Felicity starts drifting, or whatever. ["Poor Elena. Even in death, she doesn't merit more than 12 seconds air time."-- Bitchavia] She's so damn sad, and I guess that's what causes her to start slipping away from Ben back in Palo Alto. A bit contrived, wouldn't you say? ["Well, contrivance is the only way to set this whole story in progress, so…" --Carmexa] I mean, it's sad, but it's fictional Elena. As if they ever talked anyway, and when they did, Elena only offered up hideous advice.

Ben and Felicity are studying, and Ben wants to go play outside. She says no. Frolic with Ben, you fool! She wouldn't know how good she had it if I slapped her five times and pulled every strand of her slicked-up hair. She sulks and says she'd rather study. Zzzzzz.

It's a year or so post-graduation, and Ben and Felicity have been taking pre-med courses together. ["Uh, this sentence would have made a lot more sense at the beginning of the last paragraph. I could have just changed it, but I'd rather do it this way." --Carmexa]["Because you're so kind and thoughtful like that." -- Bitchavia] Another girl in their class, Claire, has been hanging out with the couple. Turns out she went to UNY and they never even knew her. ["Yeah, but I bet they run across her again, in the time warp. Wanna bet? " --Carmexa] ["I'll take that bet. And I'd also like to buy a bridge, and some swamp land in Tennessee." -- Bitchavia] What a contrivance … er … coincidence! I cringe at the sight of Claire because she's pretty cute, and I already knew where this story was going.

So Felicity's feeling like she's drifting from Ben, and I guess Ben felt it too, because in this beginning narration Felicity walks into the library and sees Ben kissing Claire. SHIT! I hate these writers. What are the brainstorming sessions like in that writer's room? "Um … let's see, how about we write another cheating storyline! Breaktime!" Anyway, there is a reason they are doing this, and I'm so friggin resentful. I really am. Ben's kissing Claire the same way he kissed the Pink Power Ranger way back in season one … sort of an icky, non-meaningful make-out kiss I guess. ["I thought it was more like the Avery kiss than the Pink Power Ranger kiss." -Litigia] Why the hell am I describing the kiss? I am a masochist.["As if! As if! As if, Ben would actually do such a thing, especially in light of everything he and Felicity have been through. They've been back together for like, two minutes, and he's macking with some random chick?? This is the same Ben who's never cheated? The same Ben who turned down a hot-chocolate-bearing wench who got naked in his kitchen? Who is this Ben? Gah, I hate these writers. Don't besmirch Ben just so you can justify going all Peggy Sue on us." -- Bitchavia]

Felicity runs out of the library and calls Meghan. Naturally Meghan is pissed and says she needs to come back to New York for Noel and Zoe's wedding. Felicity agrees to fly back and tells Meghan not to mention what happened between Felicity and Ben. Oh, they broke up. Did I even need to mention that? ["Ben and Felicity Break-up No. #534 duly noted in the record books." -- Bitchavia]

She returns to New York and Meghan tells the gang that Ben isn't coming because he has exams. ["God, their friends must be fucking stupid. Ben and Felicity are taking the same courses, but only he has exams? Morons." --Carmexa] Later, Felicity is unpacking and Noel enters her room. He tells Felicity that he's nervous about getting married. They talk a little bit about what might have been and say that they miss each other's company.

The credits roll. Whew. A lot happened so far.

