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Did you know that now is a great time to invest in lead? Indeed, although I too once thought this a ludicrous concept, I have seen the light, and at the end of the tunnel is a veritable fortune in lead! You may think that this is some sort of horrible misprint, or a Wall Street Journal article from the first of April, but in reality, lead has been deemed a "wonderful investment" by theAASSC* of America. Lead is not only a surprisingly useful and abundant substance, but also a great value, just listen to these satisfied investors: "Lead is a great value! Its cost on the London Metal Exchange (LME) just dropped on down to twenty-three cents a pound, so I bought 17 metric tonnes! I can't believe I got away with such a bargain…sure, I guess I could lose a little money here, but today's lead prices are so low I don't think I could lose much!" -Jeri Handley, New York. "Lead? Sure, if I knew where to buy some, I'd buy plenty. It's all part of my plan to take over the world, you see. All anyone needs to do is buy lead. The more lead is bought, the more valuable lead becomes, the more the public seeks to purchase lead. At today's prices, the entire supply of the LME is worth a mere seventy-eight billion dollars; turn a company like Microsoft on to this, and suddenly lead is more scarce than gold…come to think of it, thanks to modern science, there's no guessing left to alchemical transmutation, lead *can* be made into gold, and vice-versa….mwa ha ha!" -P. Tentacle, Los Angeles As you can see, lead, the wonder element, is a sensational buy! Wondering how you can get in on the lead-frenzy? Aren't we all? Well don't worry, we'll tell you, but first, check out a few of the many uses of Lead, the element of our lives. Lead is REALLY DENSE: Lead is so dense in fact, that even most waves can not penetrate its dense solidity. This means that it keeps radiation and unwanted noise out, so you can sing Christmas carols right on through the nuclear winter without distraction. We use Lead EVERY DAY : Lead is not only used as shielding, but to make Lead-acid batteries. This may not sound useful, but almost every modern car in the world uses a lead-acid battery to supply its electrical systems!Done with your lead? Don't worry, we can make more! : Three quarters of all lead products are recyclable, and over two and a half million metric tonnes of lead are produced via secondary sources a year! This requires less time and energy than getting new lead, and conserves our planet's natural stores of lead, and we all know how important that is!! J Lead Lead Everywhere, and not a drop to drink: That's right, even though lead is very soft and melts easily, you wouldn't want to drink it, no sir! Even though lead is everywhere, in leaden batteries, lead sheets, pipes and cable sheathes, leaden weights, wool and powders, lead plating, lead alloys and a variety of lead compounds, lead can still kill people a number of different ways. One way in which lead could easily exterminate humanity is by crushing us all—this is possible because as we know, lead is very dense, this means a small quantity of it is still quite heavy. Additionally, should lead enter a person's body, it would likely poison them to death unless they sought medical attention. Humanity recognizes these dangers, but on the grand scale of Usefulness vs. Risk, we know where lead is heavier, every time!Well there you have it, Lead, the versatile metal, can be applied in nearly any field! Don't be fooled, however, we're more than willing to give you the absolute truth about lead. That truth is, it's been around for thousands of years. In fact, the first recorded use of lead, the everlasting metal, dates back to 6500 BC. Lead, the noncorosive metal, is so mind-bogglingly useful that we would need a separate monthly publication just to tell you about how great lead, the metal of the millennium, really is. Just one fascinating tidbit into the world of lead, the wireless element, is how it is a necessary part of circuitry requiring lead alloy soldering, and while our editors don't actually have any idea what this means, our crack team down in the lead R&D department tells us this is really super! So by now we know that you're practically drooling at the prospect of untold fame, fortune, and wealth as a lead tycoon, and just to show we're really on your side, we're going to help you into the business. After all, the more lead that you buy, the more our lead is worth, right? All you have to do is send your name, age, address and phone number, along with shipping and handling to our address. If you postmark your order by August 9th, we will double your order and send you ten pounds of lead, at no additional cost to you, minus that of shipping and handling, AND, we'll throw in these fantastic little Leaden tattoos, for your children, customers, pets, spouses, etc. * = ArbenAnisonSaysSoCommittee Keep Reading!
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