Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vemonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch...Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge....Having a party Saturday...Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem, After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definately be there...By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

Thank You Shama (smile), I "rolled" on that one!

If people from Poland are called Poles why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

Why are a Wise Man, and a Wise Guy "Opposites?"

Why does Overlook, and Oversee mean "Opposite" things?
If Horrific means to "make" horrible, does Terrific mean to make "Terrible?"

Why isn't 11 Pronounced "Onety One or One-Teen?"

Why is a person who plays the Piano called a "Pianist," but a person who drives a race car not called a "Racist?"

If a Pig looses it's voice, is it "dis-gruntled?"

If love is Blind, why is Lingerie so "Popular?"

When someone asks you "A Penny For Your Thoughts," and you put "Your Two Cents" in, what happens to the "Other Penny?"

Why is the man who invests "ALL Your Money" called a "Broker?"

Why do croutons come in "Airtight packages?" It's just "Stale" bread to begin with?"

Why do we say "Something Is Out Of Whack?" what "IS" a "Whack?"

"I am" is reportedly the "Shortest" sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I DO" is the Longest?"

If lawyers are "Disbarred" and clergymen "Defrocked," doesn't it follow that electricians can be "Delighted," musicians can be "Denoted," cowboys can be "Deranged," models can be "Deposed," tree surgeons can be "Debarked," and dry cleaners can all be "Depressed?"

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one million stars in the universe you will "Believe" them, but if they tell you that a wall has "Wet Paint" on it you will want to "Confirm" it!?

1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized in both ends.

2. Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk come early.

3. Thursday at 5 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please meet with the pastor in his study.

4. This being Easter Sunday we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg at the alter.

5. The ladies of the church hace cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

6. A bean super will be held on Sunday evening in the church besament. Music will follow.

7. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belzer.

8. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nusery downstairs.

9. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

10. Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

11. Don't let worry kill you off, let the church help.


Do you have "Bloopers" that you wish to share? can you "spot" bloopers at a sideways glance? if so, you are a "Blooper Spoter", and your alertness may just get your blooper here on my site. Only the most "catchy" bloopers will appear here, so get yours in to me... just drop them in my e-mail at the beginning of my site.. Thanks! and Keep on Spotting Those.... Bloopers.

To all the visitors of my website, and to all the readers of my news and announcements..It is with great saddness in my heart that I pass along the following news flash (sniffff)
The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly, He was 71.
Doughboy(as he was known to those who kneaded him the most), was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
The celebrities turned out by the dozens, among them were Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch, and his long time close companions the Crisco Family. The graveide was piled high with flours as another long time friend Mrs. Smith delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was truly kneaded," he just rolled with the punches, she said.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions who watched expectantly his progression through his many rises and falls throughout his life.
Towards the end it was thought he'd rise to the ocassion once again, but he was no tart.
Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes..

God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

1. You started out with nothing, and you probably still have most of it.

2. Your wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. Just when you've "finally" got your head together, your body is falling apart.

4. Funny, you don't remember being absent minded.

5. All reports are in, life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it then?

7. It is easier to get older, than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant.

9. You'll wish the buck stopped here, there'll be days when you sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat causes....kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted you to touch your toes, he would have put them on your knees.

15. When you're finally holding all the cards, that's when everybody decides to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're every where.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. Some days, you'll spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... You'll go somewhere to get something, and then will wonder what you are here after.