Meghan is so pissed at Ben (and rightfully so) ["No, not rightfully so. Should she be pissed? Yes. Should she be telling Felicity that she should never get back together with Ben because of this? No. She's the one who ripped Ben a new one because he wouldn't consider forgiving Felicity after she fucked Noel. Female solidarity, I know. But telling her to never get back together with Ben took it too far, IMO." -Litigia] ["Oh, whatever. It's Meghan. She's not pro-forgiveness; she's pro-Felicity. You should know that by now." --Carmexa] that she decides to whip up a spell to make Ben trip. My videotape freaked out at this point and I had to wind loose tape back into the cartridge for a second, so if I missed something, can one of the goddesses please fill it in? Por favor. ["Meghan tells Felicity about this great new book of spells by a guy named Korsakoff. And then wonders if she should make Ben fall down a flight of stairs or just trip. Felicity says not to make him fall down a flight of stairs. That's nice of her." -Litigia]

At Noel and Zoe's rehearsal dinner, Felicity babbles about coveting Noel or something super lame. She's seriously nuts. She gives a speech about how lucky they both are, blah blah, and Ben walks in. Hello, you dick! ["Don't call him that!" -Litigia] ["If you ever want to write another word for the goddesses, you'll take that back right now, you fucking whore!" --Carmexa]["Ladies, in the name of all that is goddess-like, all of you, shut the hell up!" -- Bitchavia] I'm mad at him, but he's cute. Oh, and turns out Meghan's spell worked, because Ben's got a mark on his forehead and he says it's because he tripped. Zoe asks when Felicity and Ben are getting married, because apparently they are still engaged, and they say they haven't talked about it for a while. How sad.

After dinner, the gang gets ready to leave and Felicity is trying hard to avoid Ben. Noel says he's going to walk home and Felicity offers to join him. I love Classic Ben, because he just gives her space and watches her leave. ["Like he has another choice?" --Carmexa]

Felicity arrives back at the loft and finds Ben waiting. Ben tells Felicity that he's sorry about Claire; it was a mistake, stupid, and he was simply reacting to the rocky situation that they were in. ["It sounded a lot like what Felicity told him about why she fucked Noel in 'The Storm.' In case you've forgotten, it didn't work for her back then." -Litigia] He told Claire it was over between them and he wasn't going to see her anymore. Felicity asks how long he's been seeing her, and he responds one month. This is when Felicity truly freaks out and basically sends her over the edge. Have I mentioned how much I hate the writers? ["Yes, but I haven't lately, so I will. I hate the writers." -Litigia]

Later that evening, Felicity and Meghan get stewed. I'm glad Felicity is drunk because she's in ultra-sulk mode and talks about how Ben hurt her and how if she had to do it over again she'd pick Noel. ["Huh? Why are you glad she's drunk? Because she wants to pick Noel? You're glad about that?" --Carmexa]["I was kind of glad she was toasted too, because it adds to the theory that Felicity never wants Noel if she's sober and in her right mind. She only ever thinks she wants Noel when she's feeling sorry for herself, and in this case it's fueled by cheap white wine so she's really, really not right in her head this time. I think it helps beat down those idiot Felicity-belongs-with-Noel supporters who can't let go of a freshman year fling that lasted all of five episodes."-- Bitchavia] -- She wishes she could go back to the night on the roof when she and Noel had lawn chair sex. That was her chance to do things right, she claims.["Yeah, and doing things right always starts with cheating on your boyfriend with a quickie on the roof of his building." -- Bitchavia] Meghan says she has a way of bringing Felicity back in time because Korsakoff has a time travel spell. She's like the modern-day Doc Brown from Back to the Future. ["But without the crazy hair and car with wing-doors. And Felicity is taller than Michael J. Fox." -- Bitchavia] Felicity stumbles to her room.

So Doc Brown whips up this spell while Felicity passes out. It's unclear whether Felicity is dreaming at this point or if the spell actually kicks in. Either way, she wakes up on the roof with Noel, and thank God for small miracles, they are not mid-coitus. ["Small miracles?" -Litigia] The deed is done and Felicity is all, "Noel? How did we get up here?" Noel explains that he was on the roof and she came up to talk. Everything is real-time to Noel but not to Felicity. Then, this is great, Felicity says, "Did we…um…?" and Noel says, "I'm pretty sure." Sing with me, folks… "Isn't it romantic!" Fine, I know Felicity is just confused, but I think it's funny. Felicity completely wigs out about how Noel is supposed to be marrying Zoe. Of course Noel is clueless, but this time it's understandable. She puts her clothes back on and walks downstairs.

