My Best Friend's Wedding -- I object! (Can I object?)

Episode 402: My Best Friend's Wedding
It's just like watching it on TV, except without, y'know, the motion
by Dyslexia

How did I get assigned this episode? Did I draw the short straw? Oh well, at least it wasn't like playing Russian Roulette, like some popular fictional character we love but don't always understand…

Felicity's First Mistake
The episode begins with Felicity and Noel waking up on the rooftop, naked. Thank God for the censors that be; we actually don't see Noel naked. ["That flash of skin was enough. These last two episodes have been hell for my digestive tract." --Carmexa] Nevertheless I am certain that gasping emanated throughout the nation (well, at least a 3 share of it, anyway (not sure what the exact ratings were)). For the past week I had been hoping that by some grace of divinity Felicity and Noel didn't have sex. Between my naivete and my not being able to rationalize why the great writers of the show would make such a contrived plot decision, I was hoping for the best. ["That'll learn ya." --Carmexa]

But alas the preferable scenario was not to be: Felicity jumps up from her reclined position on that rooftop, wide-eyed with a look of sheer terror [and probably the webbing print of a lawn chair on her back - Bitchavia], and starts to get dressed. Noel tells her "Everything's gonna be OK." How does the loathsome mimbo figure? She replies "Honestly, I don't think it is." Well now Felicity's starting to use common sense. Where was it 10 minutes ago (give or take 30 seconds) when they "commenced"? ["I think ten minutes is giving Noel a little two much credit. Your mention of 30 seconds is probably closer to the actual, icky truth." --Carmexa] ["Word." -Litigia] She asks Noel to wait five minutes before he goes back down to the loft. Wow. What quick thinking for a girl who has never done this before.

Felicity quietly tiptoes off the elevator and I can't help but mutter "Tramp, tramp"… I feel bad that I think this of Felicity, but I can't respect her. What was she thinking? She is confused and has one fight with Ben and has sex with someone else on the roof? Wasn't it cold up there? [Did she just want to find out how sturdy the lawn chair was? - Bitchavia] How did Noel even manage to…never mind. It will never make sense.

So Felicity sneaks off the elevator and grabs her bag, hoping to exit the loft without any commotion. Are you kidding me? This is a TV show! I knew Ben would show up, and voila! He's there equipped with pizza and an apologetic smile that makes me want to bust onto the set, knock Felicity over, and kidnap Ben in hopes of protecting him from getting hurt. I can barely stand hearing him apologize to her, saying that he shouldn't have freaked out on her just because his school year was going to be difficult. ["God, I never thought I'd say this, but it's really hard watching him be so perfect. I hope his girlfriend--ugh--feels the same way." --Carmexa]

Is an episode of Felicity complete without Noel butting in on Felicity and Ben? Surely not, for Tramp #2 comes down the elevator, pretending to be surprised to see Felicity there. He's got this sort of smug glow thing going on that makes me grateful I had a light dinner. Oh, and that request to wait five minutes before coming downstairs wasn't fulfilled; Noel waited a good 74 seconds ["Didn't think it was even that long." --Carmexa] and deemed that sufficient. Cranium, next time you have sex with someone in a thrown-together cheap fashion, remember: one-onethousand, two-onethousand, and continue until you get to 300. ["Better yet, just jump off the damn roof afterwards and save everyone the trouble." -Litigia]

Felicity's Second Mistake
Noel leaves Felicity and Ben alone and Ben asks Felicity if she wants to eat some food and talk. Wow, so the funny thing is, if she didn't have sex with Noel she would have been able to sort through her confusion with the man she loves. How's that for poor judgment? Felicity tells Ben she needs to go home because she's not feeling well - she's tired and needs to get some sleep. Translation: "What I just said to you is merely the beginning of a series of lies. The reality, my perfect boyfriend of whom I am not worthy, is that I need to go home and take a scalding shower." She leaves and pauses in the hallway, seemingly pondering whether she should tell Ben. Um…yes? Apparently it's not that simple, and she leaves. I guess ghastly blunders come in pairs.

Hickeys: They're Not Just for Seventh-Graders Anymore
In the next scene we see Felicity in bed, obviously feeling horrible and likely nauseous. In walks Tracey and Elena who ask her to be the minister at their wedding. Did you know you can get ordained online? ["Actually I did, because they already did this plotline on Friends last year." -Litigia] [Yes, I knew. I got that offer in my e-mail. Is anyone getting married, because I could be licensed by nightfall and be all yours and ready for service - Bitchavia].Interestingly, with all the religious ties Tracey has, you'd think he'd have at least a dozen back-up ministers accessible with just a few taps of his Palm Pilot, but if that were true, we wouldn't have the drama. Or the irony. ["Or the contrivance. Or the crappiness." --Carmexa] Elena and Tracey feel Felicity would be perfect to perform the ceremony, given she has such strong feelings toward love and fidelity. What's an innocent, level-headed girl like Felicity to do but agree? Elena hugs her and notices a big fat hickey on her neck. Uh oh.

