Harriet Goulder-Lerner in her book, Dance of Intimacy, suggests asking these questions of yourself before coming out to your parents.  Be as honest with yourself as possible when answering the questions.  It is important to feel comfortable with yourself and your answers before considering telling your parents or anyone else.

1. When did you start calling yourself gay or lesbian?  What did the word mean to you then?  And now?

2. What meanings do you think the words gay or lesbian has for each member of your family?

3. How long did it take you to accept your own gay or lesbian identity?
   

4. How long would it take family members to accept your sexual identity (more or less)?
   

5. Who in your family do you anticipate will have the strongest negative reaction to the news?
   

6. Who might accept your sexual identity most quickly?  Most slowly?
   

7. How do you think coming out will change your relationship with your family?
   

Coming out requires courage.  If you decide not to come out, it does not mean that you lack courage.  Only you will know when you are ready to deal with this issue.  Coming out is a long term process and telling your parents is just one step in that process.

Coming Out

The purpose of this booklet is to inform lesbians and gays about the process most parents go through when their child’s sexuality is revealed.  The approach and suggestions offered in this booklet are based on the assumption that you suspect one or both of your parents will be understanding, if not outwardly supportive, given adequate time.  This booklet may also be helpful if you have serious reservations about their ability to cope and you suspect that they might end their relationship with you.
Pink Triangle Community Services, located in Regina, offers a number of programs to help people of any age through the coming out process.  Through our phone line we offer support, peer counseling, and information about a number of events in the community, support groups, and organizations.
It is important to remember that each family and person is unique.  Most parents will probably go through the phases discussed here, however, it is important that both you and your parents leave room for individual differences.  Knowing what to anticipate and how to respond in a helpful way will help you to come out with some degree of knowledge and support.
When you come out to your parents, you may find that they will need to learn from your experience.  This may not be easy.  Chances are you’ll want them to understand and grasp this important part of your life right away.
You may become impatient.  You may need to repeat many of the same things.  Just because you’ve explained something once does not mean they have heard it or are ready to accept it.  Your parents’ understanding of you may evolve slowly – painfully slowly – at the beginning.  Their emotional reactions may be getting in the way of their intellectual understanding.  Just as you need time and space to come to terms with your sexuality, they too will need time to readjust to the new information which you have presented to them about yourself.  Although the issues your parents will work through are similar to those you’ve dealt with, the difference is that you are ahead of them in the process!  Try to be patient – it will be appreciated.
The stages people go through in coming to terms with your sexual identity are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Although these stages apply to most people, they are not guaranteed to play a role in your parents’ reactions.  Sometimes a stage occurs out of order, occasionally one is skipped.  Some people progress through the stages in months, others take years.  A few seem to make no progress at all.
Most parents don’t know what to expect or if they will like the "new you".  Those who experience the biggest shock when their child comes out are probably those suffering from the greatest feeling of loss and rejection.  Some parents believe that you have turned from them and don’t recognize how they may be distancing themselves from you.

I remember one morning when my son was fixing breakfast at the stove, as I sat at the kitchen table reading the newspaper.  I looked at him and wanted to say: "I don’t know who you are, but I wish you’d leave and send my son Ted back."
With understanding and patience from everyone the relationship may be restored.  In many cases, the relationship improves because it is based on mutual honesty, trust and respect.

Stages of Understanding

I.  Shock

Your parents may initially be shocked if they have no idea that you are gay or lesbian.  The shock may last anywhere from ten minutes to a week, but it usually wears off in a few days.  Shock is a natural reaction to stressful situations.
You may want to explain that you have not been able to be completely honest with them and that you do not like the distance that has come between you.
Affirm your love for them.  Say it more than once.  Although they may not respond positively at first, it may sink in during the hours when they are alone.  Don’t be afraid to remind them: "You loved me yesterday – before I told – and I haven’t changed since then.  I know it probably doesn’t seem so to you, but I’m the same person today that I was yesterday.  The only difference is that I’m trying to share another part of my life with you now."
Occasionally a parent will experience no shock at all: "I always know you were different; I considered this as a possibility.  It’s okay.  I love you but I need you to help me understand and accept this."  Sometimes they say, "We’ve known for a long time.  We’ve been waiting for you to tell us."  Telling them in these cases will be considerably easier because they have already worked through some of the stages on their own.