Back at the loft, Felicity is getting ready to leave when Ben walks in and apologizes for the fight they had over the printer. This is the fight that they had back in the The Declaration episode, so obviously Ben is also unaware of the time travel. You know, the more I think about it the more I realize that Felicity is a pain in my ass, because I get mad at her all over again for cheating on Ben. I'm still mad at Contrived Ben, mind you, but I just feel sorry for Classic Ben. ["If he's 'Contrived Ben,' then you should realize that it's obviously not his fault, and that the writers manipulated him into a contortion of his former self as a catalyst for the time warp. And his head should be shaved here, but it isn't." --Carmexa]

Enter Noel, just as sweaty as he was in The Declaration. For gross. Felicity is freaked out, naturally, so she heads back to her dorm to find Meghan.

She wakes Meghan up and tells her a spell was cast upon her and that she's back in time, blah blah. Meghan is confused, and believes Felicity is on dope or is deranged. Elena walks in. See, Elena's still alive because it's the past, ya know? Felicity is super excited to see Elena and hugs her. Elena says she's getting married in two days and walks off. What cracks me sideways is the fact that the writers had to reverse time in order to find something for Elena to do, only she's still only on this episode for 30 seconds. I think that long-haired extra from A Perfect Match got more airtime. Did Tangi Miller piss someone off? I heard she's kind of bitchy and arrogant in real life anyway, so it's not like I care. A panicked Felicity tells Meghan that she wants to be with Noel and that she's going to tell Ben what happened.["I don't know about bitchy, but judging from her press, she'd go to the opening of an envelope, so she's kept busy that way. And she's on some other show on A&E or Bravo or something right now, so maybe she was unavailable for filming. Not that it's any big loss, because she's been a non-factor all season, and I always fast-forwarded through all her scenes anyway, so this saves me time." -- Bitchavia]

Back at the dorm, Noel shows up to see how Felicity's doing. He notices that big-ass hickey he gave her. Felicity says she's going to tell Ben what happened because she knows it's for the best and that Ben would find out eventually. ["Felicity is acting like a madwoman. She thinks she knows how everything is going to turn out and so, she's just racing through the day, trying to get to where she thinks she'll end up. Keri Russell is doing some knockout work here, folks. Pure comedy gold." -Litigia]

Felicity goes to the loft to talk to Ben but he's not there, again, some plot as in The Declaration. Felicity starts writing him a note, and hears some chick named Janet leave a message on the machine saying she misses Ben, and Felicity freaks out once again. Back in The Declaration, Ben explained that Janet was just a girl he met in his EMT training class, and although she put the moves on Ben, he rejected her because he said he was in love with Felicity. Course, this time Felicity is so pissed about Claire that she doesn't trust Ben anymore and gets mad about Janet all over again.

Felicity finds Ben at Epstein bar, marches in, and proclaims, "I slept with Noel." Ben is stunned. The reason she did it, she says, is because Ben wasn't there for her when she needed him, and she doesn't feel bad about it because of Claire. Mind you Felicity doesn't say she did the deed with Noel because she loves him, but rather because she was feeling pathetic and lonely. That is key, don't you think? Anyway, Ben has no idea who Claire is, and Felicity says "Fine, Janet, whatever. There are so many…" which is a bull-face lie ["Isn't it bald-faced?" -Litigia] ["Yes." --Carmexa], but Felicity is just completely whacked. Ben once again explains that Janet is just a friend, and Felicity says she doesn't believe him anymore. She wants to be with Noel because she thinks it's for the best, and Ben says he thinks it's crazy. ["Because it is." -- Carmexa] Felicity tells Ben that he broke her heart but Ben wouldn't understand why (because of Claire, only Ben can't understand this at this point). She breaks up with him, and Ben leaves. Felicity looks sad when he leaves ["She actually lets out an audible gasp, like what she did really hurt. That's a good sign, I suppose." -Litigia] ["Take what you can fripping get." --Carmexa], and we hear her voiceover to Sally where she says she feels bad about hurting Ben, but has to keep reminding herself about Claire.[So, it's okay for her to feel lonely and snubbed and run to someone else, and then be forgiven -- because we must remember, even if she doesn't, that Ben did forgive her when she begged to get back together -- but she can't spare an ounce of the same consideration for Ben. Bizarro Felicity has a really selective memory." -- Bitchavia]

