Learning How to Smile
Entry #3
January 30, 2001-
I'm rushing here cause Dave should be here soon to pick me up. We're going to the HIV counselor like I said yesterday. I'm pysched to be spending more time with him. I know it sounds weird, but I really like him. Jeez, you know how hard that is to say? I've been a woman crazed kinda guy for the past forever and now all of a sudden these new emotions start flooding in from left field...who the hell knows where they came from? I wish I could talk to someone about it, but oh well, I'll deal. Oh yeah, my birthday party...the guys picked me up and took me to this huge club in the club district, Ybor City, in Tampa. I hate that club...never have liked it. I feel gross when I go there...it's like breeding grounds for STDs. But, the guys thought they were doing something nice for me, so I delt with it. Ever heard of the term "grit and bear it?" Now I know the true meaning. I smiled and danced with a few girls, but I couldn't bring myself to have a genuinely good time knowing that it was all a facade. My conscience is stronger then I am, I guess...I never knew that before...I thought I was in control. I guess that voice is always there, it just depends on whether you pay attention to it or not. I didn't used to, but the more I listen, the more I realize that the stupid thing is right 9 times out of 10. Last night Dave told me he told his parents about being HIV positive. I wish I could do that. He said they both cried harder then he'd ever seen. Who likes seeing their parents cry? Is there anyone who can actually bare it? I hate it...if I had a choice between seeing my parents cry and jumping off a bridge, I'd choose the latter. I'm pretty nervous about talking to the HIV counselor. I mean, I've done a hell of a lot of research on the disease, but it's shit loads easier reading about it's hopelessness on a computer screen then having someone actually say "You're basically dead" to your face. I really need to talk to someone about all of these emotions I'm feeling...hate, disgust, humiliation, fear...just to name a few. But then there's the emotions I'm feeling for Dave which are very much alike, yet very much different at the same time...love, fear, humiliation, fear again. I used to think I was invincible...I guess most people my age do...now I'm a big ball of fear. I don't like being afraid. I've accepted death as a part of life since my grandpa died a few years back, but I never thought in a million years that my death would come so soon. I'm going to miss out on so much in my life...marriage, childbirth, raising kids, telling them stories of life on the road, sharing with them the things my father taught me, retirement, neices, nephews, family and group reunions. There I go crying all over the place again. I hate crying so much, but it's so hard not to. I tried to be strong the first couple of days, but I think it's finally beginning to set in. Knowing that at any moment the AIDS virus could tear the reigns of my life out of my hands and lead me off track frightens me beyond belief. It could happen today, tomorrow...hell, it could be happening as I speak. Life goes on, I guess...no sense in dwelling on it. I say that a lot, huh? Hopefully eventually I'll learn to believe those words. I guess I should go so I can get myself together before Dave gets here...he's cool and all, but I don't think I'm ready to share all of my emotions with him yet. I'll let you know tomorrow how it goes with this counselor dude. Peace.
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