101) Never open canisters, especially not if they're government owned.
102) Stimulating glands that were not meant to be stimulated is a *real* bad idea.
103) Never meddle in God's domain.
104) Learn as early as possible that Man is a feeling creature, and therefore the greatest in the universe.
105) If you catch snatches of the theme song, you know the bad thing is close by.
106) If your car breaks down in the woods, take the time to walk the extra 5 miles into town.
107) Make sure what you use to kill the nasty things is a poison, and not a stimulant of any kind.
108) If you're gonna go out, don't do it quietly. Take out those annoying friends of yours with you.
109) Don't work the night shift.
110) Never fool yourself into believing you're powerful enough to contain anything you summoned.
111) Under no circumstances remove any unusual item from glaciers or large blocks of ice (i.e.. flying saucers, Frankenstein's monster, Dracula, the wolfman, etc. ...)
112) If you do remove something unusual from the ice, do not let it thaw. (Specifically, do not throw an electric blanket over the ice, do not bleed on the ice, and do not let the freezer's power go out.)
113) If you do entomb a monster in ice (Godzilla, the blob, etc.) make sure that the monster's location is not well known. (Sightseers have an annoying habit of bringing electric blankets, bleeding on ice, or detonating A-bombs.)
114) If an iceberg appears to be radioactive, do not crash your submarine into it.
115) Don't explode A-bombs in the Arctic, South Sea atolls, or deep beneath the ocean. These locations are thickly inhabited with survivors from the prehistoric past. (Not to mention the blob, giant octopi, etc.)
116) Don't explode A-bombs in the desert, which are full of many insect species just waiting for their chance to mutate into gigantic forms. As a corollary, don't store sugar or picnic foods anywhere near a desert which has been the site of an A-bomb test.
117) Don't explode A-bombs near men or women. They may grow to a gigantic size and battle casino signs in Las Vegas.
118) Don't submerge yourself in a bathyscaph and search for prehistoric monsters under the ocean. You may as well just drive a giant fish hook through your body and get someone to troll with you.
119) Don't visit backwoods regions of the United States, especially those regions filled with quaint people with colorful names like Leatherface or Pumpkinhead.
120) Stay on the Interstate.
121) Never EVER eat the dead monster's heart.
122) If your parents killed a serial killer before you were born, chances are the serial killer will come back from the dead to kill you.
123) If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone.
124) If a maniac or monster or zombie is trying to get into your house, don't decide to try and find your lost cat or dog. Give it up, Fido and Fluffy are dead already.
125) Also, any military containers that accidentally get mailed to you should be sent right back. And never, ever hit a container to test how strong it is.
126) If you are walking in the woods and you heard a choo choo kill kill sound, I suggest you start running.
127) Whenever someone warns you not to go up, down, under or over there, whatever you do, don't go! (They're only trying to save you from a most certain and Horrible death)
128) Do not, under *any* circumstances, ever go skinny dipping, especially at night.
129) Always carry several guns and lots of hollow point bullets. Shoot everything. All the time. Don't even wait.
130) If you can avoid it, try not to swim in lakes or natural bodies of water. If you swim in a pool, you can see what's under the water. Also, don't swim at night, especially when alone.
131) If you’re female and you just found any of your friends dead by any means it's probably not the time to get naked and take a shower.
132) If your really must run screaming through the woods, remember to dress for it. Jeans and sneakers always beat a filmy nightgown and high heels.
133) When the bad guy stops to tell you what he is going to do to you, that's when you RUN AWAY!!
134) Don't mess with objects that you have NO earthly idea what they are. They will either conjure up the evil creature, or teleport you to alternate worlds.
135) Don't take food or drink from any strangers or new people in town.
136) Don't volunteer to be scanned!
137) Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.
138) Don't get locked in any building or business after hours.
139) Don't accept sexual advances of ANYONE who never knew or liked you previously.
140) Take back TV's that breathe, or in which you see yourself doing vile things on the program.
141) If you have any odd scars, wounds, tattoos, or other irritations on your body---you are a goner!!!!!
142) You will not be saved by the god Plutonium! In fact, YOU WILL NOT BE SAVED!!
143) Breaking mirrors usually makes a difference in horror movies.
144) If you share a last name with the killer, creature, demon, or other nasty, make darn sure its a coincidence. Otherwise, get a new identity. In any case, you will probably become it's new incarnation.
145) NEVER go back for anything you lost, anywhere.
146) Never tease anyone. They either gain extraordinary powers, or go psycho.
147) All myths and legends have a basis in fact...
148) If you know a planet is inhabited with thousands of acid bleeding creatures, it is generally not a good idea to go to that planet and try to bring back one of the creatures. You can't.
149) On the off chance you decide to disobey the above rule, and your tracking device says the acid bleeding creatures are moving towards you, immediately point your gun at the ceiling and fire. Try not to look directly up...
150) If you are an obnoxious character, who will go on to get a "Seinfeld-type" sitcom, never run away from the group and lock the doors behind you.
151) Never climb a fence with barbed wire at the top to go skinny dipping in an unusual, mysterious, government-owned body of water. Especially if there are rumors about government "happenings" circulating.
152) If you are home alone and hear a noise coming from another room or outside your window, don't assume it's just the house settling or the wind.
153) If you send your husband down to check out a mysterious sound and he doesn't return within five minutes, don't go downstairs. He's probably already dead.
154) If you value your life, stay a virgin.
