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June 29, 2001 Right now, I feel completely and utterly depressed. I've been on such a high this whole week with everything happening with Tony…but with every high point must come a low. I found out that Kevin was fired today…he accidentally took home a deposit, returned it in the morning…and there was this whole investigation going on yesterday. When I saw Kevin yesterday…he seemed like he was on the verge of tears…and he wouldn't talk to me. I totally didn't know what was up. Dustin told me that Kevin was in a bad mood because of everything going on with the investigation…but I would never have suspected that it was Kevin behind everything. It just completely sucks that Kevin had to get fire as a result of a simple mistake. What am I going to do without Kevin there to good around with…?! The sad thing is that this isn't even why I feel so dejected. I was out with Dom tonight, and she helped me out with being a Body specialist. She tried on some bras and told me the ups and downs about each bra so that I could try to help my customers better. While we were at the mall, I talked to Eleni, and she was the one that told me that Kevin got fired. The sucky thing is that after I got off work, I was sitting with Tony, and I saw Kevin leave the parking lot. Little did I know, but Kevin was searching for me…but by the time the message was relayed to me…he was already gone. Anyway…I talked to Tony, and I told him that we should hang out after he got off of work. Dom and I waited for him to get off, and we all just ended up sitting at Streets of Woodfield talking, drinking coffee, and smoking…a par usual. I was so disturbed by Tony's body language the whole night. I know that I am just putting these bad thoughts into my head and that nothing is going down…but when we were sitting…he never once crossed his legs towards me. And the whole night, I was the one who was putting my arm around him. I just didn't know how to read him…and it was really disconcerting to me. When we were leaving…I was sitting on my car, and his back was to me and I held him in my arms…and it was the first time that things felt fine… We sat there…and it felt nice…but not as good as I would have wished. The whole time I just felt like he was uncomfortable around me…and with me being next to him. We kissed goodbye…Dom and I drove off, and I just felt like something died in me.. I was so happy yesterday thinking about Tony, and now I don't know what to think. Terrible thoughts like Tony not liking me just keep flooding my mind. It's so unbelievably gut-wrenching to me right now, and I just want it to end. When I got home, it was the first time that I felt like I needed to escape to my little "piano realm." I played the most depressing songs that I knew…and I never end on the minor cord…but I played the most depressing chord I knew…and I let it fade until the resonating ended. Even now…I'm listening to such somber and morose music. I want to crawl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep. 
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