II.  Denial

Denial helps to shield a person from a threatening message.  It is different from shock because it indicates the person has heard the message and is attempting to build a defence mechanism.  Denial responses take many forms:
· Hostility: "No son or daughter of mine is going to be queer."
· Non-registered: "That’s nice dear.  What do you want for lunch?"
· Uncaring: "If that’s what you choose, I don’t want to hear about it."
· Rejection: "It’s just a phase.  You’ll get over it."

My wife and I were sure that our son had been caught up in some form of gay liberation activity that appealed to him because it seemed dangerous and exciting.  We thought the media coverage about homosexuality probably attracted him and that he lacked maturity to know what he really wanted.  We insisted that he go once to a psychiatrist to deal with the anger that had been building for over a year.  We agreed to visit the doctor, too.  After two or three visits by Ted, the psychiatrist shredded our defence mechanism of denial:  "I’ve counseled many gay young adults and I’m convinced that this is no passing fancy; to the best of my knowledge, your son is gay."

You might be ready to suggest the name of a counselor or two to help your parents to clarify their confusion.  If they press you to see a counselor, suggest that they match you session for session.  They may resist on the grounds that they don’t need help.  Underneath, they will probably welcome someone to talk to.
It is probable that they will think homosexuality is not normal.  You can help them by explaining that, although homosexuality is not the norm, it is what is natural to you.  Point out that there are other common exceptions in nature:  while most people are right-handed, some are left-handed; although most people have two eyes of the same colour, some have a different colour in each eye.  They need to begin to understand that although your sexual identity is not in the norm, it is a natural and honest response for you.
If their denial takes the form of "I don’t want to talk about it," you many want to try a gentle and cautious attempt to reach out to them again if they have not changed in about a week.  Personalize your message as a way of getting through to them.  Gently raise the subject when they appear relaxed: "Dad, I’ve been wanting to talk to you about this.  Please don’t push me out of your life.  I love you and want you to continue loving me."
Be ready to deal with your parents individuality, if necessary.  Most couples react to this disclosure as they have to other shocks: one takes the lead and moves toward a resolution ahead of the other.  It is important to realize that all people are different and may need more time to deal with something that poses such a strong challenge to their established beliefs.

III.  Guilt

For me, the question became introspective: "What did I do wrong?"  Whether I viewed the cause as genetic or environmental, I was clearly to blame.  I questioned the kind of male role model I had provided and that forced me to examine my masculinity.  For a while, no matter which angle I viewed the situation from, I believed I was the primary source of the problem.  It was a feeling I was too ashamed and saddened to share with anyone else.  Then one day my wife said, "I don’t think it’s reasonable for you to take the blame.  You raised two sons, one gay and one straight.  There must be other factors involved.

When parents feel guilty, they are not focused on what you have been through.  In this stage, they are too wrapped up in themselves to attend to your concerns.  Most people who deal with sexual identity initially perceive it as a "problem" and ask: "What causes it?"  They think if they can locate a cause, then a cure is not far behind.  Or they may think it is the result of being a poor parent.  Be confident in your knowledge about what "causes" sexual identity and be prepared to support them.  An example of how you may approach this is: "The truth is nobody knows for certain what causes it so there’s no sense blaming yourself or anyone else.  What’s important now is trying to come to terms with everything – and I want you to know that I’m here to help you as much as I can."
You can help in a variety of ways:

• Provide them with a list of books to read that is addressed to parents of gay and lesbian people.  This may be useful because books may be seen as a voice of authority.  A list of available books is included at the end of this booklet.
  

• If you know any agency that has assisted other families such as Pink Triangle Community Services (306-525-6046), have the agency name ready.  Quite often AIDS organizations will also have a list of support groups or counselors to help you or your family.
  

