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Index of Clean Jokes:
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. "Oh my", he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
... They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
Zack volunteered for military service during WWII. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeros. Then climbing up to 20,000 feet he found 10 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the Captain.
Saluting smartly, he said, "Well, Sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The Captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake."
In Passing:
[arizona_humor] Hallmark Rejects.
Cards Hallmark Doesn't Print
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat!
Sorry!
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder.
What the heck was I thinking?
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you ....I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life ...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ...
would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to get married ...
but not to you.
Happy birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time ...
what say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you ...
it's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
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