155) Crosses NEVER work on demonic beings.
156) Never try to kill a monster the same way it was done before. (This must cause something real, real bad because no one ever tries it.)
157) If you feel funny and start to grow hair, shoot yourself in the head with a silverbullet - AT ONCE!
158) When you walk into a room / house etc., ALWAYS at least TRY to switch the lights on.
159) When you walk into a room / house etc., NEVER even TRY turning on the lights, dress in black and be quiet.
160) All in all, stay in the light, inside a well-boarded up house forever surrounded by people and do not make yourself vulnerable in any way possible (by getting naked, allowing yourself to be left alone, etc.)
161) Cigarette lighters are always handy things to have on you.
162) Don't bother telling another character to "Stay in the car." They won't anyway, and will end up saving you.
163) Do not visit Prom Queen's grave, better to remember her the way that she was.
164) Do not allow children to watch television, read old books or play with puzzle boxes or dolls unsupervised.
165) Do not move into a fully automated computer controlled house. Unless you’re Bill Gates.
166) Do not allow a computer the ability to lock doors.
167) Don't eat food supplements, health food or yogurt. Its not as good for you as you think.
168) When scientists start saying they have made a breakthrough in Gene splicing. Pull the plug on the project or resign as CEO of Corporation.
169) Avoid men in black.
170) Avoid men with pointy teeth.
171) Avoid people with lots of facial hair.
172) Avoid people with pale complexions who moan and sway.
173) Don't associate yourself with people who have access to virgins blood and speak in Latin.
174) When Granny starts frothing at the mouth it's time to send her to the retirement home.
175) If little Billy says that Aliens have landed in the back garden don't play in the sand pit.
176) It's generally not a good idea to burn a guy with blades on his glove because he'll usually come after your children in their dreams.
177) A smart thing to do is to cancel your trip to see your aunt Bates and your cousin Norman at the Bates motel immediately.
178) If you manage to find a good bludgeon or any other good weapon, DO NOT throw it away after you use it. You WILL need it later.
179) NEVER ever pick up hitch hikers on deserted rural roads, especially if you live in Texas.
180) NEVER start crying/whining when the monster or villain has you cornered, it wastes precious time that you could use to fight back and the monster or villain does not really give a damn about your life anyway.
181) Never ask a vampire if he'd like to stay for dinner.
182) If you hear weird music start to play run like hell.
183) If you answer the phone and hear someone breathing heavy on the other end, never assume it is your boyfriend playing a trick on you. And never never, never, say "come on over, my parents are gone for the weekend."
184) The first thing to do when witnessing a satanic ritual in the middle of nowhere is to tell the wives; otherwise, they’re bound to yell out into the night, asking you where you are.
185) Always carry spare headlights in the RV. If you forgot them, find a city before dark. Never turn off down a nice looking dirt road.
186) When shark hunting, it is always a good idea to have any underwater power lines marked out on your map.
187) If you are a woman your chances of survival are much better if you are a good woman. To be a good woman you must:
A) Be a natural blond. Blondes with visible roots are the food of choice of 9 out of 10 aliens.
B) Be the daughter of a venerable and crusty
scientist, preferably the world's leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs. You can dramatically increase your chances of survival at this point by following in your father's footsteps and becoming the world's second best leading expert
on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs.
C) Refrain from wearing makeup, in particular red lipstick or nail polish. This is catnip to monsters.
D) If it is too late to become a virgin, become frigid and make sure people know about it. The no makeup thing can be a big help here.
E) Be in love with the bad scientist, at least for the first part of the movie BUT at all costs switch allegiances to the good scientist the second the bad scientist begins to mutate.
F) Wear a rip away blouse and learn to faint gracefully. You will be called on to do this a lot.
G) Hang around next to the bad woman a lot. It will make you look pure.
188) Bad women have only the slimmest hope for survival. Cast jealousy aside and buddy right up to the good woman. Be ready to squash the bad scientist like a bug the second his fortunes turn. Loyalty here is misplaced, he doesn't respect you anyway.
189) If you are from another planet and of royal blood, abdicate fast. Intergalactic Empresses almost always end up with a face full of acid and a bad attitude. Even the princesses end up as mind slaves to giant insects. This is especially true of royalty whose names end in a vowel. Change your name to Mary Lou and leave the planet.
190) Man or woman, if you have a kid brother with a cute name and freckles, lose him. Especially if he spends a lot of time looking at things through a telescope. Eventually he is going to go into the abandoned mine shaft and everybody is going to expect you to follow.
191) When your loved one is infected/assimilated/zombified/possessed or whatever and someone grabs your arm and says 'It's too late for her/him' BELIEVE THEM! Shoot the former human and get the hell away from there!
192) Always listen to the crazy man warning you something bad is going to happen, because he's probably right!
193) When on the way to camp, you stumble across an old man carrying eyeballs, and claiming he is a messenger from god, get back in the car and go back in the direction you came from.
194) If ANYONE says they are messenger from God, listen to them, because they usually are.
195) If you stumble across the body of a dead friend, do not go looking for the rest of your friends, because they're probably dead.
196) If you can find any of your friends, leave immediately.
197) When someone tells you not to look behind you, don't!
198) If you dream of a serial killer, do not attempt to combat him in your dream.
199) Never go mano-a-mano vs. any monster which lacks a discernible head or limbs, or can infect you with something.
200) Never be funnier than the main character.
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