Learning How to Smile
Entry #2
January 29, 2001
How did it go with the guys? Not at all. I chickened out. I swear, sometimes I'm such a fucking moron. I think I'm gonna call Howie later and tell him. He's probably going to be the easiest to tell because he's so...well his nick name is Sweet D, you figure it out. Out of the guys, Brian's going to be the hardest to tell...he's gonna take it so hard. He and Kevin both. They've both had to deal with a lot of deaths in their lives...Shit, I forgot about Caroline, Howie's sister...I guess I shouldn't tell him first after all. Maybe AJ? Or how about my family? Ahh this is so frusterating! Maybe I should get all of them together and tell them all at once. Yeah! That's what I'll do...then they can all scream at me at once. I don't know why, but I really think they're gonna be mad at me for being so irresponsible, but come on, I was a horny little 16-year-old wanting to fit in! What do you expect? I know I wouldn't be "mad" at my son if he did something like this, but for some reason I think everyone's gonna be weird about it. Phone's ringing, I'll be back.
Okay, that was my mom. That's a little ironic, don't you think? (Sorry about the bad pun right there.) She and the Carter Clan are flying into Tampa in a few days and they want to spend some time with me since they never get to see me anymore. I guess I'll tell them then...maybe I'll have a get together with everyone and tell them all together. I'll probably chicken out again...Sometimes I annoy myself. I think I'll wait to tell them about Dave for a while...I need to figure things out between he and I before I tell anyone about it. Speaking of him, he called earlier, we're gonna catch a movie later. I was watching the Real World on MTV earlier...this guy on the show, Danny, is gay and his boyfriend came to New Orleans at the same time his parents did...it seemed weird between the parents and his boyfriend...I guess it's hard to be okay with something like that since it's not as widely accepted as the Adam and Eve thing. I hope that if Dave and I do end up together, my parents will at least try to understand it. I know I can't expect everyone to be completely cool with it, but I just hope they'll at least try. It's weird, I always assumed that when you had HIV, you were physically sick...I feel awesome. I think I feel better today then I have in a month. I did some research on HIV and AIDS earlier. It said that sometimes patients don't know they have HIV for up to 10 years, so I guess there is a reason why no one figured it out sooner. I have to go back to doctor tomorrow to talk to their HIV counselor at the hospital. Sounds boring, but if I don't tell the guys by then, I'm going to take Dave with me so we can both find out about it. I don't know if his doctor told him anything about it or not, so either way we'll both know what's going on. If I do end up spilling it to the guys, I'm sure one of them would want to come with me to learn about it...then again, maybe that's just wishful thinking. I'm scared they'll be freaked out that they could have gotten it from me, but, like I said, I did my research and the only way you can get it is through blood transfusions, sharing needles, or having any kind of sex with that person...looks like we're home free. When I do tell them, I'm going to ask that they all get tested anyway...I mean, who knows, I could have had a cut 2 years ago and one of them could have helped me clean it and they too had a cut...you never know...these things do happen. I've seen a lot of those after school specials on Lifetime about HIV and AIDS and the kids in those always get treated differently once people find out about it. There was this one where this woman had it and her husband said he was okay with it and stuff, and they had sex (protected of course) and the morning after she woke up and went into the bathroom to see him scrubing himself. I guess no one's ever truly "okay" with it. They can accept it and move on, but there's always going to be that weirdness when you're around that person. I wish I wasn't "that person." Oh well...there's no way to reverse it now. They say AIDS can take a while to kick in full force...hey, Magic Johnson's had it for what seems like forever and he's still alive and well. (okay, maybe not well...but he's alive) I'm gonna shut up about it, I'm giving myself a headache thinking about it. I'm so tired, but I don't want to sleep. I guess I should, though...the guys were here nearly all night last night. I think I'm about to fall asleep, so I'm gonna go take nap...I'll tell you about the party tomorrow. Peace.
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