"...and I found out where my edge is, and it bleeds into where you resist and my only way out is to go so far in..."--Tori Amos
It's been a long boring today. I'm so tired and the energy herbs that I took didn't do a thing except make me sing for a little while. I don't know why it's so cold in this office. And I don't know why Josh kicks the wall in his sleep. And I don't know where those flying ants are coming from and why they chose to come in my room.
Marlena thinks they're termites. God I hope not. I definately do not need those things getting into my stuff and traveling with it to my apartment. I can't afford to have my condo tented. THat would just suck. And I would have to stay at home too.
I don't know why I use "and" to carry a thought. Don uses "..." when he is thinking. I use and. I don't know why he made such an impression on me either. He believes that we meet everyone for a reason. Why did I meet him, or vise versa? HE definately left an impression, but the impression is still too new for me to read.
I feel almost bad about Valerie. I don't know if she means to do it or not, but she is cruel with people's hearts. I don't think that she means to do it. And I know I have done it at least once. Well,not really. I had no intention of hurting this person. But I guess I was just looking for something and I found something that fit for a few moments in time and then it turned out to not be what I wanted. It caused me so much pain though, because I still love(d) this person, just not in the way he needed me to...and I couldn't make myself love him. Is that what happened with Val? I would hate to think that she could purposely hurt anyone...I guess that we are creatures of habit...and as much as she would hate it if she knew I said it, but I think it's something inherited from the jewel in the family. Ok, maybe tarnished brass is a better description.
I do wish that I was as strong as Val. I feel to much though, and have no control over my emotions. Everyday is a rollercoaster. I feel so much for everyone and everything. Sometimes it's a good thing, but it also means that I get my heart broken a lot and easily...And I seem to love those that hurt me the most...and those that are psychotic. I definately attract a lot of psychos. Hello, Nat, who are you stalking now?...and Ellen, how does it feel to have no friends? Do you get a thrill out of taking people for all they are worth and then cutting them down as far as you can? How is your mommy? You two are sick,sick.
And "I wish I was special. You're so !@#$%^& special. But I'm a creep. I'm a loser." (Radiohead). I have never been too good at anything, and I've tried everything: dance(ballet, tap, jazz,lyrical, moderne, swing, latin, ballroom), baton, art, singing, theatre, ice skating, hockey, piano, horse back riding, kick boxing...the list goes on, and I can't remember excelling at any of them. Oh, I can DANCE when no one is wathcing, but get me in front of someone and it's greatly dilluted. (Get me drunk and I don't care who's watching). Actually, that's how it is with most of that stuff. I guess I just have too much fear. That is my problem with a lot of things. I'mnot comfortable with myself. But I can't be comfortable with myself if I don't know who I am.
It gets confusing when you are breaking free of your parents and...well, it started getting confusing, well, more confusing than the usual confusion, about two years ago. You start going to college and you're supposed to "grow up" and decide what you want to do forever. That is a scary decision. And now, I'm moving out and I'm going to have this freedom I haven't had before and sometimes it's overwhelming.
Here I am after two years of college and I still don't know what I want to "be". I've changed my major several times. Let's try counting...law...psychology...art...literary agent...fire science...forensic psychology * criminal pathology...and now I'm back to "not a clue"...and taking a semester off to work and pay off my car and condo...and figure myself out.
How did I end up going off on all that? I sit here and type and type and there is still so much inside and it didn't clear my head any. And the massive amount of journals and notebooks and vent books lying around my apartment have done little to free my mind. I guess I feel so much and have so much to say and trouble expressing it and no one to listen and no one who understands and maybe I should just shut up now.
I need a change...I don't know what though. What else could I possibly change? And I don't know what to change...so I change my hair. I go again Tuesday. I'm not sure what I am going to do now. Amber says I change my hair because I don't have the power to change anything else. It has been red, strawberry blonde, burgandy, orange, purple, bordeaux, blonde, chestnut, maroon, brown with blonde highlights, black, brown with red highlights, brown with green highlights (don't ask), brown, papaya with gold streaks...I've had it at every length...I have had it permed...I've had body waves...And I have only been happy with a few of them. I liked the papaya and gold streaks...cut swing style...looking back at all of my pictures, I kind of miss my long blonde hair too.
I have been told that I jump around a lot in my writing...but that's the way I think. Nothing stays put that long...there is so much swirling around, and I grab something and for an instant I focus on that idea...and then it floats away. I promise that I'm not a spacey person. As I said before I think and feel everything and love everything. "I don't know why I love you, but I do"...that's me.
I also quote music a lot. I have been told that this makes me unorigional and uncreative and that I can't think for myself. i do write (or try to) my own poetry and I do think for myself, but why should I say something that I try to think up on my own when someone else said it so much better than me? I am not so good with words...I'm not so good with expressing myself actually. So does that make me a bad person?
I'm starting to get frustrated. I have been waiting for Chad to fix the computers for five weeks. Every time he gets one thing done, something else goes wrong. I don't know if it's him or David, but I am getting frustrated. Five weeks is a long time...and he is always late, that is when he shows up...so, I think that I am going to go and try to call him. I need to see if he is coming at all. Because if not, I can go to my condo and make it livable.