IV.  Feelings Expressed

When it’s clear that guilt and self-blame are unproductive, parents may be ready to ask questions, listen to answers and acknowledge their feelings.  This is when some of the most productive dialogue between you and your parents may take place.  Now the full range of feelings will come out:  "I’m disappointed I won’t have any grandchildren."  "Please don’t tell anyone else in the family.  I’m not ready to face them yet."  "I feel so alone and hurt – I think I was better off not knowing."
Anger and hurt are probably the most frequently expressed feelings and often seem spiteful and cruel.  In order for your parents to make progress, it is better that they say how they feel rather than try to pretend these feelings do not exist.  You may be tempted to withdraw, regretting that you ever approached them.  Hang in there.  When they begin to express these feelings they are on the road to acceptance.

V.  Personal Decision-Making

As they go through these phases, your parents will be able to deal more rationally with the issue.  It is common at this point for them to retreat for a while and consider the options that lie ahead.  It is like reaching a fork in the road where there are a number of paths to choose from.
There are many possible outcomes, including:

• Most parents continue to love their child in a way that allows them to say "I love you," to accept and be supportive of their child’s sexuality.  Although they may have had some glimpses prior to this time, supportive parents are increasingly aware of your needs and may become concerned about the problems that you have to face.  In fact, now that your relationship is on a level of mutual honesty and trust, most parents say it is better than it ever was.

• Sometimes parents respond my making it clear that your sexuality is an issue that no longer requires discussion.  Although they can discuss the matter, they are quite fragile in dealing with it.  They have progressed this far and wish to go no further.  This does not necessarily reflect a negative attitude towards you.  They know their limits and don’t want to be pushed beyond them.  Although you need to respect that stance, you can still make efforts to reach out to them.

• In some instance, everything you do and say is viewed as a symptom of your "problem".  Generally speaking, if one parent assumes this extreme position, the other parent may have difficulty choosing a role that is far from it.  Keep in mind that even if they appear to be on the same side when talking with you, that does not mean they do not disagree when they are alone.

If all attempts fail, don’t let the situation get you down.  Find a parent substitute or friend you can turn to for support.

VI.  True Acceptance

Some parents get this far.  When asked if they wish that their child could be changed, they respond, "I’d prefer to change our homophobic society so my child could live his or her life without rejection and fear."  Parents at this stage begin to understand the problems they unknowingly created for their child.  This coming to terms with themselves may lead them to view the oppression of all gays and lesbians in a new light.  They may begin to speak out against the oppression; they may talk to friends about the issues involved as a means to educating others; they may support gay friends of their son or daughter and may attend parent meetings to help other parents.  In short, they become committed to a cause and find a way to make a positive contribution that is comfortable for them.

Epilogue

About two years prior to knowing about Ted, we began to sense that our son was drifting away from the family.  We thought it was simply a stage he was going through.  In an effort to help him we tried at different times to reach him.  One month we’d try to be his friends.  When that didn’t work, we tried bringing him to his senses by being confrontive and demanding.  Nothing worked.  It never crossed our minds that his being gay and our lack of understanding related to the problem.
Look on it as an unplanned journey.  Unplanned, however, does not mean unwelcomed.  We’ve been able to support our son on his journey.  Today we can say "We’re glad we know."

Resources

Pink Triangle Community Services
306-525-6046
Mailing Address: Box 24031, 2160 Broad Street, Regina, SK
Drop-in location: PTCS room (top of the stairs),
2070 Broad Street, Regina, SK
Office hours: most evenings 7 to 10:00 (informational message on answering machine 24 hours a day)

Gays, Bisexuals, and Lesbians at the University of Regina (G-BLUR)
Leave a message for G-BLUR at 306-525-6046, or email gbl_ur@hotmail.com

Inside/Out (Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Youth Group)
For ages 14-24.  Leave a message for Inside/Out at 306-525-6046, or mail a letter to:
Inside/Out
c/o PTCS
Box 24031
2160 Broad Street
Regina, SK

AIDS Programs Southern Saskatchewan
You can call the APSS hotline at 924-8420, or the 24 hour informational tape at 525-0904.

Books
For a current list of books available from the Pink Triangle Community Services lending library, phone 306-525-6046 or write us at the above address.

This brochure has been adapted from a GLHS original.
We would like to thank the GLHS for letting us distribute this information.