16 October 1999 11:54 p.m.
Tonight I wanted to be alone. I take that back. I wanted to be with James. James did end up coming over, but so did Angie, Danny, Amber, and Marty. i love my friends, I really do. But I'm not in the mood for people. I either wanted to watch tv with James or talk...either that or I wanted to do something crazy. Today I wanted to be free. I wanted to run down my street through the rain. Or drive very fast...I just wanted to feel the wind brushing my face and whipping through my hair.
I feel so enclosed right now. I feel out of control. Not out of control in the good way. I mean that I have no control over anything that is going on. I hate that feeling. It's so...frustrating. Feeling trapped is one of the worst feelings in the world.
I'm just not in the mood to be sociable. I don't want to deal with things. I'm not ready to. And Amber, well, she knows how to push my buttons. She has a way of pushing her feelings on to you. I know she doesn't mean it...but tonight I'm just not in the mood.
I think what I really want to do right now is sleep. I have a house full of people, so I can't do that. It would be rude. But I guess typing on the computer is just as rude.
I really shouldn't care what people think of me. It's getting to the point where I don't. I was ready to tell my mom where to go...but she didn't call...And I hold back from snapping at Amber because she is my friend, and I love her. But she is full of snide little remarks for everyone tonight. Most of the time she is joking, but she just has that personality where you can't tell.
I can't wait until I am out of here. I just need a little bit of time to clear my head. I need to think about what I want, and how I want to do things. I have to get away from what my mom wants and what her husband says, and the image my friends have of me.
We were playing this game tonight called Personality Probe. One of the questions was "how do you think others see you?" What I wrote (b****y, flakey, and whiney), was disagreed with by my friends. They said that maybe I'm whiney but I'm not the first labels. And they said that I act dark, but I'm not really dark. I don't know about all of that. Sometimes I feel dark, and have dark feelings...but everyone does.
I'm on the verge of something. I'm just not sure what it is yet. Monday I broke down a little. Things just stack up...filling every opening...sometimes overlapping...kind of like Tetris. James was bringing me home and he had on Systems of the Down (which freaks me and makes me feel weird inside anyway)and I just started to cry. I tried not to, but it happened. It wasn't really anything he did. I just couldn't hold it back any longer, and the thought of going home was too much to bear.
James dropped me at Steve's instead of home. We had dinner. Yes, I actually ate for once. And went to Sean's for a little while. Actually he tricked me. He asked if we could stop at Sean's for a second because he had to tell him something or give him something...whatever. That second turned into a half hour of football, hockey and baseball. The hockey I don't really mind.
Then we went to the airport, to the top of the parking deck and watched the planes take off. We didn't really talk about anything in particular. We didn't even really talk about why I was upset. We talked about 60 foot mambas (that's a man eating snake found only in Africa for those of you that don't know) and all the places we've been or would like to go. I really didn't want to go... I was tired...but Steve really wanted to go and with all he's been through lately I didn't want to say no.
After I was there I was okay. The wind washed over me making me wish I could fly...I love the wind. And there was a light drizzle...but it was perfect little drops. Again there was that feeling of wanting to rush the wind and be free and escape....
Someday soon I'll escape. You'll see. For now I'm going to go to bed, but even there I am not free. Goodnight, and may tomorrow be a better day.