Favors and Bad Advice
Sean and Javier are planning Tracey and Elena's wedding. Sean's got this wacky party favor idea of a condom that plays wedding music. ["It wasn't just any wedding music. It was "Here Comes The Bride" which is just gross if you have a dirty mind like I do. Heh, that reminds me of the scene last year when Felicity told Ben she 'really wanted [him] to come.' She was talking about a party, but I could see Scott suppressing a laugh, so I think he got the same joke I did. How's that for a major digression?" -Litigia] Javier is freaking out because he didn't budget for Elena and Tracy's rehearsal dinner. Ben pipes in, "Well, that was smart." How I love this boy's humor and sarcasm. Javier's reply is obviously pure improv, and it's gold; he says something like, "Thank you very much GI Joe Kung Fu grip boy looky." I seriously love Ian Gomez. ["So does Speedy. He giggles like the little school girl I am every time Mr. Gomez comes up with one of those nonsensical one-liners." --Carmexa] I'll bet the directors just tell Ian to show up and say funny things. There is no way you can write for this man, he's too hilarious on his own.

Sean and Meghan argue about Tracy. Meghan thinks she can get Tracy to kiss her on the lips. Is this third grade? So they bet, and I figure the writers are just setting up yet another Sean and Meghan fight. Blah blah.

Tracy wants to have sex. I love Tracy ["Even though he's a Christian-y Christian, I would marry Tracy in a heartbeat...and um, if he wasn't a fictional character." --Carmexa] [But you'd have to get rid of your glowing Jesus nightlight or whatever you have. And besides aren't you supposed to be marrying someone else. Eh-hem! - Bitchavia] "Unfortunately, I don't yet own the night light. But I do have an action figure! Gliding action! All Jesus' toes are the same length! As for my comment about marrying Tracy, strike it from the record. I was momentarily distracted by the rush of caffeine to my brain. Come back to me, my sweet JC! Ahem." --Carmexa] ["If I could not get Ben, I would totally marry Tracy." -Litigia], but I know he's leaving the show, so I don't care. Luckily Scrubs rocks so I can get my Donald fix on another network. That show cracks me up.

But what's not funny at all is what Tracy described as that "big-ass hickey." [No kidding. Does Noel have a hinged mouth or something that allows him to open that wide? It looks like Felicity lost a fight with the biggest accessory on the Electrolux Super Deluxe Vacuum Set. - Bitchavia] Now there's a visual reminder of that pathetic night on the rooftop. The next scene cuts to Noel pointing to Felicity's neck asking "Did I do that?" which really only adds to the cheapness of this hellacious event. He brings this box of emergency hickey removal products. Where the hell does he find this stuff? ["Hey, he should give that business idea to Sean! Hickey removal packets-five bucks!" -Litigia] Did he whip it out (sorry, bad visual) ["EWWW! Why did you do that!??!" --Carmexa] just as fast as that lame-ass break-up kit? I find it curious and quite foul that Noel just had this box of magic hickey remedies. It was as if he had been prepared for this sort of thing. Felicity whines because none of the remedies are working. I couldn't be more annoyed with her. Now she's bitching. What did she expect? She tells Noel, "How did this happen? I love Ben." ["I could tell her how it happened but that would just turn into a long rant that I know nobody wants to read right now." -Litigia] Good girl. Remember that. She wonders if she should tell Ben, and Noel says he doesn't think it's a good idea. ["Yeah, because he's just chock full o' good ideas lately." --Carmexa]

Felicity visits good old Dr. Stinky. She's hiding her hickey behind a turtleneck but is visibly guilty. "I know this stuff happens … people do this stuff all the time," she stumbles, trying to make herself seem redeemable. It isn't working. What "stuff" do people do all the time? Sleep with their loser friend when they feel sorry for themselves? Pavone says she thinks there might be something "in the drawer" and Felicity needs to find out what's inside. Great, I know what Pavone is getting at and I'm not liking it.

Let's Revisit the Good Versus Evil Dichotomy

Remember Richard? He's back and still as nerdy as ever. He and Noel are getting music ready for the wedding. Richard notices Noel is preoccupied and soon realizes Noel "got some." Quite a perceptive fellow for a man who only got it on once with the woman that Noel stalked for a few weeks. Noel lies and says the woman's name is Sandy and she works at a nearby pizza joint.

