A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was finally called in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the day and he would have to return the next day.
"What For?" he snapped at the judge.
His Honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty Dollars contempt of court. That's Why!!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented.
"That's alright, you don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was instead directed to an elderly preachers' wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife: Just Got Checked In. Everything Is Prepared For Your Arrival Tomorrow.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE!

The lineage is now revealed! Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt," but now you can handle this situation with confidence!
Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of the Knee-deep N. Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school drop-out.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Now Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her pervious name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
They created a bumper sticker and made millions,
You've proably seen it...
The schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Bride Pisa Schitt.
So now, when someone says, "You Don't Know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree.

A minister dies and, respledent in his clerical color and colorful robes, is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom." So the taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and now the minister is at the front of the line. He stands erect and, without being asked, proclaims, "I am Joseph Snow, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. Looking up, he says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver, and you just issued him a silken robe and golden staff, but I get wood and cotton. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "while you preached, people slept; While he drove, people prayed.