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REVISED MAY 2001 This journal is a compilation of the various thoughts that I have and the things that I do. It is my way of connecting with the world around me as well as the world in my head. It is allowing me to open the dark caverns that I hide very deep in my mind. I will be the first to say that there is a lot more to me than meets the eye, and only those who I allow to see into my world are privileged enough to get to know the real me...(those people know who they are). My name is BJ, and I am a twenty-two year-old gay male. I attended college at Iowa State University, and I received a bachelor of science in computer engineering. I was born in Chicago, and I plan on spending the rest of my life there. I grew up in a very caring and loving environment, and I give a lot of kudos to my parents for raising my older sister and I because I have no idea how they did it. She is out of college and is proving to be successful in this dog eat dog world that we live in. It's kind of reassuring to see her in the work force with her own car and down-payment for a new house. If she can do it, there is something inside of me that tells me that I can make it to. I think that I grew up pretty normal, given the circumstances. When I was younger, I knew that there was something wrong with me when I was playing barbie and house with my cousin, M, instead of going outside to play catch with the boys. As middle school rolled around, I looked forward to changing in the lockers rooms because I knew how much I wanted to see Pat in just his underwear. I knew that I was gay since I was five…I mean, I had all the other kids to remind of that fact ever time they called me names. It didn't really bother me because it didn't happen too often…just about every other day….despite that, I still had an awesome childhood. I enjoyed every single moment of it. By high school, I became really involved in activities and sports. By the time I left school, I had been in two sports and 14 activities…where I had attained many state titles…one national championship....presidency of several groups…and the seat of being Speaker of the House for a weekend. Needless to say, I had a really positive high school experience, and I really learned a lot about who I was and where I was going. In the microcosm we call high school, I was faced with many life experience where I was left with many challenging decisions that would guide me onto a path that would not only help me to be happy in life, but hopefully thriving as a person. Most everyone in my 800 student class knew me, and most suspected that I was gay. It was a pretty good feeling that people accepted me for who I was, and looked past superficial things like sexual orientation and focused more on less shallow aspects of my person. So, with a re-affirmed self-confidence and high self-esteem, I went off to college. Deciding on going to Iowa State University wasn't a hard one at all. It had exactly what I wanted: a good engineering program, and good student population (not too small but big enough)…and the most beautiful campus. When I got to school, my main focus was my education, but at the same time, I wanted to find my little niche. I soon found that niche. I had an awesome set of friends who I could really be myself around. And with that, I finished my first year of college. Now that I have completed my four years of college, I know that I have really learned a lot about myself. I am more conscious about my weaknesses and my strengths. I have seen how fragile a person I really am. Througout my whole life, I have always been the shoulder to cry on, but I have accepted that sometimes I need a shoulder of my own to cry on. I know that it's ok to depend on others, and they won't take advantage of me. The past twenty-two years have definitely been hard, but worth while for the people I met, all the experiences I had…and every bit of faith in the belief that I am an awesome person who is strong, proud, and capable of leaving lasting effects on others. 
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