The gang is getting ready for the rehearsal and Felicity peeks into Ben's bedroom. She is feeling vile and I'm feeling more horrible that Ben isn't shirtless. ["Just close your eyes and pretend. Ahhh." --Carmexa] I need some beautiful distraction and I can't get the visual of Noel's bare chest out of my head. Ben asks Felicity what's wrong and is amazingly perceptive. "It looks like you're about to cry." Does it make sense to say that he is more perfect than perfection? ["Yes." --Carmexa] I love this boy. Felicity has to be about ready to drop from guilt at this point. Ben tells her to "c'mere" and closes the door to his room. She tells Ben she feels like everything is changing and at any moment it could all disappear. Basically it's her discreet way of saying she's afraid of losing the love of her life. She should be. My heart sinks thinking of the moment Ben will find out she cheated on him.

Speaking of cheaters, it's time for Buttinsky to knock on the door again. He says Felicity is needed at the rehearsal. That's all fine and semi-annoying, but the trollop has the nerve to ask Felicity if she's OK. That question irritates me not only because Noel should know that Ben is obviously competent and in tune with Felicity's feelings, but also because Noel is a possessive wench. ["Yeah, and because Noel should realize that Felicity is most likely NOT okay, and that he's the reason for that. But he's a giant selfish moron. So I don't expect much." --Carmexa] ["The idea that Felicity needs Noel to make her all better when she has Ben, the most perfect man in the world, there trying to help her, is about the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard of." -Litigia]

Later Ben asks Noel if he knows what's going on with Felicity. Noel does what he does best and lies. Wait, I think he actually whines better than he lies; it's a toss-up. ["Don't forget how good he is at acting like a self-righteous asshole." -Litigia] [And he's pretty good at feeling sorry for himself too, so he's actually multi-talented. - Bitchavia]

Meghan tries to kiss Tracy. It's actually a pretty funny scene, but she fails miserably. It will be sad to see Tracy go.

So Felicity's off to visit a few ministers and other sources of inspiration in preparation for her officiating Tracy and Elena's wedding. She stops to see Ben on her way, only he's not there. As she's writing a note to Ben the phone rings and some chick named Janet leaves a message for Ben on the answering machine. You can totally tell she's hot for Ben (who could blame her?) saying she missed him and she drove by their hotel. Felicity is caught off-guard.

Noel meets Felicity outside her dorm room and gives her the low-down on "their story." Yep. They have a "story." Lovely. That's got disaster written all over it. She's pissed about Ben's potential fling with Janet, even though she says she has no right to be. Felicity rips off her "I'm trying to hide my whorishness" ["It's not working, schmookims." --Carmexa] turtleneck sweater and grumbles, "I feel like I'm suffocating in these things…" This is the moment I hate Felicity the most. Now she's complaining about feeling suffocated? As if the horrible asp attached to Noel's face invaded her without warning her of its consequences?

Noel "I-have-a-forced-parallel-for-everything" Cranium tries throwing in this dreadful kite analogy to attempt to put the whole situation into perspective. Huh? Knoll, why don't you go fly a kite? ["Yeah, like in Afghanistan or something." -Litiga] Can someone please write this man a storyline? He's loathsome. Then he tells Felicity, "if you want to tell Ben what happened, do not worry about me. I'll be fine." Reference my earlier comment about being grateful about the light dinner. However, dry heaves are no picnic.

Richard comes in and tells Noel he tried to find "Sandy" ["God, through this entire episode, I couldn't get John Travolta's voice out of my head. And that's just wrong." --Carmexa] ["Stranded at the drive-in; Branded a fool; What will they say; Monday at school? Oh, Saaaaandy, baaaaayaaybeee…-- Bitchavia] [--"NOOOOOOOO!!!" --Carmexa],and she doesn't work for the pizza shop that Noel indicated. Why does Richard care so much about Noel's personal affairs? Will those two just kiss and get it over with? He notices Felicity's scarlet letter (in this case, it's a hideous 'O') and immediately figures it out: "You're Sandy!" Felicity is appalled, and Richard's response couldn't be more accurate, "Hey, listen, missy, don't do the crime if you can't do the time."

Felicity's Third (or 18th) Mistake: Who's Counting at This Point?
The next scene is Felicity and Ben at Epstein. I brace myself, knowing she's about to break up with him, the coward. She asks Ben about Janet ["For me, this was the moment I most hated Felicity. She wanted Ben to say that he'd screwed around on her. Then, in her mind, the playing field would be even, and she could go on her merry way, guilt free. Bitch." --Carmexa] and he begins to offer an explanation and she cuts him off. She does this because she knows Ben is perfect and has a reasonable explanation. He says Janet was a girl in his class, and one night they got hotel rooms to study and Janet made the moves on Ben (who could blame her?) but he cut her off. He told her he had a girlfriend that he loves and wasn't interested. Hmmm….how's that for guilt, ya floozy? This is the turning point. He knows Felicity's having a hard time because she has no direction and he does. Noting that they've "switched places," he can offer insight because he's been there. But what sucks is Felicity's already screwed Noel, so all she can do is let the guilt encompass her. I'm feeling extremely resentful of the storyline at this point. It was all so forced and contrived. When Ben asks, "What can I do to help?" ["Oh God! And when he said, 'I'll do anything. What can I do?' I seriously wanted to cry." -Litigia] I about fall over. Much … too … sweet … can't … focus …

