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The Good Word

With:

“Bowtie” Stewy Lambert

            Hell my pets.  There was an announcement earlier this week that E! entertainment television would be brining us the E! True Hollywood Story of Lisa Marie Presley.  My natural response was, of course, “what the fuck are you talking about?”  So, like any patriotic American would, I sat on my couch and did nothing.  However, after my patriotism faded I got up to see what was in the fridge.  Then, after watching about four and a half hours of Night Court reruns (Dan is the man!) I decided to get up and look at some porno on the internet.  Long story short, I was soon engulfed in a lengthy argument with Jared Leto, the president of the Lisa Marie Presley fan club, which I didn’t even know existed.  Come on, I can’t be the only one who didn’t know she had a fan club.  I mean what the hell has she done to deserve a fan club?  She came out of her Mother… that’s all.  Which reminds me of Melissa Rivers.  That stupid bitch Melissa Rivers has absolutely no reason to be known by anyone.  I mean, her Mother is famous for no reason so why should her kid be famous just because of her?  That makes less sense than the whole Lisa Marie debacle.  And what’s up with these fashion police shows that come on during all the awards ceremonies?  Do people actually care what some old bag of bones, her dorky ass loser kid and three elderly fags have to say about the wardrobes of people who have more than enough cash to buy and sell them each?  Do you realize that these people actually get paid to sit around saying “that isn’t a good outfit,” and other petty, meaningless remarks about clothing?  And its not like that’s an exaggeration either… that’s exactly what their job entails… nothing more.  And since when does mainstream America look to old gay men for advice about clothing?  These guys invented the drag queen, or did you need to be reminded?

            So, this fuckin’ addlepate Lisa Marie has recorded an album which is set to be released April 8th of this year.  What is this muttonhead doing releasing an album?  Lisa Marie Presley is just about the creepiest bastard I think I’ve ever seen.  I don’t want to state the obvious, but she married Michael Jackson for god’s sake.  Now despite what Mr. Jared Leto, the president of her fan club tells me about the marriage being a publicity stunt; she did legally change her name to Lisa Marie Presley Jackson for a short period of time.  And this is post-molestation payoff we’re talking here.  What the hell kind of a publicity stunt is that?  I’ll tell you what kind; it’s the kind that isn’t a publicity stunt at all.  What a freak.  Okay, so as if that isn’t enough, then she goes and marries Nicholas Cage who is at least as creepy as Michael Jackson and whose only redeemable trait is that he was great in like three movies in the eighties.  At least Michael Jackson still has a great voice and the ability to dance like Justin Timberlake, or is that supposed to be the other way around?  I don’t even know anymore.  Anyhow, all Nicholas Cage ever does anymore is run through imbecilic Jon Woo films flipping through the air while shooting a nine millimeter pistol that is somehow a fully automatic.  And did you ever see pictures of the two of them together?  It’s like those pictures you see of famous governmental heads whose countries are at war sitting together at some peace summit smiling graciously for the press trying to act as if they aren’t filled with antipathy and fear for each other.  Yeah, they were truly happy.

            The thing that really blew me away about her new album was that most of the songs are written by Billy Corgan, formerly of Smashing Pumpkins and now of some other group who sounds just like Smashing Pumpkins.  I think they’re called Picking Up After Stupid Teenagers Vandalize Your Pumpkins On Halloween.  Anyhow, that isn’t important.  The important thing is that this dude wrote some amazing songs with his old band, eh, what were they called again?  And ever since about 1994, he has been making idiotic plays like this.  I mean the guy wrote songs for Hole.  All I can say is that’s gross.  Remember when Courtney Love tried to fool us into thinking she wasn’t still all trashy and disgusting?  Well, those were his songs she was playing.  Now this.  What a moron he is, too.  I know what you’re thinking: I am so bitter for someone who wears a bowtie everyday.  Trust me, I know.

            The night I had the debate with Jared Leto, the president of the Lisa Marie Presley fan club, I also went to her official website.  It isn’t up and working right now, but it will be “re-vamped” soon.  People who use the term “re-vamped” should be shaved, deloused and sent to live with Melissa Rivers as a human armchair named Niption.  On the official Lisa Marie website (lisapresley.com) there is a picture from a photo shoot she did for a book.  In the book, the “author,” who is a make-up artist, tries to make people look like classic celebrities and the one he tries to make her look like is Marilyn Monroe.  This dumb bitch actually has the balls to be made up as Marilyn Monroe.  So, Jared Leto says “she didn’t choose who she was made up as.”  That’s just flipshaw!  Plain old flipshaw.  Next thing you’re going to tell me is that she didn’t choose to be posed like Elvis in sixty percent of the photos on her website.

I only hope that someday soon she will become the kind of celebrity she deserves to be, and she’ll be put into the class that Anna Nicole Smith and Kato Kaelin belong to.  On a side note, if you ever have the chance to see pictures of her when she was a young girl, check out her eyes.  Even back then she had those same wandering, drugged out eyes, flush with the thought “did I leave the stove on?”  That’s all for now, oh and fuck Lisa Marie Presley.

 

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