Felicity goes to visit Noel, and says she told Ben what happened. She tells him that she wants to be with Noel and that she's over Ben. ["Again, Keri is playing Felicity as a maniac here. She reminds me of how Felicity was in 'Gimme an O' when she wanted to just get sex with Noel over with. You have to see it to appreciate how funny it is. I think Keri is having a lot of fun." -Litigia] However, Noel doesn't seem to believe her because he reminds Felicity that all she did over the summer was talk about Ben. Hee! I love it! They make a coffee date and Noel kisses her on the cheek. She looks a bit uncomfortable. ["Wouldn't you? I think Keri's having fun with the whole thing, too, but at points like these, you know she's got to be thinking, 'I let them do this whole storyline, why? Before, I got to make out with my Scottie…now, I'm stuck with THIS. Jesus.' Well, that's what I'd be thinking, anyway." --Carmexa]

At Dean and Deluca, Ben tells Felicity that he doesn't want to break up. He's not excusing what she did, but he thinks maybe they can work through it. Whoops, Felicity didn't expect Ben to be so damn forgiving, now did she? ["I also can't help but wonder if Felicity thinks, at this moment, that if she had only confessed what she did originally, they never would have broken up and there never would have been a tryst with Lauren or a baby. For Ben, it's never the original sin, it's always the cover up that gets him." -Litigia] Ben apologizes, saying he knows he wasn't there for her all summer ["Even though Felicity is the one who told him to go!" -Litigia] and that the last thing he ever wanted to do was break her heart. Felicity says she doesn't think it will work out, and a completely heartbroken Ben leaves. ["Felicity's not looking too swell herself." --Carmexa]

This totally hurts, Felicity whines to Pavone. Duh. You dork. I really think Felicity believed it would be easier to break up with Ben. I suppose she figured he'd be so pissed that she wouldn't be breaking his heart, but she was wrong. Pavone reminds her that she should do what she wants. Felicity says, but Noel's in the drawer! You keep talking about the drawer! Great, I knew that damn drawer thing wouldn't die. Pavone has no idea what Felicity is talking about, however, and again reminds her that it's inevitable that she's going to hurt Ben.

During Felicity and Noel's first date, Noel questions whether they should become a couple. He's worried that it might ruin their friendship. The whole romance thing didn't feel right, he says, and it seems too fast. No kidding. Hee, I love it that Noel is actually rejecting Felicity. ["Felicity is totally stunned. So much for knowing how everything is going to turn out." -Litigia]