Felicity takes a seat in the vehicle of my emotional overdrive. Ben's sweetness and complete flawlessness pushes her over the edge. What would be the most cowardly thing to do at this point, she wonders, and then she does it. ["I agree. It was a wimpy thing to do. Total pansy. But indirectly, I like to think that she was trying to save Ben a little bit of pain. Maybe. La la la..." --Carmexa] She breaks up with him. She says she thinks they need to spend time apart, all the while never looking at Ben. The poor boy. He has no clue, he feels so confused and hurt, and all we can do is watch her walk away and him sit quietly. ["And so on top of cheating on him, she now makes him feel like his finally finding direction in his life has led the person he loves the most to leave him. How nice." -Litigia]

The next scene is Richard and Noel. Richard considers Noel noble for keeping his secret inside. Blah blah. In walks Ben, visibly upset. Pizza for President leaves and Ben offers Noel a beer, saying he and Felicity broke up. You'd think the guilt would be eating Noel at this point, but either the writers aren't asking for it or Foley's a putrid actor. ["Or BOTH!" --Carmexa] ["Noel actually said he was sorry and then Ben gave him the look of death. But then, because he is perfect, he still offered him a beer." -Litigia]

Elena "disinvites" Meghan to the wedding on account of her trying to suck the venom out of Tracy's lips. Meghan tells Elena that she's marrying Mr. Scrubs only for sex. Elena ponders. Moving on…

Audiences across the world groan again at the site of Felicity confiding in Noel. What the hell? Now she's wearing a green turtleneck sweater. ["That sweater was uugggllly. Down with mock turtlenecks!" --Carmexa] [Mock turtlenecks are a neckline for the noncommittal. Felicity is subconsciously expressing her inability to commit to a guy. Next thing you know, she'll get a mullet. - Bitchavia]. How many turtlenecks does this girl own? Obviously she has an emergency supply of hickey apparel cover-ups as readily available as Noel's worthless hickey serum. The other option would be to not cheat on your perfect boyfriend. ["But then we wouldn't have the drama!" -Litigia] Or screw your friend in a moment of self-pity.

The Only Drawers I Care About Are Ben's
Or you could hope for forgiveness, as Felicity is apparently shooting for. Come on, Ben is god-like but not all-forgiving. The greedy tramp. Elena's aunt and uncle tell Felicity that forgiveness is an amazing part of marriage, and "the heart gets stronger the more you use it." She's relieved to hear these words of wisdom.

Forgiveness may not solve all her problems, she later tells Pavone. If Ben forgave her she'd still feel terrible. Dr. Yale brings up the drawer again. How annoying. Who cares what's in the drawer? Can we slam it shut? I mean, it's bad enough that we never found out what was in Meghan's box, now we have to reintroduce some other mystery storage area? Felicity asks, "Who's in the drawer?" and Pavone raises an eyebrow. "So, it's a who?" Felicity sighs. Pavone says Felicity chose Noel for a reason. Then Pavone tells Felicity that she wants to be with Ben, but she also wants to be with Noel. Jesus, Mary, and San Jose. I hate this.

Here's what the writers are doing: they are reverting to the original premise of the show, trying to make Noel more "attainable" and Ben more out of her league. I resent this. It's forced and phony because the highers-that-be never anticipated that viewers would have such a strong and immediate liking toward Felicity and Ben as a couple. Their chemistry is astounding; we never saw this with Felicity and Noel. JJ and/or Matt: call us. We'll discuss.

Will They "Survive"?
At the wedding, Felicity paces nervously outside of the chapel. Fortunately Hester Pryne was able to rid herself of that scarlet O just in time to wear a collar-less ["And ugly. --Carmexa] suit. What great timing. It doesn't appear that the guilt she still reveals can be wiped away with some of Noel's cucumber remedy. She's obviously miserable, and I hate to say it, but I'm glad.

Surprise, surprise, Elena and Tracy decide not to get married. Tracy says it would be for the wrong reasons. But guess who else gets married? Sean and Meghan. This sudden wedding irks me because it decreases the possibility of Felicity and Ben getting married in Season 4. So sue me, I'm unrealistic. Call it a defense mechanism.

Felicity weds Goth Chick and Gadget Boy. Ben gives her a penetrating look that pierces the hearts of viewers everywhere. It's all so unfair. Later at the dance Felicity and Ben exchange longing stares, Ben's is filled with hurt and confusion, and Felicity's is filled with complete regret and sadness.