"Mommy, is Josh gonna be there?" a four-year-old version of me asked my mother, as we got out of the car in front of Roosevelt Pre School.
"Yes." She took my hand and began walking me to the door. "Are you going to miss me while your at school?"
"No. I get to play with Josh all day long! Josh is my best friend!"
"That's good."
We walked into the building, down the hall, and into a large room that was swarming with kids. My mom brought me over to a young woman, who at the time seemed much older.
"Hello, Ms. Johnson. I'm Ann Fountaine. This is my doughtier, Danielle."
The woman knelt down in front of me. "Hi, Danielle. I'm your new teacher Ms. Johnson."
"Hi. Is Josh here?"
"Josh?"
"Yes. Josh. My best friend."
"Joshua Chasez?"
My mom nodded.
Ms. Johnson pointed to the blocks. "I think he's over there playing with the blocks."
"Josh!" I squealed, running toward the blocks.
Josh jumped up a knocked over the lego's he was playing with. "Danielle!"
"Danielle! Danielle!" Chris gently shook me awake.
Startled, I sat up. The sound of his cell phone ringing stung my ears.
"Sorry," he said, pulling it out of his pocket. "I couldn't reach my phone with you lying on me."
I nodded.
"Hello? Lance! Thank god, you got my message. . . yeah . .. ya.. . as soon as we know .. . Alright, I'll see you in a minute. . . Pray for him. . . Bye." Chris pressed the off button on his phone and put it back in his pocket.
I starred at him blankly.
"Are you feeling better?" he asked.
I shook my head. "How long was I asleep?"
"Barely five minutes."
"Oh."
"Danielle, talk to me. The way you're just sitting there is scaring me."
I pushed my hair out of my face, and ran my fingers through my hair as I stood up. "I-I'm going to the bathroom." without waiting for his reply, I stumbled down the hallway and into the bathroom.
I stood in front of the mirror, supporting my body on the counter top.
My eyes were red, my cheeks were tear-stained, and the expression on my face was grim. I have never seen someone so sad.
Starring at my face, I turned on the faucet, and ran my fingers under the cool liquid. I bent down and splashed my face with water, dried it with a brown paper towel, glanced once more at my reflection, then headed back over to the waiting rom.
Justin Timberlake, another one of Josh's bandmates, and his girlfriend Katie McGraw, also one of my close friends had arrived.
When she saw my expressionless body enter the room, she ran over and threw her arms around me.
"Danielle. Oh my god. Are you alright?" she asked, her voice strained. She had been crying.
"No," I answered. "But, it's not me we need to be worrying about."
We walked over to where Justin and Chris were.
"Hi, Justin." I said. "Thanks for coming."
Justin looked at me sadly. His eyes were red. "Hey, how could I not come?" he embraced me in a hug. "Are you holding up okay?"
I shook my head. "This is awful. Everything is just awful."
"Danielle! Chris! Justin! Katie!" I heard someone yell.
I pulled away from Justin to see my best friend Brittny Abrahamson, her boyfriend Lance Bass, along with Joey Fatone.
Everyone rushed over to us and gave me a hug, and asked me how I was doing.
Overwhelmed by all the attention, I excused myself, and began walking down the hall.
"Danielle!" Joey called, chasing after me.
I turned around. "What?"
"I just thought you might want someone to talk to. I mean,I know how you're feeling right now. JC is one of my best friends.
We sat down on a bench.
"I don't think you do. You we're there. You didn't have the gun pointed at you. You didn't have Josh on top of you, shielding you from bullets." my voice shook.
"You're right. I don't know how you feel."
"You didn't kill you're best friend." I chocked. I closed my eyes, trying to block the tears that threatened to fall.
"Don't say that! He's alive. And even if he wasn't, it's not you're fault. You didn't pull the trigger."
"But-" I couldn't hold them in anymore. "But the bullets were meant for me." I burst into tears.
Joey took me into his arms, and tried to comfort me by running his hand up and down my back.
It wasn't working.