Felicity and Noel show up to Tracy and Elena's rehearsal dinner, only to realize the whole wedding was called off. Apparently Tracy and Elena got into a fight over Felicity and Noel's situation, and Elena canceled everything. ["Elena, cheating whore that she is, defended Felicity to Tracy. Tracy, poor guy who Elena fucked around on, has a problem with that. Elena, because she's a bitch, feels this is a reason to call off the wedding." -Litigia] ["I don't think that was the whole reason why. Didn't you see this storyline the first time around? They both had quite a few reservations to start out with." -Carmexa] Sean walks into the room commenting on how wasted Ben is, so Felicity goes to check on him. Felicity is stunned to find him lying in bed, miserable. ["But shirtless! Yum!" -Litigia] ["Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" --Carmexa] She asks if she can get him anything and he says no. He says he can't do the "stupid pre-med thing" because he studied for a test and still failed. ["Well, first he says that he can't do 'this.' Felicity starts to apologize and tell him that she and Noel aren't even together, but Ben interrupts her to say he's not upset about her and Noel, but about his pre-med failures." -Litigia] Felicity's confused, knowing that Ben kicked ass in pre-med a year ago. ["I don't think she's confused. She knows he started off rocky the first time. I think she's just upset because she's starting to realize how her decision is affecting everyone around her, for the worse." -Litigia] ["And because she knows that one of the reasons he managed to do so well in pre-med was because of her encouragement. And where's that gonna be now? Huh?" --Carmexa] She encourages him to keep trying because she knows he can do it. By the way Ben looks it doesn't seem as if he's as convinced. Felicity looks down at Ben, worried and bewildered. ["But she still walks away from him. Naked, beautiful, upset him. The willpower on that girl is truly incredible." --Carmexa]

After seeing Ben in such turmoil, Felicity goes back to Doc Brown and is all "Undo me! Undo me! I've created a monster!" only Doc doesn't have the plutonium required to get Felicity back to the future, since Korsakoff hasn't even published the spell book yet and Doc still doesn't know what the hell Felicity is talking about. Meghan says maybe Felicity should see a shrink, because she's honestly worried about Felicity. Felicity says never mind -- maybe she's just has the flu and it's affecting her brain -- and leaves.

Now we're back at the beginning scene where Felicity is making the tape to Sally, and Noel enters her room. ["Okay, major continuity problem here! Felicity started this tape to Sally and then proceeded to fill us in on everything. Now, she barely gets started and Noel walks in and interrupts her. It's hard enough to keep track of all this time travel past/present/alternate past/alternate present stuff without these glaring continuity mistakes, people!" -Litigia] ["It was a mistake, yeah. But it wasn't really confusing at all, unless you start to over-analyze it the way you just did." --Carmexa] Noel says he was just scared of losing Felicity as a friend, and Felicity says that won't happen. Wonder if that's foreshadowing? ["I don't think so. It's not like Noel said, 'I was just worried that if we got together, I would die in a fire.' THAT would be foreshadowing. Oh, did I spoil that for you? Sorry." --Carmexa] Felicity and Noel start kissing on the bed. I would have been upset but instead I snicker because the kiss sucks ass. I only watched it once but that's enough to remember that Keri sort of kisses his upper lip and pretends to get all into it. Looks to me like Felicity's trying desperately to wipe Ben out of her mind. Wonder how that's going for her. So, Aunt Felicity pecks her nephew Noel and I keep chanting, "Don't fall back, don't fall back," and since no one in the world listens to me but my dog, they fall back on to the bed. I guess they are going to have sex. Eww. How incestuous. This is the time that I wish I had Meghan's spell book because I would have cursed Noel to trip and sprain his groin. ["What groin?" --Carmexa]

Oh, but I forgot, poor Noel. Fifteen percent of viewers are happy for the poor boy that never gets a break, so fine. Bring it on. There are many high school girls out there who didn't get to finish their Social Studies assignment because they were so damn giddy that Noel got the girl. Well, the warped reality girl in a one-dimensional world. The messed up girl who's tripping over herself to avoid being hurt by Ben in the future. Good luck with all that.

I'm actually excited for next week because it looks like Hanna's gonna come back into the picture, and Felicity gets all pissed off. ["Plus, Ben and Felicity: together again. Except this time, they're studying together…for chemistry. Haha, what a clever entendre. But again, take whatever you can get." --Carmexa] I couldn't be happier that the Alias chick is back to mess things up, and I don't feel bad for Felicity at all. She's all whiny and screaming "Not again!" Bwah! That'll learn Felicity: Noel is not safe! Or perfect. Or really anything but a throbbing pain in my right temple. For now, I'm actually enjoying the ride. Did I just say that? Who knows -- I could be dreaming.